swingers, key parties + israel: holy things

Swingers Without Music
So, is it just me, or have you heard that Woodfield CC is full of crazy. I’m thrilled to be there, don’t get me wrong. I love me crazy-long-time. Despite the fact that half of Plainview and almost all of Long Island reside there, I hear it’s full of swingers. Yes, we’re talking (golf cart) key parties. This gonna be crazy, son.

It’s all about respect
You know that once you get going it’s easy. Very easy. But to really start is a fcuking nightmare. So, you say, “I am going to suffer for three days. Period.” And you commit to write down every single thing you eat—no excuse, even if it’s just a SINGLE BITE of something. Because after you’ve respected yourself (that is, kept your word to yourself), you will feel 100% committed. That’s the key. Because then you want to be good. You want to be lean and strong.

Two other things I tell myself:
1. This bite that you love soooo much is going to taste exactly the same the whole way through. So, you can savor this single bite or eat the entire thing, but it will continue to taste the same—what’s the point in that?

2. Do I want to eat you? Gee, do I love the word balls? Thought so. Fact is, I fcuking love you and want to push your babies out of my ladybits. But, sadly, my body thinks you’re a hairy-nut-finding asshole. So, I choose not to go there. This time.

And, yes. I have long potty-mouth discussions with myself.

Liquid Lunch & Liquid In General
I’m going to NORTH in the domain for lunch with Jen (from Savannah). 
Also, kids go into the pool today with clothes and shoes on!

fish school

School Is Cool, BabyFishMouth
Got all your photos and video. I cannot tell anything about these schools, in spite of the footage, unless I go myself. I also think we should do a tour of a Montessori school (or two–since they are all different). And, no, seeing Montessori schools isn’t a waste, so long as ours aren’t the oldest kids in each of their classes—that is, we’d want our 4-year-old pre-K kiddos mixed in with 5 / 6-year-old kindergarteners.  

As for a response to your, “Weren’t you the one who said Montessori for only age 4 was a waste? Not sure what our goal is here or if there really is. Bad choice. JCC may be too far but should check out”…

Our goal is to find a school that feels “right” to us. And yes, that we can afford. I think differently than you do and process things differently. I appreciate your logical thinking, also. Together with my instinctual “knowing/feeling” and your own crisp process, I’m sure we’ll find the perfect school for our string beans. B’nai Israel is one option, despite the super-Jew factor and the prison / parent drop-off only (parents cannot go into the school to pickup their taters? You’re right, we’re so spoiled in Austin!).  Also, must take kids fishing! 

Code Brown
Swim lessons cancelled today due to CODE BROWN. Yes, it’s what you think it is.

Operation Movie-Hop, Fail
Phil’s gone an entire week, down in Florida, and what do I have to show for it? Did I go boozing it up? No. Make the most of this live music destination? Negativo. Spend the day hopping through movies, in particular BRIDESMAIDS, which I’m desperate to see? No. I am a horrendous failure. A failure with a clean closet and a few TJ MAX receipts. What, like you don’t need huggable hangers? Pahleeze. 

In My 20s In My 30s
That’s right, down 27 lbs. So, shut it about my tub of Rocky Road ice cream. That delectable confection is everyone’s friend. That’s right, so back off, and stop giving me shit every time I make you stop (read: stalk) Baskin’ Robbins.

From Miss to Bliss
I’m sad we’re missing Heather’s wedding. I miss her laugh. And how much she loves babies. She’ll be knocked up soon enough, and now I can’t tell her guppies I witnessed the union of Sir Dork Lord and Miss Wit. I am so happy for her. Or, rather, I’m happy for him, for snagging such a fine fem. Still wish we could’ve made it. Must head to Dallas and offer them copious amounts of hooch before annihilating them in Upwords (Heather gets confused when her Scrabble gets all scrabbled on her).

The Smoke Monster
There is some kind of animal outside our bedroom that sounds like a rattle. It obviously isn’t a rattlesnake because it’s loud, like annoying mockingbird, need a gun, loud. It sounds exactly like the Smoke Monster from LOST. It’s actually kinda comforting now that I think on it. Goodnight, Jacob. Also, I haven’t smoked anything.

To Go Or Not To Go… To Israel
We really need to talk about August and whether or not I’m going to Israel on this StandWithUs “Once in a Lifetime 2.0” project. I’d 100% say yes if we weren’t moving to another state. Still, maybe I should just go. It’s only 10 days, and they’ll take me from the Golan Heights in the north through Haifa, Tel Aviv, and Jerusalem to the Dead Sea. Should I be as worried as I am about safety?

Sent Mail Explosion Ends *Here.*



  1. LOL, I have heard that about Woodfield CC. Though never experienced it (phew.) Watch your back at the buffet line!! Congrats on finding a place.

  2. What the? This is confusing. And odd. Re: Israel. Oy vey. Are you kidding me? Especially as a mother with kids who need her skip that mess. As an American (and a woman) are a moving target. I wouldn’t even go to Mexico with my kids (or without, they need me alive) with the craziness going on there now. Don’t care if it’s a nice resort, not all of Mexico is going to be the ‘safe nice resort’. Sad but you need to think like that. And I am not being paranoid it’s cautious. I would not have said any of this even 5 years ago either. And this coming from a gentile who’d LOVE to go to Israel and Egypt more than anything if the safety concern wasn’t worse now than ever. The history of the place…of course.

    1. Are you freaking kidding me about not traveling to Israel or Mexico, CC???

      Church groups and 18 year old high school graduates go to those places on the regular.As an American and as a woman it’s this kind of attitude that makes the rest of the world look at us as stuck up, UGLY Americans. I hope your children break free from you eventually, and explore the rest of the world.

      I’m not saying backpack across the border of North Korea, or travel to a war zone, or go on an off the map tour of Mexican drug dens, but Lord have mercy, are you not curious about the world outside your own suburb? You have no curiosity about SEEING and experiencing and learning about other cultures? You have no lust to see not only your own country, but the country of your forefathers, and ancestors??

      If that’s so, I feel sad for you. What a small, small frame of mind to have. And what a shame to shape others to fear like that. There is a way to travel, see things, experience the world, and stay safe. Just an FYI.

      1. Feel sorry me? I feel sorry for someone who freaks out over the opinion of a stranger and gets on their soap box. You know nothing about me. I am well traveled (grew up doing so often with my parents) and traveled a lot until I had the kids and finances did not allow such frequent trips. I am not a rube who fears change/different things that what I grew up with. I have seen all of the countries of my ancestors as well. I am glad I traveled before I had responsibilities that made it harder to do. You come across as a judgmental hag.

        1. Oh honey, you are sad!

          I honestly don’t give a hoot if Stephanie goes to Israel. And if she can’t go because of selling her house and moving, or finances, those are all legitimate reasons. The point isn’t to go or not. The point is to not be scared of the world.

          This (mangled) sentence says it all, “As an American (and a woman) are a moving target. I wouldn’t even go to Mexico with my kids (or without, they need me alive) with the craziness going on there now.”


          What makes women there more of a moving target there more so than here? Have you seen the U.S. news lately?

          And this equally eloquent sentence, “I am not a rube who fears change/different things that what I grew up with.”

          Well, that’s just stupidity. Before you want to retort, maybe you should make sure that what you’re saying makes a bit of sense. But that’s just a helpful suggestion!

          Happy traveling!

          Judgmental Hag

          P.S. For anyone interested in traveling with children, OhDeeDoh does a yearly Adventures and Outings series. There are great tips and cute stories of people taking their (sometimes very young) children to places like Japan, Africa, Europe, and all over the U.S. It’s not a big deal if you don’t want to or don’t like to travel, the point is not to be afraid to do so. With or without kids.

    2. you need to chill out CC. the world isn’t as scary as you think, and you certainly aren’t its target. i’m a woman coming from america who has spent time in both israel and mexico within the past year. i am alive and well, without any scares or threats to my life. and richer for having experienced things out of my comfort zone. stephanie, don’t be stupid while traveling and you’ll be fine. in my opinion the worst approach is to stop doing and seeing because you are afraid.

    3. Seriously lady, I’m going to force some Hebrew down your throat and tell you to ‘sheket’. Of course Stephanie should go to Israel!! It’s Israel for pete’s sake! Not like she’s being asked to go to Iran solo. Israel is a spectacular country, there’s idf soldiers (who look mighty fine in their ray-bans I might add) on every corner. There’s a vigilance you’ll never see in North America. I’m not going to generalize and say that Americans don’t travel much (because plenty of Americans are more open-minded than you). But seriously, you won’t even go to Mexico? It’s time to turn off the T.V. and start living life!

  3. JUMP. GO TO ISRAEL. I went last summer with the same concerns you had and my children — and never felt even a twinge of danger. It’s a guided tour; you will be protected and fine. I realize that the region is in turmoil, but it always is. The Israelis are as prepared as they can be, and just carry on living. That’s inspiring.

    I consider myself a secular Jew — not practicing, but appreciate the rituals and culture — and there is nowhere in the world like it. The sense of history and connection you will feel is absolutely overwhelming, and nothing that you can anticipate.

    And…you will have a much better understanding of the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and what the Israelis really are willing to do and sacrifice. It’s mind bending. Since returning from that trip I am convinced that the conflict could be resolved if only Israel would hire a kick-ass PR firm to show the public what it’s really about.

    And the Dead Sea? You’ll love it. You’ll NEVER feel lighter.

  4. Ignore nervous CC. Being scared of travelling is ridiculous. People get shot in supermarkets in nice towns too. (see recent news). If you can go – GO. It will do you good.

  5. Go to Israel. I lived there for a year when I was 18 and it is a beautiful country filled with wonderful people, food, and life. Yes, be concerned about safety, but not too concerned. Israelis and Arabs alike have been through a lot, but they still have this amazing spirit to keep going and not to live in fear like we do (or don’t do) in America. It will be an amazing 10-day experience that you have to give yourself. Life and the other state, will still be there when you return, same as when you left it.

  6. Israel’s safe. My daughter went right before the 2006 war w/a group of teens. Go. It’s an indescribable expereince for a Jew. Too bad you can’t take the taters. Sorry you missed Heather’s wedding; I pictured you there. Yeah, way way too invested in her nuptials, but I’m so happy about her bike and her house.

  7. Israel is just as dangerous as the US. It would be such a shame to miss out on this opportunity out of fear. I have cousins living there,serving in the Israeli army and if they can do it, so can I. It is not the Israeli way to live your life scared…and I dont think it’s yours either Stephanie.

  8. OF COURSE come to Israel! It’s safe and it will be wonderful, and I would love to meet you. (Promise to take you to an amazing restaurant)…

      1. A few of my friends read her blog and both her books are doing the rounds in our book club :-)

  9. I’ll go to Israel with you, Stephanie!! I’ve always wanted to go!!!

  10. Go! Anytime you have the chance to travel, you must do it! The most common lament I hear from people involves the chances to visit foreign countries that they didn’t take. DO IT!

  11. There never seems to be a perfect time to go to Israel. The view from here can be very nervous-making when you’re planning a trip. There’s always some unrest or incident in the news that gives you pause. But I will say, as a veteran of six visits (mostly when I was a mother with young kids at home), that once you are there, you feel entirely safe, and you wonder what the fuss was all about. I whole-heartedly join the chorus of those telling you to GO, by all means! Look forward to reading your posts about it.

  12. I read your blog every morning from my house along one of the busiest streets in Jerusalem. For my job, I travel the country from top to bottom daily. Come. It’s a great place. When you are here, you won’t feel a thing that they describe on the news there. Come. Let me know if you need help with anything. Come!

  13. Stephanie, there’s never been a time since 1948 that well-meaning people haven’t mentioned that it’s not safe to travel to Israel. We’ve been there twice and had wonderful times. We sent our younger son when he was 16. People were aghast! He spent 6 wks. there & had the time of his life…slept in a bedouin camp, rappelled off Masada, etc. Go! You won’t regret it.

    1. One other thing. Regardless of what you hear, you’ll never feel as safe as you do when you’re in Israel. Ask anyone who’s been there. It’s absolutely wonderful.

  14. Stephanie,
    go to Israel! You will never regret it, it’s just incredible to say the least. I’m going back this summer for the 2nd summer in a row (my 8th trip total). I even broke my ankle while I was there last year and I’m STILL going back :) This time I’m a crazy woman, staffing a month-long trip with 40 15-17 year olds. You will have the time of your life, you will be safe- Israelis take the safety of tourists very seriously, especially on a guided tour. If you need further encouragement, feel free to email me!

  15. Hey sexy.

    We are a kinky couple and members of another country club in Boca across the street from Woodfield.

    How can we get introduced to people that host sex parties???


    Not posting my name for obvious reasons….let us know.

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