For starters, it’s Sunday morning: 4:28 am. You need to know this for the context of what’s about to come. Now then, if you scroll down to the ALL CAPS with RON’s name once you click "I remember", you’ll learn about my being in love. It’s someone you really haven’t met in years–not him; I mean me. It’s the me full of passion and hope; I loved a man deeply, way before I was married. To be honest, though, even during my marriage, I thought of him often and wondered if I’d made the right decision. It actually came down to a list of pros and cons, one Pete actually found on my computer and saved to a disk titled, "Law Precidents" so I’d never know he read it, or saved it even still. Tonight, I’d like to say I ran into Ron; we didn’t.
A few months ago, I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s (Ron) good friend from college (David). In college, David was the kind of friend girlfriends don’t like; the kind that asks for lap dances for his buddies and makes his friends play wingman. Still, when I ran into this guy months ago, I asked him for my ex-boyfriend’s phone number anyway. "Well, he’s getting married next Memorial day." And with the word married, my stomach dropped, even though it didn’t have the right to. I never called him. I wanted him to really be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.
Tonight, months later, I called him. I was scrolling through the cell looking for another number to text message to find out our next move of the night. My girls were huddled around me waiting for the moves. Then sudden as that I’m dialing; no conversations about it, no thinking.
I’ ve met men I like, but usually, they’ll make out with me plenty but never bother to call and invite me out properly. You know, like a meal or daylight. Otherwise, I like them but they’re too shy to make out and leave all moves up to me– and that’s a boy; I don’t do boy anymore. So it never lasts unless they know how to be men and powerful and listen and be. Just Be. Be normal, and seexy, and want breakfast. I can’t stand men who need to leave or have a need to tell me to relax. So I don’t date; I haven’t in months. Basically because I fear the man who’ll tell me to relax, or tell me he needs to leave. I just want to kick around with a buddy I can’t keep my hands off.
Okay, so, tonight, I was with Monique, Yasmin, and Smelly. Jen and Kim had traveled upper west without me, yawning. I don’t know what the hell on earth moved me to go here, besides the wine, but I did. I dialed RON. RON, for the record, was my end all before the dreaded Wasband. It was a long time ago, too long to cover or explain in a few paragraphs or pages, only that he was my "it." My just as you are, adoration. I loved his family, his cat, him in sweatpants, the whole everything of him. Try to obsess, just try. Okay, now you’re with me. Tonight, after not speaking with him for 3 or 4 years, I called him. He answered.
"I just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage," I lied. Shit, I wished I ‘d said I was just drunk dialing and it was about time I got to "R."
"Oh, well, Steph?"
"Yes. I just–"
"Well, thanks, but we’re not getting married."
Imaging my saying "what a shame" with a grin like the Grinch. "Where are you? Don’t think. Just meet me. Don’t think." And I showed up.
And so did he. It was as if no time at all had gone by. In my cab ride home, I strained to remember why we had broken up to begin with. It was drinking; and it was college. It was timing. I wanted to get married to anybody at that point. I was on some kind of pre-wed plan with a vengeance. We were young. But that’s it.
The rest, my friends, remains to be seen. I’m glad I had witnesses, otherwise, I’d never believe tonight. It was a night full of fate. From Turks and Frogs to Star bar (star bore) to The W and Underbar to watching Chris bartend, to The Bryant Park Hotel to hang with the adorable Stephen Bender, to Bleeker Street and an old beau at 3am.
I know you want to know what happens; so do I.
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Are you making out with the guys you meet on the first night you meet them? If so, there is something that you can learn from that. From a guy's perspective, there are a number of reasons why he may or may not call:
1. When he leaves that night, he wonders how many other guys you have done this with and whether you will be doing this with someone else tomorrow night. While it certainly is fun, it makes us think whether this is someone we really want to be with long-term. He will not likely call. If he does call, it likely is from a bar and he is just looking to hook up.
2. He knows that he can be with you and therefore you are no longer a challenge. The chase is very important and makes things seem that much better. He might call if he takes you home and you won't let him in…he might also think you are a tease and then not call.
3. Wow, this hot girl is great and she really wants me. But, maybe she is just interested in sex and not me. Sometimes not so bad from a guy's perspective especially if he is a player. He might call, but it likely will be just to hook up.
4. This girl is hot, but I really don't see her as the girl I want to be with…but what the hell, I can still fool around with her because she is hot and it is fun. I won't call her to take her out, but at least I fooled around with a hot girl. If all else fails, I can always call her to hook up because she really wants me.
Now the other guy who doesn't fool around with you may have the following thoughts:
This hot girl appears to really be into me. I like what I see so far, this girl appears to be what I am looking for, and I want to know more about her. However, I don't want to push things to quickly as this may turn her off. She may think I am only after sex. This guy may have been in this situation a week earlier and he tried to make the move and she rejected him because she thought he was only after sex. He still called her, but never heard from her again. So he decides to take a different approach this time. While we know that not all women are the same, a past situation with a different woman can cause us to rethink what we might do despite the passion being there. He'll call, but you will not likely call him back because you wanted to fool around and you thought he was too shy, a boy, etc.
Women are very difficult to figure out. If we could figure them out, it would make life a hell of a lot easier for guys. Each woman has different ideas and thoughts of what they want. Some want to be chased and some want action early. The problem is that the signals all have to be there and they have to be clear. Guys use past experiences as indicators, which can be bad since women are all different. If the signals are not clear, they will tend to play it safe. Unless they are a player, which means they will likely make the attempt to fool around with you.
No. I don't make out with them upon first meeting. We'll meet, numbers are exchanged; it's all very standard. Then I get the "let's have a drink" call or email, so we meet, chat it up, and kiss. Again, standard. But nothing proper comes of it. So you get to the intersection of should I keep this going because it's fun even though it will go nowhere or do I hail a cab home. Um, I'm always the girl looking for the cab.
What exactly do you mean by proper? Do you mean a relationship? Or do you just mean a normal type of date that may include dinner and a movie? Or is it something else?
By the way, do you ever sleep? You posted at 4:30am and you just replied at 9:15am.
tom has it all figured out, doesn't he? i wonder when his last date with a real live female was. bwahahahaha and waiting for a reply to a comment or counting how many hours between ones posts screams "get a life". don't fixate tom. that's just weird.
Ah heck. I don't buy the "guys don't marry the girls who make out with them on the first date thing" cause of one important reason. I made out and more with my husband of 11+ very happy years on the first date. I told him, as part of that, that I'd only ever had one serious guy before him (easier when you're 21, and true). But that's not the big thing, and it's anecdotal anyway.
The reason? Guys who make out with a girl on the first date are ALSO making out with someone they barely know. Why would I want to marry someone or even date someone who judged me by standards different than what they judged themselves? If I, the girl, am "loose," and therefore not marriageable, then so is the guy. If there's a double standard there, then don't bother calling anyway. Games are games. If you have to WAIT till the third date to smooch, even if you wanted to do it from the moment you saw him/her, then you're playing games. Not a potential good start, IMHO.
Not that Stephanie would have to share this opinion. There's lots of reasons to play by "the rules." But true love never plays by the rules. If you figure out that this former flame is the one to make out with, don't wait till the third date. Life is too damn short.
I've come to the conclusion from reading some of the responses above that dating is much the same as when "I did it."
I also don't buy the making out on the first date theory either. From my level of experience, if it's going to be a long term relationship, usually the signs appear almost immediately. It's going to happen when the stars align or when the time is right, and if both parties are curious and want to spend more time together, it's going to happen regardless of whether they kissed or had sex.
Relationships are about honesty from the inside out. It's being on the same plane (not the ones that fly) and stripping down to bare bones. It's give and take. It's not about the latest trends, how hip and chic one is or what one does for a living, and since we are visual creatures looks also play an important role.
I happen to agree with Kim Wells. Life is indeed too damn short. I know women who have set their standards so high regarding men, they are still whining about not being married. Just go for it!
After my divorce, I'd pretty much given up on dating, until I met my second husband in a taxi 2 years later. We shared a cab and whatever it was we saw in each other that day, we were both curious to find out more. The fact that he looked like a young John Travolta also didn't hurt! We dated, we kissed on the first date and then some, but the sex didn't happen for a few weeks. Neither of us were looking, it just happened. We were open, we had commonalities (we're both artists), deep conversations, lust and passion, we cared for and respected one another, and after a long courtship, we made it legal.
So, my theory in conclusion is… love is going to happen when you're not looking for it.
Just my $.02
I've come to the conclusion from reading some of the responses above that dating is much the same as when "I did it."
I also don't buy the making out on the first date theory either. From my level of experience, if it's going to be a long term relationship, usually the signs appear almost immediately. It's going to happen when the stars align or when the time is right, and if both parties are curious and want to spend more time together, it's going to happen regardless of whether they kissed or had sex.
Relationships are about honesty from the inside out. It's being on the same plane (not the ones that fly) and stripping down to bare bones. It's give and take. It's not about the latest trends, how hip and chic one is or what one does for a living, and since we are visual creatures looks also play an important role.
I happen to agree with Kim Wells. Life is indeed too damn short. I know women who have set their standards so high regarding men, they are still whining about not being married. Just go for it!
After my divorce, I'd pretty much given up on dating, until I met my second husband in a taxi 2 years later. We shared a cab and whatever it was we saw in each other that day, we were both curious to find out more. The fact that he looked like a young John Travolta also didn't hurt! We dated, we kissed on the first date and then some, but the sex didn't happen for a few weeks. Neither of us were looking, it just happened. We were open, we had commonalities (we're both artists), deep conversations, lust and passion, we cared for and respected one another, and after a long courtship, we made it legal.
So, my theory in conclusion is… love is going to happen when you're not looking for it.
Just my $.02
I just noticed I double posted. Sorry. Must have been a late night brain spasm. I get those a lot lately! :]
So, are you going to tell us what happened? I'm especially curious because you and I have gone through very similiar experiences – especially what you've written about being married, getting divorced (doing both young) and running into a past very special love. I know how my story goes, you've pulled me into yours with every entry you've posted. Thanks for being inspiring and showing people how to have fun.
Jooooolene!
What a weekend… er- what a night. At first, I didn't know if 'years' and 'turks' happened on the same night, but it looks that way, in which case it makes for a pretty interesting Play In Two Acts.
Rooting for Ron, tho not necessarily against 'The Long Way Home'. Perhaps it's my age; perhaps it's the story of the years-later reconnect. Either way, your "don't think-just show" call?? A tour de force! Extra points!
Then again, whaddoIknowanyway…
Still don't know what love is.
Hi! There was an article about your BLOG in a Greek newspaper (PROTO THEMA) today (August 7, 2005)