middle of the night love

I’ll never get it out, all the feelings I have.
I’ll never get them to you in a way you understand
I’ll never know how to say it in a way that won’t make you grieve
Because the second that they come out, these words that I want to say,
The second that they make it to you, they’ll tangle, and you’ll leave.

And I can’t win, and I can’t take it,
all this hiding and pretending, with a cover on my heart
Because you want it light and fun from the first time

And I want it deep and thrown together in a mess
Because then it’s real, everything out, painted on each other.

No room for excuses or reasons or well thought out decisions, no room for what’s right, what’s expected or what’s should, only space for what’s real, what’s there when we stop thinking, the core of it, what we really want. And no matter how I put it, no matter what size fits that day, it’s always gonna come back to being with you.

I hate pretending, acting like it doesn’t bother me, choking it down, making you believe I care less than I do. I hate the work I have to throw in front of how I really feel.

Can’t you just take me without all the chase and work?
Can’t you take my real work–

The way I need to discuss it all, can’t you take the real work, the part when I want to talk about nothing, and everything, and to sound like a crazy jealous person, can’t you work on that with me, out in the open? Can’t we just stay in bed and just be us?

Can’t you sing to me, and make it all okay,
Can’t you just get it without a letter
Can’t you just show up
And deliver.

Can’t you just escape with me
And let it just be us
Analysis over,
Just between us, no mouths talking,
Can’t we just be what we are to each other,



  1. Stephanie,

    I can’t pretend to know just what this is all about, but I gather that is purposeful? Your words here are at once piercingly personal and unbelievably universal. Don’t we all think these things, these jagged thoughts that are raw and real and defy expression? Don’t we all wish that certain people – including ourselves – would just show up and deliver without being beckoned by magical and mangled words? What strikes me here is the evolution of “just us,” how life forces us to get out of bed and separate from self and other, how complicated currents roil under every surface.

    I really loved this post.

    Insecurely yours,

  2. This is the reason I read. The depth, the real, the raw. It makes me hurt. But thank you for sharing it with us because it’s nice to see the you we don’t often see. Take care.

  3. This is exactly what I needed today. You put exactly what I am feeling right now into the most perfect words.

    I have always been a huge fan of your work, and I tell others you are my favorite writer constantly. Thank you for giving me yet one more reason to sing your praises.

  4. Something about this touched me and made me choke up! But, I’m going to try not to analyze it and just take it as it is.
    ~ GM

  5. Thanks for putting these things into words for those of us who can’t come up with the words of our own!

  6. This was a really interesting reading experience…I found it profoundly interesting and moving right up until the last paragraph, when I nearly snorted tea out of my nose at the Freudian slip of “Analization.” But still…thank you, as always, for sharing.

  7. This is really beautiful. I sometimes, and sometimes always, feel that way with my husband…I just want to scream at him and let him see everything… but he likes things “light and fun” too. Thanks so much for sharing this. :)

  8. I love this. It brings tears to my eyes and shoots straight through my heart. You just may have written the forward to your next book.

  9. Writing is always so cathartic for me when i’m a tangle of emotions. Most stuff about my feelings and my relationship with my husband I write in a file (or piece of paper) that i keep.. hidden away under password or tucked in a drawer. I refer back the last fight when i get into the next fight. It gives me some perspective. When i see the pattern emerging, it helps me make sense of my mess and figure out what to do with it.

    All that said… i’ve never put any of that writing on my blog. (Not that i have a huge audience as you do… most of my readers are friends and loved ones.) I honestly wonder what happens after you write this? I mean, in relation to your Phil? I ask this not in a pointed way to cast judgement…but am honestly curious how it makes things evolve in the relationship…. does it force the hand for you both to make sense of it all? I suspect that as a writer, it has its cathartic effect and the audience interaction and/or relation helps you think ‘no.. i am not crazy after all.’ But I wonder about the dynamic as two.

    I hope it’s not too intrusive to ask. My curiosity to do this begs the question.

    As always Stephanie.. thank you for your honesty and your heart.

  10. Stephanie, you always say what so many of us feel in our hearts, but for whatever reason can’t seem to get it out to actually say to the person. I, honestly, look at your life through the lens of your blog, and I have thought that you are so fortunate…wealth, big house, big car, handsome husband, success on so many levels, and I’ve wished for that to be honest, as many are not present in my life. But with that said, just like the rest of us, there are things that you deal with too, and it makes you more real, if that makes sense. You are just so good at your craft, and there are so many of us who are so appreciateive of that. So, thanks.


    1. Michelle,
      Your comment touches me. And I believe that some people on this blog admire Stephanie way too much. She is like everybody else. Would a bigger house honestly make you happier? Her little toddlers are cute and beautiful, but at some point they are going to grow up and be pain in the ass teenagers. What would a big car do to your life? I drive a 2000 Honda and my husband drives a 2003 PT Cruiser and we have our ups and downs…Maybe when I’m ready to have children, I’ll want a bigger car. But I will never let myself be defined by my belongings or what I don’t have. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I grew up in Bogota and big things were never really required or never equated happiness. Know in your heart that as long as you are moving to your goals and doing things that make you happy, we all struggle with the same ghosts. Always.

  11. I’ve never read your blog before – but I can tell that I am going to.

    I got up in the middle of the night last night and wrote this same letter to my husband. Except mine was six pages long and full of rambling and excuses. To read this this morning was exactly what I needed. Thank you.

  12. I can’t believe the first day I find your blog, this is the post. This painting hung on the wall in the apartment I shared with my ex. The words you wrote under it… why did I see this today? It’s been ten years since we met.

  13. It amazes me, your breadth. I’m hooked to your posts about “preening” and make-up, hair products, and I love when you post videos of you and Phil letting it all hang out. And I forward all your body image posts to my girlfriends. I LOVE your live comments posts on LOST! And REALLY*** hope you live blog on tomorrow night’s episode!!! I know this blog is for you, not us, but I read for these posts the most. They make me feel alive, and they make me think. I’m curious which posts your other readers look forward to most. It would be interesting to see.


  14. I’m hoping for a live blog of Lost or a post too–my husband doesn’t watch so it’s nice to find someone to watch with virtually!

  15. Hello Stephanie, im sorry to bother you, but i have to do a research project about a topic related to your book Moose and i do not know what to do. Should i do my research project on eating disorders? obesity? over eating? bingeating? What topic do you think i should my research that relates to what you went through best?
    please help me Stephaine, i really want to do well.
    if anyone reads this , could you maybe help me aswell?
    Thanks very much!

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