“I couldn’t even function kind of,” texts my sister Lea when I ask her what the fcuk she was doing hanging out with THE BACHELOR, Ben Higgins, last night. “Hanging out” might be my stretch. What I pieced together from the comment section of her facebook post, she was sitting at the table beside him last night. At a bar, a restaurant? How much did they talk? I couldn’t limit this conversation to text. I needed to hear it in her voice, that utter day-after panic that often comes with running into an ex. It went to voicemail.

“I need to know exactly what you were doing with Ben Higgins last night. Call me.”

Visiting her friend Tanner, Lea was in Denver, Colorado, at Acorn, a restaurant serving gastropub comfort by way of chicken fried pork sandwiches, lamb bolognese with mint tagliatelle, and an obscene dessert of Marscarpone semi-freddo with chocolate custard cake, smoked caramel, and caramelized pork belly. Ben, who now calls Colorado home, had to have seen Lea drool.

I don’t read any of the online spoilers because one season, I did just that, and knowing the final outcome before the show aired just ruined it for me. It was no longer exciting and torturous to watch. I was bored. I won’t do it again. Now, from the trailers, I get the sense that Ben might send both women away, then regret his choice and chase one down and propose, at the airport or something. A desperate panic, with the fear of loss propelling him toward a decision. I had really hoped he’d pick JoJo Fletcher, but I get the sense that he’ll choose Lauren Bushnell. Phil told me last night that Caila is to be the next Bachelorette, which just bores me. She’s too giddy to watch. I’m hoping this is just a misdirection tactic by ABC. I’d much rather see JoJo, heartbroken and far more spicy and dynamic, find love on The Bachelorette.

The info I culled from her post:

She did NOT ask him who he picked. “I don’t even think so… I was shaking too much… He just said he’s happy and ready to just be with her.”

“He walked into the bar behind my dinner table! I freaked and made my friend go over with me because I didn’t have the courage.”

“He said he’s leaving Denver tomorrow for LA and then NY… Lots of traveling but he’s excited to just get things moving.”

“He was very personable and nice and I was just star struck and silent…basically.” If you know my sister Lea, you know how impossible this is. To summarize, Lea tells the most wildly inappropriate stories, very loudly, for any and all to hear. She reminds me of Sylvia from The Nanny with Fran Drescher.

“I know!!! And some girl he was with threw her credit card at Tanner when we sat down! And followed us to the bathroom… I think it’s who he is rumored to be with (his ex).” Can’t be. He wouldn’t be permitted out with someone he ends up with! No chance. He’s totally with Lauren Bushnell. JoJo better be the next Bachelorette. Never thought I’d be ramped up for a Monday, but it can’t get here soon enough!

UPDATE: Lea hung out with Ben for over 10 minutes, shooting the shit!