There’s so much I haven’t done yet. The thought came upon me not, surprisingly enough, whilst packing, but in my bedroom last night when I’d read the news that Nora Ephron had died at age 71. When you’re a kid, you think 71 is an appropriate age for someone to die. 71, 79, take some, lose some. “Not too shabby,” I had said to my father when in reply to my question, “How old was Grandma when she died of cancer from an unknown origin?” He’d said “79.” I hadn’t said this when I was thirteen, but thirty-six, believing that 79 wasn’t all that young. But, today, I realize it’s almost always too young to die. Unless, like my grandfather who died at age 94, you’re begging “for the good Lord to take me already.” He’d lost his sight, a lot of his hearing. Couldn’t enjoy the sound of a ball game. Once the taste buds go, what’s the point anyway? I don’t mean this entirely, yet, I do.

There’s so much I’m not doing, so much I am. Though I suppose I’m conflicted about the order. What should I prioritize? I worry too many of us stress over making our mark on this world in accomplishments and careers instead of on improving the lives of those around us, including our own. I’m not there yet. With Straight Up and Dirty being published, I was there, in a flow, and I really felt I was helping people.

I haven’t moved to New York, yet. I’m still here in Boca Raton, wondering how to spend my last few days in town. We leave on a one-way ticket to New York this Friday. Today a Groupon of a cleaning service arrives, as I supervise the scrubbing of showers and the wiping down of the refrigerator interior–not exactly on the Florida top-10 list.

Yesterday I gave up on my Gluten-Free adventure. I believe it’s been a month, at least, of being Gluten Free. In that time, I’ve gained TWELVE POUNDS, I’ve become depressed, and I want to karate chop everyone, including my sweet beans… the mood swings are nightmarish. So, I gorged on Gluten. And you know what happened to my intestines? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m fine. As suspected, I do not have a gluten sensitivity, or at least, not yet.

I’ve had four acupuncture sessions with an acupuncturist trained in China, who told me “This problem not from stress, so not so fast to fix. Weak kidney takes long time.” After four sessions, I feel no difference whatsoever. Because I’ve always been relaxed, so it’s not a question of needing to relax or be silent–I already do these things well. I don’t know what I’m supposed to expect from these sessions. I’m relaxed when I arrive, just as relaxed when I leave, no difference. In general my mood is still a shit basket of angry kittens. I’m depressed, and add imbalance to injury, none of my clothes fit.

I’ve researched doctors in New York, and I’m willing to try another acupuncturist, if anyone has a recommendation. I’ve been taking Chaste Tree Berry 3x a day (no noticeable difference, but the directions say I must do this for 8-10 weeks, at least. I’ve also been taking tiny black balls meant to strengthen my kidney, I’ve felt no difference, either. I just don’t know what to do. I’m nearly ready to give in to bioidentical hormones. Though when I research New York doctors who specialize in HRT (hormone replacement therapy), none of them actually accept insurance. And a 1 hour meeting with one of these doctors is $2000, or with a nurse practitioner, $500, plus the cost of all the bio-identical hormones and suggested supplements–none of which is covered by insurance. Dr. Erika Schwartz and Dr. Michelle Warren are the two I’ve found who specialize in this area.

Why isn’t there a doctor who deeply believes in herbs and acupuncture in combination with Eastern medical practices? There’s no way I’m paying $500 to meet with a nurse, not even to get to see the doctor! That’s insane. Especially when I can go to a reproductive endocrinologist for $20, who can prescribe the same hormones. Only I want to find one who handles at least a dozen patients who fall into the “too young for this shit” category. How I find this, I don’t know.

Today, before the cleaners arrive, I’m willing myself to the gym, to basically watch other people sweat. This is likely why I haven’t posted lately. Because I feel like a sad sack with nothing to add to anyone’s lives… yet.