Last time I went to a Weight Watchers meeting was September 9, 2011. When I’d made Lifetime, my leader had me stand in front of the room, left hand up, as I repeated a sacred promise. You know, I, state your name… I promised, at her insistence, “never to pay for Weight Watchers again.” Meaning, don’t let yourself stray two pounds from your goal weight, ever, or else you’ll have to pay. I know she had only the best of intentions, having me commit to my goal, but what happens if I slip up? If I have a really hungry brain and full belly, but eat anyway? What happens is, I became terrified of breaking my promise because it would mean I was a failure, that I simply couldn’t stick to my oath.

Today, I said fook that noise. I don’t care what I promised because I shouldn’t have made the promise in the first place. The fact is, you’re not a failure if you gain weight. You’re a failure if you give up. Showing up, despite mistakes and overindulgence deserves a gold star. Not that anyone gives two pounds what I weigh, but it’s my blog, and my record of life, so I’m putting out here.

January 28, 2011 – Starting Weight 156.4 lbs.
July 23, 2011 – Made Goal Weight of 125 lbs. 124.8 lbs.
August 27, 2011 – Made Lifetime 123.6 lbs.

April 19, 2012 – Returned to Weight Watchers 130.2 lbs.

Total Loss as of today: -23.4 lbs.

While I’m now 5.2 lbs. from my goal weight, technically, I need only lose 3.2 lbs. to reach 127 lbs. to be considered “at goal,” given their two pound leeway. I’m not obsessed with the numbers. I simply want a feeling of control again. Between the Cold Stone Creamery I had my way with last night and my complete disregard for vegetables these past weeks, I’m ready to be accountable again. Which for me means simply writing down everything I eat for a few weeks. Oh, and I’ll weigh my wine because I forget what a serving looks like. That’s truly all it will take. Because when you write it, you’re more mindful. When I do reach goal again, I will stand in front of the room and tell everyone that “never” is a word that shouldn’t ever weigh you down.