FROM A READER: “It sounds like your hormones are definitely up the wop at the moment. However, FSH levels are not reliable as they can vary. A better indicator of fertility these days is the AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone)test.Look that up. Maybe you could get that done. But I would be worried about high estrogen levels – due to the association with breast cancer and would try to lower it if I could. Maybe you could look into ways of balancing hormones naturally etc – i.e evening primrose, agnus castus etc. Try not to have any alcohol for a while or too much caffeine.”

This comment NEARLY gave me hives. I realize that wasn’t your intent, of course, but you’ve just focused my attention to yet another concern. First I had to google “up the wop,” fearing it was a technical medical slang. I still don’t know what it means, but I figure it’s polite for “you’re fcuked.” So then I look up “how to lower estrogen levels,” because I won’t be affronted by a list of possible diseases I likely have (the only result of medical searches), and in only two days time since my appointment, I feel like my life is going to become unrecognizable… cutting out dairy (I can’t imagine. I live off Greek yogurt for its protein. Adore frozen yogurt as a special treat. I could learn to live without meat, I could, but to live without meat *and* sugar *and* cheese? All three? To live a life of chicken and almond milk and no soy? THAT calls for Drama and whining. I just can’t imagine. Mostly the sugar thing, especially when asked to limit my fruit intake. Limiting anything, actually, makes me lunge for it immediately. Whereas, if you tell me I can have all that I want of something, there will undoubtedly be an initial spike (read: binge), but then there’s a leveling. But if you get all “off limits” on me, I’ll climb barbed wire to milk a cow, then have one.

I realize people have health scares for a reason, to redirect them, to wake them up, rattle them into important. I have been unable to sleep. Now *need* to take Ambien. Thankfully I’ve been “off” caffeine for a year now, so that’s not an issue. And I don’t drink all that regularly, a few times a week, a glass or so, sometimes none. But now? With all this news of HIGH estrogen levels and menopausal range hormone levels, never even mind this “common potato” PCOS (which is likely the least of it), all I want to do is have a glass of wine or five to get myself to sleep. I am very disturbed.

I realize, of course!, that this isn’t anything as close to as serious as Phil’s heart issues or what Lucas has dealt with, given his brain surgery. Of course. But it’s the very first time in my life where my mortality is even something that’s bubbled to the top. I realize this happens, and that I’m lucky not to have worried about my health up until this point, at thirty-six, but it is alarming to me. The change of it all, the changes that have to happen with diet and exercise (consistent) were always a luxury, a vanity, never a necessity. And it does, it scares the shit out of me. Though not literally because I haven’t been able to stop eating since receiving this phone call from my doctor. I’ll leave that comment alone, actually.

All that aired, I’d still rather have well-meaning concern than be in it alone, so thank you. All of you. And if you know of any friends in Florida with a “friend” visiting, I can take all the bleeding friends I can get. A girl can only hope to have such a profound influence on a friend, right? Let’s right this wrong together.

Oh, and in case my tone is all over the place, then I’ve done my job. Because *I* am all over the place, high and low, serious, scoffing, this is nothing relax, this is something, what are you waiting for? I’m here there and everywhere.

I’m also bored by The Bachelor this season. And, I miss Lost.