Wassail doesn’t make me think of apples or the brown pulpy foam, or the potpourri you end up ingesting with the quickest of hot pecks. It makes me think of WASPs, sailing. And of ferrets. Because Wassail might as well be weasel, which is quite ferret like. And ferrets make me think of the way thin old boobs hang, long and lean. Our whole lives we try to be just that, defined, carved, elongated. And with Christmases past and soon present, the bits of us we’d hoped were rounder go oblong. Then we wrap a silk scarf ’round the wattle, thank heavens for the Ally McBeal characters with real life contemporaries, apply a brighter shade of lipstick than we would, say, in spring (or at least hopefully with less orange), and we pour ourselves some Wassail. No, more, dear friends, no more. This year, my drink of choice will be salty, sweet, sticky and soused up but good.

That’s right. Enter the Salted Caramel Vodka (or Maker’s Mark) Hot Chocolate. The real question is: when will Fourbucks get their liquor license already? Because my other winter go-to hooch beverage is a kissing cousin of the Spiced Caramel Apple Cider. Just add calvados and bourbon. Or really anything alcoholic. Who cares. Soon, if you do it right, you won’t.

With Ribbons, Bows & Nautical Knots, here’s to tying one,

Stephanie