a resolution of choice

  1. I didn’t like that I was the fattest one in the room
  2. That I kept pulling on my clothes hoping they’d hide a bulge
  3. I felt self-conscious when I had to get up and walk away, thinking of what my rear-view resembles
  4. Back fat rolls
  5. I didn’t like seeing how thin everyone else was, how beautiful and styled
  6. Shannan just had a baby, and she’s thinner than I am
  7. Lacey in tight ass-boosting pants, looking beautiful
  8. Me with my long lifeless looking hair, fat, hiding behind my hair
  9. This is not the best me
  10. I’m ready to live my best year and life ever
Shown Above: 2011 Dream Board

This year I want to be connected with my body, to know what it needs, not what my brain wants. I want to be able to say, I’d love to have more, but my body wouldn’t really appreciate it. I don’t want to feel panicked; the way I did at the buffet brunch, worried that all the sandwiches would go before I had a chance to have one. I did the same with the bread pudding; worried I’d miss out. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need to have the mindset that I can actually have absolutely anything I want, but that I CHOOSE not to have it, I choose it because I want to fit into my clothes more, I want to be healthy, to look good in photos, to be my best self, ready to go along with friends and run a 5k. I want to be confident, to be admired, for people to notice me and think, how fit, how put together, how energetic and lively. I want to be a beautiful mother who’s healthy. It is my choice. I can have anything I want, but I choose to have only what my body needs, what’s healthful for it.

I also want to understand, in a deep meaningful, no bullshine way, that I am not my body. It’s a vehicle for who I am, and as much as I I I I want want want, my body doesn’t, and I want to respect my body. I am tired of excess. Of eating what my children leave over on their plates. That’s wasteful, throwing food out isn’t wasteful. Eating it is wasteful; it’s wasting my health. It’s not about will-power, it’s about accepting and putting into play the proper mindset: I can have it, but I choose not to because I lOVE clothes, I love feeling pretty and light and strong and able to do things. I am excited by this thin life of abundance. It’s what I choose to live this year.

I will keep track of what I eat and how I exercise so I can see that I’m living the healthful life I want.

I will kick the snacking habit. I know myself, and I eat mindlessly when I allow for snacking. I do so much better, feel so much better, when I simply eat three meals a day without the snacks. Unless the snack is scheduled, like a 4pm protein snack, to ward off famine mode, making me eat like a ravenous animal come dinner preparation.

Here is what’s wrong with my life: I get bored at home in front of the TV. I do not feel energized and happy once the kids are put to bed, so I use food to entertain and delight me. I use it as something exciting, to which I can look forward. The reason food is such a pleasure to me is because I’m missing other pleasures. I need to create a new environment. To go on artist dates, to take up knitting, to play video games if need be, take walks listening to an audiobook, to GO TO THE BOOK STORE. It is there at the book store where I am my best self, the most excited, where food doesn’t matter, where I can get lost in learning. It is my favorite place.

Another thing I can do at night in lieu of desserts and foods my body doesn’t need is create inspiration collages while drinking warm tea, eating soulful veggie soups, rich with dark greens. I can spend my nights learning calligraphy, reading a book, screenplays. These are joys I choose to include this year. I do not choose to spend my nights on the sofa with my laptop. It’s my least healthful choice, and it doesn’t excite me. Learning thrills me! I choose to enrich my life this year, with nutrients, experiments and creativity.



  1. Well said. I’m right there with you. I’m not as convinced that I will be able to follow through, but I believe in you.

  2. Why is it that we are defined by our ‘thin’? I have had this conversation with myself a million – no a zillion times. I have lost the 40 pounds…I have gained it. I met with Jenny Craig – I lost it again. I have gained some of it. Weight Watchers. Then I lost it – but each time – the thin that remains is a different one – an older person – a less taut person. Right now – a personal trainer and not many calories…but you know what?

    My resolution this year is to fully embrace the lovely person that resides within this body – whether or not it is on the heavier or the thinner side. It’s hard when we’re genetically pre-disposed not to be thin, to compare ourselves to those who are. I am not kidding when I say that I can look at food and gain weight. I have foregone carbs, sweets, processed sugar…and to what gain? Weight gain.

    I resolve to live beautifully. To live within my means financially and calorically, and to continue to surround myself with people who make me better – who feed that inner goodness that I love to live within. To develop myself beyond ‘3 teens’ mom’, as they launch me toward ‘3 grown-ups’ mom’. To continue to love this world I’ve built, protect it, and expand within it.

    You’re lovely, Stephanie. Be sweet to yourself. Be kind and tender. Your children are watching – and will model what you do. Love yourself – at the end of the day, if they have to carry us out in hefty bags rather than sandwich bags – who really cares if we lived beautifully?

  3. And, of course, I meant…who really cares dot dot dot if we lived beautifully?

  4. Stephanie:

    I was at your house and do you know what I was thinking?

    1. Stephanie is such an amazing and gracious hostess.
    2. She totally captured the theme/look she was going for with the decorations and food.
    3. Everything was delicious and made with love.
    4. Stephanie’s friends are so nice.
    5. Stephanie’s kids are adorable and so welcoming to the other small guests.
    6. Shannan DOES look great after just having a baby and her boobs are huge!
    7. We were the least financially well-off people in the room.

    In none of these thoughts did your weight enter my mind and thinking back, this wasn’t something I noticed or anyone probably noticed because you look beautiful!

    Yes, it is striking when a new mother has gotten back down to their natural weight right after giving birth. But, she is also burning twice the calories as the rest of us and her body is not her own while she is breast feeding.

    Anyway, I’m sad to hear that you were feeling that way and not instead feeling like you were on top of the world to pull off such a lovely party and bringing together wonderful people with grace and style the morning of New Years Day! Pretty frickin impressive if I do say so myself.

    I do think what you wrote drives home the fact that we are ALL comparing ourselves in the most unkind light and that we should all be more forgiving and look for the good in ourselves like we often do in others. Instead of comparing my financial situation with other people, I should be focused on my connection with them and the positive things about myself. Same goes for me with my weight (which I struggle with) so I do understand where you are coming from.

    I just wanted you to know with complete honesty what someone not inside your head was thinking that day. Thank you so much for hosting. I think you are truly amazing!

    Also, I agree with everything 3 teens mom said as well. And, I appreciate your openness in a public forum. My insecurities are not something I’m usually able to be as open about but you have motivated me to share :-)

    1. Author

      Thank you so much Miss Jodi. It’s so nice to hear nice things, right? And we tell these nice things to ourselves, about ourselves, how often? Yuh. Clearly not enough.

      I am grateful for so much, no doubt. And I haven’t lost perspective. I simply sometimes need to remind myself WHY I’m choosing health over sloth. Because sometimes (lately *more*times), I’ll eat whatever my brain wants because I don’t have a goal in mind. Phil loves me the way I am, doesn’t care, so it’s easy to indulge too often than my body would like. It’s why I sometimes need to remind myself with 1-10 lists of the nature above.

      Good news, I also do a 1-10 list of things I love! And one of them, right now, is YOU.

      Please let’s get together sometime this month! The whole “let’s get together” without a specific date is too general and never happens. We need to set it.

      Speaking of which, save the date… February 27th, 2011
      I’m throwing my annual Oscar Party in our PJs party!

  5. And in thinking about this even more, our financial situation is actually pretty good! We don’t have debt, Adam owns his own house, we are both gainfully employed, etc. We ALL need to stop comparing ourselves with the Joneses, right?!

    1. Amen, Jodi! We will never be happy if we’re always envying someone else or elevating someone else’s life onto a pedestal. Be happy for what you have.

      Yeah, my body is far from perfect, but I’m healthy and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I can’t fit into single digit clothing. That’s not the point. Others may see me as fat, but that’s their issue, not mine.

  6. I totally understand what you’re saying here. It is a major renovation of our thinking to be able to retrain our minds about food. I am happier when I am thin, even if I should be able to embrace myself with a few extra pounds. When I am thin, I walk taller, feel more confident, smile more. It’s just a fact. But I totally think 3 Teens’ Mom nailed it too, we need to accept and embrace ourselves. For me, Weight Watchers was the vehicle that trained me to eat healthy, not eat the left over food on my kids’ plates, and think hard about what I really want: food or comfort. I’m also going to buy a hula hoop for adults. I used one when I was in a show over the holidays and it whipped me into incredible shape! Apparently 10 minutes of hooping burns 100 calories. My plan is to do it while watching tv at night. I hope you find the solution(s) that works for you in 2011!

    Happy New Year!

  7. When one wants something, which only they can control, it is their choice. It becomes a value judgment. What do I want more we each should ask ourself? Immediate gratification or long term inner satisfaction? The key to self improvement is self-discipline when the devils strike with temptation. I always found , just like Dexter’s father, set a code, a discipline, rules etc. for yourself and follow it. No matter what, fat, thin, skinny, plump, etc. I will love you just the way you are and for who you are on the inside!

  8. I read your list and looked at your dreamboard & now feel that I’ve achieved something. Your plans just read so well that they make me feel like I’ve actually taken some action, w/o having moved my butt ONE INCH. It’s miraculous. Now I’m going to see what Martha Stewart’s up to, ‘cuz I want to redecorate. In my head. Best of everything to you, Phil & beans in 2011!

  9. If you can do it, just cutting out bread, pasta, and sugar will give you a great start. Good luck! I join you in welcoming better health in this new year.

  10. I could have written this myself but not as eloquently. Thank you for putting this out there for all of us to read.

    Now…I’m shutting down the laptop, getting off the couch, and doing something creative.

  11. wow…if ever I thought this blog was taking a turn…this is the post. Do you ever feel like you’ve just felt a shift in the axis of your life? Big moments, graduations, births, marriage, etc….
    This seems….a big moment for you. I wonder what turn your blog will take. More photography maybe? A mama work out video? A shift towards projects and crafts? More story boards and writing processes…?

    It’ll be an interesting year :) I feel it.

  12. There’s a couple we’re great friends with – they’re generous, kind, loving with each other and everyone else. Our kids all get along great. But every time we socialize, we felt fat and poor compared to them. Then the wife confided in me that her recent breast implants were “demanded” by her husband. Apparently her size 4 body and 36Ds weren’t all they could be after 2 kids…It was just good proof that you never really know what’s going on in other people’s lives.

    So this year I vow to be the best version of myself, to be thankful for my healthy, amazing kids, our warm, cozy home, the food in our bellies, the clothes on our backs, and a husband that doesn’t require that I get breast implants.

  13. The weight stuff is getting old. You wrote a book about your weight issues and it seemed at one point you were happy with yourself. Shit or get off the pot with this and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

  14. You are stunning and such an inspiration to all of us. Jodi said it best. For the record, I might have lost most of my baby weight but along with weight I have lost my mind. I am in a postpartum fog and envy anybody that has their marbles. hopefully this will change when the zoloft kicks in.. cheers to more in 2011. xoxo

  15. Hi, I hope everything goes to plan for you.
    All my life I have been dieting (well since 18 – so 30 years) but something clicked last year and I de-sugarized myself (2 months with no candy) and for me that was the key to control (mostly) my cravings. I have lost approx 30 lbs over the last 7 months on what I call “being able to live with” diet. I do my best every day and the goal is to live my life without feeling deprived. I try to eat healthy and have cut what I eat in half as I would rather eat less of what I really want than much of what I really don’t want. Most days I win but some days the beast within gets the better of me. Then, I try to relax and and say to myself “tomorrow is another day and I will be more in control”. I live in hope and feel sooooo much better about myself. I will have reached my goal weight probably early 2012, if not then mid or late 2012. The slower the better as I have lost and gained weight too many times to count. Also, for me, is to give myself a break in regards to food. “I’ve got the power”. Best of luck!

  16. I rode the Zoloft train for a couple of years after my 4th child was born. I recently switched to Cymbalta and wish I had done so sooner. If the Zoloft doesn’t help after a couple of months, consider the Cymbalta.

  17. My last comment was meant for Shannan. My apologies for not havimg a clue about what I’m doing.

    Also, thank you for the post — I think it was the final piece of inspiration that I needed. Time to dust off the ole WW books. I’m actually lying in bed with my laptop – too lazy to hold my fat self in the upright position. Thanks Stephanie.

  18. I love this so much because you actually put all this in motion & became exactly who you wanted to be! It’s a true testament to the fact that when we put our minds to anything we can do it as long as we are willing to put the effort in & “walk the talk!” Well done, as always, in the blog post & in yourself

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