- I didn’t like that I was the fattest one in the room
- That I kept pulling on my clothes hoping they’d hide a bulge
- I felt self-conscious when I had to get up and walk away, thinking of what my rear-view resembles
- Back fat rolls
- I didn’t like seeing how thin everyone else was, how beautiful and styled
- Shannan just had a baby, and she’s thinner than I am
- Lacey in tight ass-boosting pants, looking beautiful
- Me with my long lifeless looking hair, fat, hiding behind my hair
- This is not the best me
- I’m ready to live my best year and life ever
Shown Above: 2011 Dream Board
This year I want to be connected with my body, to know what it needs, not what my brain wants. I want to be able to say, I’d love to have more, but my body wouldn’t really appreciate it. I don’t want to feel panicked; the way I did at the buffet brunch, worried that all the sandwiches would go before I had a chance to have one. I did the same with the bread pudding; worried I’d miss out. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need to have the mindset that I can actually have absolutely anything I want, but that I CHOOSE not to have it, I choose it because I want to fit into my clothes more, I want to be healthy, to look good in photos, to be my best self, ready to go along with friends and run a 5k. I want to be confident, to be admired, for people to notice me and think, how fit, how put together, how energetic and lively. I want to be a beautiful mother who’s healthy. It is my choice. I can have anything I want, but I choose to have only what my body needs, what’s healthful for it.
I also want to understand, in a deep meaningful, no bullshine way, that I am not my body. It’s a vehicle for who I am, and as much as I I I I want want want, my body doesn’t, and I want to respect my body. I am tired of excess. Of eating what my children leave over on their plates. That’s wasteful, throwing food out isn’t wasteful. Eating it is wasteful; it’s wasting my health. It’s not about will-power, it’s about accepting and putting into play the proper mindset: I can have it, but I choose not to because I lOVE clothes, I love feeling pretty and light and strong and able to do things. I am excited by this thin life of abundance. It’s what I choose to live this year.
I will keep track of what I eat and how I exercise so I can see that I’m living the healthful life I want.
I will kick the snacking habit. I know myself, and I eat mindlessly when I allow for snacking. I do so much better, feel so much better, when I simply eat three meals a day without the snacks. Unless the snack is scheduled, like a 4pm protein snack, to ward off famine mode, making me eat like a ravenous animal come dinner preparation.
Here is what’s wrong with my life: I get bored at home in front of the TV. I do not feel energized and happy once the kids are put to bed, so I use food to entertain and delight me. I use it as something exciting, to which I can look forward. The reason food is such a pleasure to me is because I’m missing other pleasures. I need to create a new environment. To go on artist dates, to take up knitting, to play video games if need be, take walks listening to an audiobook, to GO TO THE BOOK STORE. It is there at the book store where I am my best self, the most excited, where food doesn’t matter, where I can get lost in learning. It is my favorite place.
Another thing I can do at night in lieu of desserts and foods my body doesn’t need is create inspiration collages while drinking warm tea, eating soulful veggie soups, rich with dark greens. I can spend my nights learning calligraphy, reading a book, screenplays. These are joys I choose to include this year. I do not choose to spend my nights on the sofa with my laptop. It’s my least healthful choice, and it doesn’t excite me. Learning thrills me! I choose to enrich my life this year, with nutrients, experiments and creativity.
