the skirted bathing suit + other offenses

In ALL, DYSFUNCTIONAL DIETER, STYLE by Stephanie Klein46 Comments

There are certain milestones in a woman’s life: her first paycheck, credit card, kiss—hopefully not in that order. First bad sex, bad haircut, and balls-to-the-wall bad hangover. They’re not all memorable events, but we know they happened. This latest milestone, I’m quite sure, I won’t forget.

skirted bathing suit

That’s right, the skirted number. The old fat lady bathing suit. I’d say it’s worse, even, than the Mom Chop—when women of a certain age begin to chop off their Locklears in favor of more sensible wash-and-go styles. And I get it—you ain’t foolin’ nobody.

Everyone knows what’s hiding under that tent, so why bother going there? I’ll tell you why. I feel far less self-conscious in the thing. I’m willing to stand there, uncovered, ready to chase my hops, hand them a juice box, whatever’s needed. I’ll take my time getting into the water if it’s too cold. I no longer need to keep my towel on the pool’s edge for the very second I’m ready to emerge from the water. It basically calms me the fook down. And that’s saying a lot, considering it’s hot pink.

skirted two piece suit

Still, I gave my girlfriend fair warning. Play date. Her house. Her pool. Our kids. “Be warned,” I said. “I went there.”
And then I showed her. The skirted number.
“Oh, Stephanie, noooo! You need to get yourself to the Hampton’s. You’ve been in Texas too long.”
“Yuh, there’s just about zero way I’d sport this there. Maybe I’d wear a sarong until the last possible second, then I’d make a mad dash faster than a Jerry Springer DNA test.”
“Now that I see it, I dunno. I guess if you have to wear a skirted suit, that’s at least a cute one.”
“It is what it is,” I pitched, purposefully exaggerating my New York housewife of an accent. And I am fooling someone: me. Because as much as I acknowledge that it’s a hag-bag habit, it still makes me want to work it. And live it. I’m even willing to go to a pool party… if I absolutely must.

Another milestone: posting a (so not at my fluorescent lights ready best) photo of yourself in a bathing suit. Never mind a skirted one at that.


  1. #1–You are braver than brave to post a dressing room/bathing suit pic.
    #2–I wish I looked half as good as you do in a bathing suit….of any kind!
    #3–I really don’t think you need the skirt, but if it makes you feel better about yourself that’s all that matters.

  2. I did it too. A Juicy Couture ONE PIECE with a skirty-ish bottom. It pretty much looks like if you stretched the bottom of yours up to your boobs and it was still ruched, that would be mine. In teal. But, I did it less because I’m a mom of a toddler than I need to disguise the weekend before the next brazlian wax. Call the skirt thing “flirty” and call it a day. It’s not the Hamptons, you’re not single using it as a tool of seduction, or even out to turn Phil on with it, so really, it doesn’t even matter. Unless you’re Heidi Klum, pretty much bathing suits in any form or skirt are the devil.

  3. you look great. its weird how we are all so different, yet equally self concious I would go for something belly covering. ie tankini and couldn’t care less about the ass, which I cant see, but your belly is expoosed here and you look great.

  4. So funny…I saw the same suit in black and considered it for a half second…it’s kinda like a bathing suit and cover up in one!

  5. I think it’s cute too. When did “skirt” become a bad word? And it looks good on you. Honest.


  6. My problem with these photos is not the suit, but the visor making an appearance in the background. No bueno, and I’m a redhead. Visors are NEVER okay.

  7. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you have fantastic legs!!

    That aside, if you are feeling self-conscious, why not just wear a one piece??

    1. Author

      Thank you. And… because it’s the cellulite that puckers all the way up the backs of my thighs that I want to cover (something a one piece can’t do).

  8. the sneakers are hot….congrats on finding a suit that you feel comfortable in (skirt, or no)!

  9. I guess I don’t get why the skirt is so bad? Yeah, we all wish we could rock the string bikini but let’s face it, it isn’t for everyone. Neither are mini skirts, so you don’t see my size 12 trying to squeeze into one just because it’s a “mini.” I’d much rather see somebody trying to be tasteful than tacky by letting everything hang out when it clearly shouldn’t be. So I say, if you think that you look better/feel more comfortable in a skirt over a bikini bottom, go for it. I’d rather overhear someone say, “she’s wearing a granny suit” over “what was she thinking trying to fit in that suit?”

    1. Oh, I agree! I don’t think the suit is bad at all.. I just wondered what area she was trying to hide? I didn’t realize it was the back of her thighs.. I thought a one piece might look more slimming if she was worried about hips, etc.

    2. I don’t understand the idea that someone “should” or “shouldn’t” wear a certain bathing suit. Wear what you are comfortable in and don’t judge others!

  10. HOT PINK with RUFFLES – seriously!!? If you really feel you need to wear one of those, go with black! Why so eager to draw attention to the fact that you are wearing such an atrocity in the first place?

    I seriously don´t think you need one of those. But, to be honest, I would feel WAY less offended looking at your cellulite than at that hot pink ruffle monster.
    How about a boy-short 2piece with a cute little short sarong?

    Looks like you´re trying hard to impersonate Fat Barbie!? Please please please don´t. You´re looking good as is, and hey, cellulite, we all got it!!!

    1. Cameras cannot lie. Stephanie looks beautiful.
      Monstrosity? Two piece boy short with a short sarong = bathing suit as undergarment with form-fitting mumu.
      Fat Barbie?
      Please, your jealousy is showing, Alexandra.

  11. I wear board shorts and a cute tankini top . Two kids did me in., No stretch marks, got lucky i guess but my feet grew and my hips are wicked wide. And my butt was widened by my second preg. too. WTF?

    And Hamptons does not have an apostrophe:) It’s not possessive so it doesn’t need one. That last bit is just fyi ya don’t need to include it in the comment.

  12. The bathing suit rocks! I found the only this worse than buying a bathing suit was buying a dress for the Oscars. But, that was years ago. The bathing suit might have crept up to the number one spot again. Once I must the courage to go to the swimsuit section, I will be following your lead. Trendsetter you are!

  13. You really do look fabulous. I beg you to share where you bought that suit! :) I showed your picture to my 13 year old daughter and told her that THAT is what a beautiful, healthy woman looks like…

    1. BTW…I should have mentioned that my highly stylized, sophisticated city kid took one look at you and declared you, “uber cute”…..high praise indeed!

  14. It seems everyone was swimsuit shopping today. My “first” was nudey pictures in the dressing room taken by my 3 year old in my desperate attempt to entertain her. She snickered as she pretended to open the stall door and I informed her that this violated the code of female shopping companionship.

    Wow! You posted your pictures, very impressive. Your boobs look good, though. I had to be one of “those” women who went with the nice tankini number, never thought I’d see the day…

  15. This bathing suit should be arrested for impersonating a bathing suit.

    Put down this crime of fabric and go buy yourself a sexy string bikini.

  16. As far as fashion offenses go, this one is a relatively tame indiscretion. Now, men sporting head-to-toe spandex? Yuck. Unless you’re an Olympic athlete or a participant in some sort of international bicycling tournament, the spandex body suit on men is just NOT okay.

    By the way, you look fetching.

  17. This CRACKS me up!!! I too have joined the skirted bottom bandwagon. I am 38 and I went tubing down the Guadalupe with a group of 23 year olds this weekend (cousin and his friends). The girls were all in their bikinis, perfect bodies, went barefoot, no sunscreen, etc. I showed up in my tank-top, skirted bottom, and WATER SHOES with my water proof bag PACKED with sunscreen, hat, long sleeved shirt (in case the sun got to be too much), snacks, etc. I was embarrased for one second initially, and then I thought to myself, “Why the fuck do I care? Yes, I am a mother of three year old twins, I like to be comfortable, and I have a man that loves me no matter what I am wearing”. It is really about not giving a shit what others think. That is difficult to do, but rewarding if and when we can ever get there.

  18. I can totally relate. I haven’t been in a suit for years. I used to be able to wear a bikini but those days are long gone. I am 40, no kids, and new cottage cheese thighs (actually not new, I guess I was just trying not to notice). Although I had a free tummy tuck 9 years ago as part of my breast reconstruction after a mastectomy I am now widening at the hips and a**. Never mind the fact that my fake boob is a size larger than the other one so it is hard to find a bra besides a bathing suit top. And I know that I should be grateful I am still alive which of course I am but I am still just a girl with body image issues that began way before cancer.

    Next bathing suit I will probably try is a one piece and a sarong!

    I give you a lot of credit for posting a bathing suit pic! Good for you! You look great!

  19. I think it’s cute – i wear a similar one that has little cinches on the side so you can adjust the length. Of course all my other 28 yr old friends don’t…but they don’t have 2 kids to chase at the pool. I just wish my tummy (totally ravaged after 2 c sections in 3 years) looked as good as yours! i’d probably be a size 2 if it weren’t for the pizza dough skin i have lounging around there.

  20. No, really. Not just an idle question here… From one redhead to another, if you’ve got a self-tanner secret that beats Aqua Tan, I’m all ears.

  21. Oh Stephanie.

    We ALL have cellulite. My professional bodybuilder friend has cellulite!! A little butt dimpling is way less offensive than ruffles on anyone older than 15.

    A good spray tan is worth a million bucks. Take it from this size 10 (used to be a 14). Spray tans will make you glow, and amazingly reduces any traces of cellulite.

  22. You’re lucky if whatever you have to hide can be hidden under a tiny skirt. LOL. I think it’s ironic that women who are warned away from miniskirts are not also warned away from bathing suits, skirts or not. Which says nothing about your issue.

    I personally have cellulite from hell on my thighs and its worse in the front. My butt cellulite isn’t that bad. I also have cellulite on my tummy. This means as a very self-conscious person I will only step out in a one-piece with a sarong around my waist, period. If at all possible I will all together avoid being seen in public in a suit at all. If I wouldn’t go out in my bra and panties, why in sand hill would I go out in a bathing suit. I just don’t need to swim that badly.

    BTW, your legs look good and you can show your belly. Why in the hell are you wearing that skirted thing? Get an awesome bikin and a mini saraong to cover up.

  23. It looks cute. I’d wear it just to prove I can look hot even as an old ass lady, which I’m not yet but will be one day. I hope my tummy comes with me to that ripe old age.

  24. another good idea if you are trying to hide your butt area/trying to be slightly modest are swim shorts. i bought a pair so that when im running around with the kids and need to bend over, im not giving everyone a show.

  25. I’ve given up on bathing suit season and come to realize that confidence is what people look for in each other, not hot bathing suits and things like lip gloss. No amount of ruffle is going to keep a man for more than a summer (or a weekend, rather). And it’s true, tan fat is always prettier than milky fat. Love the suit!

  26. No worries, gurllllfriend! You look great. The color is a bit aggressive, but the skirt suits you. So it’s a bit high school — who cares? You look like a grade A bombshell.
    I will openly say that I am capable of sporting the string bikini but actually OPT to wear a skirt or sarong over it for more cover up. Because, hey… sometimes, you just want the personal security of knowing the creepy neighbors/beach bums/significant other’s friends boring holes through your backside can’t actually see your bare cheeks.
    I say wear whatever makes you feel comfortable, regardless of your body type. And you have nothing at all to worry about in that department!

  27. That number in black would like something from a tacky funeral parlor. I totally get the skirt thing btw. After kids you can lose the weight but the skin is never the same (without medical intervention) I have black sheer skirt, covers texture issues withoout feeling like a burka for the bum LOL!

  28. Oh post! You lovely temptress you! You haunting me with thoughts of my own, such a cruel girl shall I court you one more time? Please accept my great respect

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