meat candy + the sex that wasn’t

meat candy

I totally wasn’t planning on writing about flanken, in June nonetheless, but there it is. It keeps sneaking into everything I write. The only way out is through, so here we are. I feel compelled to share that I once made flanken for a date–the man, not the fruit.

Candied meat, oh what a treat.

I might have busted into song that night, changing all the lyrics of “Oh, What A Night” to “Oh, Candied Meat.” I can’t recall. What I do remember, in alarming detail, is that on the night I finally invited him up for dinner, an hour or so after our meal, a sound—reminiscent of something you’d hear in poltergeist apartment pipes, in an overloaded, overworked, front-loading HE washing machine with non-HE detergent—erupted, somewhere in my nether regions. It was as if my small intestine was no longer small. It was all.

Then I started to sweat. Man sweat. Rings. I wouldn’t know off hand, but if the hot flashes that accompany menopause are anything like the “you’re about to have the ‘rhea for the next four hours,” then call me Phyllis Diller. I was well beyond my menopause years. These were doody fears. And the worst of it? My wee apartment had one bathroom: in my bedroom. You cannot make out with a guy when he knows you’re about to defile your bathroom, just an arm’s length away from your bed… and your vagina. So what did I do?

Dude, you gotta leave.
It’s time.
Time? Time for what? I don’t follow—
Dude, you just gotta go. Trust me. It’s for your own good. You don’t want to think of this ass as a gremlin.

With that we went from maybe to Fabreeze. And there wasn’t even a goodie bag.

breastfeeding cow


  1. That sooo happened to me with my fiance and hubby to be. We were house sitting a for a friend and sick as a dog I had to GO. Nastily I knew. Hoofed it a few streets to my nest and let it fly.

    Just could NOT do it with him so close by… Years (almost 2 decades later) I think I could ;) Sick is sick and may not be pretty but whatever.

  2. If he could find a way to laugh about it and still be understanding/supportive, you’d know he had something going for him by the way he responded to your “going”.

  3. That exact situation has never happened to me, but something similar happened when I was at my boyfriend’s (now husband) mom’s house early on in our relationship. Even though the house had multiple bathrooms, I still felt like everyone knew what was going on because I was gone for a longer bathroom visit than normal.

  4. #FF You can still see poop stains dating from the staining the sides of the Tower of London. Gross but cool.

  5. Hmmm, so if we ever get ditched too early on a date, we can say it’s not that the guy isn’t interested, he’s just battling ass gremlins. What a relief!

    Glad to have rediscovered your blog!

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