putting the allow in halloween (a la tween)

Halloween is fast approaching. You need to arm yourself with more than a bowl of last year’s candy. As a guardian of your daughter’s sacred triangle and tas, it’s your obligation to instill discipline yet remain approachable. Always best to avoid judgmental phrases. I suggest embracing the ever delicate term Fast food crotch.

Code for: Sugar, you still look quick, easy, & cheap despite that clever whore disguise you call a witch’s hat. Now, go change. And wash.


I have no idea how parents let their daughters leave the house looking like transvestites. I’m guessing they fall for "safe words." Their Young Miss calls them from the mall, says she’s found the best costume… "Describe it?" The parents hear "lace," and think of Grandma’s lace tablecloth instead of a lace garter belt. Safe enough. Sure thing.

Then tweenie asks if she can wear fishnet leggings, as if by just adding the word "leggings" makes them appropriate. "Yeah, they’re crotchless, but come on, they’re leggings! God, Mom."

When Abigail one day tells me she wants to dress like a witch, I’m going to agree, so long as she lets me help. I will then shellac every visible part of her with Wicked Witch green toxic-free paint. ‘Cause I’m considerate that way. And she’ll whine and use the word "fair," and I’ll explain that young ladies shouldn’t dress like fast food crotch. "That’s your mother’s job."

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  1. Preach on, Stephanie!
    I’m 23 and have not yet had a fun Halloween party because my friends just want to dress up like a slutty anything and call it a costume.

    Can’t a girl get invited to a masquerade ball? Now that’s my idea of fun!

  2. Not even a mother yet (barely want to think about it right now), but completely agree. Young kids these days should have a mandatory once-over by mum’s before they go out. Coming from a 22 year old, that’s really something. Times have changed..

  3. I agree whole heartedly! I saw a costume called Spider Girl Deluxe Teen and I was thinking “Like hell my daughter would wear that as a teen she’s lucky if she can get away with it when she’s 18 and ‘legal'” It’s crazy what these costume companies put out for little girls and teenagers thinking it’s okay for them to wear it.

  4. My daughter makes her own costumes. She’s 13 this year and still wants to dress up but last year she expressed disgust at the costumes, “Mom, who wants to dress like that? There has to be more choices than a witch, devil or princess!” So at least I’m safe for this year… She wants to dress as a character from her current favorite book, “The Hunger Games.”

    I would never let her out of the house in the costumes they market to young girls these days.

  5. We receive two or three halloween costume catalogs every fall, and my kids (girl 8, boy 6) paw through them obsessively. My son skips the “scary” pages and my daughter skips the “skanky” pages. Unfortunately the skanky pages are half the catalog. It’s disturbing to say the least.

    We live in a big trick or treating neighborhood (where carloads of kids get dropped off to treat; it’s seriously in the disclosures when someone buys a house here) and you should see the roving bands of teenage girls dressed up like strippers. I always wonder if their mamas let them leave the house like that, or if they secretly got ready at a friend’s.

  6. p.s. my daughter wanted to dress as a ladybug this year and it was hard to find a non-skanky ladybug costume. WTF???

  7. I agree. Halloween is jsut an excuse for girls to dress like sluts. And as for mothers, don’t understand who lets them leave the house like that. Don’t mean to broaden the subject…but do y’all see how tweens dress these days. What ever happened to dolls? and 80s jeans? and baretts and headbands? Can’t wait to have a child and see how they are going to be dressing in twenty years.

  8. Agree with all that has been said above, and may I just add that i went shopping with my 12y. o. yesterday for jeans…WTF?!? EVERYTHING is painted on tight, cut to the very tip of the pelvic bone, and TOTALLY inappropriate! It is a very real challenge to find cool tween clothes for girls who don’t want to look like, “fast food crotch” (my new very favorite expression). Why are we doing this to our young women, and what message does it send to them about what is expected of them?

  9. As a 24 year old who is still in the “phase” where slutty…anything is the appropriate costume, I think its extra funny to be something super awk and extreme, like a blueman/tobias with a swimming cap and full blue face paint. Or a waffle. Although when I told a girl in college I was planning to dress as a waffle, she DID ask me if I planned on being a “slutty waffle”. SLUTTY WAFFLE?! How is that even possible!?

    1. Hah! I love “slutty waffle.” Maybe she wanted to know if you were going to glue waffle-bits to your naughty-parts and cover yourself in syrup?

  10. Must be an international, cross-cultural thing. We don’t have Halloween, we have Purim, and every year I am stunned at the costumes. I’ve seen 13 year olds walking around in g-string lingerie. They were wearing angel wings though. So I guess that’s ok.

  11. I totally agree with you Stephanie! Now all things circle around sex even Halloween… It’s acceptable for an adult to have a slutty costume and look but for our children. I don’t accept this kind of look!

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