Halloween is fast approaching. You need to arm yourself with more than a bowl of last year’s candy. As a guardian of your daughter’s sacred triangle and tas, it’s your obligation to instill discipline yet remain approachable. Always best to avoid judgmental phrases. I suggest embracing the ever delicate term Fast food crotch.

Code for: Sugar, you still look quick, easy, & cheap despite that clever whore disguise you call a witch’s hat. Now, go change. And wash.

I have no idea how parents let their daughters leave the house looking like transvestites. I’m guessing they fall for "safe words." Their Young Miss calls them from the mall, says she’s found the best costume… "Describe it?" The parents hear "lace," and think of Grandma’s lace tablecloth instead of a lace garter belt. Safe enough. Sure thing.

Then tweenie asks if she can wear fishnet leggings, as if by just adding the word "leggings" makes them appropriate. "Yeah, they’re crotchless, but come on, they’re leggings! God, Mom."

When Abigail one day tells me she wants to dress like a witch, I’m going to agree, so long as she lets me help. I will then shellac every visible part of her with Wicked Witch green toxic-free paint. ‘Cause I’m considerate that way. And she’ll whine and use the word "fair," and I’ll explain that young ladies shouldn’t dress like fast food crotch. "That’s your mother’s job."

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