Ooh, and set your DVR’s people!
I’ll be talking motherhood and sexy talk on the Rachael Ray Show on Tuesday, Election Day! That’s Nov. 3. Click here to check the station and airtime in your city.
Things I learned from my mother:
1. When buying Halloween candy for the house, make sure it’s something you hate or you’ll eat it all and have to go buy more.
2. How to harmonize and sing with my eyes closed.
3. Beware of short men.
4. People with a real sense of style don’t wear black; anyone can wear black. Wearing color properly takes style. I rarely wear black.
5. Always wear socks to the gynecologist. You never know whose feet have been in those stirrups.
6. Communication is crucial to happiness.
7. Money buys freedom.
8. In times of pain, we do the most growing up.
9. Sometimes you have to suffer for beauty. No one said it was easy.
10. Never make fun of someone on the subway for picking their nose because they might follow you home and wipe it on you.
11. Be careful with the gloss. Sometimes it looks like you just ate a lamb chop.
12. When traveling, never dress like a ragamuffin. Always wear clean underwear and dress handsomely.
13. To pretend you like it even if it’s vile. You’ll find a way to return it.
14. Have a dress coat and shoes for all seasons.
15. The man should always love the woman a smidge more.
16. I’m short-waisted, which really means petite, even though I have long legs.
17. Don’t stick your arm out the window.
18. That kissing it really can make it better.
19. Don’t marry anyone who works for his family; they’ll control your life.
21. One won’t kill you.
22. If they are nice to you, but rude to the waiter, ask for the check.
23. When my hair is too long, I look like a country western singer.
24. Don’t wear silver and gold together.
25. Never pick up a hitchhiker.
26. To look the other way when I give blood.
27. Always have your own money stored away someplace safe.
28. It’s okay to tell people to fcuk off.
29. To always say “thank you,” even if you don’t mean it.
30. Don’t remove your shoes on airplanes; your feet swell and you might be unable to put them back on.
31. Don’t make your mother cry on Mother’s Day.
32. Always begin by saying, “Well I got it on sale.”
33. That a Cadillac is a "Jew Canoe."
34. Never get floral wallpaper or anything too busy. “You’ll want to vomit.”
35. To despise the ballet and pretty much anything at Lincoln Center (can you say overkill?).
36. That the small ornaments belong at the top of the tree.
37. To be fearless.
38. Hot chocolate tastes better if you put it in the blender.
39. Don’t eat too much sushi or you’ll get stomach cancer.
40. That I’ll thank her one day for insisting I take tennis lessons.
41. Bite your lips and pinch your cheeks.
42. Scotch tape the area between your eyebrows before bed (you frown in your sleep which leads to wrinkles).
43. To shave or wax the hair on your toes, too.
44. How to wrap packages.
45. To roast marshmallows in the toaster oven when there’s no fireplace.
46. Welcome new neighbors with freshly baked brownies, even if your little sister picked her nose while she helped you make them.
47. That I have a vagina.
48. To pronounce the store Target, Tar-shey.
49. To say very dirty things in Spanish.
50. Not to underestimate a stool softener.
51. To iron my hair.
52. How to hover over public toilet bowls without touching anything.
53. Believe me, if it’s going well, he won’t be looking at your shoes.
54. To make an old-fashioned grilled cheese sandwich.
55. To appreciate coffee and to take it medicinally for headaches.
56. If I’m running late with dinner, cook an onion and set the table, “It will appear as if you’ve been cooking all day.”
57. To move the crotch of a bathing suit to the side to pee instead of taking the whole thing off.
58. To flip through magazines backwards cause that’s where all the good stuff is.
59. To make Pad Thai, Egg rolls, Eggplant Parmigano, Roasted Peppers, Spanakopita, Rice Pudding, Lasagna, Meatballs, Custard, Gravy, Square Pizza, and mashed potatoes.
60. Never say “remember me?” to a person. If you have to ask, they didn’t.
61. To wear a girdle.
62. When baking, to always crack eggs into their own bowl incase they’re bloody.
63. To peek inside homes when children trick-or-treat.
64. To keep nuts in the freezer (to prevent rancidity), and your flour in the fridge (to prevent eggs from hatching).
65. To love The Beatles.
66. To devein shrimp.
67. It’s all in the presentation.
68. That Dr. Pepper tastes like prunes.
69. When you’re mature, you don’t put music on your outgoing message.
70. To eat like a truck driver.
71. To wipe from front to back.
72. Don’t over pluck your eyebrows.
73. Always have a black suit that fits.
74. How to use a vanilla bean pod.
75. What a jetty is.
76. Children shouldn’t ever wear black or be permitted to paint their nails red (Navy blue and pale pink were as close as I got).
77. Wear the most expensive accessories you can afford and you’ll always look put-together.
78. To despise Laura Ashley.
79. To appreciate high thread-count sheets.
80. To bait my own hook.
81. To use a wok.
82. Sesame seeds contain calcium.
84. Don’t lick your knife.
85. To never wear fuchsia.
86. To ignore gossip.
87. How to skip a rock on the water.
88. To make the whistle sound with a blade of grass.
89. How to stick a polynose seed on my nose.
90. To do leg lifts.
91. Wearing white makes you feel clean.
92. To make Rice Krispie Treats in the microwave.
93. That I’m “An Autumn.”
94. Wood makes it taste better.
95. “Christos Anesti”, “Kali Nikta”, “Galaktobouriko” (the only Greek I know: Christ has risen, Goodnight, Type of dessert).
96. To Pronounce GYRO: YEE-ro.
97. To give a “kunachi” (When you goose someone).
98. Eat raw parsley for good breath.
99. Brush my tongue.
100. To make rag curls, pin curls, and banana curls.
101. To squeeze and feel the burn.
102. Green is my color.
103. To pluck hair out of my mole.
104. To drink my damn water.
105. How to stick a firefly on my forehead.
106. To always use fresh garlic.
107. To smell food to enhance the flavors I taste.
108. That I’m a terrible driver “The Worst!”
109. How to play “see-food.”
110. Have a glass of wine.
111. To appreciate chicken soup, magazines, extra blankets, chick flicks, and bedtime stories when I’m sick.
112. To love the holidays.
114. How to be feminine: walk in heels, say excuse me (though I rarely do this), and personalize thank you notes.
115. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well, just get up and do it.
116. How to braid.
117. When navigating a nearly empty soup bowl, tilt it away from you and do the same with the spoon.
118. To honestly not give a shite what people think but to do what makes me happy.
119. There are kind selfless people in this world; I’m just not always one of them. She is.
120. “Always remember your mother.”