Polka Dots Are Never Slimming

I feel very low in energy, and what’s worse, I spent the day clothes shopping. In white shorts. They’re all that fits in all of my closet, aside from workout clothes. I look like a marshmallow. My stomach has a pouch. I look like a marsupial marshmallow. Now, where exactly do I find help? Because the magazines that promise a guide helping you dress to flatter your shape don’t list "marsupial marshmallow" in their index. But they do list "boyish," which is such a relief… to the two people with that "problem."

Everything was too small or too tenty. The clothes that did work, all super thick and forgiving… I couldn’t forgive myself for wearing in summer. Summer is about breezy light dresses, spagetti straps and bias cuts. But I’m a realist. I know what works with my short-waisted bod: A-Line V necks. They open up the neckline, focus on collar bones, and you can keep it bare or wear a showcase of a necklace hoping no one gives a shit about your arm cellulite. I’m all white and pasty and refuse to go fake bake or bother with a spray tan. I’m a redhead. I don’t want skin cancer. I don’t know how I let myself get to this place, how no one tried to stop me.

If they had, of course, there’d be another memoir naming names. So I’m glad Phil hasn’t ever said anything other than, I love you and am attracted to you no matter what. I know everyone feels like this at the beginning, that they have such a long long way to go, that they want to quit because what’s the use. But I don’t feel that way. It will take a long time. But it will happen. I just have to keep doing it. I wish I had the energy to exercise right now, but I don’t. I’m exhausted. If you asked me to go to an amusement park right now, to go on a shopping spree, anything, I’d say no. The only thing I might be able to bring myself to do is to walk on the elliptical machine. Tomorrow. I’m so tired. I think all I really need is a feel good movie, in the dark, while I hydrate with water. Tomorrow has to be better.

Also, may I just say… not eating fruit when cherries are ripe and the jewels of summer seem lit from within… sucks the big fat hairy moose cock.

A YEAR AGO: Confessions of a Bad Mother, View From the Bay
2 YEARS AGO: Now With 100% More Bullshit- FREE! Act Fast, Only While Supplies Last!