I need some serious help. At 3pm each day the sprouts go down for a nap. I sit outside their door sometimes listening. Waiting. Wondering. "Will she poop and then hold it like a lever today?" She digs for it as if it’s brown gold. It doesn’t matter if we duct tape her diaper closed. She gets in there and digs. She goes underneath, around the legs. She finds a way in. Then she grabs hold as if it’s a rope saving her from plummeting to her death. All this without a sound. I underestimate her sneakiness every time. All weekend long, we awoke to a shit storm, smeared on walls, on crib bars, on sheets, the carpet beneath the bed… clumps of it. And yes, even the curtains. We won’t discuss her actual body, her hair, and especially not her fingernails. I don’t know what to do. It’s not as if she doesn’t get plenty of loving positive attention from us all day long. It’s not as if we leave her alone in there for hours, abandoned. We tell her that behavior is wrong. We encourage the potty and sing, dance, and reward with stickers each time they sit on the thing with their pants down. She’s starting to at least pee on the potty, but neither of them have gone beyond that. I am beside myself and feel ill from all the cleaning products I’ve used to scrub down her prison of a bed. Why do NO parenting web sites cover this shit? Pun definitely intended.
According to their pediatrician, whom we of course consulted, it’s normal. It happens. It doesn’t mean we’re neglecting or giving too much attention. She’s not doing it for the negative reaction. We’ve tried everything from acting furious to mostly ignoring it, not giving her the satisfaction, simply putting her in a bath, not warm, not freezing. Not cozy fun playtime. According to their doctor, the best thing to do? Get a child to come over and teach them how to do it. Toddlers learn from watching older kids do it. So now I have to rent a kid to poop in my house. How exactly would I go about wording that on Craigslist? You know, and avoid jail time.
A YEAR AGO: Touring It Up
2 YEARS AGO: One
5 YEARS AGO: Valentine Envy
