Ouch. I'm not married, but have been going through something different but similar with my live-in boyfriend. I've been sick and out of sorts for the past few weeks, which means I haven't been buying all the groceries and making dinner every night. Normally, I'm happy to do these things because my job has me either working from home a few days every couple weeks or going away for work, and I wasn't home for over 3 weeks straight a little while ago.

He made some snarky comment about how, "Now you see how it is for the rest of us," meaning since I actually worked a long stretch of time and… well, not nice. Not nice at all. Particularly since I work this job because I make more money in 2 days then I would in an entire week, and because it lets me set my own schedule, thus allowing me to arrange my life & vacations around when HE has time. Then he snarked about how he doesn't want to have to take care of everything all the time ("all the time" apparently equals a few weeks.)

In any case, I felt the same – why can't you love and respect and support me regardless. I'm sick, why can't you shoulder some burden, unconditionally and without snark, for a couple weeks? And why do I get zero respect because I'm considerably lucky to have a job that doesn't require I work 9-5 every day?

I never really thought about it before, but "feeling respected and supported" has probably moved up to #1 on the list.

I'm not sure if this is a real conversation or not, but that is quite a double standard if you wouldn't be proud of him no matter what he chose to do, I'm surprised if you would really feel that way?
Anyway I hope things are ok and you're not thinking of stopping writing!

I totally understand where you were going with that convo. I think as a wife and mother, you want to hear how "just mother" ranks up there in "respectable career paths" vs having some kind of physical job that comes with a paycheck. Not everyone thinks about it. But, when my mom stopped working (when she had me), that's when my parents relationship went downhill because my father was of the school of thought that it's less of a job to be home with your kids. HE made the money, so it was HIS money, and my mother became totally subserviant money-wise for the next 30+ years (and two more kids).

After seeing this situation with my parents my whole life, it was important for me to find a guy who values mothering as a job…but there's always that little part of me that worries that I will lose respect for staying home, if that's what I feel I need to do- which I can't see happening, but it's just the POINT. You want to know that it IS something your husband respects as a "real job". It's not about actually quitting writing, it's about how he'd view you and your contribution to the marriage if you did.

What an honest moment. I've spent a lot of time dating men who are less financially successful than I am, so I always end up in the reverse conversation, trying to convince them that if we had kids it would make more sense financially if they stayed home with them. So far, I've yet to find any takers. Meanwhile, were the situation flipped, I would give up work in a heartbeat to stay home if it made financial sense. Which makes me wonder why I bothered with years of college and law school after all.

Are you freaking kidding me? Stephanie, at any given time, you can and WILL be replaced in a heartbeat by another writer out in this world, quite probably by someone who is much better than you. But you will NEVER be able to replace the position of being THEIR mother.

It’s the most important job in the world and I can’t believe the BOTH of you minimize the role of “just being a mother” or “just being a father”. If that’s what’s important, then who the hell cares who does it! Stephanie, you’ve worked damn hard for such a long time, take a break girl and be a mommie for a while. Not that you haven’t, but again you’ve been straddling the fence for a long time.

Evaluate your finances and see if you can pull it for a while. Phil, allow Stephanie to relax a little and stop being so judgmental. You both might be surprised that you like it.

I find this pretty humorous. He knows you wouldn't be happy, and you know you wouldn't be happy. We live in a world where we can't dedicate 100% of ourselves to the things we love 100% of the time.

If you gave up writing I think you'd resent yourself, your kids, and eventually him for not pushing you to keep doing the things you love.

You two are good together.

Not sure if my last comment went through, so here I go again. :)
There is nothing more important and beautiful than devoting yourself to being a mother. What does that even mean? More than a mother. It makes it sound as though being a mother isn't valuable and doesn't require any brains. Being a mother is the one true way to leave a legacy. Of course you will still write, but it won't be under the pressure of deadlines. Love is a choice, and I hope that your husband will always choose to love you and express that love. If a woman truly feels loved, she will feel respected – the opposite is true of a man. I think it is wonderful that you want to devote your time to those precious kids. I love your writing, but relationships are more important, and I encourage you to invest yourself there.

I think the problem I read in this is his being "proud" of you versus his being "cool" with your decision (if you decide) to stay home with the beans. Not being cool with it because you each know that the other would be unfulfilled and unhappy – good. Not being proud of each other if you make that decision, though.. ouch.

I don't know.. I guess I see pride in your significant other as being proud of the person they are, and in turn being proud of or concerned about the things they do out of the person they are. The definition of "pride" in each other I'm reading here seems a bit narrow and conditional. So for either of you to throw around the threat of "not-proud-of-you" just sounds too harsh. To me, anyway. You might see it differently than I do, though.

Wow, I am officially done with this blog. Stephanie, you have no idea what it is to really be a mother if you can even write the sentence "just a mother." I tried to validate my time reading your nonsense because I acually like your writing despite the content. I am done.

Wow – Phil being arrogant, close minded and idiotic? What a shock!

Count me in as another reader that did not see this in a negative way. As an outsider looking in, I see that Phil knows you VERY well, and knows that you are the best mumma when you have something just for you – and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

No one is "just" a mother, or "just" a father. Once you have babies, no one is a "just" anything anymore, ever.

And, for what it's worth, I'm "just" a mother, and if my husband stayed home, I'd think he was a deadbeat too. Double standard yes, but totally true.

FROM STEPHANIE: Exactly! That's it. Right there. I want the option of "just" being a mother. Obviously there's no "just" about it. When I write "just" I mean… just FOCUS on that one thing by choice. It's a double standard, sure. It's the traditional roles I know and am familiar with.

You can keep writing just not have any official projects on the table. Sure you won't have the time to be as prolific but writing just for you and not a deadline perhaps could have a positive effect on your work, who knows. Real writers can't just 'stop' writing. They might hate what they write sometimes (or all of the time) but they keep at it as it's sustenance to them. You'd probably find a balance and be able to produce just not at the same Perhaps you are feeling your babies' childhood flying by and panicking. That's to be expected. The nice thing is you have choices. We all do.

Scale back and not just work wise if that's what you need. Staying at home with the beans for a bit doesn't have to be purgatory. It can be restorative. I suspect you could get restless but you could always decided when it's time to get back to the full writing/meeting/etc. workload.

It seems like you are at least financially comfortable but if money is a concern I'm sure you both could sit down and find ways to downsize at least temporarily.

You'll always have your writing and creativity but your babies won't always be young; just make sure you be authentic and do what you feel is best. Even if it's a short trial run you won't look back and feel any regrets. You can't go wrong if you listen to your instincts.

Colleen- go easy on yourself. It IS hard and a thankless job..until much later when the kids are older. I just read an article the other day that stated children do not appreciate their parents until they are 22. Yep. Then again did we need an article/study on that to confirm this? I dare say it's not until those children become parents themselves that they grasp the sacrifice that was made by their own parents.

And I really like Phil. Maybe I'm just used to alpha males and 'get' them but I really think he knows you well, Stephanie. He knows you being the adorably fickle Libra you can be would vacillate between extremes and he knows you need to have a lot of things going on at once? Maybe this is his way of preventing an unhappy Stephanie? That's how I took it.
By the way I am 'just a mother' and have been for just a year. In the beginning I used to feel sensitive/defensive about it, like if I told people they would secretly judge me as being lazy and one dimensional but I love it so much even if they did I would be impervious to that kind of reaction. I didn't think this piece here was putting that choice down.. maybe it the phrasing of 'just a mother' came across wrong to some people but it seems you meant 'focusing solely' on the kids. Anyway I liked this dialogue- it's thought provoking. And yes, as much as my husband loves me caring for the baby and enjoys the peace of mind knowing he is on good hands he still has his 'off' days. Sometimes when he comes home from work he will snipe at me and make a comment 'well I've been at work all day" as if to say I have not been working. That sets me off but it doesn't happen often. Still.. you wonder if there isn't some tiny bit of resentment there on some level. My mother just tells me "Come visit us for a week, we'll let you do nothing.. relax.. and let him see what it's like. I assure you he'll never make a comment again".

OMG, seriously, everytime I read comments, they crack me the hell up. People who get so Personally offended or make judgements about Stephanie or her family based on a few sentences or paragraphs in a blog. I love your writing, I relate to it alot and if not, generally still feel it was worth the few minutes I spent reading it.
Gosh, I feel I am a great mom and I am proud to be one, but there are ALOT of moments I don't WANT to be defined that way, and alot I do. I would hate to be judged for a fleeting moment when I was pissed at my husband or tired of parenting or wanted to say f u to the world.
I don't know why Stephanie should be judged for NOT mentioning the new president (I mean what? is that antiamerican to not devote a whole blog to it?) or for any random emotion expressed. I thought blogs were like online diaries, people willing to share their zaniness…
I for one appreciate it…. good days and bad

Why don't you take some time off and consider it "research". I was thinking last night that I hope your next book is about motherhood, since we've now heard about your teen years and 20's.
I'm sure that spending time with the kids and other moms will inspire MANY words that your readers will find touching/amusing/truthful. Write them down when they come to you, little notes and stories. Then, in a few years, when the kids are a bit older and starting school, you can organize it all and turn it into the bones of a book?? Please don't give up writing!! I'm reading Moose right now and loving every word. Sometimes my 5 month old is crying in his crib for me to come get him and I sneak in another paragraph or two before going to get him :)

BTW – To those people who are judging your relationship ("I realize how great my life is compared to yours!" – I'm talking to you Ali E) – Shut the F up. Everyone has ups and downs, and at least Stephanie is honest about it and has the nerve to share it with the world. No one believes that your life is as perfect as you like to pretend…

It also comes down to things like "money". For some of us, staying home with our kids and putting our writing career on hold (or scaling it back considerably) is our only viable option. And although you claim you aren't saying "just a mother", you said "just a mother" several times in your post.

Putting yourself after your kids while they are small isn't always easy, but for some of us, it's worth it. Apparently it isn't for you, but don't expect to get a bunch of respect for posting something that implies that prioritizing your kids over your career is a weak choice. If Phil thinks so, he can go fuck himself.

I like to think you didn't mean it to come across like it did, but it sounded like a smug conversation between two people for whom all possible options were available, congratulating each other on how they weren't "just" parenting because they are somehow BETTER than that, so busy working, too. I very much doubt anyone on their deathbed looks back and says, "I should have spent more time at work!" The things you regret always have to do with people and time spent with them.

Anyway, the phrase "Just a mom" is insulting, no matter how you slice it. Most stay at home mum's are simply taking a sabbatical from their work and their other passions to put their kids' needs first out of either necessity or a belief that it is better for the kids. We're talking about a period of only 4.5 years here, then they are in school and time balances itself out differently. I will always believe that it's better for my kids to be raised by me than by a nanny. The years in which they are at home and need me are few, and I'll have many years ahead to write when they are in school. But we all make our choices, don't we? For you (and it sounds like for Phil), maybe, a TV show RIGHT NOW is more important than what your kids need or want right now, which is probably YOU and not you on a book jacket.

On another note, Phil doesn't seem like he's giving you much room there to make any different choices than the ones you've already made. What if you decide to go back to school? Do something completely different? It's pretty sanctimonious for him to say that he knows what you want and need, without listening to what you're TELLING him you want and need.

I have to agree with khr. Having just returned to work full time as a physician after the birth of my third child, I feel incredibly blessed to be married to a man who is able and willing to stay home with our children. I couldn't respect him more.

How could anyone not understand what she meant by "just a mother"?? Obviously it meant her focus…

My husband and I went through something similar. He also thought that I wouldn't be fulfilled staying at home because I had so many other areas of my life and career that I was passionate about. Now I am back to doing a job that I love now that my son is in school.

Every time we go to a parent-teacher conference or a sports practice and the teacher/coach compliments us on how our son is excelling my husband always thanks me for staying at home and giving up certain areas of my life to help our son flourish the way he has. Those compliments and thanks from him and knowing how much he appreciates me for being “just a mom” make it all worth it.

I would say go for it :-)

I think there's some confusion around Stephanie's terms "only" a mother or "just" a mother. I think she wonders what he would think if she were "exclusively" a mother.

Only and Just have additional connotations that diminish the work of stay-at-home moms.

But maybe, deep down, she would feel diminished if she were "only" a mother. Is there something wrong with that? Why is it so horrible to want to mother and to work?

I got the whole "just a mother" thing, and it didn't bother me.

So, effectively, Stephanie, you are not willing to let him do what you want to do.

The thing is, no one knows where life is going to take you. Not that I'd ever wish this in a million years–but what if Phil loses his job? You have to be work with what life hands you.

I am not saying that you shouldn't be just a mother, by any means. In fact, that seems to be what you want to do at the moment and it is certainly worthwhile, so I say why not, if it is financially feasible. The thing the say about this mommy war business is that you never know how you will feel until you get there, so it is pointless for a woman to judge another woman for being a stay-at-mommy/or a working mom. Oh, and most women don't have a "choice"–the ability to stay at home is a privilege indeed.

But it is unfair to expect your partner to be flexible or accomodate a change in career path (or how you fill your days) when you will not do the same. The whole "what you grew up with"/"tradition" seems to be a smokescreen for an inability to compromise.

Does he still question some of your parenting methods and techniques? I remember you posting a while back about disagreements you had about monitoring sharing between your children and stuff like that. Maybe that's part of it — he doesn't want to cede parental authority to you. For better or worse, that's what happens when one parent spends a lot more time with the kids than the other: it becomes "this is how I do it," or "this is my rule" as opposed to "our" rule. Same goes for housework, most husband no matter how much they try, don't get it "right".
Does Phil have the same work/life balancing issues? It seems like this should be something you work on together, since you're both in the same boat. I think if you feel estranged in what your expected responsibilities each are NOW, it would only be much much worse if you were focusing solely on parenting.

Hmmm… I'm "just a mom" right now and my husband is the breadwinner. I'd trade places with him in a heartbeat. Motherhood is a grind, gets no respect, long hours, pay sucks, etc… Unfortunately, his earning power is dramatically higher than mine. He would never go for it anyway. We have the same level of education, but he has technical skills that companies are willing to pay for.

I take the entire conversation to mean that neither of you would want your partner to give up what makes them who they are. If either of you became a stay at home parent by choice or due to the economic downturn, you would still deserve the respect and love of your partner.

So to sum up: Motherhood is real work. Stephanie and Phil want to be married to happy, fulfilled people. And don't let your children major in the Social Sciences.

I have counseled my 16 year-old daughter on several occasions to make sure that the man she marries understands that once they have children she will stay home with them and he will be the provider. Why have I counseled her this way? Because I'm a product of the feminist era of the 70's. I was indoctrinated to believe that I needed to get a college education so that I could support myself so that I wouldn't EVER need to be dependent upon anyone, least of all a man. So, being the good feminist, I did it. I earned the college degrees, doctorate degree, law degree and got a great job. When I had a baby, I went back to work 2 weeks after the baby was born because by then we thought we needed two incomes. The baby came to work with me. I was a frazzled mess. Oh, and I breast fed for 2.5 years. Talk about over achievement. Three months after the baby was born, my husband (now ex) quit his job. Did he help with the children? Yes, but it's never 50/50 in that regard. I became the sole breadwinner, breastfeeder, housecleaner and dinner maker. What a great deal! No. Not really. Do I want that for my daughter? Absolutely not. I want her to take care of her babies (for the sake of the babies) and marry a man who accepts, no, wants to be the breadwinner, at least until the children are in school. The problem is, now that men are spoiled with having it ALL–a wife (or squeeze) who works, cooks, cleans, raises the children–why would they settle for one who is "just a mother?" This negotiation, however, should take place before the kids are born, preferably before MARRIAGE, but most women don't realize they can't do it all until they find out the hard way.

I think in wanting to have it all we may have set ourselves up sometimes. We fight and fight and work to prove we are equal and then when we want to stay home for a bit, not forever, a bit, it's not ok. Why not? Have we shot ourselves in the foot? What is wrong with "just" being a mom for awhile.

Phil saying he knows you and that's not you? Just because for so long you have worked doesn't mean that you can't change your mind about how much you want to work. Now you don't want to. Why is that "not you?" If it's in your heart, then isn't it you? At least for today. Maybe not forever, but right now?

It's really not fair. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

I haven't ready any of the comments, so I may be repeating things. You see, Phil didn't marry a woman whose sole ambition was to be a mother. Perhaps he feels that if you were to drop everything to run after the beans you'd be a different woman. He wants you to be fulfilled and being a mum, while a true calling for some, might just be settling for you. I think he knows you, knows what you want and will do anything to help you get it, even if it means disagreeing with you.