She was sucking on a rope of her own hair, which I took not as a nervous habit as much as an omen. Upon closer inspection, I observed her nails were uneven, jagged little crusts. She had feral eyes and pallid skin, and when she wasn’t speaking, I sometimes thought she might try to eat me.
I’m pretty sure I edited this part out of Moose, fearing it was too overwritten. It’s hard to edit, to know when you’re hiding behind description because you’re really struggling with what you want to say. Still working on choosing a paperback cover. The latest round looks fun, but I still can’t decide. It’s a lot like editing, double-guessing in hindsight.
COMMENTS:
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Wish I had a blog where I could put yummy deleted scenes on. All I've been able to do is add a Deleted Scenes link to my website and hope SOMEBODY will read the crap I've wasted days on…
By itself, I guess I could see 'overwritten', but out of context, I can't say. Personally, I kind of like these sentences; maybe it's just my partiality to the use of "feral" – it's such a great word when it's not overused. So evocative and descriptive in just 5 letters.
I dont mind this type of descriptive writing. What I hated in SUAD and would hate on the TV version is the cutesy play on words, like Wasband, the type of dialogue in the chapter between you and Max, so punny and unbelievable. JUST..DONT….
Wasband is hilarious! I love it :)
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I like the word 'craptastic'. Used in the drollest of ways can be very effective!
I agree with Amy on both points. Honestly, SUAD was hard to read–it felt like you just words on the wall and shipped it off to the publishers—like you were trying to decide whether your spahgetti was cooked properly. I read books for this kind of descriptive writing not to throw made up pop words and slogans: wasband, mypod etc. Those words make you sound like you are trying too hard. Wasband might work really well in the blog, but not in the book.
I would keep the first two sentences and drop the third which to my ear doesn't ring true and feels excessive.
Don't change the cover design for the softcover – really.
I also found SUAD painfully overdone in parts but loved most of it.
I would cut the middle sentence. You've already established that she's "chewy" and nervous by talking about the hair, so the fingernail sentence seems overkill to me (even though I do like it; it just doesn't seem to fit well where you have it). I think the first and last sentence are great together.