I didn’t realize until I inspected an itty bitty eyedropper of Tylenol, squinting for the dosage information, that my eyesight is getting soggy. Where the world used to be crisp and HD, it’s now more of a muddied watercolor on a too small screen. And it’s no longer just distances giving me trouble. Instead of bringing the medicine bottle nearer, I had to look at it from a distance.

"I’m only thirty-two. This doesn’t happen to people until forty." I needed an eye doctor lickity-split. Dear doctor, it has been two years since my last examination. Please don’t tell me I’m going blind in a hurry.

"Your eyes are lazy," the doctor said.
"Yeah, well, I’m sure they caught it from my arms."
"You’re not losing your eyesight; it’s just that when you’re in front of a computer all the time as you are, your eyes become accostomed to only focusing at that particular distance."
"I see." Even though, as we both knew, I didn’t.
"You need to do eye exercises."
THAT’S JUST WHAT I NEED: YET ANOTHER EXERCISE ABOUT WHICH I CAN FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT DOING.
"I want you to do pencil pushups."

Lucky for her, I’d already filled up on a hearty plate of bitch toast, with spiteful syrup, and a dab of dastardly for breakfast. There was little room for my fiendish remarks. Still, she couldn’t be serious.

"It’s where you take a pencil with high contrast writing on it, like black on white–" Thanks for clearing that up, lady. "And you hold it close to your face, forcing your eyes to make the words come into focus… No you’re really not a candidate for laser surgery at this time because your prescription from three years ago is very different from the one I’m giving you today. Your eyes are, uh, changing too much for laser surgery." I’m totally going blind, and you don’t have the gnads to say it.

So today, I’m checking email, and I notice that Martha Stewart is getting a tad risque, and I don’t mean wearing black and navy together. Her latest bulk email is titled, "Lemon Tassels." Edible pasties? Martha? Really? I can’t NOT click on that…

…oh, Lemon Tassies, the petite cookie of the day. My lenses better be ready soon.