I’m leaving Napa soon, heading to SF for an appearance on View From The Bay (KRON4) from 3-4pm, and then onto the BlogHer conference, where I’ll hopefully make it to the newbie event on the roof of the St. Francis Westin.
I feel a little nervous, actually. It’s always nerve-racking when I’m scheduled to do live events. It’s the build up, the expectations, wondering what I’ll be asked and if I’ll be in a good place mentally. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I’m so much in the groove of things, having answered the same questions repeatedly, that I fear I come off as disingenuous. When really, I feel very lucky. And then I get angry with myself–well, I have–about not stopping to really think about the question, just spitting out my pat answer. Getting irritated and forgetting what a serious blessing it is to do what I do, I want to bitchslap myself. No one has ever said anything to me, but there are times where I know things go well, and other times, when I don’t feel like myself but whom I believe other people think I should be. AND I HATE HER. I think it takes practice to get to a place where you can be ON but can still be the off-hours you, who doesn’t talk in sound bites.
I’m hoping that today on TV, and in the coming days at BlogHer, and Sunday on TV (KRON4 News Weekend for Sunday morning, 7/20 at 845am), and at my Moose book reading at Book Passage at the Ferry Building from 2-3pm on Sunday, I’m able to be the me I like and know, and not the always on, with something funny to add because people like and expect funny, ham that I tend to play. I also can’t help but notice that when I’m asked questions about my life, I end up sounding like a self-help guru and feel the only thing missing is some type of musak with the pangs of a glockenspiel chiming in behind me. Then I put myself down for sounding like such a preacher teacher, but really, all I’m doing is speaking about what I’ve learned and lived hoping it might make someone else feel like they don’t always have to be on. That’s it’s okay to have off days, and sometimes, it’s even preferred.