I started to cry when I saw a little Asian girl clutching at her Anglo mamma’s hand today at the airport. Seeing her reminded me of an article I’d once read on an airplane about adoption. In the piece, the Caucasian mother who’d adopted a little girl from China relayed the struggles they faced in America. I only really remember a few details: that the kids at school gave the girl a hard time and told her that her parents bought her; the mother’s response being that oftentimes when there’s a birth, money is exchanged, bringing up hospital and doctor fees; the mother sharing with the reader that her daughter’s greatest joy is hearing about the day she and her husband went to meet her the very first time, how nervous she’d been, how she’d applied eye shadow to her lips, and how her daughter, and next, her sister, wanted to hear the story over and over again; and lastly, I remember the photos of the girls in their beautifully appointed bedrooms. I wonder, I thought as I examined their glossy lives, if they realize how lucky they are to have such beautiful furniture. What an odd thing to think. But seriously, it was really nice, and all the rooms had high ceilings and crown molding.

I didn’t cry today because the girl was Asian and I was reminded of how beautifully her mother responded to all her inquisitions, how she’d repeat the same stories again and again to the delight of her dimple-faced daughter. I cried because the little girl was wearing sparkly lavender flip-flops.

I’ve searched and searched, hunting for sequin-adorned sandals for my little girl, and I haven’t been able to secure, not a one. I miss her. It’s not that I don’t miss Lucas and Phil. Of course I do. But my Little Miss, I’m not there to watch her push her brother, or dress her in her pretty clothes and force her to wear her girly barrettes. In fact, I left in such a tailspin, that I fear Phil packed her up for New York without including a single rhinestone or ruffle. It’s vain, but it’s not. I just want to be near my Little Miss, for her to know she has a mama.

I miss Little Miss a lot more than a little.