"I want it to be as compact as possible when I’m not using it." It’s true of your cell phone, a pocket knife, or a contractible beach bag, even. But Phil feels this way about his man bits. The growers vs. showers debate unfolded in the following manner:
"I get these emails all the time," Phil says as he looks up from his laptop. "I just got one that says ‘Be 10 inches when flaccid.’ Who would want to be ten inches when they’re not even doing anything with it?"
"You’ve been sampling the punch again, haven’t you?"
"No, really, what’s the point? I mean, it’s not like it’s in service or anything."
"Well, I for one think it’s quite nice–are you kidding?!–a nice third leg hanging down mid-thigh…"
"Nah, who wants that? I want it to be that way hard, not soft."
"You want a collapsible travel cup."
"Who needs all that excess to just get in the way?"
"A radio antenna."
"You basically want a space-saver penis."
"This isn’t that pyramid show."
"Baby, the wheels of an aircraft are supposed to be retractable, not your dick." He shrugs. "How big is yours, I mean technically?"
"I don’t know." Lie numero uno.
"Oh, come on. Every guy knows, or at least has a general idea." When I say "general" I really mean they’ve accounted for the weather when measuring their instruments. Marked by exactness, penile particulars are never relayed in shrugs of "I don’t know." Males assess their assets from all possible angles, treating their calculations as if they’re SAT results, only considering the best combination of scores. If he admits to only having a "general idea," it means he’s all but tried to weigh the thing.
"I’ve never measured it." Dos.
"You mean never this year, or never since we’ve been married or something, right?"
"Then there’s something wrong with you." I get that it’s not a practice of grown men, but I cannot imagine a pubescent boy trapped up in bathrooms with his mother’s lingerie catalog, or even a dated J.C. Penny’s circular, and believe, even for a moment, that he never once measured his manifesto.
"It’s true. I haven’t." Tres and quatro: two counts for adamantly declaring it a truth. Next he’ll say he never once sampled the fruit of its labor. "Besides," he adds, "all that’s important is that it’s big when it’s in use, but otherwise, small as possible works."
"You’d never survive as a gay man."