compact cars and shafts

"I want it to be as compact as possible when I’m not using it." It’s true of your cell phone, a pocket knife, or a contractible beach bag, even. But Phil feels this way about his man bits. The growers vs. showers debate unfolded in the following manner:

"I get these emails all the time," Phil says as he looks up from his laptop. "I just got one that says ‘Be 10 inches when flaccid.’ Who would want to be ten inches when they’re not even doing anything with it?"
"You’ve been sampling the punch again, haven’t you?"
"No, really, what’s the point? I mean, it’s not like it’s in service or anything."
"Well, I for one think it’s quite nice–are you kidding?!–a nice third leg hanging down mid-thigh…"
"Nah, who wants that? I want it to be that way hard, not soft."
"You want a collapsible travel cup."
"Who needs all that excess to just get in the way?"
"A radio antenna."
"You basically want a space-saver penis."
"This isn’t that pyramid show."
"Baby, the wheels of an aircraft are supposed to be retractable, not your dick." He shrugs. "How big is yours, I mean technically?"
"I don’t know." Lie numero uno.
"Oh, come on. Every guy knows, or at least has a general idea." When I say "general" I really mean they’ve accounted for the weather when measuring their instruments. Marked by exactness, penile particulars are never relayed in shrugs of "I don’t know." Males assess their assets from all possible angles, treating their calculations as if they’re SAT results, only considering the best combination of scores. If he admits to only having a "general idea," it means he’s all but tried to weigh the thing.
"I’ve never measured it." Dos.
"You mean never this year, or never since we’ve been married or something, right?"
"No, never."
"Then there’s something wrong with you." I get that it’s not a practice of grown men, but I cannot imagine a pubescent boy trapped up in bathrooms with his mother’s lingerie catalog, or even a dated J.C. Penny’s circular, and believe, even for a moment, that he never once measured his manifesto.
"It’s true. I haven’t." Tres and quatro: two counts for adamantly declaring it a truth. Next he’ll say he never once sampled the fruit of its labor. "Besides," he adds, "all that’s important is that it’s big when it’s in use, but otherwise, small as possible works."
"You’d never survive as a gay man."



  1. Hangage, as I like to call it, is important in a flacid penis. My 2nd husband…well let's just say, I'm a lucky woman.

  2. I remember a group of guy friends telling me they had compared size in 6th grade. I had no idea it mattered, but the way they all deferred to the winner Davin convinced me it did!

  3. This was so funny… I was actually laughing out loud at my computer… love seeing little tidbits of your everday conversations…

  4. I liked this post! Now if you'd be so kind as to explain why men feel it necessary to perform a nut check (i.e., adjust themselves) in a professional setting? It bothers me to no end. We had a male sales trainer in our office last week and in the middle of leading the meeting he did a nut check at least three times! I think guys think we don't notice or excuse it by claiming it's just part of their DNA, but damn I find it gross — especially when the trainer wanted to shake our hands after the meeting!

  5. Snort… That is hilarious! I get those emails all the time, I love the ones that ask, "We have the hard cock that you needed replacing." Geez, how did they know that?

  6. Funny and timely post for me since my husband recently asked me if I thought our newborn son's package was too small.

  7. First I'd like to say I just found your blog today, and for this to be my first read… I'll be back. ROFLMAO!

    I've tried to explain the "Grower vs. Shower" phenomenon to men who mention bathroom peepage… they seem unconvinced.

    Ah well. I am glad I don't have one. As a woman I have enough insecurities, LOL!

    Either way, YAY for them (whatever their size when… ahem… not in use) and the men who have them!

  8. I have a theory that they all do it and lie about it. However, I just found out that my boyfriend and his friends discovered and watched porn TOGETHER at a friend's house in 5th or 6th grade? Is that normal? Do they all have that experience, or is mine defective?

    Boys are weird, from infancy on up, I guess. And it never gets better.

  9. Ok, that's hilarious! I can totally see where Phil is coming from, though; First, because who wants to risk encountering a huge flaccid penis? Ugh! Second, where WOULD he put it when it was not in use??? It really comes down to a space issue.

  10. We've all been there – men and their bits. Though I can understand Phils reasoning after all, would you want to see a perennial huge bulge in a mans pants?

    On another note, I would agree that he really should have taken a tapemeasure to it at least once :p

  11. oh my gosh. one, i love that you have the kind of husband whose down with you writing this. and two, that you wrote it =)

  12. "I don't know." Lie numero uno.
    hahaha! He is lying. Ask him if he's ever tried to suck his own. That's another thing men lie about but they've all tried it when they were younger. Shit, I would.

    As far as ten inches, who would want that hard? That's fucking huge *penis puns* and what kind of fun can you have with a big dong like that? Missionary, that's about it and you better be slippery as all get out.

  13. To Katrina: I had a boyfriend who used to watch porn with his roommate AS AN ADULT. I found it extremely creepy! Um.. do they DO anything while watching? It's one thing when they're in 6th grade – they're probably amazed that they're even watching it – but as an adult, I'd imagine tha the point is to take care of business while watching. Which, if in the company of other man, is a little weird. Be glad your BF did this practically pre-puberty! :)

  14. Never known a guy who didn't measure at some point. The newest phenomenon, which I totally appreciate, is manscaping. Looks bigger to them and it's cleaner for me. I used to spend far too much time wrestling a pube from the back of my throat. TMI? Oops.

    I agree with Phil. Who wants to lug around 10" when not in use? AND, when you've got one that big, it doesn't grow much when hard and doesn't get entirely hard.

    Give me the magic of one that grows by leaps and bounds. Love that! It's as if I'm the magician and my powers caused it to rise. Press just the right way and Presto, I'm a prestidigitator.

  15. Stephanie, I can come by in a pretty good mood or be on the verge of swallowing a bottle of Xanax, and I usually leave smiling.

    I l-o-v-e the "manscaping" and was pleasantly surprised that my husband, who usually considers any extra grooming too gay for his bubba sensibilities, also likes the idea.

  16. Completely random question, but do you fall asleep more or less as soon as you hit the pillow or does it take you time to get to sleep? If the later, what do you think about before you sleep? Is it always a litany of your day or something completely different? Was thinking about this last night b/c my partner falls asleep instantly, but it usually takes me at least half an hour and, to be honest, it's often one of the best parts of my day. Since I was a kid, I've put myself to sleep by thinking through my own bedtime story of sorts, a semi-conscious mix of whatever I feel like escaping into, contemplating, exploring or playing with, sometimes I create whole nightly serials, rewinding, fastforwarding and tweaking to suit my mood or play with options. To me it's completely normal, something I don't even consciously think of at times but my partner was suprised. I've been thinking about the dividing line between our waking and subconscious worlds and am curious about other people's experiences.

  17. the nut check is usually all about sweaty balls. which just made me laugh, b/c it made me think of the funny alec baldwin snl skit…any man that i've been with that seems to have to do this too much, i recommend dusting those munchkins with a little powdered sugar (baby powder). works.

  18. Stacey, I couldnt help but picture powdered sugar donut holes for balls when I read your comment. Heehee.


    I can't believe he didn't mind you posting about this! Once, Mr. Manic, (at bandcamp), shot himself in the eye, but I'm not sure if he ever tasted it!

    I like how Phil thinks about it though; it does make sense, not wanting it to get in the way and all.

  20. My suitor's man-bits get to the double digits when they're hard, yet when he's not in the mood it goes down considerably. I actually really like it, as does he.

  21. Seriously…where would they put it. Maybe if they could carry it around in a cute Coach bag like we do our lipstick. I wouldn't be able to deal with that being in my way all the time.

  22. For this post I'm annonymous. My hubby has a medical problem (diabetes) that had by age 46 made his shrink to a nub and stay that way. Nerves and blood flow, it's a good thing to have. It's beyond ED it's more like PD. His balls on the other hand are gigantic. I'm happy to report that he's a great cook, soul mate and kisser, which almost makes up for the no-sex part of our union. Almost.

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