needy, psycho, and shit

You know what was awesome? When I had this blog a la single on the side. And I apparently shared too much. TMI for any guy. "No one will want to date you when you have a blog like this." It went like this: even if you find someone open minded enough, who really doesn’t care what you write, he’ll care if his friends find it. If his parents find it. He’ll be embarrassed of you. Either shut it down, or just stop already.

So let me get this straight. Stop writing honestly about my single life in case some guy (whom I haven’t even met yet) has a problem with it? Because it’s a real turn off. Because men like a chase. Because people can google this forever. Because women should preserve a veil of mystery. Stop doing everything you’re driven to do, and then you’ll find someone. Mmm, yeah. Great advice.

So I continued to write about wetting the bed and not so much getting off when a guy dines in. I wrote about being clingy, needy, and fucked up. Though I spelled it fcuked, hoping (in vain) I wouldn’t be blocked everywhere. I wasn’t about to curtail everything I thought or expressed because of what others expected. I didn’t need to fit into a neat package fit with a bow.

Excuse me, but if he’s the right guy, he won’t give a shit. Not only won’t he care what I write on a blog, but he certainly won’t care what his friends or mother thinks. He’ll be his own man and live his own life. And I found him. A few of him, actually.

Surprisingly, not everyone is turned off by how a woman they’ll possibly some day marry writes about her turn ons. And the best part is, in being who you are, you meet other people who care only about that: who you really are. They don’t care what you look like on paper, what their buddies think, or if you’ll fit into his family dynamic. You attract people who are enchanted with the real you. And there’s nothing sweeter than being rewarded for what you already love to do. For just being you. All needy, psycho, and shit.



  1. But in all seriousness, if you had actually shut down this site then you'd have no readers thus no buyers for your books. The truth is you need this blog to perpetuate your career…right?

  2. Amen. I had a "column", not a blog, specifically to write about my online dating experience. I married the one that was cool with being written about and while didn't initially love it, he grew to appreciate it for what it was and who I am.

    I totally get you.

  3. Laughing my ass off over here at the 'needy, psycho and shitt'. So true. What woman doesn't want someone to love her like that?
    ow try to enjoy this dreary gray Austin day; I'm glad I started mine off with this.

  4. Funny, when I use to write my "single's gal" blog I had a similar mix of good and bad reactions. The gorgeous boy from San Diego couldn't handle it and darted the moment he discovered I was writing about him. Though, maybe it was the mention of his particulary small package? I guess that would send any guy running.
    But then there were others who LOVED it, loved me, for writing it. I thought overall it was very powerful dating tool. Now I'm happily married to an amazing guy with a nice package, and I blog about babies! It's all come full circle.

  5. I do admire you for being able to put it all out there. The honesty. I have a real problem with doing that, myself. Not so much because of guys. But family and employers. It helps that I don't go by my legal last name. But only for a while. :)

  6. So well said Stephanie!!

    I get this ALL the time: men who say they'd like to go on a date with me, but they're scared. They basically ask me to sign a pre-nup beforehand, saying that I will never blog about them.

  7. Stephanie, unfortunately, you don't realize that the world isn't like this. Sure, you personally have met a few guys who don't care, but you are also a very good-looking girl, so you can pick or choose a little more. Let's be honest. If you didn't have boobs and hair, you'd have a really rough time, and the blog would have made it a lot rougher.

    Besides, it all depends on the kind of guy you want, and the kind of person you want to be seen as. You want a non-shy guy, but some of us like the quieter type.

    I would not want a guy who is so full of himself that he thinks the world wants to hear about all his turn-ons and sex. Intelligent, thoughtful posts would turn me on more. Not airing all your dirty laundry.

    But if you are a person who doesn't care what anyone thinks, then by all means, be yourself – take the risk! Not all of us can do that, though. It's true.

    But you and I, we wouldn't choose the same types of men anyway. I read in your book how you dumped a man because he had the move to drive you outside of New York City for a date. And the guy whose penis is too small.

    Awww, life is tough.

  8. Didn't you use to not blog about people you were dating until after it was over though? I seem to remember you saying something like this, it seems a bit nicer and still honest

    FROM STEPHANIE: I changed names and usually waited a week before posting something about the person.

  9. Blog or real world, I think being who you really are is crucial in forming an authentic relationship with someone, trying to be someone else is ridiculous and I don't know why any of us do it. I mean I know, but it still is nuts.

    I did it, The (stupid) Rules tell us to do it, and some women continue the myth. So it might work for some, if working = getting the guy, but how on earth does he know who he is marrying if he hasn't been having a relationship with who you really are?

  10. Sonja, I'm not one of Stephanie's naysayers, but you are a witch with a capital B.

  11. Wow. Being all needy, psycho, and shit is, truth be told, my hallmark and specialty. Perhaps I should start a blog… ha, ha, HA.

  12. I've often thought about this. And I say- good for you! You have so much more courage than I do. I am so glad that you found someone as great as Phil who seems (to us) to fully support the blog- even posting a beautiful post when you had little Lucas and Abigail.

    However, if it were me, my greatest hesitation would be the families. With my friends, I don't leave out any dirty details, but with my parents/grandparents… I certainly do. Personally, I wouldn't want my mom (or dad!) knowing intricate details of my sex life. Kind of the same reason I would never be a good candidate for the "Real World" or any sort of reality show. I know for you, your dad is your best friend and no doubt supportive of you, your books and your blog. I truly admire this openness and often wonder how you feel about this.

  13. I do admire your straightforwardness, although I choose an alternate tactic. I remain anonymous to cultivate my own honesty, not because anyone ever told me to. And Sonja has a point- when you have men asking you out left and right it makes it easier to air your own flaws. Beautiful women get away with flaws that become deal breakers for the average girl on the street.

  14. I love reading the blog, and enjoy every post… and I loved this one especially, because I’ve also felt the need to hold back on myself… not say/do/act… in a certain way, for fear of “not following The Rules” and getting dumped, or not having him like me…

    It took me a long time to make peace with the fact that if a guy really likes you and wants to be with you, he’s going to do it no matter how you act or what you say, or do, or blog… and all other’s who have problems with how you are as a person and what you do – then, maybe they are just not made for you.

    And a big up to Stephanie for blogging about it, because some where out there, some girl is also holding back on herself for a man – and perhaps her reading this blog entry will help her be more cool about being her…warts/blog and all!

  15. It's simple, it's just another variation of: never pretend to be someone else in order to get a man.

  16. Here here!

    I actually tell guys that I'm dating about my blog. They can read it and get to know each and everyone of my quirks, before they begin to romance me. My blog is a reflection of me, if they didn't like it well… I also use my blog to dump guys, it's easier to write in a blog that I don't think things are working out, rather then tell a guy myself. Sick, I know.

    Of course although my private life is somewhat on display, I NEVER talk about work. It's just this one thing that I can never do.


  17. okay this would be the title of my autobiography

    "about wetting the bed and not so much getting off when a guy dines in."

    Thank You!

    p.s. how do you feel about sex and the city and the new Lipstick Jungle?

    every time i hear a trailer for some new series based off a book I get so excited I could just pee myself and then it's not you, yet. Let us know when/if 'yet' comes!!

  18. "And Sonja has a point- when you have men asking you out left and right it makes it easier to air your own flaws. Beautiful women get away with flaws that become deal breakers for the average girl on the street."

    Thank you. (That's why guys shouldn't only judge us based on looks.)

    Stephanie, I do agree that you should be yourself, and men have to get over it if they feel intimidated by a blog. HOWEVER, you have some responsibility to consider that some people are private and would not like to date a girl who throws all her failings and turnons onto the internet. Again, it all depends on who you are looking for.

    A lot of "nice guys" might think twice if you put all your sh*t out there every day.

    AND if the small penis thing, and driving to another state for a date, are going to make you dump a great guy, then I'm not the one who's a witch with a capital B.

    FROM STEPHANIE: First off, I wasn't the one calling you names. Second, I was looking for a sweet nice guy, someone who wasn't Mr. Center of Attention. No musicians, no larger than life comedians. I wanted someone who was comfortable taking a more quiet role. From what you've written here, it seams you're stereotyping, saying shy nice guys would never put up with a woman who put it all out there. Surprisingly, I was with many a sweet guy who didn't mind what I wrote. Like I said to all possible dates, I never use real names, and I never posted as it was happening. Mostly, they were flattered that I'd have anything to say about them at all. Let me assure you, though, there are plenty of conservative, gentle, men out there who love a strong woman who's not afraid to be herself. Plenty.

    It sounds very 1950s to say, "Well, if I want a quiet man, I better be conservative myself so I can get one." How about, "I'm going to be myself because this is my life, and I'm going to live it. And hopefully someone will come along who'll want to spend his life (being himself) with me (being myself).

  19. Dang Stephanie, I don't think Sonja was saying you called her names; I think she was responding to the person who did. And maybe you had "many" a sweet guy chasing after you b/c of the way you talk/blog about sex and not because that wanted to wife you, but b/c they wanted to fcuk you. Not being ugly b/c I think your great; just saying.

  20. Wow–sorry such a long comment, maybe I should publish it as a post on my own blog, I didn't realize it was getting so long!!! I guess I find this topic really interesting. Anyway, long post short for those who can't be bothered to read my "essay": I don't think there is anything wrong with writing what you want about yourself online and I don't see any reason why you need to worry what others think of you when you are acting in a way you yourself find acceptable.


    This is a really interesting and timely topic. My view is that I can't see anything wrong with writing what one wants about oneself online or elsewhere. But I also think that "being yourself"and being private about what you reveal online are in no way mutually exclusive. You can be yourself and be private or be very revealing but not true to yourself. The two are not related or dependent on one another.

    I do definitely believe that there is no need to change ourselves or our presentation of ourselves from who we really are to impress anyone. Some may choose to and that is fine and their prerogative. But I don't see a need for it for myself and don't think it's wrong or foolish to *not* alter our presentation of ourselves for the sake of molding others' opinions of us.

    One thing I do think often crosses the line though is writing about other people's private affairs and personal lives. If our revelations are about us only, well, we have the right to make those revelations. But (unless we've been given an ok by others to write about them) posting other people's personal business, even if they are not openly identified or some details and/or chronology, etc. has been changed, often seems to me to be betraying the trust others put in us and/or just doesn't seem like something that is for us to put out there for the world to see.

    Sometimes we have to discuss others because they play a part in our stories, but obviously what we choose to reveal is discretionary and we can explain how someone has affected us without necessarily over-revealing details about them that don't pertain to us or aren't really necessary for the purposes of our story–or just are not really the type of info. that is for us to publicly share about another.

    If someone does something to us, I think in some way they give a default ok for us to discuss it since they are involving us in their behavior. But to discuss other aspects of others' lives that have nothing to really do with us, that I think is usually crossing the line and not something that is our place to publicly broadcast.

    I think the standards also *might* (I'd have to give it more thought) be different when it comes to certain issues involving public figures but even then if we know those people in an intimate context I think there is always an expectation of privacy and trust that people bring to such dynamics, and to broadcast aspects of those dynamics to the world seems a betrayal of an often unspoken but commonly understood expectation of mutual trust and discretion.

    Talking about things others have aleady chosen to make public about themselves may be somewhat different, too. Though perhaps in some cases it may not be in the best taste, it is at least something the person involved has already chosen to reveal.

    As evident from all the "exceptions" above there can be a really fine line between what feels okay and what seems just plain old exploitative. I think anytime we write about others we have a responsibility to really think about wy we are doing it, if it's necessary, how it will affect the person, if it is our place to share this info., how we got the info., etc.

    There is a lot involved. If I had to make a rule of thumb though, I'd choose to err on the side of not printing the intimate details of others' lives online, especially when those details do not involve me and/or I haven't been given permission to discuss those details.

    It can make writing more juicy and interesting when the author does choose to include private details about others. It might make for engaging reading, but typically, at least for me, it ends up being the kind of content that tends to leave a bad taste in my mouth, whether I have been on the reading or writing end of the transaction (and even worse if I'm on the written-about end of it all!)

    Standards of privacy are continually changing these days and many in younger generations don't have the same privacy expectations as the older generations. I realize this is something that can be pretty subjective and the above is just my opinion and thoughts, not something I think others necessarily do or ought to agree with.

  21. sonja, you can have all the small penis men I've left in the dust! by all means. (and some women dont even date out of their neighborhood, what does being a witch have to do with preference)

  22. Funny…my Grandma said something like that the other day, she's never READ my blog, but she mentioned my FRANKESS about men a bit offputting, she also told me to never leave the house without looking my best…then she eyeballed my outfit which consisted of ratty uggs, ratty tshirt and ratty sweats- sans makeup. To bad i'd feel like an asshole if I copy and pasted this blog in an email to her…though, I'd love to.

  23. I applaud you for putting yourself out there, and it seems you enjoy it–and it takes courage. I do feel it's possible to not put yourself out there completely, and have that in itself be a reflection of your authentic self. I am more of a conservative type, and I want(ed) a conservative man. So in being myself, which meant holding back on certain things that to me feel uncomfortable to address till further down the relationship road, I ended up with a man who operates in a similar way. Point being that sometimes your authentic self is a self who does hold back.

    I agree that as long as you're being honest about who you are, you will find somebody who likes that person. Sometimes I envision myself learning to be more forward, but that wouldn't really be me, and would freak my husband out a little. So we progress in baby steps, which is okay with me but would drive others crazy.

    Stephanie, I have been a lurker, so Hi for the first time, and I love to read what you have to say. The only blog I read. I hope your tour will come to Lakeway! I'll make a request.

    FROM STEPHANIE: Thanks Heather, and welcome.

  24. yes but — here's a new angle. my children might be upset — no, _would_ be upset — if they found my blog. i'm 60 & dating, and i know they wouldn't like to read what i say about my ex-husband, their father. and i have no wish to upset them, so i stay anonymous. i told one man (whom i dated for six months) about my blog; he was not especially interested in it then, though he may be reading it now to see what i'm saying about him!

  25. There are blog teasers and those who take the jump, it's a risk, and what would the world be without risk takers or teasers?

    I say do what's best for you, and what you know you can withstand. It's a choice we all must make when blogging, sometimes saying "this is who I am" and not having the safety net of anonymity is the risk one takes, sometimes it's not. I say a man who loves and adores, will love and adore despite all these things.

  26. wow. i so needed to read that. THANK YOU!!! i've been going around & around reading crappy relationship books so i can be the perfect girlfriend and i'd kind of gotten to the end of my rope. trying to figure out what he's thinking and what he's thinking about me and if i'm saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things or being clingy or too needy is exhausting. i'm taking your word, the word of someone who's been there and done that, for it. Why in the world would i want him to like me for anything other than who I am?? Thank you!

  27. I don't have a blog – but I could be described as needy and psycho. However, I did find a man that loves me for me and it makes being with him effortless. You need to be able to be yourself in a relationship or it will never work. Besides, now that I am happily married I'm only a little needy and psycho.

  28. Life doesn't always work like that. Maybe I'm just too scared of baring my soul, you're definitely braver than me, and most, but when I bare my soul I value my anonymity in that if someone did read it, they wouldn't necessarily realise it's me.

  29. Okay! So I realize that this post is not about the cheese puffs, but I just wanted to let you know that they are my family's absolute fave! We have them at Thanksgiving and Christmas right next to the stuffing.

  30. Coming late to this convo, but Sonja, the simple fact that you said "some people are private and would not like to date a girl who…" tells me everything I need to know about your approach here.

    What you didn't acknowledge was, "the girl who" does whatever it is that would make some people not want to date her, probably doesnt' want to date them either. If she's smart.

    Not being yourself in order to Get A Guy that you like is not just shafting your authentic self and short-changing your own life. It's incredibly deceitful and the exact OPPOSITE of an act of love toward a person you profess to love. Someone earlier alluded to that – how's he supposed to know who he's marrying/dating if you don't show him who you are? If you like him, don't you think he deserves at least that? To make up his own mind? Wouldn't YOU be pissed off to learn that the guy you were dating wasn't who he said he was?

    It's way more sinister than simply depriving yourself.

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