karma police

If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would be a mother of healthy children, a wife, and a writer.  I would live in a new house, with steam showers, full tubs, and dimmer light switches.  I’d have land, a pool, a hot tub.  I’d have a lovely SUV, and no one would ever suggest a minivan.  I would be connected in a deep meaningful way to my husband, and we would keep our marriage a priority and a goal throughout our lives together.  We would have trust, respect, and friendship.

Above is something I wrote on the second day I ever posted to this very blog, January 21, 2004.  And so much of it has come true already.  Maybe life can be fair sometimes.  Maybe Karma does work.  Now all I need is the hot tub and pool.  It’s so strange that I happened to buy a house where nearly every light is on a dimmer, where I actually have a steam room and sauna, full tub, land and SUV (though, I think the only reason I wanted an SUV back in 2004 was because I was obsessed with having more space, while living in a one bedroom apartment).  It’s strange that I dreamed it all up, just that way.  To wish I could be a mother, wife, and writer, and then for it all to happen.  It still amazes me.  I’m just so happy with my life.  Some people get what they’ve wished for, and still, they never feel content.  I am so happy with my life, my children, and my husband.  I love having this time to myself and the babies.  I’ve decided no more television for a while.  Too many studies say it’s bad news for children under two years of age.  It means more work, giving them my full attention all the time.  And I’m okay with that.  I actually like it.  Tonight we listened to Christmas songs, as I read to them from holiday decorating books.  Okay, and a Big Bird’s Adventures book that they like to eat.  And I love every last noodle of it.  Yeah, Lucas puked all over me: the sweater, the jeans, the hair.  Who cares?  He’s doing great.  His spinal tap results are in… and well, basically, they revealed nothing.  His WBCs (white blood cell count) was much lower than last time, but the doc did say that didn’t mean much, since this time it was taken from a different place.  The fluid came out THICK… which initially scared me, but I knew it wasn’t anything.  And I was right.  Just some old cyst or something.  They’ve tested for everything, and it has all come back negative.  Maybe it’s all the prayers.  I’m so thankful.  I really am.  I feel incredibly lucky and fulfilled in life.  It scares me sometimes to say so, as if I’m tempting "the Gods."  I’m just enjoying while I can, which I suppose is all any of us can do.



  1. It always scares me to admit such things too…like as soon as I say I'm happy, fate will intervene to change all that. I knock on wood constantly to counter it. ;) I'm happy for you, Stephanie! So glad you've found the place in this world where you belong.

  2. I read that same post today and thought wow…it sounds like she has everything she knew she would need at one point in life.

  3. very nice. i had a scare today with my pregnancy, and it just brought it all home to me, what i should be thankful for, etc. i guess its so easy to take things for granted. and not to be corny, but…it really is a wonderful life. merry merry merry, months and months and months early. :)

  4. I was just thinking the same things today -that I am a lucky woman and I am blessed to have a husband who adores me (and i adore) and a life many people dream about. It is so important to be grateful for what you DO have instead of focusing on what you still want, desire, covet.
    Makes me feel better that I have a stitched-up finger, a sore back, and a patch of eyelashes I ripped out yesterday morning with the eyelash curler. (I said I was lucky – not graceful) Thanks for this post.

  5. I like this post for many reasons. It is great to see you in a happy place. I also know what you mean about tempting the gods. It makes happiness seem like a precarious state. Maybe I should start writing down my aspirations…

  6. As a long time reader of your blog, it's been an inspiration to see you have so many of your wishes come true. You've put in a lot of hard work to come this far – and I love it that you take the time to actually think about your happiness, and to be grateful for it. I'm a big believer in the idea that what you put out there for the world comes back to you in spades. Cheers to your happiness.

  7. It's okay to be happy and grateful. You almost sound like you are waiting for the other shoe to fall if you acknowledge your happiness. I am so happy for you and being grateful is a wonderful way to feel. I'm so glad "the beans" are happy and healthy now and you and hubby are in love. Your love for one another will really impact them. Enjoy!

  8. SO great to hear Lucas is doing well. I believe his healthy status IS due to all the prayers.

    The post you did awhile back… just got a chill in reading that most of it came true. Gives us single girls hope. ;)

  9. Thanks for the update on the tater tots! We ARE still praying for Lucas, and for your whole little family for strength and healing :) And you are so lucky, to be perceptive about all of this, about knowing and acknowledging that your ship has come in! Truly blessed.

    I think thats what parenting, becoming a mother, does actually..teaches us how blessed we are, and what a great thing it is to be a family.


  10. "I would live in a new house, with steam showers, full tubs, and dimmer light switches. I'd have land, a pool, a hot tub. I'd have a lovely SUV…"

    Oh, how this sums up a shallow, spoiled girl.

  11. your positive attitude is so inspiring. how great that you aren't taking these happy moments for granted. i have been through so much like you (an upper east side girl, divorced from an asshole doctor with a wicked mother in law, remarried now with a baby girl—) and i think because of our past difficulties we are more apt to appreciate the "normal" happiness that others can miss. thanks stephanie!

  12. wow. This is timely and gives me hope. Yesterday I wrote down for myself what I want my life to look like, if I could have anything I want. If I could live any life I want. Being perpetually single, and even more perpetually broke – it seems like a pipe dream. But maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hope for me yet…??

  13. wow. This is timely and gives me hope. Yesterday I wrote down for myself what I want my life to look like, if I could have anything I want. If I could live any life I want. Being perpetually single, and even more perpetually broke – it seems like a pipe dream. But maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hope for me yet…??

  14. Inspiring to anyone who read this – it all happened for you a few years later.
    And please do not worry about tempting fate by admitting you are content and happy with how things are… I know what you mean but do not worry. We're conditioned to expect something bad to happen to temper too much happiness for some odd reason. I will say that admitting you are so fulfilled to certain people (not the universe itself) might make some envious. But you know what? That really isn't your problem.
    SO HAPPY for the negative test results for Lucas. I do think all the good intentions and prayers of everyone in your life has helped.

  15. Sweet babies. I'm so glad they're thriving, both of them. And I'm glad you're in such a good spot right now.. even if it's a spot covered with Lucas puke. :) There is far worse puke in which to be covered.

  16. Lovely. This post makes me want to write my own manifesto of what I want from the universe. I've heard putting it out there can really make dreams come true. Thanks for reminding me that before I can get what I want I need to know what that is…

  17. great idea about the "best of all possible worlds" writing idea…and congrats to you. i think it's wonderful…all the things you've worked hard for and manifested in your life. you should be impressed with yourself.

  18. Stephanie, you sound fabulously happy! I bet Lucas's improved health makes you the happiest. When 'Moose' becomes a million seller, no doubt, you'll get that pool.

  19. At first when I read this I kind of did a silent gasp! It's so not in my nature to brag about all the good things in my life out of total and numbing fear it will all go south any minute. However, if you are spreading the good karma then brag away! Right about now I could use some. Oh, and I am happy for you and hope all your good luck continues. What goes around comes around right?

  20. First off, I love your blog. I think it's one of the best out there and you are really a talented writer.

    But I am wondering how you feel about the environment. I can't imagine the guilt of driving an SUV, the ultimate symbol of "I don't give a fuck about the planet." Don't you worry what kind of message that will send to your kids and, as a taste maker with tons of fans, don't you feel like it's kind of irresponsible? (I'm really not judging, it's something I've been curious about for some time).

  21. JV,

    Try traveling with twins to the supermarket or anywhere for that matter! When you realize a double stroller and all the other essentials you tow along don't fit in your prius, you'll beg for more room so YOU fit in the car. She didn't say she bought a hummer or esplanade! SK is doing it right.

  22. Great post! I wrote something very similar about "tempting the Gods" in a journal I was reading the other day. When you have been to a place that is so dark, you don't want to test happiness when it comes your way. You are thankful when you have it is all you can really do, which you mentioned. I'm always afriad I won't be thankful enough, and when the bad times come (which they will) I will look back and be frustrated with myself for not knowing what I had then. We never really know how good we have it, ever. Things can always take a turn for better or worse.

  23. My fabulous Italian girlfriends always make sure I have the red ribbon tied on when they come over. Today, especially, with this delightful post, you'll need it. Put on a bra and tie one on. Quick!
    The M poster stands for MISERABLE.

  24. So since it's shallow and spoiled to want more than what you have, "M's" aspirations must be to live in a lantern-lit hovel with no car, no running water, roaches, busted-up rat-infested everything. Right?

    Of course not. You know that given the choice, you'd choose up, at least in some ways. If that's shallow and spoiled, then so is 99% of the world. Blah blah blah. There's always one shit-flinger, isn't there.

  25. The first part of your post sounds like something out of The Secret.

    You are right enjoy the moment…I need to take your advice!

  26. Re: "I'm just enjoying while I can, which I suppose is all any of us can do."

    Yes, so be in the present moment as much as you can everybody… because it can be taken away in a split second… (-;

  27. you didn't have to sell your, um, soul or anything to get all your dreams, did you? i'm just checking before i list what i want my life to be filled with…

  28. It's not shallow to want nice things. It's shallow if they are the only thing you want and the only thing that will make you happy. The whole point of this blog when it started out was that SK was determined to be happy in her situation, despite the crap that had happened to her in the past. It's okay to look back and say "I had a pretty good life then, but I have an even better one now." Don't be so bitter people!

    And JV – don't you feel so guilty about the carbon emissions you're creating by using the power to run your computer while you read this blog? Shut it down and go hug a tree.

  29. Beth, Stephanie is awesome enough to fight on her own. In fact, she doesn't need to engage morons in a fight, period.

    Go hug a tree? I honestly take offense to that, just like some of my pro-life friends would get offended if someone associated them with abortion clinic bombers. No wonder people in the middle feel they can't make up their minds without identifying with one of the two extremes. FYI, there are plenty of moderates who don't track carbon footprints, who drive hybrid or small SUVs and who sometimes remember to recycle, no need for crazy judging one way or the other.

    You lecture not to be so bitter, but I guess *you* can be mean as long as you're the one lecturing, huh?

    If the commenters on this or any blog were to all actually meet…well, we'd neither be so sycophantic or ridiculously cruel as most of us are anonymously. As Stephanie says, time to start living authentic lives, which means stop hiding naked and ugly behind keyboards.

  30. Read this post and did a happy dance for you. Yes, there is good karma. It's amazing that once you become a mom it takes a lot more than being puked on to kill "the buzz" that happens from just hanging out with our kidlet(s).

  31. What a beautiful post, Stephanie. In your words I feel happiness. I feel the same and I am really lucky.
    I enjoy every moment, that's the secret!

  32. Good on ya Stephanie. Its lovely. I got an unexpected bonus and a raise this month and you know what? Besides having to pay off a mortgage, there's nothing else I want. I have my little piece of Africa (and I mean little) and my house and my dog and cats and my family and enough clothes and enough *stuff*. So I'm giving where I can now, some here, some there, you know, and it makes for even more happiness.

  33. Oh, so would rather read something like this (my life)….

    "If the not so best of all possible worlds were reality, I would be a mother of a healthy child, an ex-wife twice over, and a legal secretary in an office that is 50 miles roundtrip from my home that needs major repairs.. I would live in a fixer-upper, with plastic surround showers, a tub, and light switches with plastic $1.00 covers. I'd have land that has poison ivy and ugly pine trees, a pool of water that collects near the house and causes mildew, and a hot tub of butter due to fridge not working properly. I'd have a lovely older car with 98,000 miles on it and in need of a brake job, and no one would ever suggest a BMW. I would be connected in a deep meaningful way to my ex-boyfriend who will never be able to commit, and we would keep our friendship as a priority and a goal throughout our lives together. We would have trust, respect, and friendship."

    I wish that I had written something as lovely as Stephanie did years ago and maybe I would be living that dream as a reality. But, you know what, I have all of the above and I am still happy… (-; So, please lighten up on Stephanie and her happy dream that became reality. She likes nice things, so what! She also values family to the max and that is what is most important in life.

  34. I know exactly how you feel. I am 29 years old and I have everything I have ever wanted: the career, the condo in the city (Chicago) and the love of my life, who I will marry in June. I had a very difficult and unhappy childhood and I worked so hard to get where I am. But now that I am here, I can't help but be just a little bit wary of what is to come next. I don't obsess over it, but every once in a while, I wonder when the other shoe will drop.

  35. I think that it really, really, is how you think and envision. If you can't imagine and embrace something you want then how can you have it? I say let us all be more specific in our desires!!!

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