FRIEND: So how’s motherhood treating you?
STEPHANIE: Hiya friend. So I’m sitting in our living room, drinking some wine, watching the kids cry in their bouncy seats. Phil and I are getting blood drawn tomorrow for life insurance. They send someone to your house to collect urine, blood pressure, and yeah, blood. So I haven’t eaten much today, but then I remember there’s some leftover pizza in the fridge. So, duh, I dart for it, heat it up quick, then proceed to eat a square. "What are you doing?!" Uh, eating. "Cheese? You’re actually eating a glob of cheese the night before your cholesterol test?" Does he actually want me to answer? Uh, yeah. "Stephanie!" What?! "Don’t eat that! It’s going to skew your results and it will cost us an extra few hundred dollars a year." Abigail, I say, I now know where you get it. You’re my little nut job, just like your control freak father. THAT, dear friend, is how motherhood is.
*And if someone even goes there, to that cloying place of "you’re drinking wine and neglecting your children," I suggest you go eat a crayon.