all I want to do is stop

I don’t write on this blog as often as you’d think.  Admittedly my focus has shifted to the twins, so I don’t have the time to post as regularly.  On the chance that they’re sleeping or being watched after by a family member, I sneak away and cull posts from my past journal entries, or I’ll write quickly and stagger the posts.  So in the future, when you see posts about shopping or fights I’ve been having, or friends I’d like to make, or those I’ve let go, try to remember that chances are these things have been written once upon a free time ago.  I don’t serve them up as they’re happening.  I just can’t. 

Right now I can.  Right now Abigail is asleep in her swing and Lucas is sleeping in his bassinet.  His lips move when he sleeps, like he’s dreaming about eating.  Which brings me to breastfeeding.  I hate it.  It’s hard.  It’s not just the latching on, which is what I thought before I knew anything about breastfeeding.  I heard mothers complain about the latch.  That it hurt.  That some babies wouldn’t take the breast.  It’s not that.  It’s that they just aren’t mature eaters yet.  They snack from me.  Each time, I resolve that they’ll each feed for 40 minutes, then I will take them off no matter what.  Usually they fall asleep within the first fifteen minutes.  I tickle them, play with their feet, rub their sweet fragrant heads, and all they do is snack, but dare I set them down, back into their bassinet, a rip of a scream sacks me.  "Okay, okay."  I pick them up, anything to hush their cries.  Maybe they’re still hungry?  Maybe I’m not making enough milk?  Maybe they’re just being babies and I should let them cry for a bit?  They breastfeed for over an hour.  This isn’t the way it should be.

The hardest thing is opinion.  Everyone has one.  Because I’m committed to breastfeeding them, even though I can’t stand it, I brought in a lactation consultant who weighed them first, before breastfeeding, and again afterwards to see how much they were getting.  She determined that they just aren’t mature eaters yet.  To practice breastfeeding, but mostly she said, I should pump.  Pumping sucks the big fat hairy moose cock.  You know what else sucks?  Breastfeeding for 40 minutes then doing it again and again and again and again every time they wake up hungry, in less than two hours.  With a bottle, they sleep for four hours between feedings.  With the breast, they’re up all the time. 

The other opinion comes from their doctor who tells me to just breastfeed them, forget the pumping, and if they cry because they’re hungry, well let ’em cry.  "They won’t starve.  They’re healthy at this point, and it won’t hurt them if they lose weight."  Sounds fine, but in practice, hearing the wailing cries from Abigail, I can’t just let her sit there hungry.  I also can’t continue to do as I’ve done in the past three months, be attached to a pump.  But for them, I’m not giving up.  I want to give up, but I won’t.  Not yet.  And if I did, I’d have to deal with feeling like a complete failure.

"No, but you shouldn’t.  That’s postpartum depression talking.  You’re not a failure if you can’t breastfeed anymore.  You’ve done it for the first three months of their lives.  They’ve gotten all the good stuff by now."  It’s used to make me feel better, but it’s not about me right now.  Shocking, I know, to hear such a thing from me, but it’s true.  It’s about them, their health, their happiness. 

I’d like to say I’m going to try just breastfeeding, without all the pumping, but I can’t.  I have to continue to pump so when their sucks become more mature, there will indeed be enough milk for them.  It’s actually a mess when I try to feed them both at the same time.  One loses his latch, the other screams when she can’t feel my nipple on the roof of her mouth.  But I like them on there together, working for it, seeing each other, our family. I wonder, truly, why I won’t stop now.  Their doctor says he sees no difference between breastfed and bottle-fed babies.  But, I am still sticking to it, for their sake, even though all I want to do is stop. 



  1. Stephanie
    Hang in there. It is so hard to nurse a baby, no matter what anyone says. But I agree with you that it is for them. I have always considered nursing my 2 children for 2 years to be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest gift to them thus far. It makes me proud to know that I, being as self centered as I have been in my life, stuck it out in the beginning when it felt impossible. My first was a bad sucker and I had to pump after every feeding too. I can remember sitting in my livingroom in the dark at 4 am with a pump attached sobbing and feeling so alone. It would have been so very easy to just give up but I persevered and that time is a distant memory( he's almost 7),and honestly a fond one. It saddens me now that I am done having children that I will never again nurse a baby and feel that unique bond, it is magical. So as hard and as tired as you are just remember that these times are fleeting and it is all for them right now. Everything is for them!
    Best wishes

  2. I can relate to this. I had only one child, nearly 5 years ago, and breastfeeding has always stressed me. I did it, because they always say it`s the best for a little one, but I did`nt really like it. I can`t exactly say why, it does work, I had enough milk, no problems so far. But it was impossible to say to my husband please, I`m tired and he`s hungry, go and feed him; no whenever he wss hungry it was on me. Every 3 hours, for more than 3 months. Then I had to stop breastfeeding because I`ve lost too much weight. And yes, I felt like a failure, but if I`m honest: a part of me felt happy to have an excuse to stop it. And now that I`m pregnant again, I hope I will be more relaxed in this issue. I`ll try it in the beginning, but if it does`nt work in any way, there will be formula. The baby`s health is the most important thing, but your own health is important too. And if I´m not healthy and happy, how could I be a good mom?

  3. Mine was a humongous 9lb 15oz baby but would not latch on. The hospital sent over a lactational consultant who deemed Sabrina's tongue too thick and short to latch on. I had to pump as to keep my milk flow going until she "grew into" her tongue. It was disheartening to hear that until that time I should not even attempt to breastfeed as not to associate the breast to a "unappealing" act. I lasted 3 months. Do what you can – stop when you want to. You are not being selfish. Breastfeeding is a way to bond with your beautiful babies – but not the only way.

  4. I am an "Uberboober," but I believe that the health benefits are overhyped, and that the mother's happiness is paramount to the health of the child(ren). Every day you have breastfed was a great achievement considering what you have been through. But choosing to spend less time pumping and loathing feedings and more time enjoying this fleeting time is just as strong as a decision. It's not about giving up, it's about moving on.

  5. not to sound like someone's old grandmother, but what would be the harm in bottle feeding them? most of us were bottlefed and we certainly thrived. i know, i know, the aap recommends it. lord knows, 'cookie' magazine does too. and i would certainly understand why you would persist if they were premature and you feel strongly that it will help their health. but an unhappy, exhausted mom is easily as detrimental to their health and well-being as bottle feeding.
    anyway, someone mentioned the pump station in l-a – they have a great group that came out of there called 'the booby brigade'. i was in the online group even though there was a lot of l-a specific stuff and i was in nyc. it is a great resource and provides a lot of moral support to other breast feeding moms. if you post a question you are bound to get 10 people emailing advice within the day. and it's nice to hear from other moms going through the same trials that you are going through, rather than a lactation specialist who might be at a bit of a remove from the whole thing. good luck!

  6. Repeat after me, "I am not a failure! I am not a failure! I am not a failure!" Seriously, Stephanie, in the coming years there will be so many issues, so many ways to be a good parent, so many ways to nurture & nourish your children that breastfeeding will pale in comparison. If it works for you, wonderful. If it doesn't, neither you nor Abigail, nor Lucas will will be the worse for it. And Phil will probably be grateful to have a more relaxed, happier wife.

  7. My son was born on 2/7, and I supplement with formula because he's a voracious eater who was not getting enough milk from me. I'm also not crazy about breastfeeding, but am doing it because it's best for the baby. I don't feel the bond really, and I think it's a big hassle. Everytime I pump I get between 1 and 3 ounces from my breasts. My kid eats 8 to 10 times a day, and he gets cranky because the milk doesn't come out as fast as he would like. There was no way I was going to produce the milk that he needed when he needed it. Don't feel guilty if you need to pump and store the milk. You shouldn't have to be up all hours of the day and night feeding the twins directly from the breast if all they are going to do is snack on you. Besides, pumping will allow your husband to feed them too. Don't believe the lactation mafia that makes new mothers feel guilty about giving babies breastmilk from a bottle and not the breast. The milk is the same if it comes from the bottle, and maybe doing it this way you can get more rest!

  8. Have you researched breastfeeding support message boards? and are really great places for information and support.

    DS was a big boy who would only eat for about 5 mins. at a time and it didn't bother me. I just let him eat for how long and whenever he wanted; this followed the demand=supply theory. Pumping stinks and it isn't a really good indicator of how much the baby is getting. If you're not relaxed with the pump, you won't get as much milk.

    Latch does hurt, but once you get over the initial needle prick feeling, it feels a lot better.

    This is just all my experience. I only had one and he was a big boy, so he's eating habits are different than 2 little ones. You need to try different things and see if it works for you.

    Also, for the lactation consultant, you may want to hunt around for another one. They have very different styles and opinions. I've heard stories about LCs who hinder a nursing relationship.

    You are doing a wonderful job! Good luck and keep up the hard work!

  9. Yes, more advice!! I'll keep this short because I know your a busy mommy right now! My problem with my son was that he was constantly on my boob. If I took him off he cried. So I thought it was because he wasnt full yet and wanted more. So I would put him back on. On and off all freaken day! It was horrible to say the least. So when I went in for his and my 6 week check up……the doctor was watching me breast feed. Low and behold my son wasnt hungry………he was using me for a Pacifier!! haha! Wouldnt you know I went straight from the office to a drugstore to pick up some Binkys!!! Worked like a charm!!

  10. breastmilk builds up your little ones immune system, and there have been studies showing how it reduces the incident of allergies and asthma in kids. Its worth the effort and time on the long run…You are giving them the best possible start in life!! You should be proud of yourself!!

  11. I feel your pain sister. I tried like HELL to nurse my oldest. I called a lactation consultant, pumped day and night, tried every nursing aid known to man and I completely and utterly failed…or so I thought. The guilt was RELENTLESS!!! I still feel it to this day. I ended up formula feeding and pumping for four friggin' months 2x a day and only getting a total of 6-8 ounces each time. I cried everyday for months thinking that should I have lived even 150 years ago, my baby would have died. Or hopefully, I would have had the luxury of a wet-nurse :) I felt like a failure. Truly believing my baby would be small, stupid, and have 'not breastfed exclusively' for the world to see and make us feel 'less than' Three years later, I was pregnant with twins. Great… I told myself I wouldn't stress out about nursing. Then we found out that my boy twin was going to be born w/ a rather serious birth defect. A complete bilateral cleft-lip palate. Put breastfeeding right out the window. Having a 3 yr old and getting the treatment for him in NYC every week didn't afford me much opportunity to really try either. Know what? I STILL felt guilty… there I said it. I formula fed… exclusively. I so wish I could have been successful, but ya' know what??? I bonded as much as a nursing mother with my babies. I love them to no end and they love me. They are healthy, smart, and ginormous!!! Re: their general health, their pediatrician has said numerous times they seem to have fabulous immune systems since they aren't sick much. That's even with a kindergartner bringing creepy-school-germs home. There isn't a person alive on this planet that can look at a 30 year old person and tell whether they have been nursed or bottle fed. I'm not a fanatic either way. It's about feeding your baby the best way you can. No matter what that is. Basically what I'm trying to say is that breastfeeding is a wonderful, enriching, fulfilling, natural, mother-earth experience and if you can do it… go for it!!! Personally, I know a mom of twins who nursed for a year and another mom of twins, both born w/ clefts, who pumped (EXCLUSIVELY) for 14 months. It shouldn't be about who is a better mother based on the way we feed them. I have no problem helping a new mother nurse, nor do I feel the need to be 'grossed out' because I wasn't successful. I envy successful nursing moms. And those nursing moms are just as supportive of me. It comes down to the fact that motherhood is freakin' H.A.R.D. no matter what. As women, we need to support each other in our choices. How we feed our baby that first year is no indication of the immense amount of love, pain, attachment… and everything else… that comes with motherhood. That said, have you asked your doc about supplements/medication you can take to help your milk supply? I didn't know such things existed when I tried to nurse my first. I definitely would have tried it had I known. Keep at it momma, I wish I could have done it. I'll always feel a pang and I don't know why. I would certainly take issue with anyone who says I'm less of a mother or I'm selfish or I don't love my kids. I was just a milkless wonder who is grateful to live in a time where we have options to keep our children healthy and robust.

  12. You're a hero for breastfeeding this long.

    I could only do it for a month, because I had such severe post partum depression that I would have seriously cracked without medication (that didn't mix with nursing). I tried valiently to get by without help…but all of that pumping and dumping just kept my hormones screwed up, and made me seriously ill. Like commit yourself ill.

    It was difficult enough once I stopped breastfeeding to get better. And I don't regret what I did. Stop doing it when you feel it is best…don't let breastfeeding bullies push you longer than you can.

    All the best to you! The Domain opens next week…finally a Barney's Co-op for Stephanie in Austin!

  13. I give you TONS of credit stephanie. I was in the same situation and I just couldn't face the pump anymore. It's so cold and mechanical and I just rather spend the time bottle feed and interact with my baby (who's due date a date off from your twins). So I just breastfeed and then bottle feed. Couldn't face the pump anymore. He'll turn 4 weeks old tomorrow.

  14. Breastfeeding is one the toughest aspects of new motherhood. My baby girl refused to latch onto my somewhat flat nipples so I pumped exclusively for 6 months. It sucked (pardon the pun) but I am glad I was able to give her a good start.
    In the end, I think that a happy mother makes for happy children, so you need to find a compromise between what's good for you as well as good for your children.
    They are beautiful, by the way.

  15. You are doing an amazing job and don't ever doubt that. I am now nursing my second baby boy and he is a totally different nurser from my first. My first was constantly nursing and would nurse about 45 minutes every time and maybe I'd get 30 minutes before I'd have to nurse again-and this went on until he was 6 months old. I HATED pumping, too, and only did it in case I needed to leave him. I never got a lot from my pump, either. My boy was still very big and fat 90% height and weight and I nursed for 18 months. My baby now is even bigger than my first, only nurses for a few minutes at a time, and easily can go 3-4 hours without nursing. I do believe this one is a more efficient nurser than my first but I also think I was a pacifier to my first. All this to say that all babies nurse differently and just because they don't eat for very long at a time doesn't mean they're not getting enough-maybe they are snackers and maybe you are a bit of a pacifier for them, which is totally fine. At this point, they are still so young that I would nurse them whenever they wanted and they'll continue to get the hang of it. I know its incredibly frustrating and exhausting. It took me a long time to enjoy nursing my first because it was so time consuming but I would never change a thing and I love every second of nursing my current baby. I also recommend the and sites. They are such wonderful, invaluable resources. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. You won't regret it!

  16. Why is it always formula feeders v. breastfeeders?

    Joe's already 10 weeks old – 75% for weight and 90% for height. VERY healthy…What is most important is that he and I are happy…and we're at our happiest when breastfeeding and formula feeding…not attached to a pump. Formula is not acid – let your babies be happy!

  17. Stop breastfeeding. I quit at around that point with my twins and they are JUST FINE. I found I resented BF'ing and faced the same experiences you are. The 40 min. feed. Except I could never do both at the same time so it was the NEVERENDING FEEDING! Completely exhausting.

    If I could go back and do one thing differently with my kids it would have been to bottle feed from day 1!

  18. I agree with others … ignore the subtle pressure disguised as encouragement by the breast-feeding mafia. A happy mommy means happy babies. You don't sound happy. My son wasn't breast-fed and he's a healthy, happy 10-year-old.

  19. I admire your resolve Stephanie. And as I'm sure you've heard dozens of times, it's a choice each mother must make.

    So rather than give you advice or an opinion, I'll just tell you how I feel right now, reading your post.

    I regret that I didn't try harder at it the first time. I regret that I didn't bother to try with the next two babies I had. I sit here, and think wistfully of an experience with my children I misssed out on. Not just nutritionally for them, but the bonding that happens while breastfeeding. Yes, I bonded with my babies, and I know they love me and I love them. It's just an experience in motherhood I opted out of, and wish I'd given it more of a chance now.

    Hang in there, I think you're wonderful!


  20. I felt so bullied by the lactation specialist to continue breastfeeding ( as my child was a preemie)when it was not working. I relate to what you are saying so much. The feedings all seemed to run together and my boobs were in agony. I switched to a really great formula and my preemie thrived! He actually did better than on the breast milk. I think it actually worked out better for all of us, as I was a little more rested(every extra second of sleep counts)with bottle feedings and his Father and I so bonded with him taking turns feeding him with a bottle. So don't let anyone make you feel guilty if you want to switch. You are doing a fabulous job!!!!!

  21. I breast fed my 1st for exactly 6 months and hated every single feeding. I dreaded him even waking up. I resented my OWN child because I was listening to the "experts". I should also mention this kid was allergic to EVERYTHING. When my 2nd was born I bottle fed from the begining and was a much more relaxed happier mommy even with a 3 year old running around. Both grew up to be smart, healthy, handsome, sweet, and happy men. Breast feed, don't breast feed, do what is best for YOU and YOUR children, and to H*LL with the "experts"

  22. all i can say is what my Dr told me. the best way for them to learn to breastfeed is to breastfeed. have them on there all the time if thats what it takes. it wont last forever.

    i would do that and give up the pump. i know you are worried about having enough for later but keeping them on there instead of pumping will take care of that.

    try to enjoy the bonding time…it really is over so fast…. as much of a pain that it is, you will miss it… you're givng them something no one else can…if that doesnt make you feel special…

  23. ignore the breastfeeding mafia. just like I have to ignore the natural birth mafia. I am just working through feeling ok about choosing to have a c section with my 6 week old son. mommies love to judge. imagine how much more you could enjoy the munchkins if you were so much more rested. I just wrote about all of this on my blog. it's always the people that had no trouble breastfeeding who say you should do it.

  24. I'm not a mother and not even close to being one so I wouldn't even DREAM of responding with anything to do with feeding children as I am utterly unqualified to have such a conversation. I post only to thank you for continuing to keep us in the loop of your life be it past or present form. With all that you have going on I think I speak for everyone when I say that it is much appreciated. Best of luck to you with the nursing situation. All I can say is that whatever you decide, be it to keep nursing or go to the bottles, your decision will be the right one.

  25. The pump sucks ass.

    I don't know how you EP people do it, truly. All of my mom friends are so excited for our babies to turn one year- not because it means we give up breastfeeding, but almost everyone will give up pumping.

    Do what is right for your family when the time is right.

  26. Hands up who hates pumping? *ME* Hands up who tried to breastfeed twins? *ME* Hands up who was tired, emotional, and sore from feeding them every 2 hours to the minute? *ME*

    I soooo know where you are at, at this moment Stephanie, your heart is saying keep going, but your body is saying other things. I am not one to give people advice, so all I am going to say is, You are doing an amazing job! You are doing all that you can, when you can, how you can for your children. They will grow, be nourished, be loved, laugh, smile, gurgle and continue to be healthy whether you breastfeed them or bottle feed them…. Your bond with your babies comes from face to face contact and touching…not breastfeeding!

    Enjoy your bubbies, they grow too quickly.

    Janet – Mum to twin girls 13 and another girl 8

  27. another thing: have you thought about buying milk? i know there is donor milk but im pretty sure you can buy it as well, though it is expensive. it's also a good question to ask yourself: if you can buy it, will that relieve you of your concerns about their health? because if not it may suggest you are more attached to the idea of breastfeeding – that you should be doing it – than the actual goal of breastfeeding which is to provide them with breastmilk etc.

  28. Neither of my kids would nurse for 40 minutes!! 10 minutes tops. But my son loved to hang on the breast for hours on end. If I took him off the breast to nap, he'd sleep about 30 minutes. If I let him keep it in his mouth, he'd sleep for 3 hours. Which do you think I chose?? Being a pacifier wasn't always fun, but I also knew it would be short lived. They change so fast… just when you think you have them all figured out they mature to the next stage. Hang in there, drop the mommy guilt, and know that 7 yrs from now you'll be lamenting that you can't get them to sit still by you for 10 minutes… let alone 40!

  29. Well, I don't really know about breastfeeding as i am not a mother. but…
    I have this example here:

    My dad was breastfed for ages (long after the normal- probably found a pacifier he liked there) by my grandmother.

    My mom couldn't breastfeed almost at all, because she had very low weight and also, breastfeeding only made me lose weight instead of gaining.

    Fast forward to now. Both me and my dad have been very healthy people, with, judging from how infrequently we get ill (even small colds), good immune systems. As far as allergies go, my dad has one to a specific medicine, and I have none. One of the most usual compliment we both get is about being intelligent people.

    Oh and as far as bonding goes, i don't think breastfeeding when i couldn't even remember, make the bond i already have with my mom any stronger! Or hers with me!

    i don't know what the arguments are for and against breastfeeding, but, logic tells me that in the Western world, with all the options readily available, we have the choice to make the best possible combination of formula and breast milk, to suit both the mother and the children.

    Being able to feed your children, however you want, is a privilege after all. why not enjoy it by making the best decision for all three of you? As one commenter said above, it's not "giving up", it's moving on.

    Not stopping something you don't like just because you don't want to "give up" is never a wise choice anyway. It only makes you unhappy. (think jobs, carreers, relationships, university degrees- the principle is always the same)

  30. the friendly breastfeeding mafia is here…

    I nursed my three for over a year each (each subsequent baby got a longer turn it seems). It remains one of my proudest accomplishments. With each of them my nipples bled, cracked, and bled more for months….it hurt like HELL. I hated it each time for well over those first 3 months. And then something changed as they got a little older. I did like you're doing…sticking it just because. It does get better. If I had formula in the house it would have given a bottle but since I didn't I was able to continue nursing.

    So who says you need to keep each child on you for 40 minutes? That is CRAZY. The kid doesn't wear a freaking stopwatch.

    Breastfeeding is NATURAL. It works how it's supposed to work. You can't schedule it. If they are only nursing 15 minutes at a time, whether it's more frequent or not, it's what their bodies need.

    I'm honestly shocked your "lactation consultant" told you to pump. pumping throws off everything natural. I mean, if you're going to nurse one and feed the bottle the other then you should do the pumping…but any extra? No. Noooooo.

    Are these babies content? Are they peeping and pooping enough? Are they generally happy? Chances are that they are getting WHAT THEY NEED at this time whether they are nursing for 15 minutes at a time or 40.

  31. I wish I had better advice, but I will just come out and say it- it sounds like you AND the babies would do better on the bottle. Babies sense your stress, you know your husband senses your stress, and feeding should be a relazing and enjoyable time for all. I know you have it in your head that you would be a failure if you gave up, but some women just aren't built for breastfeeding. I wasen't, though I gave it a shot both times around. When I stopped, I felt like I reclaimed my body, relaxed, and enjoyed my kids more. Htat was just my case, but your post sounds exactly the way I would feel with breastfeeding. Cheers to those that can do it, but it does not make us bottle moms any less nurturing. :)

  32. one other thought..

    have you tried nursing both at the same time? I have a friend who had twins and nursed both of them at the same time. She propped pillows and such. I wonder what the outcome would be.

  33. You've never said what time frames you had in mind for breastfeeding…6 months, a year, till they start preschool? You also haven't said WHY you are so adamantly trying to breastfeed. The babies health? Bonding time? Economics? Ehh…Stephanie, do what feels right…not what everyone gives advice about. Some of the parenting stuff just comes down to what feels right. I had to go back to work at 8 weeks with my last child, I had breast fed the first two until they had some teeth *my personal timeframe on breastfeeding, if they bite, it's over*. Anyway, I felt SO guilty with the third one, but what I found worked for me, was to breast feed first thing in the morning, and last thing at night when putting them to bed…during the day it was bottles with the babysitter. I'm just saying. Don't stress it, figure out what's comfortable for you, and voila! the babies will be happy too.

  34. I'm sorry… that does suck. Good for you for hanging in there, although the babies would be just fine if you did decide to stop. Because something is telling you not to, I think it's good to trust your instincts. You'll know when it's OK to quit.

    I don't care for your doctor's advice to let them cry if they're hungry. It doesn't make any sense. It's not like other situations when you let them cry in order to get them to learn to satisfy themselves. If they're crying because they're hungry, that's not something they can fix themselves and your only "fix" is to feed them eventually, right? That just seems like weird advice.

  35. Oh boy, I cannot even imagine the comments you're going to get on this one so I'm not even sharing an opinion. You've made up your mind. Don't listen to what everyone has to say.

    Good luck! : )

  36. I almost never comment on this topic because I truly do not understand it. My daughter was bottlefed from day 1 (it was the only option). She weighed 5lbs when we brought her home and she thrived. My friends with babies her age were amazed at how infrequently we went to the doctors.. mostly just for well visits. She was a happy, healthy infant who has become an amazingly healthy, happy, sharp and funny 5 year old.
    Would things have been different if she had not been bottle fed…I highly doubt it. Was it on your blog that I read that a pediatrician can not tell the diff between bottle fed and breast fed? Moms just have to do what is best both for them and the babies.. that is it.. no discussion. And certainly is is no reason to judge someone, honestly, who cares how you choose to feed your babies?

  37. My 2nd son was a snacker and yes IT SUCKS!!! I always felt like a human milk machine..if he wasn't snacking I was pumping….We lasted 8 months (9 if you count the fridge supply)….I didn't beat myself up though…My kid…My choice…He's 3 now..he's healthy…happy..and wears me out!!!!

  38. It IS really hard! If you have the will to go on, more power to you. If you are ready to give up on something that isn't working, then for goodness sake don't feel like a failure (and you already know all the reasons why). Everything will be just fine, either way you go.

  39. I just wanted to say good luck. Breastfeeding is damn hard. For myself it got better with practice. Whenever you decide to stop breastfeeding it will be the right time for you and your family.



  41. First of all, you're not a failure, NO MATTER WHAT!! Second of all, being a mother is HARD. No one can ever tell you how hard it is until you are actually living it. It's a 24/7 job, and it's exhausting, especially when they're babies; and you have two. I was one of the lucky ones who did not have a hard time w/ breastfeeding in terms of pain, latching on, etc, but I was nursing all the time w/ all three of my kids. Either they were always hungry or I was their pacifier. All I do know is that as soon as I was done feeding them, maybe an hr would go by, at the most, and it was time for another feeding. That lasted the first several months – I guess until they started eating solids. They also woke up ALL NIGHT LONG to eat. I was incredibly sleep deprived, but unlike your dr, my ped said that breast fed babies were more hungry and I shouldn't let them cry until they were about 8 mos old. Needless to say, I didn't, and 8 mos turned into a yr for all of them. So, they all had major sleep issues by then.

    Even though I didn't have pain or problems w/ breastfeeding, I felt like I barely had any time for myself. Still, I kept at it, and once they were eating more and more solids and the feedings decreased, it got easier. I never had to take bottles w/ me when I went out; the milk was always ready, etc. As hard as it was at first, I grew to love it, and I lasted a yr w/ my first, 13 mos w/ my 2nd, and 14 mos w/ my 3rd. By then, I was almost sad to stop (we were down to one early morning feeding) b/c I knew she was my last baby, and I'd never have the experience again. As far as their health, none of them have ever had any ear infections, 2 are prone to sinus infections, and one has a mild case of asthma. My ped said that if I hadn't nursed him, he'd probably have a terrible case of asthma. Who knows? Of course, they're all very bright :o)…

    You said it's all about them and not about you right now. However, that's not true. There are many studies that state that women who breast feed are much less likely to get breast cancer, ovarian cancer, etc, so while you're doing a good thing for your babies, you're doing a good thing for yourself, as well. That said, you've been at it for a few months now, and you and the babies have received the benefits of breast feeding already. I admire you for wanting to keep at it, but if you're that unhappy, just give yourself credit for how long you've lasted, ask your ped what the best formula is for your babies, and start to wean them. If you're happier, they will be too.

    One more thing…thanks for taking the time to post through all this. I'm sure all your readers sincerely appreciate that you're continuing to keep us entertained, informed, etc when you're as busy as you are. Did you ever find a nanny?

    Whatever you choose to do re feeding the beans, follow your heart and do what feels best for YOU. Good luck.

  42. Breastfeeding is hard. Breastfeeding twins is monumentally hard. Pumping AND breastfeeding is tedious and hard. Getting preemies to eat is also really, really hard.

    Ten years ago, I had a preemie (just one, not two like you!) and was in the same boat. I desperately wanted to give up (same story, snacking), but eventually he got it, I stuck with it and could happily return the damn pump!

    However, if you wanted to move on, as another poster put it, the babies will be just fine and in many ways you will be happier.

    I hate, hate, hate when moms judge one another about this. You have to do what is right for you. F**k everyone else and their opinion.

  43. I felt the same way with all three of mine, but I kept it up and I am happy that I did. All three were breastfed for an average of 12 months each. The first one wouldn't take a bottle at all, so I felt captive for 12 months. The 2nd and 3rd I introduced one bottle of formula a day and that was just a big help because I could have 2 or 3 hours on my own.

  44. Wow, Stephanie. A lot of what you write really drives me nuts (you & I are just very different people), but this entry shows a side of you that I must respect. Breastfeeding *is* hard — your description of all the problems at pitalls is perfect — and I am so very, very impressed that you've managed to nurse two preemies for three months. Honestly…I'm not sure I would have been able to do it, though I would have tried every bit as hard as you are. But I'm one of the lucky ones who is having an easy time of nursing my baby — she latched well from the very start, and I actually have an oversupply so I donate to the Mothers' Milk Bank.

    Hang in there. I believe you're doing the right thing. But, that being said, I don't think you should drive yourself crazy. If you switch to formula, you're not a bad mother. For heaven's sake, you've already moved mountains for these babies.

  45. I was dedicated to breastfeeding my daughter and did until she was over two years old. It was tough in the beginning and I realized, later, that I probably wasn't doing it right; I may have had a too-strong letdown issue. I know you have so many opinions already, but I think you need to do what is right for you. If you are feeling down, if you begin to resent your situation, then you should make a change. I'm always tempted to tell new mothers "it will get easier," because it will, but I'm not every mother. Each experience of motherhood is so obviously personal. The babies do come first in most ways, but when there are ways to make it better for you and keep them healthy and happy, then I'd encourage you to put yourself first.
    All the best.

  46. a mothers happiness reflects in the happiness of her children. I haven't seen any difference in breastfed versus bottle fed babies. If it's too hard just bottle feed them.

    When they are in prison years down the road then you can blame yourself for not breastfeeding longer.

  47. I am so impressed that you have gotten this far and with 2! You should be proud of that…and not so hard on yourself, you are not a failure whatsoever! I am having a hard time with my 3 week old, and reading these comments has made it a little easier to stick with it – he is my last baby and the thought that it does go by so damn fast scares me, i want to savor every moment with my little guy, even if it is painful and tiring, and exhausting, and monotnous, and did I say tiring? Hang in there!

  48. Ah, Stephanie, I'm so sorry they're having a hrd time gettimg the hang of things. Pumpimg does indeed suck the big hairy moose cock. You are doing fabulously doing what you've been doing for so long. And yes, everyone does have an opinion or advice on what to do, so I will spare you mine – just wanted to offer a "you rock!" because what you're doing is so so so hard, I know.

  49. Why can't moms do both (breast AND bottle) and not feel horrible about it, especially in the case of twins!? As a mom of two myself I came to realize early on that formula is NOT poison contrary to what a lot of women/lactation consultants/other mothers want us to believe. Do what YOU feel is right.


  50. Hi Stephanie, I'm with Manic Mom on this – the last thing you need is another opinion. And like her, I'm just here to lend my support.

    I nursed some of my babies longer than others – they're all perfectly healthy and incredible…we're all bonded…there are other ways to bond besides boob time.

    You may want to drink beer – it helps milk production, but most of all – it will make it suck less – and hopefully them suck more.

  51. I’m new to having a child. My sister moved on to a better place a 4 months ago and because my nephew has never meet his dad, he wanted to move in with me. It was not hard to say, yes. He is blood and I love the little guy. I am in search of everything I can locate on the internet about raising a child because I want to be the best uncle a kid can have so, thank you for the blog post and now I must move on to the next one.

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