I just had a camp dream with non-camp people. My boyfriends from home had names like Eric, Brian, and Joe. They’d write me letters saying they loved and missed me. Could I call them? When would I be back? I don’t think I’ve ever dated a Brian.
Phil was my camp boyfriend. In my dream, his sister was named Wendy, and she had blond hair and wore orange tennis shorts. Philip and I had some kind of fight. It’s unclear about what exactly, but then his sister began to physically attack me, while he watched. He just left the room and let her hit me. In real life Phil always defends me. This would never happen.
Time goes by. Days I think. And he hasn’t reached out to fix things. I know he’s in the wrong, but I miss him and want everything to go back to the way it had been, with him loving me again. Holding hands. Laughing. Kissing, his nervous hands around my waist. But how can I be the one to apologize? I’ve done nothing wrong. So I have to pretend that I’m happy and fine now, act like I don’t care. Because if I show him I’m hurt and ache for him, he’ll want me less. That’s what we’re told, and somewhere inside we know it’s right, but it still feels wrong. I emerge from my cabin, determined to find him, but to act as if I don’t see him. I just need him to see that I’m happy and fine without him. I need to act. This is what I hated most about dating: forcing myself to act exactly counter to how I really felt. Play it cool. I’m horrible at playing it cool. When Phil does it, he’s not playing. He has a valve and can turn his feelings off. In real life, even, his sister has said it to me. She fears that one day, he’ll just cut her out of his life if she does the wrong thing. He’s capable of it. This is what I dreamt.
There was a camp-wide apache relay going on. Since I was a senior counselor, I was able to move throughout campus without a designated post. I remember clapping for Ruthie as she spun with her head on the handle of a bat. “Dizzy Lizzy.” Then she had to run and pass the baton. I never found Phil, but I knew he didn’t want to see me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, certainly nothing to warrant his cutting me off completely.
Next thing I know, we’re no longer at camp. I’m in Phil’s sister’s apartment, his real sister, not the blond in tennis shorts. She acts, at first, as if she doesn’t know we’ve split apart. She’s warm to me, and I know she’ll always be warm to me, no matter what happens. We talk about her daughter and her health, and then she says she knows. I want to make her call him, convince him he’s making a mistake. And in real life I know this feeling. You’ve broken up, but you’re sure a phone call from your friend, or father, or one of their friends, or their mother, will convince them they’re making a mistake. You’re sure someone else can talk them into you. I feel desperate for him, and I hate who I’ve become: this crazed frantic woman who thinks she’ll stop living without him. But it’s who I am, and even in my head, I know it’s all wrong, but I can’t act my way into believing something else. They tell you “believing follows behavior.” It’s why when you force yourself to smile, you’ll eventually feel better. Your brain will say, “hey I’m smiling (behavior), so I must be happy (belief).” If I force myself through the motions, I will feel better, in time. And it all just sucks.
I tell her he’s cut me off, and she tells me she has warned me he can be like this. I think of grabbing her cell phone and calling him. He’d pick up if he saw it was her, especially now that he’s no longer swept up in a relationship. But it would be me. What would I say? “We have twins on the way. Don’t you love me anymore?” But in my dream, I realize he’ll still be their father. He knows this. He just doesn’t love me anymore, and it’s too late. He’s turned a switch and won’t go back to loving me.
I then wake up crying. Phil comes into the room, after I summon him there, and I ask him for a hug. “I’ve never seen anyone cry after a dream,” he said. And I sob, crying into him. I would hate to ever lose him.
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hi, Stephanie!
You look so radiant and beautiful, pregnant!
Just wanted to let you know that strange dreams are fairly common when pregnant…do not know what yours would mean; just know that in the bizarro world of REM, while "gestating" (how often do we get to use THAT word?!) … "things are not what they appear to be."
Have a great day in Chicago tomorrow & Happy (belated) Birthday!
You'll never lose him, sweetheart. He's there for the long haul. The longest haul. Till death do ya part.
I hope this isn't too personal, but you look great pregnant! And I can't believe just a few weeks ago you fit into that wedding dress. Props to you! It shows just how happy you are with life right now.
Can't wait for the book signing tomorrow! Any chance you're doing an after-drink or other similar jaunt?
This was beautiful and heartbreaking! Dreams can be very intense. Do you keep a dream journal?
You look radiant, by the way. Keep the pictures coming! We're still waiting for wedding photos…
Best,
Jocelyn
I think dreams like that are a way of working out issues. I've had dreams where I was forced to marry an abusive ex when I desperately wanted to be with my real-life husband. I've had several variations of this dream and each time I wake up crying. It makes for a bad nights sleep, but the feeling of relief you get when you wake up and realize it was just a dream is wonderful. I've since been seeing a great therapist and haven't had another one of those dreams.
You look so cute pregnant!
Here is a big ol' virtual hug…. (-;
Here is a big ol' virtual hug…. (-;
Here is a big ol' virtual hug…. (-;
I've had this dream. I have them quite often actually. I dream that we're on vacation, or anywhere really, and he ditches me for some other woman or sometimes his friends. He completely ignores me…pretends that I'm not his wife, that I'm not the (soon to be) mother of his children. I reach out to him and cry for him to love me again, to want me again. He doesn't want me, he wants to erase our life.
I have never woken up crying but I wake up with this empty, hollow feeling….until he reaches over and engulfs me in his arms. I feel safe again and more loved than ever.
I always cry after bad dreams, waking both myself and my significant other. He's never pleased, but he will attempt to comfort me until he falls asleep again. I have had really horrible nightmares for years, dreaming of being murdered, chased with knives, deaths of pets and/or loves ones…I don't know why, but I know that it sucks.
Here's to no more bad dreams, Stephanie.
The thought of losing the people you love is one of the most frightening in the world.
On the upside, you look adorable.
Wow! Intense dreaming lately. I say its because you've achieved much of what you wanted in life. Husband, babies (on the way), home. Your brain is still processing all this stuff that it has desired for sooooo long.
You look fantastic in your photo!
Ya know, I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking you can't live without someone. (Even if deep down, you know, in a crunch, you can.) It's what makes us women.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
First: Stephanie – you are looking gorgeous in your pregnancy! Gosh I love that beautiful rounded belly! How very excited you and Phil must be. Enjoy every moment with the belly because believe it or not, there will be a moment or two once the babies come that you miss miss it; miss feeling the squirming and kicking.
It is amazing how vivid your dreams can be when pregnant. I like you, have had scary ones where my husband had left me or I find often that I dream that I found my dad (he passed away 20 years ago when I was 13) and that he was lost this whole time. Throughout the dream, I would try in vain to establish a relationship with him but he never seemed interested. I would always wake up devastated and thankfully had my husband there to reassure me that it was just a dream. There is nothing quite like that feeling of being wrapped in your husband's arms to make the world feel right again.
Oh…bad dream. I can tell you, when I was pregnant with the darlings I had all kinds of scary dreams. I think it's hormonal, or maybe the underlying stress of bringing new people into the world. Spiders coming off the ceiling, weird political debates, and visions of ending up alone with the babies were all astonishingly real at 3 in the morning.
Now I don't sleep hardly at all – the mommy ears are always attuned to stirrings in the house.
Bottom line, don't give pregnant dreams legs. Blame it on the hormones. But thanks for the great read this morning with my cup of coffee.
Have a great day.
Aww, welcome to the next 4 months of crazy, scary dreams; pregnant lady. I believe it is where you will face all your hidden fears/hopes/expectations/etc. regarding the gups and all of a sudden doubling the size of your family. Just dreams Stephanie, just dreams.
You? Look absolutely gorgeous. Also? Aren't you glad your wedding wasnt two short weeks later, since how that tummy has positively popped?
There is nothing as beautiful as a pregnant lady.
Thanks for posting a photo, you look great, glowing and wonderful. Congratulations!
do you think the pregnancy/hormones make the dreams more vivid and emotional? after something like that i would be crying too. terrible….
I once slapped my husband after a dream. Phil will learn. Moving right along, what's an apache relay? It sound vaguely un-PC. Like color war. We had those in the 60's and 70's, but by the time my daughter hit camp, they were a thing of the past.
Beautiful picture! I know it sounds cliche, but you truly are glowing…
You look fantastic, your hair is SOOOOO LOOONG!! is it your horse pills?
You look so great, i think you are carrying boys.
good for you!
You look absolutely adorable!!
you look beautiful. tired. wonderful.
content. :)
First of all, I cannot believe you got married less than 3 weeks ago and you didn't even LOOK pregnant and now you are full out no-doubt-about-it in the family way! But, it agrees with you, you look great!
Anybody who reads your blog knows that you are struggling with the betrayal of your first husband and the anguish of being pregnant with a man who didn't love you and you couldn't trust. Even though this time around is completely different, you were affected so deeply that obviously these feelings still find a way to surface. Not sure about the blond sister component though – maybe just a someone close to him lashing out at you kind of like the mother-in-law from a few dreams back.
You are an excellent writer. I've always been interested in writing but I wouldn't do it unless I could be totally real like you and I'm afraid that would hurt too many people.
Stephanie, you look absolutely beautiful in this picture. I love how pregnant women hold their bellies like that.
I like how dreams have so many underlying meanings, and they are created from bits and pieces of your life. I guess that's why Freud was so fascinated with dreams.
Wow Stephanie. You look incredible! I am so happy for you. Don't sweat the dream, that will never happen.
You look great! I love baby bellies.
You are too cute in that picture.
You should have a painting done of yourself. I know most people never think of doing something like that, they're too humble, but your twins would really treasure it someday.
You look so fantastically gorgeously pregnant!
That picture is stunning. You look beautiful :)
I had craaaaazy dreams when I was pregnant. I can't believe I'm admitting this but I even had a dream where I was having sex with a dog.
And when I say dog, I dont mean a man, I mean the four legged furry kind.
Blech.
Love the picture!
You look awesome! I have had similar dreams that my husband was having an affair with someone else or was leaving me. He too comforted me when I woke up and started crying.
Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for posting the photo (you know we all love the photos!) You look so cute. I just finished your book and really loved it. How did you learn to write like that?! The book was hard to put down. Anyway, I loved reading about the young Stephanie. You were trying so hard in all your endeavours as a kid, and succeeding.
Last night I dreamt earth was being hit by a giant meteor,very scary. I woke up and we are still here!
Take care,
Jane
Wow Stephanie, your dreams are similar to what I experienced recently and blogged about. I was going to leave the link but got the message that it doesn't allow HTML on your blog, but if you want to check it out, I think you can get there here:
I've had the exact same feelings upon waking!
BTW, where are the WEDDING pictures!? Not only do I want to see you in your dress full length, but I'm dying to see photos of the food! : )
You look fabulous!!
The Pregnancy Dreams have begun :) With every one of my pregnancies I have had the strangest most emotional dreams. You wake up feeling drained.
Hope the next one is happier
You look amazing. And I had awful dreams as well when I was pregnant. Vivid, too. I think a lot of women do. Something about feeling your most vulnerable and it comes out in your dreams.
I also found my emotions were right on the surface when I was pregnant. The highs were incredible, but the lows were just ugh. And my temper was ferocious. Damn hormones.
Oh yes…. those crazy pregnant dreams. There's something about being PG that makes you feel a little more vulnerable – maybe for your baby, or for yourself, but I think it crosses over into your dreams.
But take heart – along with the scary ones, come the – ahem – very sexual ones!
And you look fabulous, by the way!
You look beautiful. I don't know if you remember but I'm the one who just had twins. I found a book that has been really helpful and thought you might like to know about it. My boys will be 3 months old on the 17 and they sure are keeping me busy.
ISBN is 0974699004 by Elizabeth Lyons A Guide to the first year with twins. Very helpful and believe me your gonna need help.
You look gorgeous! Simply gorgeous!
You look radiant and beautiful in that picture. A relative of mine has a theory that if a pregnant woman looks more beautiful than she did before pregnancy, she is carrying a girl or girls. If she looks less beautiful, then she is carrying a boy or boys. Perhaps you're carrying girls :)
Been there, lady. I had dreams where my son was born without a head and I was trying to figure out how to feed him. (Through his shoulder?)
P.S. Gorgeous pic.
it's funny, when you know someone is pregnant but you can't picture them that way until you see proof … you wear the belly well, stephanie! you look beautiful. oh, and your book just arrived in the mail this morning … i gave up trying to find it at my local bookstores (hoping that means that it was sold old!) and ordered it online instead. it will be my thanksgiving (i'm canadian) reading this weekend.
Getting married, buying a house, pregnant with twins; not surprising that this is what your subconsious comes up with! You look beautiful.
God, I have vivid dreams like that NOW, not being pregnant, so I can only imagine what it's going to be like for me when that day comes!
You look ADORABLE!
I hate dreams like that! It's so upsetting. I've been with my boyfriend for an extremely LONG TIME, and I would be devastated if something happened to him. I can only imagine what you might've felt when you woke up! It's all good, it sounds like you've got the world's best husband, so you have nothing to worry about!
On a happier note, you look SO CUTE! Absolutely radiant!
Have you decided on what you want to after the reading when you come to Chicago?
Have a fabulous day!
Judy :o)
I think you should name one of your twins after the University of Texas quarterback, Colt McCoy, and the second one after another famous Texas quarterback of recent years, Major Applewhite. Colt McCoy Klein and Major Applewhite Klein. Hook 'em, boyz (or grylz)! Momma, let your younglings grow up to be Horns!
Love the cute picture. You are one beautiful mama-to-be!
How in the world did you remember so much detail from your dream?!?!!! I wish I could remember that much about mine.
And where – please do tell – did you get that top? I want one :)
FROM STEPHANIE: I got the shirt at Veronique on Madison Avenue and 93rd street. They have a web site. The shirt is made by Chaiken.