maternitini time

"You could really use a glass of wine right about now," The Suitor said to me in our car.  I was cranky, and quite miserable actually, that none of my clothes fit.  "This is a good thing," he reminded me.  "Remember all those times you cried and would have begged to be pregnant and not fitting in your clothes?  Well?"  Well, at that time I didn’t realize that ELASTIC would get too tight!

Even my cargo pants with cute drawstring elastic waists are now too small.  Last night I hurled them to the top shelf of my closet, the part I cannot reach without a step-stool.  Usually the shelf is "thin storage," filled with items I’m convinced will fit soon.  Now they belong in boxes, in an attic or garage, nowhere near within my reach for possibility.

I always thought shopping for maternity clothes would be fun.  Of course, I thought this when I still lived in New York, where they sell Seven Jeans for their maternitini-drinking clientele at A Pea In The Pod.  I don’t have a problem with tops, thankfully, because really, they’re cutting them longer lately with empire waists anyway.  But pants.  Holy fuck, pants with sagging crotches, so big it looks as if they’re meant to accommodate an ass.  I don’t see the point in buying anything that fits now because I know I’ll outgrow it in a matter of weeks.  My doctor even said so at our last office visit as he measured my belly.  "Get ready to grow a lot, and fast."
"How fast?"
But I have a wedding dress to fit into!  My wedding is in eleven days.  How much will I grow in eleven days?  Please!  It can’t be all that much.  But now I know it can because even elastic hurts.  No one tells you that your back gets bigger (not your cup size).  I’m sorry, but your boobs are supposed to grow, not your back and your areolas.  And sorry, but what an ugly word: areola.  Worse still is the idea that they’ll spread to look like silver dollar pancakes.

My belly is as tight as a drum right now, but it’s low, as if I just ate a Thanksgiving meal, or four.  I can no longer button pants.  Jeans–I won’t even try.  And that’s fine.  I’m nearly 5 months pregnant.  They shouldn’t fit.  I get that.  But the problem really is, I refuse to walk around in his clothes (mostly because he’s perfectly content shopping at Old Navy and making tee-shirts with prints of photos he has taken, shit with sunflowers on them, that really shouldn’t be worn anywhere, except maybe around the house.  Maybe.)  And none of mine work anymore.

This means online shopping on sites that tout themselves stylish, insisting they cater to pregnant women who love clothes.  And they charge $80 for a tee shirt. $235 for maternity Serfontaine jeans (a brand I love and wore pre-pregnancy). But don’t ask me about sizing.  I need to be in a store, trying on these things.  I can’t just guess at my size.  “Well what was your pre-pregnancy size?”  Please, like there’s some simple answer for that?   I don’t know.  All I know is, I’m having twins, and nothing fits!

I will order some things from Gap Maternity, because really, it’s the Gap.  I can do that.  I cannot bring myself to shop for clothing at Target.  Target is for random home stuff, for a toaster or magazine rack.  I’m not wearing a target nursing bra.  Call me a snob.  I don’t give a shit.  I also don’t want to spend upwards of $235 on designer maternity jeans, especially since, well, it’s never cool enough for jeans here.  But my butt and I will be traveling soon.  To New York.  To Chicago.  To San Francisco.  And I’ll need clothes.  I’ve already unsuccessfully hit up Mimi Maternity, BabyStyle, Due, and just about every other store with the word Maternity or Motherhood in it.  I’ve stepped into boutiques, but again, their prices seem a bit outrageous, given that I can just as easily find a stretchy black skirt at Express for $20 instead of $90.  He’s right.  I could use a glass of wine with my whine.  Instead I’ll pour my grapefruit juice into a martini glass and scour these sites: Naissance on Melrose, Isabella Oliver,  and Belly Dance.  That, or I’ll read up on lactating feminists (I totally intend to be one of those women who whips it out in public).



  1. if you haven't been to the target maternity section, you owe it 10 minutes. find some random household item you need to buy (SO true, by the way) … and walk past their maternity clothes. they are adorable and cheap, and you can burn them when the bebes have come and not feel guilty.

  2. Stephanie,
    They've got Liz Lange Maternity now at Target. She used to be big time when I was pregnant 100 years ago (okay 12). Liz was what you bought if you had money back then. It's really not as bad as you think. Just get a few cheap things to wear around the house, and then hit Mimi and a Pea in the Pod for your "going out" stuff. Gap of course is the perfect standby if you need it. I'm a snob too, but if I could show you pictures of the crap I had to wear when I was pregnant in 1995 it would bring back your morning sickness.

  3. Oh, nursing bras are a waste of money, besides which they're perfectly horrible contraptions. You could instead find a lingerie store that does alterations, and have some of your regular bras converted to nursing bras. I did this, and found it to be a far more comfortable alternative. I breast-fed my daughter until she was about 18 months old, and it was really a wonderful experience. And a great way to burn calories!

  4. The Gap was great for maternity stuff – I practically lived in my maternity long & lean (isn't that funny that they're called that?) jeans. And I'm in Boston, so I did pick up a few things at a Pea in the Pod. However, I also did resort to Target in the end. There comes a point late in your pregnancy where nothing – and I mean NOTHING – fits. If you think nothing fits now, wait until you're 32+ weeks. I hit Target at that point for black long-sleeved t-shirts. Cheap, yes – in every sense of the word – but they fit, and that's what I cared about at that point.

  5. When you get out to San Francisco, check out Japanese Weekend at 500 Sutter. Very stylish, reasonably-ish priced. You can preview their stuff here:

    Oh — and has anyone told you that your feet may grow too?

  6. Japanese Weekend Maternity (pricy, but you can just get a few really important items) has a line for people carrying multiples. You can find them online.
    Also? Craislist and ebay.

    I never found a thing at Target, but Old Navy Maternity was great.

    Good luck!

  7. Disclaimer…I'm nearly 30 weeks and cranky. ;)

    Target maternity is CRAP, but overpriced BabyStyle is worse. They lure you in thinking you are buying something lovely and fashionable, and because its $80 it must be at least above average quality? Nope. Crap. Pants are too short for anyone over 5'6" and horrid fabrics. Tops are cheap, thin fabric.

    The worst part of being pregnant is not morning sickness, is finding something fashionable, that you can justify the expense for given the limited wear time (ie: I'm not going to buy a new pair of maternity sevens when I have perfectly good pairs for post-preg).

  8. One thing I learned was the early maternity clothes you WILL wear again.
    You'll wear them after the babies are out and you're hauling around this huge deflated balloon.
    So dont be too much of a snob about those clothes but you can bet your sweet ass you will wear them again. :)

  9. Umm…snob. Target clothes kick ass! Even for non-pregnancy finds. Their clothes are cute and trendy but yes, cheap, so that you can donate them the following month once you're over the look (or the size). Absolutely breast feed and whip 'em out wherever, whenever. Good for you! The weight thing just takes time. I actually gave away all my thin clothes, assuming I was done losing. But it does come off eventually, and nursing certainly helps with that. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are beautiful. Really.

  10. Stephanie: I at least envy you that you have choice in the States to buy maternity clothes.

    Try being 5'11 1/2" with a 36" inseam … this fall/winter is looking dismal for me. There is NOWHERE that I can find that sells either pants or hoisery in that length. Just the other night I was whining to my husband that I will be wearing his sweatpants to work everyday looking like a beauty queen.

    I do hope though that you can make it through the next few days without expanding too much for that gorgeous wedding dress of yours ….

  11. As someone who is currently 25 weeks pregnant, I know where you are coming from. I swore by my Belly Band which will allow you to wear your pre-pregnancy pants longer, just unzipped. Then when you don't quite fit into maternity pants (it happens, trust me) it helps hold them up. Plus they are super comfy.

    I also agree with the previous posters about Old Navy Maternity and Gap Maternity. Very comfy and inexpensive, which is all you care about when you are pregnant.

    Good luck finding things that fit!

  12. I remember shopping for dresses to wear to business dinners. I ended up so disgusted with the quality of maternity clothes that (with the exception of jeans) I made my own. Find a fabric store, sit with a pattern book, and get exactly what you want. I'm sure you'll be able to find a seamstress somewhere that can whip stuff up for you without breaking the bank.

  13. I'm giggling a bit that you turn your nose up at Target at only five months pregnant. I too, did the same but whoever commented that your tune will change when you get to about eight and a half months really hit the nail on the head. If you still care about whether or not your clothes come from Target when you hit that point, I really will think you a snob. Late in your last trimester, you will cease to care. You will prefer to be naked or wrapped in a sheet and anything huge and cheap will do. If you are still worried about where your clothes come from you have a long way to go and a lot more hell to bear.

  14. Ummm, please don't whip it out in public. I know, I know, it's natural. Well, so is urinating. And if you think your breasts are ugly now, I will too. Please, don't. Take the modesty road on this one.

  15. I was a bridesmaid when I was 8 months pregnant. The bride requested that we wear pastels, but left the styles to us (this was before the the current bridezilla trend). Mine was pale yellow with a lace collar. I looked like a matzo ball rolling down the aisle, on the arm of the cutest groomsman, no less. Good times. Fat times.

  16. Leanora, I don't intend to squirt you with milk or flash you my pancakes, okay? I just don't plan on nursing in a public bathroom (where I flush with my shoe and refuse to touch anything as is). I can drape a blanket over the mothering and milking moments, but I don't intend to fret over feeding time. Yes, I've heard the whole "it's natural" argument. I've also heard, "well so is taking a shit, but I don't need to watch you do it." Grow the fuck up. Breasts are meant to be milked; it's what they were designed for. I'll be milking two at once, which might be tricky in public. Hopefully I'll find a post partum doula here in Austin to help me with such tasks.

  17. Go to
    They have all sorts of info on pregnancy, lists of clothing stores. The latest info on celebrity kids and their parents. They also have info on what's hip and instyle for babies and mom too! I think you'll like it.

  18. Be careful with those milkers.

    My SO got shot in the face with a little sweet teet milk when we had sex shortly after the baby was born.

    The look on his face was completely priceless.

  19. The problem is that our culture sexualizes the female breast so much that to see a mother nursing in public is to see something almost "pornographic." Sad that someone would equate this act with urinating or taking a shit. Ridiculous. I am a firm believer in modestly for the respect of yourself and the peace and respect of your child, but nurse away, baby. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR!

  20. I have nipples Focker, can you milk me?!

    Ha! Sorry, its what came to mind. Why can't people mind their own business? I dont go around telling people that their shoes don't match their outfit, that their child is giving me a fucking headache, or that they probably shouldnt eat that donut…so why do people feel inclined to voice their opinions on when and where other's should feed their children? What-evaa

    Anyway, I don't have any input on the maternity clothing. I do know, however, that it's one of the biggest complaints I've heard from expecting mothers. Either way, I'm sure that you are just the prettiest pregnant thang' in all of Texas. ;)

  21. I AM TOTALLY WITH YOU on the Target thing. Every time I go there, I want to buy their clothes. I want to like them, really I do, but then I get them in the fitting room and they fit horribly. And I can't get over how cheaply they're made. Also, let me just say how GLAD I am to hear that you're BF-ing. I don't even know when hubby and I will have kids but I am a HUGE BF fan. Good for you. You'll be a great mom.

  22. I am not sure if you have heard of this company, but many of my friends (who had to show up to jobs so sweat pants were not an option) purchased maternity clothes from Belly Basics. They have something called the Pregnancy Survival Kit – four basic clothing items in super stretchy fabric.

    Also, in response to your posting about films I would like to reccommend two of my favorites. The first is an Australian movie called "Flirting" it is the sequel to another movie called "The Year My Voice Broke," but it is not necessary to have seen that film in order to enjoy this one. It is a really sweet story and it is at least 12-15 years old since the teenage stars include: Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts and Thandie Newton. The other movie is "The Americanization of Emily," it was written by Paddy Chayefsky, who also wrote "Network." I like the romantic comedy banter as well as the underlying message about war and bravery.

  23. Steph-
    can I call you Steph? Target is great for maternity lounge wear. Comfortable shit that you can sit on your ass in. Seriously. Why pay $50.00 for a pair of Gap maternity yoga pants when you can pay $10.00 and no one will ever know?

    Also, look on eBay. They have maternity lots and you can buy designer items (slightly used) at great prices.

    I have breast fed 3 children. I have nursed at a McDonalds, a local play center, and even in a fitting room at the mall. It can be done discreetly and still be done in public. I have nursed in a room full of relatives and not one of them has ever seen my huge areolas. They make special covers, etc. You can also pump and bottle feed (AFTER the babies are well established nursers) if you know you will be in public and are uncomfortable whipping them out. I highly recommend the Avent Isis breast pump and the Avent bottles. There is a fabulous nursing book called, "So that's what they're there for; Breast Feeding basics." Lots of info. on nursing twins.

    The best nursing bras I ever found were at Motherhood. Front closures…very comfy.

    And can I add that I am impressed that you are 5 months pregnant with twins and JUST now needed maternity wear.

    Good Luck and may the clothing Gods be with you.

  24. Try Old Navy maternity. Disposable maternity clothes are the way to go. You are totally going to hate all the stuff you buy (even the cute stuff) by the end anyway. I'm at 37 weeks and NOTHING fits. NOTHING. I have 4 shirts, 2 pairs of gauchos (which i had previously blacklisted, but had to give in due to not having a choice in the matter) and 2 skirts. I'm sure the people here at work are just as tired of looking at me as i am of looking at me. I would try Target maternity (at least at some point – cuz you WILL get to a point when you just dont give a crap) cuz you can just burn that shite when you are done and never look back! I too felt like there was NO WAY i was going to buy anything at Target, but had to give in when all the "cute" stuff i had bought elsewhere suddenly no longer fit. Who wants to waste money on MORE maternity clothes! YUCK!
    And nice work on what you said to Leanora…..some people really need to be put in their place. YOU eat in public, dont you Leanora? How about YOU go eat in the bathroom and see how YOU like it!

  25. Hahahahahaha! I'm loving Stephanie's last comment about growing the fuck up and why she shouldn't be scorned for doing what is natural. Being a mother and nursing is probably the MOST natural thing on the face of this planet, every species does it. I'm tired of society making us feel like we should hide our motherhood. I'm not the most feminist person, but I sure believe in the "sacred feminine" and cherishing the miracle of life. Please, I've seen more nipples on afternoon tv, seeing a woman nurse babies on a park bench or wherever wouldn't even make me flinch. And it shouldn't.

  26. I gotta say I love having followed you from dating to this. Actually achieving your goals. Meanwhile I'm still stuck in stage 1 looking for a clue, and therefor a man… Atleast I know it can be achieved, right!

  27. Try this out, there is an Uber Mom shop in Maple Grove, MN I believe as well and they are supposed to have some great items. There is no reason to NOT look hip just because you are pregnant!

  28. The first time I met my friend Aurelia, the person introducing us slipped and said "Hi! Meet Areola." I nearly died. So did she. And I didn't think that word could get any funnier…

  29. Stephanie,
    I don't know if you would-I never thought I would-but I did…consignment???? Anyway, I found better brand Maternity at a consignment store in Austin. I think it was off of Steck and Mesa in that general area anyway. Also Nordstrom's maternity has a few good things.

  30. Check out for nursing blankets in hip fabrics. Don't they have pea in the pod in Austin? There is one in SA. I got some great stuff from Japanese Weekend. Found great bargains on their summer stuff about now and you can wear it into winter in Texas.

  31. I have to say that I'm with you on the snobbery issue. However, once I hit the point of no return and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, fit, it was Target or else… or else maybe, just maybe I could wiggle into a lawn and leaf bag. Seriously, when I was that big I wasn't leaving the house too much anyway, and I would have just as soon worn inexpensive (okay, cheap) Target clothes. Find comfort in the fact that all the money you are saving during your pregnancy you can spend on new threads after the babies are born!!

  32. A friend of mine had a tailor cut out the waist of her seven jeans and put in an elastic waist. Cute and affordable.

  33. You're totally screwed if you're gonna be snobby about maternity wear. The thing is…you're gonna be pregnant for another FOUR months and you're not going to fit into anything that you currently own for a good bit beyond the birth. You're going to need A LOT of clothes. So buy a couple fancy Hollywood mom outfits for $1000 and then go spend another $300 at Target. Seriously. I had twins and wore some of my "maternity" clothes until their first birthday. Even when you lose the weight, it is distributed in weird ways and your body is downright strange to you after a twin pregnancy. You will *not* look the same in the same jeans, even if you swear you weigh less than when you had them on last. Not to be a big downer or cast out that cheap girl snobby tone, but get thee to Target. Or Old Navy! Really and truly…

  34. I live in Kona Hawaii and also had twins. I'm with the ladies above who advise not spending too much on maternity clothes.. Unless you're Gwen Stefani or Kate Hudson, it's a big waste of money. I bought 2 or 3 mat.overalls. They are comfy and look cute. You can get them cheap at Ross or Kmart and they look FINE. I also bought lots of the stretchy bicycle style pants. You don't need to look frumpy or spend a lot. It's for such a short time. You're going to be needing so much baby gear..not to mention diapers… for twins that it's better to save your money for what's to come…

    AFTER (not now) you've had the twins, check out ""

    You can also get great hands-on BTDT advice and make good friends on the ParentsPlace twins board. You didn't ask, but here's some unsolicited advice: walk as much as you can now, (it will help you recover,) don't overeat and remember..Twins will change your life radically, get your rest now!

  35. Whip those puppies out and milk away! I see plenty of crap every day that I don't want to see (thongs, ass-cracks,you name it) so what's wrong with a womam FEEDING HER CHILDREN. And as far as feeding them in the bathroom, that's just nasty — I don't care how nice the "lounge" area appears to be. They're full of germs. I don't even take water bottles in there.

  36. when I was pregnant with my twins, I lived in about three pairs of huge-mutha maternity pants from Old Navy and the Gap. But don't expect to find even the biggest tent-like tees to cover the belly come 36-37 weeks…the twinbelly cannot be contained!

    My ass grew SO MUCH during my pregnancy, it was startling. My husband teased that the butt had to be that big to counterbalance the enormous belly.

  37. 11 days! Yay!

    It will definitely be tough for me to spend a lot of money on maternity clothes. I guess, in that way, I envy the uber rich celebs.

  38. It seems like maybe you could get some of the higher-end maternity clothes companies to sponsor you while you're on your book tour, as well as if you post pics here, so long as–in both cases–you credit them for how adorably you're dressed.

    Have you tried that route?

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