what an asshole

In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

What an asshole.  There’s no other way of putting it.  The invitations went out.  RSVPs to the wedding are starting to come in.  His bachelor party has been planned.  He’s just made dinner plans with a woman he’s slept with, repeatedly in his past, and would like to sleep with again.  Now.  After dessert. 

No, it’s not my man.  One of my closest friends has just revealed to me that she’s come from dinner with "The Wheeler," one of those nicknames we’re unsure of the origin, but it still works and is used in referring to her ex.  Though he’s not really her ex.  He’s just a guy she knows, went on some dates with, had sex with, but really, the exes are usually the ones that involve some kind of heartbreak.  "The Talk" is had.  This wasn’t the case with them.  They were set up once upon a time ago, and then, suddenly, he was engaged to someone else, but he never stopped calling, emailing, or texting my friend.  "Just friends," but she always knew, at any moment, if she said the word, he’d get her naked and have his way with her. 

On their latest non-date, he expressed that he’s looking forward to his bachelor party and fully plans to have sex with one of the many women involved in his night of debauchery.  "What an asshole!" I say to my friend, aware that I might be extra sensitive to the topic.  No, I mean, it’s not the hormones here.  That’s just fucked up.  He’s going into the night believing he’s well within his right to have sex with anyone he chooses.  "Because he’s not married yet.  That’s what he says.  Still checks off the single box when filling out government forms.  As long as there’s no ring on his finger, he thinks anything is fair game, including me," my friend relays. 
"Do you think she knows, his fiancee?"
"There’s no way she knows."
"Not even a little?" 

We can’t answer this.  "He should not be getting married," I say, shaking my head.  "And I wish his fiancee did find out.  Not so she’s hurt but so she’d know who she was really marrying."  We assume the woman must see signs, ignore signs, but being a woman who lived through it, that’s not entirely true.  You know your man is a flirt, but he makes you promises and acts appalled when he hears stories of other guys cheating.  You don’t want to be the paranoid lover, so you just trust.  Not all women ignore signs.  Sometimes the guy does one hell of a snow job to make sure everyone sees him in the best light, candlelight instead of the red-light district kind.  What an asshole.

I secretly wish someone would send his fiancee a note, letting her know exactly who this man is.  When his meal ended with my friend, the following day, he texted her, "Thank you for one of the most memorable nights I’ve had in the past few years.  Thank you for bringing back that first date feeling."  I wonder how my friend, and her boyfriend, rsvp’d to The Wheeler’s Wedding invitation.   I’d check off REGRET, and beside it add, "you will have many."

The worst of all this is, my father tells me a lot of men he knows cheat on their wives, and they see nothing wrong with it.  They don’t associate it with love.  "They really do love their wives, and they make sure they don’t get caught."  But they fucking live with themselves.  They somehow make allowances for unforgivable to enter their homes and lives, weaving between the grooves of their white picket fences.  I don’t know how we allow ourselves to slip and allow so much.  Both of us, the cheaters and the cheated on who ignore it.

Comments

  1. wow… yeah, I read somewhere that 85% of men and 75% of women cheat during marriages that stay together… even those! I don't want to think about mom or dad cheating on each other. you're right, how can they live with themselves?

  2. he'll get his, one day, probably not sooner than later, unfortunately. Men like this need to check themselves b/c they think they have balls bigger than their heads – and truely they aren't men at all.
    By the way, checked out Hungry-girl Web site and signed up for daily e-mails.. It's so cute. My lunch was also mac n cheese – it doesn't take much to convenience me.

  3. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    I can not BEGIN to tell you how much this infuriates me. I wanted to rip my hair out just reading it. It's absolutely disgusting. I have had my heart ripped to shreds (just like most) but I don't trust as blindly as I should. However, I've always come to find…that it was with good reason. I want to believe that I will eventually be able to trust the "right man", but everything is so fucked up these days, figuring out if it's the right man is as muddy as trying to figure out if he's cheating.

  4. In this day and age – I just don't get the casual sex thing. Can we say deadly diseases – life-altering germs? And the kind of women who would sleep with him on that night – ew. I wouldn't even want to share a toilet seat with them – even with the tissue cover.

    Asshole indeed.

  5. Okay, we know the guys a jerk, but what's the deal with your friend? She obviously gets something out of continuing to associate with this man, with whom she knows she could sleep with if she just said the word. Little boost to the ego, perhaps?

  6. maybe the fiancee will read this and *know* (or guess) that it might be her guy. (if it were me, i'd want to know.)

    also, i wish i hadn't read this after i ate. i suppose i know that cheating is one of those things that's true, it exists, but, at the same time, is so hard to process… and not be a little nauseated by.

  7. Someone needs to send the girl a note – better the devil you know and all that… that sort of behaviour is freakin appalling and he deserves to be burnt by losing his fiancee and better yet, humiliated in front of his entire family and friends – what an asshole.

  8. It brings up an intresting question, though…to tell or not to tell? I had a "couple" of friends, they eventually got married, but the guy literally stuck his penis in everything that moved the first five years they were together. I wasn't very close to the girl, so I never told her, or arranged for her to find out via some anonymous email. But its always bothered me that they got married and she never knew.

  9. Ok, this is where the sisterhood comes into play. Would you want someone to tell you? Clueless bride needs to know…how she finds out is inconsequencial but the "deed" needs to be done.

    Fingers crossed, by chucking the future deadbeat husband out, the sooner she can get on with her life and finds the man who is truly meant for her.

    Woman up and let's take care of our own.

  10. Cheaters, men and women alike, are disgusting. I come from a slightly bitter place in this regard, seeing as I married one of these assholes, but I still feel my statement is true. People should realize that they are taking part in ruining a life or possibly an entire family when they engage this type of person. I pray to God that this woman finds out about this guy before she says "I do". It will hurt like a mother fucker NOW, but she'll be so glad she knew 20 years down the road after she's found a real man, one worthy of her heart and her life.

  11. Okay, I totally agree- BUT I feel like we encourage men to act this way to other women (and create a bad karma vibe for ourselves) by being friends with guys like this. You can't know what the poor girl thinks and feels, but WHY is your friend going to dinner with a guy like this in the first place?!?

  12. This is just disgusting! Since I've been married my views on casual sex and that whole thing have completely flipped. I used to think that hooking up with someone at the bar was no big deal, as long as you were safe. I still have several friends who practice this and it bothers me to no end.
    No longer would I even consider taking someone back after they've cheated. Nor would cheating ever cross my mind. My husband and I have both been crushed in the past by cheating boy/girlfriends. Maybe you need to go through that pain before you can truly find someone that you trust 100%.

    I've got one friend who hastily married a man after one month of knowing each other. I got a phone call one day at work and it was her telling me to come to the park b/c they were getting married. What? About a year goes by and she finds out that for 9 months (or more) of their marriage he had an add online offering sex. I have no idea how many women he slept with but…I don't think I want to know. She was crushed but she took him back. Just last weekend they renewed their vows…maybe they'll stick this time.

  13. My 'Best Wish' for the groom-to-be is a frustrating case of crotch rott. What a loser, player, wannan be a gigalo, Gabe he must be.

  14. Wow. I was the first comment? I don't think that's ever happened. I feel so … special.

  15. Things like this make my heart hurt. Why has cheating become such a large part of relationships? Why do people think it's acceptable? Just because you're "not married yet" doesn't mean you're relationship isn't incredibly serious.

    When I think of the (few) people that I know that are in serious relationships, I know for a fact that in more than half of them at least of of the partners has cheated.

    I've cheated. I've been cheated on. I've been the one someone cheated with. And with each situation I end up feeling like…

    If you're ok being with someone else…maybe it's a sign that you should be.

  16. I really really hope this woman finds out before she gets married. I hope one of her friends or family members knows or finds out and can break the news to her gently because there is nothing more painful than believing in, loving, and cherishing something that isn't satisfied with just you, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally.

  17. I am not sure how exactly to respond to both this post and the comments. The guy is an asshole…Most definitely; the girl should be informed…maybe. If she can be oblivious to the fact that he cheats who are we to make a heart breaking judgment for her. Maybe she knows and is okay with it. People wouldn't cheat if it wasn't on some level accepted.

    Please note that I was briefly married to a man who cheated and I divorced him because it was betrayal I could never forget. He used that same line about "all men do it". I don't not think finding the one will keep a cheater from cheating. ON some level I don't think that men are wired to be monogamous. It goes back to if a guy does it he's a stud if a girl does it she's a slut. Men for the most part view their masculinity through their sexual prowess.

    Also your friend really needs to question her motives in continuing to be friends with this man. By doing so she is condoning his behavior. She is saying that it is okay to treat your fiancée like crap, that women should be treated this way. (kind of a slippery slope but true all the same.)

    I could go on on this topic, but I fear I have already written too much. :)

  18. I totally related on this one. I am the other girl right now, sort of. I am in contact with a guy that I dated, slept with and then nothing came of it. He is now in a serious relationship, speaking of moving in together – but he is constantly asking me if we can have sex again. Add to that, he is outright in saying that he needs it to be impersonal and not intimate bc it's not cheating "as much." I haven't conceeded, but I still entertain his requests and play with the idea with him.

    Bottom line, is the guy is an ass that needs constant validation that he is found attractive.

    And why am I, like your friend, still even associating with him? UGH. This post made me do a little looking in the mirror. Time to cut ties and focus my energy on a man that will focus his energy back on me.

  19. I think your friend really needs to not talk to this guy ever again. I had to break off a 13 year friendship with a guy who decided to tell me the month before his wedding that he was still in love with me. ( we had dated in high school for like 2 months and I thought we were way past that…) Anyway, I had to tell him that as much as I loved his friendship, I could not put myself in that position and would not be attending the wedding and he should not call me anymore.
    Yes- I still miss him sometimes, but I knew I could never look his soon-to-be-wife in the eye again knowing what I knew. It's just wrong. Let him be "that guy" with someone else… not your friend…

  20. What's to say the fiance didn't know, and wasn't planning on doing the same thing before the marriage? I've had sex with others since I've been married, as has my husband. We both acknowledged from the very beginning that it might be something that would happen. We disclose it, discuss it, at times, encourage it. I know that some look at us as cheaters, lower than low. But they don't know what we know, they don't know what we've acknowledged as being acceptable behavior within this marriage. We are still together, almost 30 years on. The definition of marriage isn't the same for everyone. As long as both partners have the same definition, who's to judge?

  21. I think cheating is easy to judge from the outside, easy to rationalize on the inside. Cheating touched hard on my current boyfriend's last relationship was well as mine. He didn't know about it until she confessed, mainly as a way to break them up. I knew about my boyfriend's infidelity all along, but the guy was so charming and so beautifully assuring that he'd end the other relationship that I believed him until I'd lost most of my friends and all my self esteem. I finally cut off contact with him.

    I think having these heartbreaks in our recent past make us very sensitive to any stray feelings. We have both agreed that if we feel even a modicum of interest toward someone else, this indicates something has gone wrong between us, and we should talk about it before anything actually happens, to see if we can repair the problem, or if we should part ways rather than cheat or just suffer in want. I think it is the only proper thing to do rather than explore other "what ifs" or "potentials" while still in the old safe relationship, and that is what a lot of people do.

  22. Oh, you would be wasting her breath by you or someone else telling her, because i am 100% sure she already knows. Women often times choose to ignore things about their men they dont like, or delude themselves into believing some fantasy where the man they are married to (or going to marry) doesnt knock bottom with everything that walks. She knows, but is either desperate, and feels like she has sunk too much time into the relationship to bail out, or as is often the case (and is actually worse), thinks that she will change him (or he will change on his own) once they get married. Its like couples that fight like cats and dogs that have a child, thinking that somehow that is a good idea, and will bring them closer.

    They will simply be a contributing factor to driving the divorce rate above the 50% mark (if it isnt already).

  23. To Lee: I wouldn't call it cheating if both parties are aware and agreeable to whatever the arrangement is. To me, cheating is doing it behind your partner's back with the intention of decieving them.

  24. Oh, and if your friend is banging him when he is engaged/married to or dating this guy, you can bet your bottom dollar that karma will dictate that her current or future husband/boyfriend will be banging some woman on the side. In which case she will cry to you and all her friends, will blame the "other" woman, and you will all help to promote her delusion that somehow it is all/more the other woman's fault, and not her mans, call her a whore/slut, think of ways to destroy her life, etc.

    Karma is a b#tch, and it always comes back to you get you in the end. Now, if she hasnt been fornicating with a man who is spoken for, then the above comment was inappropriate, and you can feel free to disregard it.

    SHE HASN'T TOUCHED HIM IN OVER A YEAR

  25. His name is "The Wheeler"? Sounds like the real life "Mr. Big". I hope Natasha is not his fiance's name.

  26. Right on "Lee". . .
    Further, although i think cheating is bad (but i've been the cheater in my past, so shame on me. . . )and can cause so much pain. . . on the other hand, WHO KNOWS what lurks in the deep dark secrets between couples, what tibits make their engines purr, etc. I believe in expressing my opinion, but "until you've walked in their shoes", well who are we to judge. Hint hint hint. . . opinion v. judgment. The smart person knows the difference.
    Also, as to comments for having "someone" tell the fiancee. . . UGH!! that person will be doomed as the "messenger". As far as comments as to SK's friend, don't be so hard on her. . . sounds like she didn't hook up, just had dinner. ALTHOUGH, the "wheeler" sounds like not only an ass, but a confused and needy type. Men and women ARE different when it comes to "the act", which can be broken down into 3 categories: fucking, sex, and making love. I like all three, but i also know their place in my world. As for most men, the whole thing is about getting off, no matter how its done or done with. Please don't try to say "oh no, my guy loves to make love". Pleeeeezzzzeeeee…most men will say anything for you to slob their knob or to get a piece of ass. I understand that. . . and i use it to my advantage, so be it.

  27. wow, I tought people got married when they love the other person… How can you love someone and still dishonor them in such a way?? I don't want to offend anyone but if you want to love someone else or go to bed with someone else, tell this to your partner! How would YOU like to be treated? Maybe cheating is just about wanting to be free, but too scared to be alone in the end?!

  28. let me take your friend out on a date. She'll never think about this guy or his future wife ever again……and that will be after the first time we meet…LOL

  29. I just saw a new book called _The Script_ (Elizabeth Landers, Vicky Mainzer. Apparently all guys who cheat say and do basically the same things (one of those things is acting outraged about other guys cheating, and saying they themselves would never do that). An excellent bridal shower gift for the fiancee.

  30. He's done it before, he'll do it again…
    Yeah, one word: ass-hole – big time!

    Give me her address, and I'll send her a sisterly note….I feel for her, and hope she realizes what a jerk he is, before it's too late.
    No excuse for such behaviour!

  31. Never say never. Cheating is one thing that can happen to everyone, that`s what I believe. In the past I`ve cheated and I`ve been the one someone cheated with and this is really nothing I`m proud of; I felt like ass for it. But what I´ve learned is that when two people have problems in their relationship it wouldn`t get easier with a third one.

  32. I've been cheated on by 90% of the guys i've dated or had relationships with. And never do they ever pick a pretty girl to cheat on me with. I used to get outraged and scream and hurt and revenge upon, but now i'm kind of waiting for it to happen when I meet someone new. When it does, I shrug my shoulders and move on. Tears are cried, hugs are accepted, but i'm no longer shocked and outraged. On the flip side, roughly one year ago I fell deeply, truly, madly, life-alteringly in love for the first time in my life – with a married man. It took me one year and a shattered heart to extricate myself from the situation. It was more real to me than anything in my life. So now I can see both sides of the situation. And the view sucks no matter how you look at it. So I adjusted my eye line to include lots of great friends and my two furkids (thanks for that word!) and i'm happier than ever.

  33. Send me the girl's email address–I'll tell her!!!

    Hey, maybe she reads your blog and can put two and two together. I hope so…

  34. Hi Stephanie, this is really nothing to do with this post, so sorry about that, but i recently returned from a 3 month trip of the US, and i check your website for the first time since may, a little confused I must admit, and i see that you are pregnant, so just wanted to say congratulations. I bought your book while i was in NY and i believe i missed you in borders by 3 days. Are you still planning a trip to London on a book tour?

  35. I've been the cheater and the cheatee. I've also been the other woman. It's destructive all the way around. And in my experience, it's the deceit and lack of respect that destroys relationships… not the actual act itself.

  36. As bad as I think the assholes behaviour is, don't you think your friend is a major hypocrite?

    She'll slag him off for his horrible behaviour, but how can she not know she's simply encouraging it by having dinner with an engaged man, who she knows will hit on her?

    If she knows (and disapproves) of his behaviour, then what the hell is she doing going out with him in the first place?

  37. Your friend is a slut. Why is it not ok for the guy to cheat, but perfectly ok for her to enable him to?

  38. First off, yuck.

    But… I can't help but think it's nobody's business what these two people do. The fiance should know, yes. Actually, I think someone should tell her best friend, so the best friend can tell her. But it's too easy to be on the outside and be all, "What an asshole! That poor girl!" But no one really knows this couple. Maybe she DOES know. It's no one's business but her own what she chooses to do with her relationships. However, if she truly is unaware, she should be told, by someone she can believe, what her guy is up to, so she can make informed decisions about her marriage to this guy.

  39. Marriage is so unnatural. Let's all fornicate, and if you get herpes, then you suffer the consequenses. If not, then play on…

  40. Cheating can be complex or simple. A guy can be an asshole or be really confused when he thinks about cheating. Doesn't make it right, but it's not like people are all either cheaters or not. Temptation happens to the best of us.

    Sounds like this one is an asshole, though.

    For the record, my first fiance cheated on me. When I questioned him about my suspicions, he made me feel terrible for thinking he would do anything like that. Only when my suspicions were aroused by him again and I broke into his email did I find out what he was doing. And I have never screamed at anyone the way I screamed at him that night. As you might imagine, we weren't together much longer. So, all that is to day, not every woman is complicit in her guy cheating on her. If she is, she needs to get in some serious therapy to figure out why she'll put up with that shit.

    And good guys do exist. I have a wonderful one now. Even with him being great, our relationship takes the two of us never forgetting the other one is more important than whatever else is going on in our lives. It's not easy work, and if we let it go a while, I'm sure one of us would be tempted to cheat. So we have to stay at it to keep from ever getting to that point.

  41. I recently found an email of my husbands contacting an escort. He denies that he followed through with the request. 9 years, and many problems. I really don't know whether to believe him. The comment that said the fiance must know 100%. I sure don't.

  42. After three fiancees (only one of whom I married) and several long-term boyfriends, here's what I know for sure — if you suspect, then it is almost for certain he's cheated (unless you have some sort of delusional mental illness). If you find evidence, he definitely cheated, even if he denies.

    When you're with someone who doesn't cheat, you don't suspect them of cheating. Sadly, I think it's that simple.

  43. I hate reading about stuff like this. It just reinforces my faith that there aren't any good men left in this world. If there are, and you're single, please come to Orlando! :)

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