There was a woman in my JCC writing class who dreamt of her husband before ever meeting him. I remember writing in the margin of her work that I got chills when I read it. That night, after class, I vowed to keep a dream journal beside my bed, so I could scribble down as much as I could before it escaped into awake. I maybe did it for three nights. But occasionally, I’ve written about my dreams on this blog. Almost two months ago I wrote this (read the whole thing), and once I returned from the Dominican Republic, I realized my dream came true. Positively pregnant. I was terrified of being happy again. What if it was another false alarm? After all, those damn "5-day early" tests didn’t work! I didn’t get a positive result until a week after my expected period, when I was in New York for the week. Maybe the HCG hormone wasn’t strong enough. Maybe my progesterone levels were too low again. It was bittersweet. When I returned to Austin, we made a doctor’s appointment. They took blood and said everything was excellent. I wanted to believe them, but until I saw a heartbeat, I’d keep up with my dramatic "if"s. At two months pregnant we went for our first ultrasound. I was terrified.
"Please just tell me you see a heartbeat," I said, staring at the familiar ultrasound monitor.
"Well, there is a heartbeat, but…" our doctor said after probing around for a bit. The Suitor squeezed my hand. "There are actually two heartbeats. Do twins run in your family?" I started to gasp and laugh and cry.
"Oh my God, really? I mean my grandmother had twins, but she miscarried, and I know they run on my mother’s side." I couldn’t shut up. I also couldn’t believe it. After everything I’d been through, the abortion, the miscarriage. And now twins. I couldn’t stop crying. "Are you sure? I mean are both of them okay? Do they both have a heartbeat?"
"Yes, I’m sure." Then he pointed them both out to us. "They’re both the same size, which is good, but we’ll watch that, make sure one isn’t getting all the groceries."
"And they’re both healthy? I’m just so worried because of last time."
"Yes, they both have strong healthy heartbeats, and everything, including all your blood work, looks great." Then he excused himself from the room, and my Philip pulled me toward him and hugged me tight, tears in his eyes. And while I dreamt "super pregnant," he’d been chanting "twins" all along. "Because you’re way too sick to just be carrying one in there." But we’ll get into that another time. For now, it’s only good things. I am just… beyond. I’m currently ten weeks pregnant, due mid-February, and we don’t want to find out the sex, or sexes, of the guppies. Now excuse me while I go throw up… again.