double negatives

I took one yesterday, in the afternoon, because The Suitor insisted, "come on, don’t you have to pee now?"  It was the five-day early pregnancy test.  My breasts have been hurting, and I’ve felt slightly naush.  Negative.  Then I got a little mopey.  I didn’t cry or anything, and I don’t think I declared, "It’ll never happen."  It was low-drama, but I moped just the same.  He pulled me toward him and didn’t say anything stupid.  Didn’t make a joke about "now we get to have more fun trying."  I’m sick of hearing that.  Sick of mentioning how now I get more sushi or wine.  He just held me and kissed my head.  It was a good day, I guess. 

That night, I watched "First Do No Harm," featuring Meryl Streep as a mother, battling her young son’s epilepsy.  "Holy shit mother fucker!" I screamed aloud three times.  I bit my nails, and when The Suitor passed by the room, I’d say, "you cannot believe this movie.  It’s too intense.  I can’t take it!"  But I could.  It reminded me how lucky I am to have my health.  I know people speak about how we take our health for granted, and I think we’re reminded through art sometimes, sometimes through lives around us.  When the movie ended, I turned to The Suitor with, "I don’t want you to die."  I had tears at the ready.  "I don’t want to die."  I am incredibly thankful, and aware, that my health is a blessing.  I still feel naush.

I took another pregnancy test (an early one that detects the hormone five days before your spot is due) this morning because I had a dream that I was pregnant, one of those almost awake dreams, where you’re asleep, dreaming, wondering, "is this a dream?"  In it, I turned to the Suitor and said, "I took it again, and look, I’m super pregnant."  But then he was so excited, and I interrupted him with, "wait, this is a dream."  Then I opened my eyes and realized I was right.  So I took another test because morning urine has more of the pregnancy hormone in it.  It’s cycle day 27.  My spot is due tomorrow, just before I leave for New York (for another wedding, and for work).  One thin line.  Negative.

Two negatives equal a positive: I’m trying to figure out what that is.  I could say, "meant to be," but I think that’s the excuse we give so we feel like it’s out of our hands.  We’ll keep trying, and I know it will happen, chin up crap.  But it still feels like a disappointment.  Now I’ll owe my dad a real father’s day present (note to self: June 18), can’t give him the "you’re going to be a grandfather" gift.  Not that he’s ever expected a gift.  "Just a card, please."  I guess it’s over the top to tell him I envy the way he raised us, and more to the point, HAD us.  Made us, was able to make it all happen.  I’m here because of him. 



  1. I have a love/hate feeling for those kinds of dreams. Sometimes it's like getting an extra scene in life and sometimes it's just heart wrenching and "HAHA, this is a dream!"

    Anyway…I wonder if my dad would look at me being pregnant as a gift this year. Probably not this year;)

  2. I always get this from your blog, and from other readings of yours– that your relationship is so super-super strong with your father as opposed to your mother. I wonder what circumstances led your parents to divorce, and why you tend to have a closer relationship with your father as opposed to your mom. Isn't your mother alone in Florida and your father happily remarried in New York?
    It's lovely, it's just very different from any other young women I've seen.
    I could never live without telling my mother every single (important-to-me**)thing I ever did every day. I love my dad to death, don't get me wrong.
    Just wondering is all.

  3. Hearing about the relationship you have with your Dad is reason enough to believe that even if you did go over the top and say those things, he'd get it, which is cool. Kudo's to you and Phil, just knowing that the time was right to hold each other instead of try and be jokey about things speaks volumes about your relationship. There are no words Stephanie, so I wont try and say any. Sending you guys much positive mojo in all regards, know that.

    I hope you guys have a great weekend in NYC, kick back and enjoy!


  4. i know it doesn't help you…but i understand.i got my double negative as well on mothers day…talk about rushing out real quick to get a gift. fathers day isn't looking so hot either. but must love the hug without stupidity. it took me 3 months so far of tears to realize that my negative is his as well. i'm sending good thoughts to you..

  5. This is not meant as a flame. You talk a lot about trying to get pregnant, but not much about planning a wedding although you are engaged.

  6. I'm sorry-I only read you every so often and I guess I missed the post about the wedding coming after the baby? I'm thrilled for you and Phil. I personally loved Austin (you must be sure to rent a room at hotel san hose there-for a romantic vacation getaway) and I think living outside of nyc is probably a great thing. On a lot of levels. I'm just curious if your first pass at marriage and doing everything 'all proper' has soured you on following convention?

  7. I've only ever commented once before and it was the same thing I'm going to say now. With my first pregnancy I took 4 tests over the course of 2 weeks before the 5th one finally came up positive. Sometimes 5 days before you're late is just too early for the hormone to be detected. Definitely keep trying if you're late and still having these symptoms… you never know!

  8. Well I wish I could tell you something wonderful that would help make you feel better about trying to conceive, because I read your blog all the time and what you write always makes my day feel more interesting. But I know firsthand it gets annoying when people say, "Well when I was going through that…" or, "I have a friend who…" because it just makes you want to go, "Well, bully for them, but that's not me." That said, I want you to know that I am sure it will happen.
    Also, your photography ad has popped up a new window about ten times while I've been writing this–does it just do that randomly? I'm confused.


  9. Perhaps this is a Mac thing. I, too, have had photography ads popping up when I try to post a comment….or when I try to enter my e-mail address…or when I try to preview….or at other unexpected times. Is there a way to by-pass the ads?


  10. "I could say, "meant to be," but I think that's the excuse we give so we feel like it's out of our hands."

    It's not an excuse, it is truly out of your hands. We can approach these things intelligently in an effort to improve our chances, but this is completely out of our control.

  11. Stephanie,

    Will you ever cease bitching and garnering sympathy from strangers? You've been pregnant before. You'll do it again. So sad, you'll get your dad a gift that's not a grandchild…really, my heart bleeds for you.

  12. I am quite sure the gift of having you as a daughter surpases any words you will ink in a card or letter to your father.

    I like Austin on you Stephanie – there is a change in you, it is like wonderful simmer, just before the boil. You can feel it from your writing.

    Have fun back at home. Besides, post wedding reception sex is sooo fun – cute dress, nice buzz, romance in the air, little piece of cake on the counter for afterwards……yummmm.


  13. The 5 day pregnancy tests are very unreliable until you have actually missed your period. When it gives a positive result, it was such a faint second pink line that I went and bought a digital one just to make sure. I recommend getting healthier now, curbing your alcohol consumption and eating more vegetables. I'm not saying not to enjoy yourself, but to eat and drink in moderation. If you do happen to get drunk one night after you conceive but before you know you're pregnant, you will worry and wonder what damage you've done. I got pregnant shortly after I finished a triathalon with weeks of training and eating lots but healthier foods. I thought there was no way it would happen after putting my body through that much arduous work, but that's the month it happened for me. And I happened to be much tighter at the beginning of my pregnancy.

  14. With regard to getting PG all I can do is offer a sympathetic ear, and tell you what you already know – it can take even a perfectly healthy couple several months to get pregnant, although I totally understand how frustrating the wait is and I speak from experience (3 pregnancies including one m/c). It happened once for you, it will happen again – I'm sure.

    Have you tried one of those electronic ovulation predictors? I have friends that swear by them.

  15. I can only echo Stephanie's comments. I have been where you are and nothing really makes you feel better but the absence of the *spot*.
    It will happen, of that I am certain!

  16. I have my fingers crossed for you! Maybe you'll go off to NY for the weekend and be thinking of other things, then will come back to a positive – it always seems when I stop obsessing about something that's when I get what I want.

  17. You'll get pregnant don't worry about it. The kid will be lucky to have two good parents.

  18. Hi Stephanie,
    Maybe going back to NY for a short visit, is a good omen!!!
    That could be the place were the Suitor & You, "make it happen" You been through a lot recently: new location, new city and state, new way of life, not to mention the book commitments, blog activities and just adjusting to it all.
    You are doing better than most!!! Just let things flow, and when the news you are impatiently waiting for is confirmed, it will be one the happiest and greatest days.

  19. I have to reiterate waht Tess said. It's probably best to curb the alcohol when you're trying. The odd drink probably won't make a heck of a lot of difference. But like I and others have said before, you really don't want to find out you're pregnant right after you finished a one-week binge.

  20. Hi Steph,

    Unless someone has been in your circumstance, no one will truly understand the tension, the uncontrollable thoughts that go through your mind, the fears and excitement of trying to get pregnant. This is especially more so once you have experienced a loss.

    I can identify with your feelings and nothing irritates me more is when people tell you not to think about it, just wait a little longer or that is will "just happen". That is fine and dandy for most people who say it with good intentions, but something changes in you once you have experienced that crushing disappointment of a dream being lost.

    What I can tell you in hopes that is gives you comfort is that you are not alone. There are women out there that completely identify with your actions, thoughts and feelings. I know that it doesn't alleviate the pain, but I truly can identify (just having experienced my 3rd m/c within the past year).

    Drop me a line if you ever just want to swear and scream at how unfair it all is. Believe me – I do it on a monthly basis!

  21. Here's a TMI comment but next month, do it everysingleday for like 13 or 14 or 15 days. That's how I got my Tukey Pie.

    And those pre-tests, you never know about them. I took one, negative, drank a shitload that weekend, took another a viola, pregos. Maybe it was the wine. We almost named our daughter Rosemount Shiraz.

    Good luck!

  22. I've never taken a pregnancy test. My reasons are sound; I'm a guy and I could never decide which one was best.

  23. Re: drinking, of course it's best not to, but c'mon- don't put your life on hold. I found out I was pregnant about a week after my husband and I went on a wine tasting tour. Needless to say I was nervous, but the doctor assured me that for the first month, at least, it makes very little difference if you've been drinking.

  24. Everything is relative. I wish you all the best in your efforts to get PG, but don't forget, the best gift you can probably give your dad is time spent with you. My dad passed away unexpectedly 6 years ago, leaving my mom (widowed at age 50) and me absolutely devasted. He never met my husband, much less our (hopefully) future children. This Father's Day remember that having your dad around is gift enough.

  25. Every time I read your posts about pregnancy…I can’t help but understand you, yet feel selfish at the same time.

    I remember thinking I was pregnant with my ex. I was so scared I didn’t even want to take a test. I hadnt planned on it, I didnt want it at the moment. After all I was right…hes my ex now.

    Anyway, I turned out not being pregnant…but instead of relief, I felt this immense loss. He was completely depressed for days. I can’t imagine actually WANTING this so bad and continuously seeing one line.

    Im blabbering…just wanted to let you know that I've felt a millimeter of your pain and I’m sorry. I am rooting you on.

  26. Sorry to hear about the negative. We tried for over 5 years and gave up in February. Never got pregnant. No explanation. 2 failed IVFs. 4 failed IUIs. I hope you are able to have peace through this part of the journey.

  27. I've been where you are, with the one thin line and all the emotions that surround it. I've been there many times. Empathy is all I can offer.

    And maybe this: It really kind of is "out of our hands." There are things you can do to boost your chances, but ultimately, you can't control it. (Which makes it seem all the more incredible when it happens so easily for other people.)

  28. The dream state you describing is called lucid dreaming. It's quite difficult to reach–to be aware that you are dreaming. If you do get there, you want to resolve the conflict going on in the dream/search for answers. When you wake up–voila!

  29. My husband and I are "repoductively challanged"… and, sometimes the sadness lingers and becomes unbearable. I go through phases "want a baby"…."rather have a career"…. but the truth is, I want a family with the man I adore. In a round about sort of way, I am trying to say…I understand your thoughts.

    I wish all the best to you, Steph.

  30. Find something else to do that you can be passionate about and isn't conducive to being pregnant and do it whole-heartedly. It's a sure fire way cure.

    It'll happen when it's suppose to although I know it's no consolation.

  31. I agree with Peter, taking your mind off of things is the best advice. Worrying about it will make you tense and less likely to conceive, and a watched pot never boils, and all that. I think a lot have women have become pregnant shortly after they finally stopped trying so hard. Good luck!

  32. If you could just pack up and head down to Austin at the drop of a hat, why don't you just get married already, at the drop of a hat. The fact that you haven't seems odd, and may be the cause of stress, whether you admit it or not. And stress isn't ideal for conception.

  33. Touche. Cliche. Relax – when you worry you won't get pregnant. It's an omen. A sign. When you least expect it you're expecting. Ooh … seafood works. Where? I, too, went through that whole mishagosh. In retrospect, family and friends gave their hearts even if I couldn't handle the words. Then again, had they not said anything, would I have perceived a pink or blue elephant in the room?

  34. I wish you all the luck in the world.. How did the move go? Ihope you are enjoying Austin..

  35. Obviously, we're all waiting to see if you got a visit from the Period Fairy. While I hope YOU DIDN'T, I was very pleased to have a visit from my Period Fairy today. Hope I got it instead of you.

  36. Stephanie,

    When I wanted a child and it took awhile…I actually prayed that God would give us a child to love any which way he chose…when I gave up the desire to control the situation it happened and I conceived. I'm sending out a prayer to you and Phil.

    I think your child will be so lucky to be born into your creative, loving and fun home.


  37. Don't you just love when you desperately want to get pregnant and people are all "Don't worry about it!"
    Like it's that simple.

  38. I wish you the best — and I totally believe that if it's meant to be– then God will bless you with a little one.

    My prayers are with you Steph!

  39. Hello! Never forget your Mother! Nice Stephanie, very nice. I love reading about how proud you are to have me for a sister! And "naush" is such a Lea word…you're welcome.

  40. I'm writing as a social worker in a healthcare setting. When I read your post about not wanting to die it made me want to talk to you about drafting a living will, or an advanced directive. I also recommend you and phil obtain durable power of attorney for one another, for health care and financial decisions. Make it clear to one another and to your families what you want to happen if you're not able to make choices yourself. it's very, very important.

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