messy life

I was going to post about you tonight, but it would upset too much in my life. I’m learning for the first time what it feels like, regret in writing. I’m learning how jealous fits, how irrational and messy feels.  It doesn’t suit me or this place I’ve carved.  I’ve learned that it does matter, the words I use, the "you" implied. I’m learning what to keep for myself, and I’ve never felt this before. Before I believed putting everything out there was brave.It’s not really. It’s young. Because when I open my life that much, it leaves me open to more criticism, not of my writing, but in judgment. "How can you?" comes too easily from people who don’t know the smells of my home or the way I sleep. Strangers pass judgment on words said in the middle of the night, words I spew when I’m angry and hurt, words I don’t mean. Words. They don’t last anywhere but here, in archives. People forget how temporary feelings and words can be.  I’m people a lot of the time, too. There are things I want to post but won’t. Yes, I’m finishing the book and haven’t been diligent in my blogging. Yes. That’s true. I’ve been a stress case like you read about in textbooks.  I’ve been reaching out to friends in a panic, friends who know everything I say is temporary and irrational. But it’s still said, out there, in their minds and the width of space between us. Friends forgive and love me even when I make no sense, which has been a lot lately. I’ve been NASTY and mean to those I love most.  And I spend my quiet time regretting my choices in sobs. I hurt those I love most with temporary words that seem to last longer than my moods. It’s not fair. There’s no excuse.  I also shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  I hurt my family, which hurts me afterward.  Soon sorry is just a word too. I’m in a bad place, but tomorrow there will be a gingerbread latte for the taking… and I’ll have it with whipped… and things will seem brighter.



  1. Dear Stephanie,
    This is a beautiful post. I'm a writer, and like you, I blog. I have so many times wanted to stop because I am tired of my words being used against me–words said in haste, feelings expressed on the pixels of my screen, coded messages sent to people who aren't getting it.

    In the end, you write for yourself. To the devil with us voyeurs.

    Best of luck finishing your project!

  2. You can be both brave AND young AND foolhardy.

    Keep your guards up. Elbows in to protect your ribs. Chin in. Raise your gloves to rest upon your eyebrows. Gaze at your opponent through the gap created between the gloves. Move around a lot. Never keep your head in the same place. Also wait for an attack and THEN counterattack. Allow your opponent to wear himself out.

  3. This has been an exciting and difficult time for you with the book and all. I've noticed your posts a bit "less" than your writing that I am accustomed to and gave myself a break from reading but keep checking back. You have a life outside of this blog, people should understand. We all hurt people but at this point in my life, I so try to think a little before I say, or write what may hurt them. I don't walk on eggshells, I'm just a bit more cautious, especially with those I love.

  4. Thank you for your nature…
    A poetry for you…

    Je suis comme je suis

    Je suis comme je suis
    Je suis faite comme ça
    Quand j'ai envie de rire
    J'aime celui qui m'aime
    Est-ce ma faute à moi
    Si ce n'est pas le même
    Que j'aime à chaque sois
    Je suis comme je suis
    Je suis faite comme ça
    Que voulez-vous de plus
    Que voulez-vous de moi

    Je suis faite pour plaire
    Et n'y puis rien changer
    Mes talons sont trop hauts
    Ma taille trop cambrée
    Mes seins beaucoup trop durs
    Et mes yeux trop cernés

    Et puis après
    Qu'est-ce que ça peut vous faire
    Ce qui m'est arrivé
    Oui j'ai aimé quelqu'un
    Oui quelqu'un m'a aimée

    Comme les enfants qui s'aiment
    Simplement savent aimer
    Aimer aimer …
    Pourquoi me questionner
    Je suis là pour vous plaire
    Et n'y puis rien changer.

    (Jacques Prévert)

  5. PS: It's my Birthday tomorrow and so I think I deserve a gingerbread latte myself and may even be late for work! So…to us! I'm excited to see your book.

  6. one of my old friends once told me something important: not everyone needs to know everything. this from the girl who did coke with some friends all weekend while other friends had no idea…but still, there is truth there, especially for people like me, who feel a vague sense of incompleteness when we can't share things with other people.

  7. You just said it sweetie: "I also shouldn't be so hard on myself."

    So stop!

    You're writing a book, under pressure, under deadlines and the stress to keep up with it all.

    Relax. Take a deep breath, and know that it was all worth it.

  8. Are you ever amazed that your fans are so enthralled/consumed with your posts about somewhat orindary feelings that you experience (and which are generally experiences that many people feel, they simply dont blog about them)? I really dont mean it to be snide, but from a psychological perspective, it must amaze you to some degree. Or maybe it seems normal to you, but i cant imagine that is the case. I just cant understand how the documentation of the actions, thoughts, and feelings of an ordinary "day in a life", could result in legions of fans being so "moved".

    And do you really spend this much time thinking about your actions, or do you think that the act of blogging about them is what makes you ponder them so deeply?

  9. i am an avid reader of your blog- i discovered it this past summer, and fell in love. i do believe that everything you say is brave. i desire to be a writer when i'm a "grown-up", and i feel as though your writings are so open, so honest- i always have such a hard time being real with people. rarely do i say what i actually feel, and the fact you put everything out there, so openly, is something i respect.
    thank you for giving me a look inside your life. it's truly fascinating.

  10. Yes, you are probably being too hard on yourself. But then again, you are probably being to hard on the people you love as well. Take care of yourself first, and then make it up to everyone else. A sincere apology and attempt to make it right will work wonders.

  11. hang in there sister. we're all only human. and obviously flawed. and wonderful.

  12. Stephanie,

    From this "stranger" who met you last year… only admiration. You're almost there. (And it's SO time to kick back to some bluesy Randy Newman or Elvis Costello.)


  13. Wow. Beautiful post, Stephanie.

    I worry about this too in blogging. Will I someday regret that so much of my life is "out there," easily available for anyone who wishes to Google me? Will my words haunt me? Or will a future me find it in myself to forgive this younger me, for I know not what I'm doing when it comes to this life stuff. It feels as if I'm stumbling along a dark path without a flashlight. I trip and tumble often. And then turn to my blog to show everyone that I have egg on my face. Again.

  14. At least you have the courage to put it all out there while the rest of us just sit and watch. You take risks with sharing your emotions with the world–and I love it.

  15. I'm with you, protect yourself and your friends, you'll find the right way for both, freedom in writing and respect for your life. I'm sure about that because you are honest, strong and weak at the same time.
    Keep going Steph
    Ciao bella!

  16. Now the true test comes….once you realize you have to be more discriminatory with your writing…will you still be able to write sentences that make your heart sing? I think you struggle a lot with the desire to speak your mind, what you're feeling, at every moment you're feeling it…ahh, maybe you're just figuring out the difference between writing in a blog and writing a book. The latter being obviously the more "polished" version of self; the one you allow an editor to dress up before going to the party. A blog is much messier. Rough edges, ugliness…I could see how you might think it's bravery…but it sounds like you've hurt some people close to you with your words. Understanding the weight and sharpness of your words is a painful lesson every writer has to go through. Finding that balance between getting you're point across perfectly, and not upsetting the majority, seems exremely difficult. Good luck – I think you're on the right path.

  17. It's like this-Everyone makes mistakes, and this includes saying something really stupid. So if every once in a while you say something you shouldn't have, don't sweat it, and don't sweat the people that say something stupid to you, once in a while.

    OTOH, more than once in a while is unacceptable. If you find yourself regretting something you said every night, then you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

    But only you will know if it's normal stupidity or extraordinary stupidity.

  18. NYC already has the gingerbread latte?!? We're stuck with pumpkin spice in DC and waiting for gingerbread with baited breath. NYC always gets everything early. Sigh.

  19. Amy,

    Stephanie is a true professional. Mere amateur Starbucks patrons see the Pumpkin Spice offering and accept the fact that Gingerbread Latte's are unavailable. Stephanie spots the Gingerbread syrup and convinces them to indulge her. I've tried but no such luck.

  20. I read your blog and think how much courage you have. You are a person which speaks openly and that is something which should be prized. I am sorry that some people would choose judge you rather than themselves. I am encouraged by your boldness and openess. I hope that the few will not cause you to change.

  21. quite the problem..since throwing it all out there for the world to see was the secret of your success…so filtering, silencing and retracting may spark the spiral downward…..

  22. Discovering you has encouraged my life to open up. I've written in a diary for 34 years… processing the depth of emotions that most in life can't deal with because they don't want to deal with it… The unknown is scary. Addiction happens when we aren't willing to feel our feelings… what we forget is that feelings come and go. After a lifetime of stuffing our feelings and getting sick when we do so, it is quite scary to start telling the truth. People that need sugar coating and the fake life might be disturbed that your truth has caused them pain. Your real family will understand the necessity of your being free to be yourself, in the moment and spontaneous. You have a conscience and an ability to articulate the process of carving out an authentic life. You go girl! It's easy to distract ourselves from the pain. But then we never grow. You are doing the real work of getting conscious and being real. I applaud you for following your gut and sharing your truth. Only when we see our truths, can we start to work on what we want to change. Thank Goddess you are out there showing the way.

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