dreams to forget

I awoke this morning on the right side of the bed feeling wrong.  In my dream, you made plans with your friends to go to Pink Elephant, even though you knew I’d spent the day collecting your favorite ingredients.  I’d be cooking dinner.  When I confronted you, you told me to deal and not be as selfish.  You twisted things and left me wondering if I’d done something wrong.  You were ordering life for one instead of two, without apology. 

When I awoke, I wanted to punish you.  “But it’s only a dream; I didn’t do anything.”  I knew it wasn’t just a dream.  Something in our life is bothering me and working its way out in my sleep.  It happens when I drink, too.  The irrational bubbles to the surface when my good sense numbs out.  I forget how you sacrifice and spend your time thinking of how you can improve my life.  I remember when you take time for yourself; I cling to the negative space between us, and somehow believe that’s what I should be looking at.  Not the sculpture and shape of us, but what’s missing, what you’re not doing enough of.  I will then ignore you, deleting your numbers from my phone, because when we’re missing, people look for us.  It’s my way of manipulating affection, drawing it out of you, instead of being kind and understanding and having faith that it will come again, without my having to do anything. 

“But it was just a dream sweetheart; I’d never do that.”
“Yeah, but I dreamt it for a reason.  I must suspect or worry that you will behave that way, and my worrying about that is the problem here.”  When I said, “here,” I should have meant, “with me.”  I am tired of twisting things and leaving you to wonder if you’ve done something wrong.



  1. i hate dreams like that. i hate waking up mad, only to become mad at myself for being mad.

    last night i dreamt my boyfriend and i stopped walking in the rain and he complained that he was getting fat. i said, "you're not fat and your hood is filling up with water. we're getting wet. let's go inside."

    i wasn't mad that time, just confused.

  2. Dudette,

    that post was a crying scream for help, which you might already realize by now. Dealing with the reality of life in a relationship is tough enough. If you're going to start nagging your MID about your dreamlife, you have a serious issue.

    It doesn't mean that your dream is not giving you an indication that something might be wrong, but how is a guy/gal going to deal with things that went wrong in your dreams? If there is something that really did go wrong, then discuss it with him. But nagging him over your dream will only cause him to start thinking that something is seriously wrong with you and/or the relationship.

  3. Isn't it interesting how often we let our insecurities/worries/fears, etc. impact how we relate to a loved one, even if it has nothing to do with him/her?

    Cliche as it may be, people are sometimes the cruelest to those they care about the most. I think that may be where relationship cracks spring up… because we fail to treat the people we care most about, the best.

  4. Lemme ask you something I'm curious about…doesn't your whole blog theme of the search for a guy and the woman-coping-in-the-big-city-looking-for-love–doesn't it revolve around the search and experiences related to it??
    I mean, the movie, the potential tv series, the whole thing–doesn't it lose its reason for existence if you've found a guy and are working on a relationship? I ask this in all sincerity–have you thought about how if your life theme changes from searching and coping to finding and working on a relationship it loses some of its stinging interest for readers? Do the movie people care if your life changes or just make up what they want? Do your blog readers care? Do you care if your blog readers care?

    I now the object is to have a decent, happy life and all and the blog is only a reflection of your experiences along the way toward this…
    But how much can you alter the image and still retain everyone's interest? Will they read the book or books? Will you still have a career as a writer if you are happily esconsed in some home in Westchester with 2 kids? I'm just wondering if you've given this any thought as you accumulate experiences and shape your future? I mean, I kinda dig the rolling stone thing and hate to see you get too settled, youknowwhatimean?

  5. I guess that what is going on in her life is not very important about her career as a writer.
    For writers, first books usually are autobiographic, while books that come after could be about other subjects.
    About the blog, I think people are going to keep on reading it, since her posts are always so fun!

  6. I hate those dreams – I have them too. I dreamt that every other weekend lover told me that wasn't enough and that he'd found someone for every day of the week. Woke up so sad I didn't know what to do with myself. So I asked him in real life – and he told me to ignore the dream monsters.

    I'm sure that it's because of the unspoken fragile nature of our relationship that these insecurities bubble up in dream-land. And if I had solid plans to move forward with him in a *gasp* marriage kind of way, I think they'd be worse.

    I think acknowledging the dream, addressing the issue, and then forgiving it and moving right along is the only way to proceed. Keep up the good work, and sleep soundly. Oh, and ignore all the idiots, you're fabulous!

  7. I have those dreams, but mostly it's when I have reason to suspect, to doubt…and then I punish my other soul for the things I've fabricated.

  8. I had a dream recently in which an old friend ignored me at a party because he was pissed that I had blown off his wedding — which, in fact, I had. (In my defense, it was planned on short notice and was far away.) I was very upset by the dream so I dragged my ass out of bed and fired off an apologetic e-mail. It was obviously something that had been nagging at me for months. Turns out he wasn't pissed but my feelings were true nonetheless.

    This is not to say that there is something truly wrong in your relationship. But there is obviously something bugging you. Dreams are not random. If I might add my unsolicited $0.02, it's something that is worth talking about with your man lest it fester further. Indeed it's healthy that you're recognizing something that is bothering you and are able to address it head-on.

  9. My lover had a dream the other night that had put me into an equivalent tailspin. She was dreaming of a time she was with an ex. She awoke cooing with delight and her cheeks were as rosy as a cosmopolitan from Marquee. I wondered to myself "Why have I never seen her with this kind of happiness?". We sunk back into the comfort of my bed and I watched her fall peacefully back to sleep. I still felt blessed to be with her, but couldn't help but wonder if when he had taken the forbidden road with her, did she enjoy it more with him. Did he have better "equipment for cave exploration"?

    Should I cheat on her to get back at her?

  10. I had a friend in college that used to have fights with her roommate in her dreams and then wake up really mad at her – not realizing it had all been a dream until about 20 minutes later, midway through her shower.

  11. There are no guarantees. Sometimes when we think we have the guy, the marriage, the job, the relationship, we don't. I don't think people read this site to learn about the men I date. I think it's read for entertainment, sure, but it's really not about me, Stephanie Klein; it's about them, what they take from it, how it changes what they see in their own lives.

    The posts most people respond to have little to do with my being single and more to do with what they, as readers, take away from what I've observed or expressed about life, not single life, just life.

    I'm not worried about how my life will alter the subjects about which I write. I haven't begun to break the surface of my childhood, and obviously, each day provides new. New everything. Outlooks, material, information, memories, experiences, and firsts. I think it's how I respond and express the new that matters. It's less about the subject matter and more about the insight, or perceived insight.

  12. The other night I had a dream that I made a cake, but instead of powdered sugar I topped it with coke. When I ate it, my mouth went numb. Then I got on a plane and when I got off, Liberians and Nigerians were running around the airport eating people. One of them handed me my dog and I survived.

    My point is that this was clearly my boyfriends fault. Even though it was just a dream, I'm sure it means he was cheating on me. I broke up with him as soon as I woke up. I know I went to sleep deeply in love, but after a dream like that how could I possibly trust him again?

  13. i think bobby hit the nail on the head — no love drama in stephanie's life = no identity. She had a bad dream about her dream man so there must be something wrong? Are you kidding me? How about she had a bad dream because she is a neurotic self centered baby who will never and can never allow herself to be happy for fear of loosing the "poor me" per$sona she has going. Give me a break — she does not want a real relationship. Mark my words, as great as this guys sounds he will be done soon. Fear not readers… "woe is me" Step will be back soon so you can all tell her how great she is and how much you love and care about her. Not much else to say till then I guess… RUN SUITOR, RUN LIKE THE WIND.

  14. this is so hard, that feeling of head-nausea when you wake up with something permeating your mind causing everything to bubble over. i commend you for realizing that you shouldn't blame him for your own fears. another very hard thing to deal with.

  15. Stephanie,

    Your self sabotage is killing me. Your looking for shit that is not there. STOP! You will drive yourself crazy!

    By the way, dig your blog.

  16. My wife does this to me all the time and it always makes me really happy. She was going to be mad for something and at least I can take solace in the fact that I did absolutely nothing. My pleasure at the situation is usually gasoline on the flames.

    Then again, her dream usually relates to something real. It might have occurred five years ago but it is something real.

  17. Hey. How frustrating! But it's true; you've obviously sensed a personality flaw or relationship flaw and nowyou know the problem. One question: Are you being paranoid or is this really an issue?

  18. Thanks Kris!

    You've brought me back into reality. I don't know. I just get so crazy when I think about the fact that other men have been in the same port as me. The crazy thoughts led me into an eating frenzy. (I put down two pints of chunky monkey already)

    I'm not afraid about the site content getting stale. If the content gets slow we can all just talk to our cats right?

  19. I have dreams in which I despise my friends. I mean hate with a murderous rage. When I wake up, a shadow of that hate trails me for at least the day. Same with desire dreams. I dream of someone sexually and for the rest of the day, they're my fcuking ideal.

  20. I feel like I should write something controversial just to add to the middle school feeling going on here, but I honestly really like what SK writes, and I don't particuarly care whether or not it's true, or how her real life affects her writing, or where the line blurs etc. I like the words she uses, the phrasings she creates, the images she conjures up in my mind, and (yes i know ya'll will gag) the thoughts she inspires. :)

  21. Speaking of school, I always loved the first day of school just to see who was in my class. The rest of the year I hated it, unless I sat near the girl I liked, then it was worth going to class. Memories.

  22. Well, I guess the only thing you can do about this is to trust him more. But knowing you (or knowing people like you), you feel like you're too smart to trust completely and become vulnerable.

  23. Your boyfriend sounds like he is very understanding. This is the kind of thing that makes most men run. Hang on to him.

  24. To JAMES: are you kidding? In a real, honest relationship we do not cheat on each other. Do you want to hurt your girlfriend? Are you insane? Don't you want to be with her and be in a happy relationship?

  25. Steph2,

    I almost choked on my coffee. Thanks for the breath of fresh air. (It was getting stuffy in here!)

  26. Until the dream and the actual behavior mirror each other, I'd say it's just anxiety, which is normal, and since you communicated your dream to him, he's got the heads-up that you're concerned, thus making him more aware of his actions and your feelings. So you see, this dream wasn't so much a surfacing of issues as it was a preemptive strike on general guy-dick behavior. Buy your subconsious a new pair of shoes and don't sweat the small stuff so much.

  27. I have to say that I logged on with crossed fingers and hope against hope that maybe just for a change, just once, you would actually suspend the self-analysis and poor me's and maybe talk about the world around you. You know, the one where people have lost homes, loved ones, lives. The one where Louisiana is still recovering and Mississippi is still reeling and the rest of the world watches in horror at our refugees. It feels inhumane and intolerable to me to read about such a profoundly deep sense of self-centeredness when all you need to do is shake yourself from your dream and wake up to the world around you — and a moment of realization that there might be moments when a moratorium on self-absorption would be considered just. How sad to be so enmeshed that you can't see beyond your own life. I've often thought you and I are very similar, but now I see that we are worlds apart.

  28. Everyone has those dreams. I am an expert at swiching the good things people say to me in to bad ones. Into something less meaningful, telling myself that they only said things to me just to be polite. Its not good for us, but its ok to do it. And its ok to express your feelings and worries. Thats what makes relationships work, honesty

  29. I appreciate all your daily posts, and think, Stephanie, your post response, among the others here was just accurate and great, Well said!!!

    Bobby Dylan's post response was really good too, except he did not take into consideration that people evolve,so do businesses, music and sport stars.
    We all adjust to these situations.

    We have to take chances and always hold out hope. Good & the bad come with it.
    Success & happiness is never guaranteed!!
    Also, tomorrow is never promised to us!

  30. I feel that I have to take the reigns on this one-men have enough faults of our own and do enought stupid stuff that we don't need our significat other projecting one's on us that we haven't done, or for that matter, wouldn't do! Suitor seems like a nice guy(or at least seems that way), and it all boils down to trust.

    But that being said, do you really trust him? Isn't that what women have been harping on about for ages-"I just can't seem to trust you", etc? I guess that the ball is in your court, becuase if you buy into a little Jungian psyche, this makes a little sense if you don't. And maybe that is what the problem is, I have no idea.

  31. I'd recommend that you keep yer zipper up and find a true relationship. (Know what that is?) Your writing is typical NYC arrogance; selfish & narrow. I read the blog because you seem to have some litterary tallent …

  32. If you're having dreams like this with someone you're just dating, it's time to cut the boy loose. Besides, falling in love is always superior to actually being in a "relationship". Unless the relationship is genuine. Maybe this isn't the right man for you?

    Don't waste any time on the wrong person.

  33. That has happened to me a few times. I am told it means I'm a control freak. But hey…nobody is perfect. :)

  34. Meredith: We are all aware about the horrible things that are going on in this country at this very moment but puhleasseeee….do you expect every waking moment we have to be spent grieving or thinking about tragedies? We need to live our lives for right now…who knows what tomorrow will bring? I say this with the most respect to the South. I hope most of us have done something that is in our power to help.

  35. Meredith, Meredith…Just exactly how long has it been since you last got laid? Are we talking months?
    Cheer up!

  36. ok, so yes, i'm about a year too late but this bad dreaming and then waking up feeling the emotions from the dreams are really getting to me and i need to type them out and post them…just not on my stupid myspace blog where everyone i know can read it. i used to have these dreams when i was married and would be so upset for the day. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't rationalize the dream. i was actually scared, upset, hurt, and mad. now that i'm divorced, i dream that we're still together and happy and i still wake up scared, upset, hurt, and mad. we're not together. we're not happy. and i still hate how real these dreams feel to me when i'm awake! how do i remember tis just a dream? i think these feelings are meant to follow me into the real world. i think our dream world is where we can explore what's boiling underneath…especially the issues we're having trouble acknowledging and facing.

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