Yeah, and drunk.  Okay, so I look like ass in orange.  It’s my hair.  I hate saying it, hate even more, typing it, but I’ll say it now, I look wretched in orange.  Even in the Love Me, Love My Dog shirt (sorry Kim).  But, what the hell, I’m going there now.  I look like ASS in Mario Badescu skin care drying lotion.  First off, it comes in a vile.  You dip a q-tip into the bottom of the jar and capture an orange goop, which you later dab on your face.  Let me back-track now.

In college, I had a boyfriend.  He was a football player.  He was older, and in a word, brilliant.  Ironic?  Yes, but quite true… to this day, he is one of the funniest, smartest people I know… even though he will no longer talk to me… "It’s too hard."  He was my best friend who I wanted to attack.  He was perfect for me… if only he knew about the whole… you know, decisive, I’ll be honest and true thing.  He had short arms but a very big heart and a brilliant mind.  The important part here… he showed up at my dorm one day, and the desk official made him phone up before allowing him to enter the premises.  "No, he cannot come up," I told the official.  He was pissed.  It had nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with vanity.  I had mushed an entire avocado over my face, under my mother’s advisement, and I was not about to allow him to enter my room while I looked like I’d just eaten out a salad.  He felt rejected and wanted nothing to do with me.  It was the story of my life, and I was only in college.  So if today, any man comes a knocking in the middle of the night, he needs to understand about my obsession with Mario… and he can’t take it so personally.  I swear, there’s room for everyone in here. 

This is bad to post, but here’s the thing… I so don’t care.  This isn’t about "right," it’s about what I want… which is beautiful, messy, and unedited… just like me.  What I’ll never do again… I’ll never make it about some guy, even him, the one I want more than anyone. Forget that he won’t believe it, forget that he’ll fear me, forget, for even a moment, that he’ll fear I’ll change my mind… because that’s exactly how I’ll feel. Whatever I’ll say, he’ll cough up to needy, up to vulnerable, up to timing, and he’ll question it. “This can’t be for real,” and he’ll wait for a shoe to drop. He’ll wonder when I’ll change my mind and cough it up to “something I was working through,” and it won’t matter how sure I am because at the end of the day, “sure” is just another four letter word. And actions speak louder, well you know. And that’s something I can respect, because, at the end of the day, after all the conversations and emails, it’s what happens, it how we choose to spend our time. That’s the real tell… not whether we roll our eyes or change the subject… the real tell is how we spend our time. What I’ll never do again… I’ll never make it about some guy. At the end of the day, it’s not about him. It’s about us. Not Stephanie, not him, but us. And that’s new for me. I know there’s nothing tangible to hold here, other than my conviction in respecting, and quite frankly, being proud of, a man who doesn’t always give me my way, but instead respects himself, and in turn, us. That’s a man worth holding. And, I’m willing to see where it goes even if it means opening the door and revealing a girl with a face full of avocado and Mario Badescu.  It’s putting vanity aside, vulnerability aside, and jumping.  I know it might suck if I jump, but if I don’t, it’s like having a flawless face but having no one to admire it.  What’s the point there?



  1. It's like Mel Gibson said in Conspiracy Theory – you have to make that jump – Throw caution into the wind, expect the worst and hope for the best. It's Geronimo.

  2. No one is flawless and no one who you could truly want to be with expects flawless. It’s way to intimidating.

    Your vulnerabilities and imperfections are as much a part of you as anything else. Opening up and allowing others to see this, well, this is what we reveal when we’re truly comfortable.

    The sooner you realize that someone will love you for your flaws as much as for your other, perhaps more redeemable traits, the sooner you'll be able to let yourself be open to anything. And then you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for.

  3. I have really enjoyed the fact that you make yourself vulnerable and I know that when you find "the one" he will appreciate that in you….avocado and all.

  4. Those midnight applications can destroy entire generations of people that might have existed. Oh well – at least you look nice.

  5. Hey, who stashed the self-centered bitch that talked about shoes and shit?

    Only kidding

    Very honest, very open, hope you get to impliment this plan soon with someone worth-while.

  6. I like being comfortable enough with someone to let them see me at my worst.

    It's so hard the first time, but after it's over I realize that it wasn't as big of a deal as I had thought. It was actually kind of nice…

  7. Schiller wrote "It is only through beauty that true freedom is found", allowing us to realize that sometimes, even at our worst, there exists in our bareness and vulnerability a rarer form of beauty still. Once that realization is made, it is easier to be free of doubts, to have more faith, to open the door in orange and green, and to make the jump without regret.

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