He knows he can have me.  It’s something he won’t forget, like his own birthday.  He knows I’d leave you if he asked.  If he stepped up, said, “ready.”  If only he’d say so.  Save you from you.


He knows he’s what I’ll hold out for.  He’s the cards I won’t fold, the money I’ll count under the table.  He’s the call I’ll want to make upon receiving news.  I’d call you wishing it were he.  Everything would be wishing it were he.  He’s the everything, except here with me. 

He knows I’m looped around his finger, the one I’d use to point you to the door if he stepped back through mine.  I’m swept up by his hurried gait as he brushes right past me. He can’t see past he, except to see how I see right past you.   

He knows I ache without him, but my wounds live with you.  I’m with you because you can say everything he can’t.  I’d say goodbye to you with his first whisper of the H in hello.  I’d bring him the moon, even if he asked for another once I brought it down.  You’re my second choice, and I’d be there in seconds, even if he complained I was late.  I’d bring him everything, including an end to you and me.

You can’t see past how he passed on me to see how I see right past you.


She knows she can have you.  It’s something she won’t forget, like her own birthday.  She knows you’d leave me if she asked.  If she stepped up, said, “ready.”  If only she’d say so.  Save me from me.

She knows she’s what you’ll hold out for.  She’s the cards you won’t fold, the money you’ll count under the table.  She’s the call you’ll want to make upon receiving news.  She’s the everything, except here with you. 

She knows you’re looped around her finger, the one you’d use to point me to the door if she stepped back through yours.  You’re swept up beneath her hair as it brushes right past you.  She can’t see past she, and you hardly notice me.

She knows you ache without her, but your wounds live with me.  I’m with you because I can say everything she can’t.  You’d say goodbye to me with her first hello.  I’d bring you the moon, even if you asked for another once I lassoed it down.  I’m your second choice, and I’d be there in seconds, even if you complained I was late.  You’d bring her everything, including an end to you and me.

I can’t see past how she passed on you and how you see past me.   



  1. Oh Stephanie that was beautiful and I understood every word. I felt it and it made me cry. Thank you so much for your kind words last week. They helped immensly. Although I am still hurting, each day gets better. He's found someone else too. I miss him but I won't let him know, my pride won't allow it. I'm taking care of me.

  2. It's like the saying goes… "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." How unfair. Excellent post. Thanks.

  3. Oh, that is so good, Stephanie.

    The killer:
    "the call I’ll want to make upon receiving news"

    So. Good.

  4. Beautiful…absolutely beautiful. Who among us HASN'T been in a situation like that?

  5. I've been reading your writing daily for almost a year. This is hands down my favorite post so far.

    So beautiful, I almost cried!

  6. I hate how true this is. I hate how much it could be my secret mantra. Will there always be that 'one' that we can't have? I fear it may forever be my plight. This was very well written and felt so horrible to read that I know it's great.

  7. See, after watching Closer, which this post reminded me of, I'm momentarily convinced that life is less hassle without sex, or without love, without one of those things at least. They interfere too much with each other.

    Not sure how this comment is relevant, but I felt like saying.

  8. This post is tragic and beautiful, so painful and so completely true that it hurts. It communicated exactly what I've felt – what we've probably all felt at one point or another – but couln't convey in words.

    Just like Alecia, I've been reading your blog for a long while, and this is by far my favorite.

  9. I try to be as honest as I can, but in the end,
    I’m really just afraid. Isn’t that it?
    Afraid that after examination,
    she will find the cupboards bare, the drawers empty
    (save for the booze and a few aching words).

    Better then that it end before the truth of things.

    Maybe it’s best that the sun
    Hides behind the clouds;
    Maybe I save myself
    Some small measure of embarrassment,
    Some small measure of humiliation,
    when I fail to strike the nail on the head.

    Maybe I save the full salvo of who I really am
    For myself—the only one who can bear the truth.

    She makes me happy, despite it all.
    When I am with her (for however long)
    I forget all the hurtful things that went before.
    I will never forget that they happened,
    But she helps me forget that they hurt so much.

    She could have been the one who made it all change;
    She could have been the one who made the last ten years worthwhile;
    She could have been the salve for all my scars;
    She could have saved me.

  10. I have read several posts of your blog and never felt compelled to comment. This post was so cleverly written and truly struck a chord with me. I am she. And I plan on calling him this evening. Especially before he hurts her anymore.
    Thank you.


    To recover the love that sent me prison like a swift kick, moments notice she sentenced me to this and I deserve it, maybe true I still face decision take the one old love over the last six month’s only vision And she knows she could have it because she knows that I’m a fool and she knows I am dyin and I would say goodbye to you good bye to you Walking tall at the moment at the start of the show hours later she’s arriving and sits with someone I know just to tease me, or intrigue me, shes got me in tow she could call my name as the time gets late and she’s ready to go vision And she knows she could have it be she knows that I’m a fool and she knows I am dyin and I would say goodbye to you because she knows that I am tired and she knows that I’m a fool and she knows that I am dying and I would say goodbye to you.

  12. well, yes, it´s very good- but the biggest merit is in the rythm. amazing rythm and flow, you can almost sing along.

  13. Thanks for inspiring us to not fear our own feeble attempts at artistic greatness. This is pure adolescent high school cliche. Way to put yourself out there- but put this one in your diary and better luck next time…

  14. This was painful to read. The truth is painful and the reality of it in my life is painful. But the words…oh, the words are beautiful. Pain can be beautiful. Amazing.

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