door whores

The thing about doormen, you have to tip well if you ever want to keep any secrets.  I have a love hate with mine.  Are they good guys?  Yes.  One of them doesn’t know "the tail" is the making of a book featured on an Urban Outfitters display table beside the book on mullets. My doormen know way too much about my social life… ah, yeah.  Let this one up without buzzing.  Never let this one up no matter what he says, and never even mention that one.  They know and keep our secrets, tell me when I have lipstick on my teeth, and mostly, they’re a comforting face to come home to when I arrive, late night, wishing I were coming home to another face.  I love and hate them for all of it. 

What I love most about doormen, they’re there to accept spontaneous gifts.  Flowers, peonies, dog biscuits, twix bars, stuffed animals for my dog.  There is nothing better than coming home to a surly fellow who checks his legal pad and jumps in with, “wait, Stephanie, there’s something for you.”  I love unexpected gifts at my door. It shows a sincere interest in my happiness.  It is far more important than any email, any voicemail, and any invitation.  It shows forethought, caring, and risk.  I am so thankful for my doormen, and those who trust in them.



  1. The lovely gifts I can conceed would be wonderful, but have you ever gotten anything positively bizarre? You write of stalkers, so I'm envisioning locks of hair and strange collages made of downloaded photos from your site. Perhaps you could write something about your weirder experiences?

  2. I couldn't agree with you more, the mornings I wake up to flowers on my door step or a note on my car are touching. The mornings I wake up to a stalker email or someone saying they have seen me out makes me want to put the cops on speed dial

  3. Thank GOD for the lower classes! Where would we be without them?

  4. I know every doorman's attention on Saturday is going to be focused on the Belmont Stakes. But if you want to see the 3-year-old that's really going to be something someday soon, check out the Riva Ridge Stakes on the Belmont undercard. Lost in the Fog is the horse to watch for. He's faster than a premature ejaculator. He's won all six of his career starts by a combined 45 lengths. He blew away the field in his last race at Bay Meadows, running six furlongs in a near track record of 1:08. The only knock on him is his regular rider, Russell Baze, won't be riding him. Baze broke his collarbone in a fall two days ago. Edgar Prado now gets the mount, which is a nice tradeoff. So I say, bet the house. Or the apartment building.

  5. That's interesting. I'm not sure if I would like that or not…You have to tip them every time you go in and out of your building??

  6. Please post your address…I'm sure then you'll receive lots of unexpected gifts.

    Sorry, couldn't resist.

  7. It's like having an English butler, if you read Remains of the Day, it'd be just like that, only with less humor perhaps. (ha)

  8. Good tip, Andy. Perhaps the perfect doorman tip, in fact. Totally safe (read lame) bet, paying $2.80 on a $2 investment, so the doorman risks little and wins little but still owes you one.

  9. I hope everyone did as I said and bet their apartment building on Lost in the Fog in yesterday's Riva Ridge. Egg Head, Middle Earth, War Plan, they all took a shot at him but Lost in the Fog repelled every attack, running the 7 furlongs in 21 and two. With your winnings all of you could now pay your doorpeople a living wage.

  10. Doorman? Heck, I would just be happy with a bed, hot shower and nice hot meal…but then again, what can you expect in Mainland China?

  11. Tell me about the doormen. My building has 10 doormen…when the holidays come around, I go broke because of the tips.

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