caution, wind, and other problems

Every morning for the last week, I’ve awoken to a double chin.  Linus is not the one getting fat; I am.  I don’t know how fat because it has gotten to the point where I need to diet for at least two weeks before I can even face a scale.  I awake promising that today will be different.  I come up with a plan and make steps toward achieving it.  I pack a gym bag, complete with socks and a pad lock.  An alarm is set.  I know exactly what I’ll eat for breakfast.  None of it helps.  I’m still a sloth with a double chin and a stomach that won’t deflate.  I’ll drink a lot of coffee so I shite and lose my appetite.  Even Starbucks doesn’t make coffee strong enough to fix fat.

At work today, a co-worker noted, “Wow, you look quite lovely and fashionable in that skirt.”  The skirt was high-waisted and hid everything worth hiding.
I responded, “Please, it’s the only thing that fits.”  It’s a problem.

Hell, I might as well just go off now that I’ve got this whole, I suck thing going strong.  I lied this weekend.

“I sold my car last year, so now I rent.  But if I were to ever buy a car again, it would be an SUV.”
“Why is that?”
“Because my apartment is small enough.  I need space where I can get it.”
“What kind of car did you have?”
“A BMW.”  I had a Saturn.

Video_snapshot_8_1Why did I go there?  Why did I lie like that?  What does it say about me?  After saying it, I rationalized in my head, “well, I would have had a BMW.  Many a MID drive BMWs.  My younger sister has a BMW.  I would have too, if I hadn’t just stuck with my first car from high school.”  What is wrong with me?

And finally, while I’m full of ugly, I might as well have something to show for it.  Tonight, as I iSighted with Chris, I didn’t bother to remove my lover Mario from the bed.  Now I’m sharing him with you too.  At least he loves me, double chin and all.



  1. i'm with you there, chica. after relatively unhealthy days, i often fall asleep so so excited about how great tomorrow will be. i feel that if i could just start the cycle, it would carry on. riiiiiiight. don't be so tough on yourself. those who matter don't really notice our physical imperfections anyway.

    i have a saturn, too. and i love it. i can pack so much crap in it or park it anywhere and never worry about if it's gonna get scratched. the only real negative is tying to make it up big hills w/ 4 people in the car…very disappointing.

  2. I can't see your double chin. You could've posted at least one picture with it on it.:) I bet you're hallucinating like every other pretty girl on PMS. Cheers *grabs her zero-fat yoghurt drink*

  3. Getting started is the hard part, and then you'll find it's easier.

    I'm not talking about exercise. I'm talking about lying.

    You're doing the right thing, though. You're starting with small lies. Too many times beginner liars overdo it with "I had sex with Winona Ryder last night" and then they find they can't keep it going, they give up, and then it's all that fattening honesty all over again.

    Keep working at the small lies–BMW, good!–Soon you'll be onto big lies, and then Stubbsian lies and the next thing you know, your girlfriend is going to confront you with e-mails she found and then she's tossing you out of the apartment.

    Well, you know what I mean.

  4. There's no ugly to see here. I think you're a little to preoccupied with that. You leave that mean, cold NYC and come to KC…you'll be beating them off with a stick…

  5. No worries, man. You look awesome.

    I know it's hard for me to get back into the whole exercise thing after being away for awhile. Don't worry, you'll hit your zone.

  6. "How can you say you look fat? You are so pretty and skinny and your writing is beautiful and I love reading your blog every day and you've changed my life and I wish my life was as fabulous as yours."

    Feel better now?

  7. I love you Fishin4Compliments. You bring insight to this blog.–Your sarcasticness was much needed. I'm sure you have never felt an insecure moment in your life.

  8. Try and switch to drinking tea (de-caff if you can stand it) for two weeks. You will feel less bloated. Instead of working yourself to death at a gym…go to a relaxing yoga class twice a week. Also, maybe you aren't getting enough fresh air. I know that when I plan activities outside, I feel much better.

    Ease into it. We all hit slumps and just have to suck it up and make the change.

    Best of luck to you steph.


  9. Also, try Aloe Vera Juice. Its much healthier then coffee and has the same effect. I also know the name of a company makes natural pills for it and they are great! I just cannot swallow pills…

  10. you're getting older…get over it

    wah wah…

    because i really want to heard another person whine about how they look older or saw a wrinkle or a grey pube

    it's life…deal with it…in fact…embrace it…maybe you woulnd't be so bitter anymore

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