why I’m websensed

    It came up over drinks on an empty stomach, so I’m not entirely sure how it came up.  But, it did.  And now the conversation will get this blog banned from more work places across America.  Thank you Websense…

    “Yeah, my friend just broke up with his girlfriend because she wouldn’t go down on him.” 
    “Really?”  I wasn’t sure which part I was objecting to, the fact that he broke up over it or the fact that she wouldn’t do it. 
    “Yeah, for a while he thought it was going to get better.  He thought she was feeling experimental.”  He made curly quotes in the air with his fingers while saying experimental.
    “Well did he talk to her about it?” 
    “I don’t know.”  Men never ask the right questions.  How could you not ask that?  “I mean, he asked me what he should do.  Like should he just shove her head down there, or just sit back and put his hands behind his head waiting, hoping.”
    “So what did you tell him?”
    “Actually, I didn’t give him advice.  I stuck with commiseration, did the ‘tough call, buddy’ kinda thing.  Why?  What should I have said?  Should he have had a sit down talk with her?”
    “Ew, God no.  There is nothing more offputting than a talk about needs when your clothes are still on.  God, it reminds me of when my parents took me out to a fancy dinner when I was twelve to talk about condoms.  Do we have to do this here?  Jesus.”
    “So what should he have done?” 
    I thought for a moment before responding, “Well, had he gone down on her before?”
    “I dunno.” 
    “How could you not ask that?  I swear, you’re all basically useless when it comes to communication.  Yeah, sit back and grunt and your luck will change.”
    “Well what does that have to do with anything?”
    “Listen, a woman isn’t going to go down on the guy unless he goes down on her first.  It’s like saying ‘I love you,’ he has to say it first.  It’s the same damn thing.”  That was their problem.
    “Okay, let’s just assume he had gone down on her several times, and she still wouldn’t reciprocate.  Then what should he do?”
    “He should play her some porn and suggest they follow along.  If she gets squeamish about that, then clearly his needs would never be met.  Or maybe, if she protests that much it has something to do with some bj trauma.  Maybe he should reassure her when he thinks he’s going to—“
    “Well, that’s just etiquette.  I mean that’s like opening doors.”
    “Yeah, I know, but maybe she had it bad in the past.  Maybe some guy choked her and she vomited or something.”  We both made a face like we smelled it.  “I need another drink.”
    “I need a blow job.”



  1. to all the guys, one bit of advice: find a girl that LOVES to give head if you like blowjobs. not one who does it sometimes, not one that doesnt mind it, not one that thinks its ok, one that LOVES it, and who gets off on it. because, for those who dated girls and got the occasional blowjob (just enough to make you think, "yeah, this would be enough BJs to keep me happy once we are married"), and then got married, you know the story. once they know they have you wrapped up, and you cant get away, the BJs will cease.

    the only guys who still get them are the ones whose wives LOVE to give head, the ones who have girlfriends on the side, or the ones who pay for them at the oriental spa.

  2. I love the last line.

    He would have broken up with her anyway though. It sounds like the lack of head was just an excuse. Or it wasn't much of a relationship anyway.

  3. Yeah, I found out the hard way that someone who does it every once in a while won't do it very often at all after a while. I did date one girl who 'loved' to give blowjobs but I don't finish as easily as some from blowjobs so she got discouraged and it became sparse at best. That drove me crazy…I still like it damnit…

  4. Italian men don't go down on women. It's embaressing. If our friends ever found out we did (which I do not), we'd be branded "The Munchkin" like we all call our one friend.

  5. This could be a real dealbreaker. Sexual preferance and compatiblility, is as important as any other area of a relationship. Although when dating other issues can come into play, for the lack of BJ's. For starters, the trust and the disease factor. My present husband, wasn't getting any action in this arena when we first became sexually active, nor would I let him head south either. That is, until we exchanged lab results. At which point off came the comdoms, and the gymnastics were wild.
    If you can't talk about it responsibly, as a couple, then I completely understand the limited activities.
    If oral pleasure is important to you and not to your partner, it's time to cut ties. Whether it be a man or woman. It's better to find out early in a relationship, then come to that conclusion after a $10,000 wedding and a couple of kids.

  6. I used to have anxiety about going down on a woman, because you never know if she's going to start pissing. Luckily I lived and learned. By the way, that would be totally disgusting if a guy started pissing while his lady had his penis in her mouth. Enjoy lunch, everyone!

  7. Oh, this is turning into one of those chicken-or-the-egg dilemmas.

    I have found, however, that the guy will usually have no trouble saying "I love you" first, if the woman is willing to go down first. (Come to think of it, the guy will probably SAY those magic words either before or during… but rarely after… that activity.)

    Carrying that theory one step further… Whattyasuppose the chances are of the GIRL saying I love you first if the guy goes down first, and really knows what he's doing?

  8. "Anyone" has is right. If you can't live without blowjobs, you HAVE to find a girl who loves giving them. It is THAT simple. Otherwise, you'll cheat, and she'll get half. Who loses there? That's right.

    Italian men LOVE to give oral, mostly because our penises are so small and god told us they were "dirty" for so long. So, Cioa_Roma might have some serious problems. Sorry dude.

    That reminds me of a funny short story. My sister, at 7 or 8 years old asked my mother what a "penis" was. My mother's response: "That's the dirty part of a boy."

    It also reminds me of the best joke ever:
    "What has two thumbs and loves blowjobs?"

    "I don't know, what?"

    Fonzie-thumbs up style pointing at yourself, you say "This guy!"

  9. not reciprocating is a deal breaker. it is a window into more subtle issues. oral sex super matters.

  10. Chris,

    It is always good to follow that joke up with:

    "What's got two thumbs, speaks French, and loves blow jobs?"

    Fonzie-thumbs up style pointing at yourself, you say "C'est Mois!"

  11. It's great and all that, but I don't think you fall in love with a girl based on tounge tricks. Just seems like anything worthwhile wouldn't hing on something like this. And a go/no-go is irrelevant. Yes, I am in a low-head relationship.

  12. A girl has to hold back – if you are too giving in that department, it will eventually be taken for granted. No matter how awesome your skills are.

    Boys – grow up and go downtown!

  13. What the hell is wrong with you guys?
    If you can't talk to your partner, you shouldn't be in bed with them. If you don't want to please them, you shouldn't be in bed with them.

    It's not quid pro quo. It's sharing.

  14. A girl has to hold back – if you are too giving in that department, it will eventually be taken for granted. No matter how awesome your skills are<<<

    And really, WT*F* is THAT??
    Did you learn that in the locker room at your Catholic Girls' School?

  15. "I wasn’t sure which part I was objecting to, the fact that he broke up over it or the fact that she wouldn’t do it."

    That made me laugh so incredibly hard that I missed 99% of the rest of the post.

    I have to go back and reread now.

  16. Ciao_Roma: "Italian men don't go down on women".

    Bullshit. Italian men who want their women to stick around do. And we do it because like it, not because we "have to", or because "she did it first".

    Chris D.: "Italian men LOVE to give oral, mostly because our penises are so small and god told us they were "dirty" for so long."

    Well, I'm down with going down, but I can't say I agree with your rationale. I don't know if you were being sarcastic, but Italian men are usually known for having formidable salsiccia. I guess an unfortunate percentage were "blessed" with breakfast links, instead. Hope you're not amongst them, bro!

  17. Hey Roma,

    Unless you have an audience watching you go down on a woman, what's so embarrassing about it? Talk about our sexual hangups. For the record, I'm an Italian woman, we're not embarrassed about anything. You get what you give.

  18. well thanks a lot, now I can't read Greek Tragedy at work now I get a screen that says:
    Forbidden, this site is categorized as sex

  19. OK, it's all about Compatibility, Communication, Preference, and Priorities.
    You want it? Say it.
    Don't like they way they do it? Try to work on it if it's worth it.
    Do you like the person more or the head more?

    I think if this guy broke up with the girl over this and never brought it up it's one of three things, 1. he didn't like her enough, so didn't even bother bringing it up, 2. has communication issues, 3. just needed an excuse to break it off and this was that straw.

  20. And today that non-bj couple is married. And so are the two people discussing them.

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