dirty dave

I met him for her at Stone Rose.  “Him” was Dirty Dave, and “her” was Pediatrician Patricia. I was sent into relationship battle, clutching nothing more than my dirty martini.  She saw him from across the bar, whispered she thought he was cute.  "So go over and say hello" went over like a fart in church.  "It’s not a big deal.  Man, do I have to do everything in this relationship?"  So I approached Dirty Dave on her behalf.  Who wears a leather jacket indoors?  Who wears a leather jacket, period?  Thankfully, it was an overcoat, not a leather blazer. I’m sorry, but seriously, who would sell a leather blazer besides some man store version of Express or The Limited? 

When I approached Dirty Dave and his friend Sven, yes Sven, I asked him about his outerwear.  "So are you cold in here or what?"
"Not anymore, now that you’re here."  Oh Jeez. 
"Sven, what do you think of Dave’s outerwear?"
"I don’t."  What a great answer. I had a friend for him, too.
"Boys, come meet my shy friends."
"I’ll meet your friends but only after I meet you." So we met, which consisted of a handshake, a smile, and a glass of Chardonnay for me. Yeah right—a glass of “anything but Chardonnay.” 

Dirty Dave is news anchor handsome, but please, I was on a mission for bashful Pediatrician Patty.  "Don’t go passing me off to your friends there Miss Stephanie.  I know you saw me waving at you earlier."  I hadn’t seen him wave, and besides, who waves?  The same man who buys a leather overcoat, clearly. 

Handshakes and smiles are extended before we spring into who’s your favorite Fraggle Rock character.  “Boober.  Sometimes I call Linus Boober because he’s obsessed with laundry, specifically my dirty panties.”

“Say dirty panties again.”  Oh Dirty Dave.  You’re from Tennessee; I so didn’t see this coming. 

Now I’m fast-forwarding to the good part.  Drunken Dirty Dave insists on walking me home.  The part I skipped was when Patricia took off with an ex-boyfriend, and my other friends went home.  During this time, I’ve learned Dirty Dave is very intelligent and attentive as well as handsome.  I’m actually really looking forward to the walk home.  Oh, and that’s where we get into the goods.

“So I know you’re writing this racy book, but I have a story for you.” Okay, I hadn’t asked for this, but okay.  “I was walking down this very street over the summer, and right here—“ He stops walking and points toward a parked car.  “Right here, I was just walkin’ by, minding my own P’s and Q’s—“ Who says P’s and Q’s?  (Though I do *love* that it stands for Pints and Quarts) “When I see this very attractive black woman naked in the back seat of the car, rubbing herself.  I mean, really attractive.  Halle Berry attractive.  So I keep walking but then I kinda circle back.”  He shows me how he walked, then he stops and opens his mouth for a while before saying, “Damn that’s hot.”  My chaperone home then tells me how he climbed into the backseat of the car with her, and how her boyfriend drove them around town while they had seex in the backseat.  For the love of God and all things dirty.

I walked the rest of our journey home in silence before finally saying, “And you felt the need to tell me that story why?”

“Cause it’s a good story.”

“Yeah, ‘good’ if you were going for the whole let’s see what I can tell her so she’ll never let me touch her thing.”  And then I realized, that’s exactly what this blog does for me.  I really am a Greek Tragedy. 

Okay, I’m over it.



  1. "P’s and Q’s" means pints and quarts

    I've so learnt something today! Thank you for that.

    Great story too.

  2. At least he earned his name. I wouldn't be okay with calling someone Dirty Dave if they didn't hop into cars and sleep with strangers on occasion…

  3. He was Actaeon, the chick in the car "Diana in the cave", and like our hero, should be turned into a stag and ripped apart by dogs, which figuratively speaking, has now occurred. I'd be relieved actually. Score one for SK avoiding an STD.

  4. That was an awesome story.

    I doubt, however, that your blog is going to have the same effect as Dave's magical tale.

  5. This expression, meaning "be very careful to behave correctly", has been in use from the 17th century on. Theories include: an admonishment to children learning to write; an admonishment to typesetters (who had to look at the letters reversed); an admonishment to seamen not to soil their navy pea-jackets with their tarred "queues" (pigtails); "mind your pints and quarts"; "mind your prices and quality"; "mind your pieds and queues" (either feet and pigtails, or two dancing figures that had to be accurately performed); the substitution of /p/ for "qu" /kw/ in the speech of uneducated ancient Romans; or the confusion by students learning both Latin and Ancient Greek of such cognates as pente and quintus.

    The most plausible explanation is the one given in the latest edition of Collins English dictionary: an alteration of "Mind
    your 'please's and 'thank you's".

  6. OH my gawd. I thought he was going to tell you he saw your sister defacing an automobile. And then…the disgustingness…Eewww.

    I call my dog boober too by the way…

  7. Very good story, your's, not his (well his to but only told third person). And wait, I thought p's & q's was a flash back to the printing press when the letters could get flipped in the process and you had to "mind" them in order to keep from printing a q in place of p. hmm. Well, whatever, it's your story.

  8. Ah, should have read all the comments before posting mine (or minded my p's and q's). joefriday has all the answers.

  9. This entry turns out to be the best story I've read on your site for a while. Very, very funny creatures, those men that makes up unimaginative stories that they think are hot. Probably something he came up with while getting himself off.

  10. This is probably the most random question ever, but what kind of shampoo do you use? You have the greatest curly hair!

  11. The Halle Berry story is one that a guy tells his guy friends so that he can appear more studly. He is in essence saying that he is so hot, Halle Berry wants him. He is also saying that Halle Berry's boyfriend must step aside while he has his way with his woman. Basically, a total stud. Here's the kicker—It doesn't work for guys to tell a stoy like that to a woman.

    A woman has already decided if she finds the guy studly before the story is told. In this case, our heroine has determined that the guy in question is a dirty or slutty… hardly a conquest at all. All the story did was reinforce her notion about the guy. A stud shouldn't need or be "compelled" to tell this story to a woman. If he was a stud to her, she would already know because she would feel it in her heart.

  12. Dirty Dave…ya a Black Halle Berry with a black boyfriend-has a gorgeous black guy driving the car and wants to fuck Dirty Dave-flat ass cheapo who comes in two seconds,

  13. The Limited Inc. owns several stores, including Express, Lane Bryant, Lerner New York, Structure…

    Gap. Inc owns Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy.


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