wet spot

ONE MORNING I AWOKE ON A WET SPOT in our bed.  “What the hell is this?” I asked you  as I pulled your hand, dragging it over the spot.
“I dunno.” You mumbled.  “Smell it.”
“Why don’t you smell it?”
“Just smell it.”
“It doesn’t really smell.  But it’s not a leak.”
“Must be from Linus.”  Our Toy Fox Terrier’s urine soaked through our high-thread-count sheets, staining our new king size mattress.
“Bad.  Bad boy.”  I scolded, as I looked Linus in the eye.  He ran into his crate, whimpering, his tail between his legs.  He wouldn’t lift his head all day.  “I just can’t believe he peed in the bed.”
“Yeah, I’d help you clean, but I have to study up for tomorrow.” 
So I got on my knees, stripped the bed, did laundry, and scrubbed Oxy Clean into our bed for well over an hour.
“Steph?”  You summoned from the living room hours later.
“Commeer.”  Textbooks and note cards were strewn on our sofa, and when you spoke to me, you twirled your yellow highlighter.  “I had a dream last night that I peed in the bed.” A smile escaped from your mouth, as though you were a child telling your mother you’d broken the living room vase you were warned never to touch.

I wanted to kill you.  I’d been scrubbing your urine from our bed on my Sunday while you watched a football game pretending to work.  “Well guess what?” I asked as I climbed on your lap.  “You’re never, ever, living this down.”  And I smiled, kissing you, as tears filled my eyes.  I was so in love.



  1. A. He deserves to be exposed

    B. That's a hilarious post

    C. You should have peed on his notecards.

  2. as every first year law student *also* knows, you need not prove "truth" until the other side at least makes out an initial claim for defamation… (truth is a *defense*, after all)

    where (as here) there's no special public official privilege, the allegedly false statement has to either cause "special harm" or else constitute defamation per se. defamation per se either (1) accuses someone of a serious crime; (2) tends to injure a person in his/her trade, business or profession; (3) claims that someone has a "loathsome" disease; or (4) imputes unchastity to a woman. Stephanie has done none of these things. one would be hard-pressed to find a profession or trade where a person could prove injury based on the statement that on one occasion he wet the bed. special damages? equally unlikely. wasn't that little legal lesson just fascinating?

  3. Enough. I don't use real names anywhere on this site… and my intention is never to hurt anyone. This post was actually a loving memory.

  4. Guess this is proof that he's "never, ever, living this down."
    It's always strange what parts lasts and what parts fade away.

  5. I just recently stumbled across your blog and I haven't been able to pull away from it. It's a danagerous thing when I should be working…

  6. I think this is a wonderful little story. It does seem more like a loving memory than a revenge-way-of-outing him sort of thing. It showed that her love for him at the time showed no bounds. She was so deeply in love with him that she instantly forgave an act that would stupify and horrify many. It's really kinda sweet.

  7. I never write anything to humiliate anyone. And I sleep quite well with the dog he blamed it all on. I re-made the bed, and now I'm sleeping in it. And, he's doing the same.

    Want to talk about humiliating, go read my hundreds of things about me. Okay, just read number one. I'm not a malicious person; life's too short. Besides, I believe in Karma.

  8. Y'know what? This is Stephanie's blog. Not anyone else's. She can talk about anyone and anything she wants.

  9. Sometimes I blame the dog for the "fart smell" in the room, but never for peeing on the bed! The nerve!!! Good story, good commercial for oxyclean too, I think you should write them!

  10. adorable story. I am happy to know those that are secure enough to look at the past and recognise the moments that were sweet despite the outcomes.

  11. ouch! how totally heinous. that was a fucking funny story, girl; i didn't even see the ending coming.
    and post whatever the hell you want to — that's the whole point of having a blog isn't it?

  12. I have to say I'm loving this post. It's adorable and a great way to pay tribute to a love. I personally don't understand what the problem with is. It's beautiful.

  13. Pet Urine

    My ex kept a cat, Mr. Marmalade, who was hiding in the bedroom, when she made the bed. Now Mr. Marmalade, an orange tabby, was pretty cool. I'm definitely a dog person, not a cat person, but Marmalade was a character.

    Well we both went off to work and as luck would have it, the door was not ajar and Mr. Marmalade peed on the bed. I came home from work, couldn't find him, opened the bedroom door, out flew Marmalade, and the most awful smell. Yeesh. Animal urine, especially that of cats, is so strong in fabric and furniture.

    Fortunately, the edge of the mattress was what took the brunt, and so cleansing with seltzer and baking soda and vodka and laundering the sheets and flipping the mattress from head to toe and opposite side, helped the smell dissipate over time. At least it wasnt by the pillows or the center of the mattress.

    I forgave Marmalade; he was only a cat.

    Like a mini-series though, life with my ex was such a dramatic rollercoaster and her impulsive/compulsive outbursts took the relationship to new chasms beyond which no repair was available. I was glad to end the ride early for marriage to my ex would have been akin to a 9 car pileup on the icy curves of the Sprainbrook Parkway. And life goes on.

    Nice story Stephanie. Thanks for sharing.

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