salma can’t read

… but that’s okay.  I can’t spell Salma Hayek.  (Thanks to reader who pointed that out. Next time I’ll use the Latin Spell Check.)

I can’t even believe I’m listening to this.

“Which nominee do you think has the best eyebrows?” 
“Well, Cate Blanchette is a runner up in this category.  Kate Winslet wins it in my book. Definitely.”  Oh my God, I can’t believe this. “In my studio, we don’t believe in anorexic brows.”  How does this get airtime? “And we don’t believe in waxing.  We like ‘em plump and tweezed.”  How in the name of Oscar does this make it to television?  While I’m on the subject of retarded…

They have dress rehearsal, where they show up in jeans, dressed down and practice walking.  They practice WALKING.  Then they practice what they’ll have to read.  Salma Hayek needs another dress rehearsal and a half.  She can’t fcuking read. She’s almost as bad as that slow chick from Groundhog Day, Andy McDownsyndrome.  Salma presented some obscure award having to do with sound that no one cares about unless they’re in a betting pool.  The woman can’t read!  And we have to listen to her struggle to keep up with the prompter.  Then the mouse beside her pipes in with a “Sounds Good.”  Thanks Penelope.  You’re a twerp; get off the stage.  Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana sucked.  They preformed in front of a fake fireplace, something like a chimney wood stove thing.  What the fcuk is happening to the Oscars?  I miss Joan and Ugly Rivers.  Star Jones “Reynolds” will always be Star Jones; no one cares that she got married, so shut up about it already.  For the love of God, can someone please KILL that annoying chick?  Kathy Griffin can’t approach funny even if she takes a short bus to get there.  She was horrible when she was on that Brooke Shield’s bomb of a show.  She is so bad.  “Oh, ha, ha, I owe you a muffin.”  Oh my God, lady, shut your hole, and go home. 



  1. ***Following: my personal spiel, with no personal judgments on anyone in particular. I mean no harm.***

    Why the masochism? Such unnecessary pain! Why suffer when you can turn the television off?

    I'm being rhetorical, I suppose; there are many things that I've done knowingly and willingly, that I abhorred and hated even as I did them. (Watching the Care Bears movie on TBS, for example. I wanted to gouge my corneas out with toothpicks, but couldn't look away.)

    It's like reading the magazines "Us" and "People" in the supermarket. 'Which celebs have the best fab abs? GET YOURS NOW!' and 'Jessica and Nick: The Real Story'. Grainy pictures zooming in on a zit, or a wrong angle that captures a spare half-inch of belly flab. Vicious attacks on hapless celebrity acts of fashion. It's the same guilty pleasure as eating an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's; you feel slightly ill afterwards. You regret it. You feel dirty.

    Break the cycle! Help others break the cycle of trashy media! Hold an anti-Oscars night, and instead of passing around a vat of collective bile, rent an Oscar-winner from the 40's and open a bottle of wine.

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was hilarious !! i agreed with everything that you said ! hee hee hee ! awesome as usual !

  3. well, from 1 of the 3 straight guys that watched the oscars (and dont let any of us tell you differently, we watched it to look at attractive women, or sometimes attractive women with no bra and erect nipplers (see hillary swank), i can say this about salma: none of us care whether she can read, much less how well she reads. what women may not no, or delude themselves into NOT believing, is that we will give up literacy in a heartbeat to have a woman who looks like salma or penelope. if it came down to "well, you can have this average looking woman (pick one) who has fabulous language skills, or one of these scorching hot latino women, who can barely read, which do you want?" do i need to tell you the answer? i am sure there will be a number of blog fans that will dispute this with me, but if you are questioning it, take a random survey, not of the men in your inner circle of friends, but of random straight males. and make sure they are spoken for, as i wouldnt want their efforts to sleep with you to skew their response.

    agreed about antonio though, i like carlos, but i dont get the breakout Oscar performance by antonio.

  4. Re: Salma. Actually, she can read. Penelope Cruz can, too. The difference between them, according to a producer friend who's dealt with both, is Salma is whip-smart and Penelope… isn't. However, both are hobbled in Hollywood by their respective accents, which remain strong (Penelope, Spanish; Salma, Mexican) and limit casting possibilities. Not to mention that studio execs equate Latin accents with household help. Or, as one said re: Salma and the possibility of casting her in the godforsaken "Red Planet": "Are you kidding? There's no Mexicans in space!"

    However, as far as walking goes, crossing that stage by yourself in a dress that inhibits breathing, in high heels, in front of everyone who's ever known you and/or has the power to hire you again? I'd be pacing like a motherfucker.

  5. Well, I think the Oscars were horrible. It's always the same 5 or 6 movies that win everything. The acceptance speeches run on forever, and nobody really cares that you are thanking your second cousins, aunts, sisters hairdresser. The humanitarian award they gave away last night was a joke. A foundation for retiring actors, with rising medical costs, and film preservation. "Here to help our own." Give me a break, they make million dollar movies, and they need help with rising medical costs. There shouldn't be a humanitarian award for that. Maybe they'll just broadcast the entire show in Spanish next year, then I won't even be tempted to watch, since I don't speak Spanish.

  6. Stephanie – is it possible that humorless Sean Penn has adopted some fake names and started commenting on your blog?

    Re: Salma/Penelope tag-team – ridiculous idea to put them out there at the same time. How about putting Jose Feliciano and Stevie Wonder out there togehter? Penelope Cruz and Nicole Kidman…now THAT I would like to see.

    Anyway, compared to Penelope "there is no space between my nose and upper lip" Cruz, Salma Hayek sounds like Cate Blanchett.

    I thought I was the only one that hated Andy McDowell. When she's "acting" all I can see is the guy holding cue cards off camera.

  7. Who cares if Salma can't read? She's off the charts HOT. It actually makes her hotter that she can't utter a recognizable english word.

    As for Kathy Griffin, I agree – but she's got big cans, too, so it's not all that bad.

  8. Kathy Griffin is hideously ugly even with all the'work'.She should have splurged on a vacation. Andy McDowell is hideously wrinkled seen here in person. Salma Hayek is of Latin descent her name is not .It's of Arabic Origin.It's important.
    Sean Penn is hideously f-ed, up he was once married to the most powerful woman in the world, he obviously never got his balls back and it's showing.

  9. We suffer through such things because it's fun to bitch. I Tivo the show. It took me 15 minutes to watch. Catch the Big 4 and Clint's speech. That was the whole show. Like I give a rat's ass if Beyonce can sing in French.

  10. Faaaaaahck girl. You are so on with this. So on. And who the fuck told Antonio "I was only marginally decent in Almodovar's 'Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown'" Banderas he can sing. And also, why can't someone tell Santana to just stop doing the same tired fucking riff on his same tired fucking guitar, and go back to drinking and beating his wife. Ok, not advocating domestic violence here; it came out wrong…but just go the fuck back to a hole in Juarez and leave us alone.

  11. Kathy Griffin is *the* most annoying person. She is so un-friggnfunny. Why is she on the air? I even hated her in Seinfeld.

    Personally, I thought Chris Rock brought a new perspective to the stilted Academy. And you know what I liked best about him? He genuinely looked soo happy to be there and like he was totally enjoying himself. Good for you Chris!

  12. I thought the Oscars show was great on TV. Loved Rock's put downs on Hollywood myths, loved Sean Penn's defense of Jude Law, loved Swank's trailer trash line and last minute props to her PR maven while telling the orchestra to wait, loved Jamie's story about grandma and what his daughter said to him before he got award, loved Clint's message about age and creativity and his mom at 96 looking great, loved Pacino's riff and Hoffman's drunken dance with Babs, the entire show was great, Charlie Kaufman's nervous little speech, 29 seconds, 27 seconds, the guy is a perfect match for Woody Allen (and come to think of it, Scorcese looks a lot like Woody Allen with those glasses and face) and Mr Mayer's tribute to his wife of 52 years was wonderful, as was Sidney Lumet's salute "I thank the movies." Yes yes yes. The only wierd thing is the entire show was Zana Briski, who made award winning docu about sex slaves in India, their kids, showing up on stage and backstage Internet interview, dressed like a hooker herself, with boobs almost hanging out, no bra, on global TV, and she wants people to go see her movie about hookers? What on Earth was going through her mind when she got dressed that night? Let me see how much of a hooker I can look like and then get an award for telling the white Western world how sad the slums of India are, oh those hookers and their kids there, let me show those kids watching me on global TV from India how I can dress out, too? That was the end of the world, if you ask me.

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