in good company

Let’s try to forget, just for a moment, that I live my life with a soundtrack running in my head a la Ally McBeal.  It’s no Barry White; we’re talking Peter Gabriel’s Solsbury Hill.  There, now that’s out of the way… more than ever, metropolitan men are anti-marriage-minded.  Take any relationship.  The marrieds want details because they feel alive hearing about it, even when it sounds wretched.  Married men urge their single friends to live it up longer.  I’ve been that person, married in bed, urging my single friends to get things out of their systems.  Once you’re on the other side, the grass looks greener. 

No matter the age, if you’re in a city, you’re more apt to hear men speak against the institution of marriage than ever before.  Women like to cough it up in a word: "player."  The guys, though, aren’t players at all.  Yes, he’s over 30 and single, but that doesn’t make him a player.  It means they live in a city, in an active social life, but they aren’t trying to land something by behaving a certain way.  They just believe it’s unnatural to marry when there are so many options and choices.  This is a metropolis of customization and beautiful girls.  If you’re not ready to have children, what’s the point in getting married?  These aren’t new questions.  Most of us love "new," and in "the city," (Manhattanites always refer to Manhattan as "the city") there’s always something better, constant temptation in swinging hips and half-open mouths. 

When Carter (Topher Grace) asks Dan (Dennis Quaid) how he achieved his wonderful life in the movie, In Good Company, Dan immediately says the key is marital fidelity. He tells Carter, "You just pick the right one to be in the foxhole with, and then when you’re outside of the foxhole, you keep your dick in your pants."

I’ve said this before.  There’s always something better around every corner, and yeah, if I were living elsewhere, I’d most likely be married now, with a stately door and an all-American green sweater, barn jacket, of a man.  I’d be happy.  But I’m here in "the city" because I like it here most of the time.  And, I’m okay with the fact that wherever I’ll go there will be someone smarter, wealthier, thinner, more beautiful, and better connected than I’ll ever be.  That’s okay.  ‘Cause I’m here for a reason, and so is he.  All I have to do now is let him find me… and be willing to let him in… and be willing to trust he won’t want what’s around the corner when he can have me.



  1. "there will be someone smarter, wealthier, thinner, more beautiful, and better connected than I'll ever be"

    But 99999 out of 100000 times they won't write better.

  2. i certainly agree that there are many social butterfly males in the city, sampling the pollen from all of the diverse gotham flowers.

    yet i hope you know that there are a handful of us men out there who know a good thing when we see it. there are a select few who know when they have found a good woman and aren't afraid to commit to a relationship.

    i am not so sure that the key to finding this rare breed of male is to "let him find you"… this speaks of a powerlessness that is so visceral in fairy tales, the prince charming will save me syndrome. why are we all caught between this fairy tale romance and the reality of dating? where is the strong greek woman in your tragedy?

  3. I think there's agrueably more strength in realizing that, just maybe, the lack of long term success in past relationships is one's own fault.

    Once a person quits trying to analyze past lovers to death; picking out the traits in others that caused the relationships to fail, and redirects that energy into finding out who THEY are in the first place, then they can realize a more defined sense of 'self'. It would be like taking two steps back, to gain the possibility of one huge step forward. There's nothing wrong with better defining the 'round hole' because that can only aid in later finding the 'round peg' that will become a long lasting fit.

    It's not weak or insecure to step back and wait for someone who is a perfect fit. It would be, however, if someone tried to do that before they knew who they truly were. Kind of like skipping the vegetables and heading straight for the tiramisu, because they're afraid of what they might find buried beneath the broccoli.

    (inane food analogy, no extra charge!)


  4. i had a similar epiphany a few weeks ago after a failed mini-romance. i realized i needed to stand on my own before finding miss right. i needed to be right with myself before integrating a new love interest into my life. we all have baggage, it’s just a matter of how we carry it that counts. the key, at least as far as i see it, is to invest in your self, spend time with your friends and family, live life.

  5. You hit the nail on the head with that one.

    I live vicariously through my friends now that I am engaged to be engaged. But, then they have enough sex and wild stories to go around – they don't need much encouragement.

  6. Yeah, that term is kind of a joke in and of itself. Should have specified that.

  7. Hey Steph, did I inspire this post? See Dealmaker post infra., "grass is greener," etc. Anyway, those so-called players that think there is always someone better are lame – you don't want one of those anyway. However, you hit on something that I've seen very few women say – it was the "unnatural" comment. These guys aren't all bad, trust me, but could be bad for you depending on when you meet them in their timeline. Some guys are not even aware of this either. 200 years ago it was okay for famous romantic poets (the kings of love, right?) to enjoy free-love; Lord Byron and Shelley passed women around, slept with their maids with their wives knowing, etc. They did not think this traditional view of marraige that we have now was natural. So where does that leave us? I don't pretend to understand how women think, but I think you need to let someone who is out of this stage find you. I beleive that smart males in the city that have options (okay, so now we are talking about certain folk, but probably the folk you like – avg. to good or great looking, well-paid professionals or have a trust fund) do not lock-in early. Why would they? When they get tired of running around (becasue there is hard work in that too, or can't take the alone time in between short-term relationships) they settle down eventually – wear that green sweater in a barn or whatever?!? I hope this is helpful and not offensive – I'm one of these guys that moves around (until recently) and by no means want to offend anyone, but's it's the freakin' truth and women should clue in and stop giving us a hard time – it's human nature based on relative leverage. If you're poor and bald, I bet you married your college girlfriend. Not being rude – just calling a spade a spade – and I respect it – smart decision frankly. If you have money and go to the gym every day – bet you are doing what I do (or did?). Me, I'm in a transitionary stage at the moment. I can see the green sweater laying out for me on the chair – just haven't put my arms through yet – but I'm working on it!

    I'll even give you the best way to figure out whether a guy will wear the green sweater: see if the names of many women are in his mobile, even if he hasn't called them in years. It's not sure-fire, but it's pretty good intel. You can't do this right away though – sorry – becasue this guy would have still been on the hunt before meeting you and it might take a few months for him to make the decision to delete names. Once that happens – I think you are with a guy who is "in the foxhole," etc.

  8. Question. How the hell do are you able to write this shit down in your red notebook when the theater is pitch black. I've tried bringing a small flashlight, but it sure bugs the hell outta the people next to you.

    What the hell kinda name is Topher anyway?

  9. Topher's name is Christopher. He goes by Christopher when he introduces himself to others. Topher is what his mom calls him.

    How do I know this? And why?

  10. Robotnik, and you know this how? Really curious!

    I'll be Aria, which suits me because I've always stood solo and listened to the beat of my own drum.

    Even if you're married, there will be someone smarter, wealthier, thinner, more beautiful and better connected just around the corner.

    It isn't fair to group city men as being against marriage, that's reserved for those who live under a facade and that falls under the category of maturity. Also, men live in a social hierarchy. When they begin to realize that members of their pack are leaving to get married, it dawns on them that they either need to find more single friends to hang out with or continue the social order and find a trophy… I mean… woman to marry because sooner or later they'll get older and single men will be few and far between. By re-joining the pack under a different premise they'll still have a drinking buddy or golf buddy or whatever to commiserate with and not feel left out. It gives them new topics of conversations to discuss. It's those who married for all the wrong reasons, because all their friends were doing it or because their once trophy wife is not she was cracked up to be are those who urge single men to stay single. The facade finally comes down and they're faced with an ugly brick wall, or reality.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on men, I have my own analysis for women as well. I just don't want to make this post longer than it has to be.

    I watch and observe. "I'm older and have more insurance."- (Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes)

    The only difference between Manhattan and the city I where grew up is that it's much bigger and more congested, otherwise it's the same. Single life may seem different from when I was dating only in that the scenery has changed, but human nature never changes.

  11. Maria, in a previous incarnation I used to work in the film industry, then the TV biz. But those were dark, dark days.

  12. Robotnik…so you had the #1 Worst Job In America that Paul Katcher wrote about…XXX Theater Mop Boy. I really feel bad for you now and I can't believe that you admitted it too.

    Ok…have a laugh, everyone needs to once in a while.

  13. Tom, I actually had to interact with the likes of those bastards mentioned (Topher…though he is a nice young man)…and if you know me, well..I'll just say the theater mop boy gig sounds good.

  14. Ah yes Robotnik, I know the industry well. I spent most of my working life in radio and the music industry, the bastard stepchild of the film industry.

  15. Just don't call me phanie (fanny).

    Funny, the Wasband and I made a bet once over the song, "The Weight" by The Band. We bet over the lyrics. Loser would have to sing in the street with a hat and couldn't stop singing the song until the hat was filled with 10 dollars from strangers.

    He thought the lyrics were, "Take a load off Annie, take a load for free…" I said, "No, it's 'Take a load off Fanny…'"

    Needless to say, after I won the bet, he never followed through. I loved him anyway, and every time I hear the song I laugh.

  16. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD… you put the load (PUT THE LOAD) right on MEEEEEEEEE…

    Here's my not-so sage advice: Walk down the street if you're with someone who makes you happy, and go straight past a few corners. And then walk past a few more. Say this either to yourself or looking him straight in the eye…

    "Okay, I'm having a good time with you. And for now, I'm content that you are 'you.' I'll figure out sometime later if you are 'HIM'."

    In other words, there'll be plenty of time to figure out if he is "HIM" later. So walk past a few corners and relax.

    Still don't know what love means…


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