EVERYONE CALLED TODD WOOD “Woody” for obvious reasons. Still, I dated him for three months while attending my junior year of college. Most of our conversations focused on food, mainly New Orleans rum bread pudding. We had our share of “no, I love food more” wars. We’d said we’d have a cook off, but it never quite materialized. Things went awry.
The first time I slept at Todd’s, on the upper east side of Manhattan, far from Columbia, it was unscheduled. A walk of shame was involved. In the middle of the night, I woke him.
“I need to leave.” I rocked him in my panic.
“Are you crazy?” He was calm.
“Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“Why do you have to leave?”
“Because I’m not going home in the morning wearing heels and black lace.”
He rolled on top of me, his breath warm with sleep, and whispered, “you can stay until tomorrow night then.” And I went back to bed, on my stomach, facing away from him… because that’s how I sleep.
In the morning, I awoke to a note on his pillow: Red, stay put, I’m working on your walk of shame issues. I kissed the paper and giggled. I love creative boys. My shoes were missing.
I heard shopping bags rustle when he walked through his apartment door. Todd had purchased me an outfit including socks, underwear, and a new pair of sneakers. Not just any outfit; it was adorable. “The deal is, you can wear these clothes all day, but I’m still taking you home in those heels.” So we played tennis, drank wine, and ate until dusk. Then he took me home, and we watched a movie in my bed.
ON THE TOWN one warm pink evening weeks later, Todd invited me to meet his boss and buddies, because when you’re a guy like Todd, they’re always referred to as “buddies.” Todd was a strikingly handsome black guy who dressed in orange polo shirts, played squash and lacrosse, and wore loafers year-round. He was a huge U2 fan.
“I’m so glad you’re wearing a skirt. You have such killer legs,” he whispered to me as he held my hand on the street.
“Why so you can show them off to your friends? Maybe I should go change into jeans, you ass.” I mocked as I pulled my hand away.
“Oh for the love of god, Red, learn to take a compliment. You analyzer.” Then he kissed me on the mouth, and I shut up. Some guys like difficult women. Todd was one of these guys, and I liked that he knew how to handle me.
I wasn’t always hard. One afternoon, after we’d been exclusively dating for three months, while he was at work, he insisted I hang out at his place as long as I’d like. I felt closer to him when I spent time at his place, studying. I liked wearing his clothes. I felt loved in his bed, even when he wasn’t there.
So I decided to be nice and clean, snoop, clean. If a woman ever cleans your apartment for you, and she’s not working for some service, it’s probably just her way of moderating her guilty little inquisitive side. Besides, I wouldn’t get any studying done in his mess of a place. I’m a libra. I need peaceful pleasant surroundings. Oh blow me. It’s true.
He had matchbooks everywhere, clothes strewn about, and lots of random papers, old magazines, and outdated newspapers. I did what I do best; I sorted and organized. Anything I thought ought to be discarded, I put in a bag in the bottom of his closet. I didn’t want to accidentally piss him off by tossing the January 1995 issue of Men’s Health Magazine (which I still call Gay Men’s Health… cause it’s all half-naked guy photos). And in all that cleaning, I didn’t come upon even the smallest stash of porn. And every guy has a stash. He didn’t have an Internet connection, so there had to be something more tangible than a history folder.
There wasn’t. The boy had no porn, no photos of ex-girlfriends; there was nothing incriminating. When he came home, he was visibly thrilled. He picked me up and swung me around his apartment. I loved seeing his smile, as he discovered what I’d done. His matches in a clear vase, now, looked like a funky centerpiece on his coffee table. Wait, you could actually see his coffee table. I was spoiling him, and I loved how sweet we were to one another.
BACK TO THE AWRY BIT. We met his boss and trader colleagues from Oppenheimer Funds—really a big fraternity of cigar-smoking, grappa-drinking, lap-dances after golf kinds of guys—at Bar & Books. Each of the guys had a date, some were wives, and some were arm candy. In front of their dates, I noticed the guys flirting with the waitress. Winks, laughs, brushes against a shoulder. Todd was attentive and made me feel safe. Once the alpha male had to head home (his wife was home with the baby), talk of next stops filled the private cigar room.
“Let’s go watch the game.”
“Yeah, I want to watch the Olympics.” It was 1996; the Olympics were in Hotlanta.
“I want to dance.”
“Let’s go to Scores.”
“Do they have dancing at Scores?”
Freeze frame.
I was a worldly woman, but I assure you, I didn’t know what Scores was. I heard, “let’s watch the Olympics” from one guy, then I heard his girlfriend say she wanted to dance. Then another guy chimed in with “Scores.” Sounded like a sport’s bar to me. You know, goals, coasters, beer. A jukebox to keep the ladies happy, I thought.
Okay, action:
“Scores?” Girlfriend asked with furrowed brows. “Well do they have dancing there?”
“Yeah, they’ve got dancing of sorts.” Ah, I thought, he’ll let her dance beside the jukebox.
“So what do you say, Steph, you up for it?” Todd asked as he looked at me smiling.
“Sure what the hell.” Okay, I thought I was being a sport, agreeing to go to a sports bar, when clearly sports bars aren’t really my thing–especially if I’ve already eaten. I can usually be coaxed to “watch a game” if ribs are involved. All the married people decided to go home.
So we were off, walking to Scores, your fiancée’s worst nightmare, but I didn’t know what was about to happen. “Steph, are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“Yeah, what’s the big deal? And don’t call me Steph.”
“Holy shite, you have to be the coolest girl I’ve ever known.” I loved that he thought I was cool.
“$20 for the guys, $10 for the ladies.” A bouncer collected money. Girlfriend whined, “when do we get to dance?” We were escorted to a banquet in the middle of the room. There were definitely TVs, but I hardly noticed anything besides breasts, G-strings, and straddles. I felt ugly and insecure. I didn’t know what to do.
The waitress’s breasts were propped up on a serving platter. It was as if we were being shown the fish before the chef would cook it. She asked if I’d like anything. I couldn’t speak. So she gathered orders from the rest of the table. Todd leaned into me, “What’s the matter, Steph, you’re not your usual talkative self.”
Nothing came out of my mouth.
The waitress was back, staring, waiting for our drink requests. Todd ordered then turned to me, “Steph, what would you like?”
“To leave.” And I got up and left.
Todd chased me out into the street. “What? What’s wrong Steph?”
“For the love of god, it’s Stephanie. And what’s wrong? Who the hell do you think I am? You have no respect for me. What the hell. How could you ever bring me here?” I was crying now.
“Calm down. I thought you knew.”
Stop play. Time-out again.
Don’t ever, ever, tell a pissed off person to calm down. Relax is worse.
Okay, time-in:
“No, I didn’t fcuking know. But I know one thing. I’m not seeing you again.”
“Stephanie, I thought you knew.”
“What the hell. Do you know what my father would do to you if he knew you disrespected me like this?” I was talking, at this point, to hear myself. I didn’t care if he was listening. I was at maximum drama capacity, arms flying, tears, the whole bit.
“I thought you knew.” He kept repeating as I raised my arm into the air, trying to catch a cab. “I thought you knew.” I knew I was overreacting, that it was a misunderstanding, that he hadn’t purposefully hurt me, but I was already there, with my arm outstretched. I couldn’t take it back. Taking it back meant he’d stop apologizing, and it’s nice when men apologize and kiss your ass trying to get into your good graces again. And he did.
I tried to put the misunderstanding behind us, but It was never the same. I didn’t feel protected by him any more, and even then, back in college, when I didn’t know from Scores, I knew I needed to be with a man who made me feel safe, respected, and taken care of. That night, I left feeling dirty, disrespected, and inferior. My body would never look like one of those girls. I was jealous.
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NIGHTMARE! I'D HAVE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE. P.S. Please don't speak for all women when you say cleaning a man's place is a form of snooping.
I'm baffled. Shaking my head in disbelief. As Letterman would say, "For God sakes," I wonder why in the hell these men in your life just don't realize what a rare gem they've uncovered. George Costanza would say "it's like discovering plutonium." Yet somehow they've managed to, almost effortlessly, totally disrespect you. That kills me! By the way, why be jealous of those Barbie dolls? Shameless male commentary once again, but you've got nothing to be jealous about, AND I'm sure it cost Barbie a pretty penny to buy herself that bod. Screw that, and thanks for the assist down there in Keeblerland. Enjoy your weekend…
I can't see why any guy would want to take a girl to a strip joint. What benefit will that bring him? Also, I don't know why any guy wouldn't just tell his "buddies" that he is going to just head home. "Buddies" who are serious about bringing their girlfriends (and you and your girlfriend) to strip clubs are not "buddies."
I hope you still do not feel inferior to them now. Because if you do, you really need to take a look at that one again (and I don't mean going back there). Inferior??? I beg to differ! They are strippers and that is all they are. First off, they have low self esteem, which is one of the reasons why they do what they do and why they constantly are getting surgery. If they had any other talents, they wouldn't be doing what they do. Sure, they can make a lot of money at a young age, but money isn't everything. Probably most of them do not have college educations. What happens when they lose their looks or another operation won't make them look any younger? What do they have to fall back on? Also, many have alcohol and drug dependencies. Moreover, who would want to spend the rest of their life with a former stripper? How would the guy react if someone recognized his wife from her career (especially if he didn't know)? So, if anyone is inferior it is the strippers because you have so much more to offer besides you being beautiful.
Ok…this post is loaded. It's hard to tell though; listening to one side only. I don't know; I've never taken anyone to a strip club; I've actually only been once in my life. I was embarrassed as hell, so I don't think I'd push to take a woman. I never went back to one myself. Still…I don't know, it's a tough one. "I thought you knew," sounds like a normal reaction. There must've been more there if he stopped making you feel safe. Something's missing, and you're not telling? Also, not to take up arms w/Olivia again, but…the whole spiel about strippers, while stereotypical and sometimes true, can't be applied en masse. I wouldn't put down people to prop others up. You felt like you felt. That's it. People live they way they choose to, I can't pass judgement on their lifestyles; I don't know circumstances. And, yes, if they're addicts it's sad–but life is what it is. We can't prop ourselves up and psyche ourselves into a better corner by looking down on strippers/druggies/addicts/etc.
Obviously, you have misinterpreted me and I did not throw out stereotypes or generalizations. I never said all are alcoholics or drug addicts. Nor did I say they were all uneducated.
Yes, everyone has choices in life, circumstances that affect the choices that you make, and everyone also has regrets. However, there are also other options available when making a choice. People either do not see these options or decide not to choose those options. Why? I don't know. Some make a decision because it is the easiest decision to make, but they do not weigh the outcome or consequences of that decision.
Everyone also has a set of values. It is their values that help in a decision making process. Sometimes you have to go against your values in order to survive. However, you should exhaust all other options prior to going against your values. Once you go against one of your values, it is very easy to begin to go against all of them.
I have never done drugs in my entire life. Doing drugs is a choice. I will never choose to do them. I also choose not to be around people who do drugs. That is my decision and it is also against my values.
You know this is a blog. Everything will be one-sided and from Steph's opinion. You have to take her opinion of the situation as fact. "I thought you knew" was not an appropriate response. When he asked, "Steph, you sure you are ok with this?" First off, he should not have even asked her about going there. Second, he should have said…do you know what type of place this is? If she said sports bar, he should have been like no way…we are heading home guys. Goodnight and I'll see you all tomorrow.
Who we are is easily seen by who we hang out with and who are our friends. You may not agree with that. But, people typically hang out with people who they have common things with. You typically have the same major values as your friends. If you didn't, you wouldn't be friends with them. The same will go with who you are in a relationship with. If you do not have many of the same core values, you will not want to be with that person.
Obviously, his "buddies" did not exactly treat their dates with respect by flirting with the waitress. Also, his values must not have included treating a woman properly. Taking a woman to see other women dancing with their clothes off isn't exactly treating her with respect and like a lady.
You broke up with a guy because there was a misunderstanding about a strip club? Why didn't you pick up on it when he said "dancing of sorts", or ask questions? Does the concept of a strip club offend you? If so, why? Most girls I know think strip clubs are fun, they are made to feel more welcome than most of the male customers. I've been probably, oh, 5 times, and it wasn't all that great, but there wasn't anything horrible about it either…there are so many holes in the story I don't quite get the point, I guess…next…
dude, I'm stuck inside, stupid snow. This was a good read, when are you gonna compile it into a book? It would be nice to read on a day like this.
-emma
I've been to a strip club with boys and thought it was fun.
I did not, however, go with a guy I liked and I had to mentallly prep myself for it- you walking blindly into that sort of situation (almost) excuses the reaction you gave.
A little much? Maybe. But it's easy for me to say now…if I'd had the same thing happen with a guy I clicked with so well I'd feel betrayed. Good for you for not settling.
Disclaimer: Let me first state that I'm a big fan of Stephanie's (she is just adorable!), and have recently become a "Greek Tragedy" addict.
Now that we're past the disclamer, I'll say that this post illustrates Stephanie's gross overreaction to a semi-innocent misunderstanding (Three's Company, anyone?)
It's one thing to not like strip clubs, or be against them on principle, but to break up (even if only temporarily, and in the heat of the moment) with a guy she adored over this misunderstanding is ridiculous. If my math is correct, she was only 21 at the time, so I guess we can let her slide on that, alone.
Todd obviously didn't intend to hurt, disrespect, demean her, or make her feel uncomfortable, but she reacted as if he struck at her very soul. To the charge of reading way too much into a situation, Stephanie is guilty, guilty, guilty.
SK – He gave you warning signs. "Are you SURE you're OK with this?". What did you think he meant? And how many plain ol' sports bars do you know that charge $20/$10 cover? For a worldly woman, you should have seen a red flag along the way. Hell, at least a yellow flag. My question to you is: "How would you react to the same situation today?"
I can understand Stephanie feeling uncomfortable and wanting to leave, but the drama that ensued was a little over the top, imo. What I can't understand is why she "couldn't take it back", once she realized she had overreacted, and why she needed to have him kiss her ass, to get back in her good graces. That's just an immature, manipulative game. IMO, Stephanie's (over)reaction warranted an apology at least as much as Todd's error in judgement.
Okay, I'll add my $.02 here regarding strippers and stripclubs, but first… taking a date to a stripclub is not only tacky, it says a lot about the guy especially if it's a first date. I don't think I'd be seeing him again in the near or distant future.
Olivia, as much as I admire your words of wisdom and thought provoking posts, you speak of strippers as if they were cast offs of society. It seems that you've categorized them from the TV version where they are usually depicted as seedy, cheap, tawdry, substance addicted whores. I graduated high school with a woman who later became a stripper, and several years after graduation when all of us were still in college or working, she worked at a strip club. When I asked her why, she said she was always a closet exhibitionist and wanted to try it out and ended up loving it. The money she made from it afforded her not only a place to live but put her through school. Fast forward 15 years later, I saw her at a party. She was married with an 8 year old son and President and CEO of a savings and loan bank, and even that many years later and childbirth, she still had a kick ass body!
I've worked in the entertainment business for most of my life and I've met many actors, musicians and entertainers from all walks of life, some of them included strippers, Playboy and Hustler models. I won't go as far as to say they have self esteem issues., they know what they want and what they're doing. For some it's stepping stone, if you will. A lot of them put themselves through college because they make good money which in turn helps to pay for books and tuition. Many women don't stay very long in the business because by the time they've gotten their degree, they're well on their way to becoming successful business women or off to whatever career path they've chosen. Yes, some of them do get enhancements, but there are also those who are blessed by the kindness of nature, and there are women who are not strippers who also get enhancements.
It's not fair to generalize. Yes, there are some in that profession who have self esteem issues, but so does the average joe or joanne. Alcohol and drug dependencies? Well how well would one perform if they are constantly high? Their purpose is to entertain the customers, and drunk strippers or those with visible mainline tracks on their arms or legs don't make for a very attractive dancer. Also, a lot of these women know well in advance that their jobs won't last forever, if this is indeed the career path they've chosen; they know their time on the stage will be very short lived. It's the nature of the business. They're also not inferior, they just don't have your average 9-5 job, but neither does a nurse or myself who once worked the midnight to 5 shift as an on air announcer. It's a job, it's a profession, it's honest work, it's a living and it pays the bills, does it really matter if they take off their clothes for a living?
Maria- Well said! It's unbelievable to me how well people can put their opinions onto paper, rather than words, given the forum. P.S. – It wasn't a first date.
Olivia, you're quickly becoming a bit of a bore, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. Backtracking on your strippers/adult entertainers comment with "I didn't say ALL" is too easy. Of course you didn't say "all" but if I go back and read your post about them, I can get a pretty good idea of your bias on this segment of society. Anyway, I won't argue values here because we could go on forever. One thing though, you say you NEVER hang out with people who do drugs. How do you know they don't? There are hundreds of "closet drug users" out there–they are some of our most esteemed figures in society. I suppose all I'm trying to say is this: obviously Stephanie found something in "Woody" that didn't jive with her preferences. I think that in YOUR post you just tried propping her decision up by talking down strippers. And, also, you are a reasonable man so you surely must understand that a lot of people don't have CHOICES to exhaust before they compromise values. IF they go against their values. Again, the values issue. What you may think compromises values or virtues, may not be the same gross violation for others.
Robotnik…reread what I wrote…when you quote me…at least get it right. Just in case you miss it, here it is again…."I have never done drugs in my entire life. Doing drugs is a choice. I will never choose to do them. I also choose not to be around people who do drugs." I did not say that I have never been around someone that does drugs. Once I find out about it, I will try to get them to stop using them. If they do not, I choose not to be around that person going forward. Once again, that is my decision.
You have also repeated what I said about values. "Everyone also has a set of values. It is their values that help in a decision making process." Of course, my values are different then other people's values because I said that by saying “their values” in the statement above. I am not trying to debate what someone's values are and I am certainly not trying to impose my values on other people. Yes, sometimes there are no choices and people must go against their values…and sometimes people do not have that as a value in the first place.
Now for the comment about strippers. Yes, Maria is partly right and what she said can also be used as a generalization for strippers. Yes, SOME become successful in other careers, SOME do it for the exposure as a stepping stone for their career, SOME do it because they need the money, and SOME do it for some other reason. Yet, SOME amount to nothing after they stop dancing. SOME have self esteem issues (yes I said all and I stand corrected on that), SOME are alcoholics, and SOME are drug addicts. Drug addicts does not mean all are shooting heroin. As everyone knows, cocaine, crack, pills, etc. are drugs that do not leave marks on bodies. And finally…yes, stripping is a career choice that I do not look highly upon.
Now lets talk reality here….can someone tell me what the odds are that someone will become a successful actor/actress? How about becoming a CEO of a company? I am going to guess that becoming a successful actor/actress is probably one in a million and this includes people working in all different careers trying to become a successful actor/actress.
We can also sit here and debate what SUCCESSFUL means. Everyone has their own definition of success. Success could mean any of the following: having a lot of money, having a great job, having a great family, etc. What I am trying to say according to my definition, Stephanie is successful and in my opinion she is also more successful than the average stripper.
Robotnik since you are the one who wants color and anger from me. You are the BORE. I don't have a blog nor do I have the literary talent to write one everyday…but you do and you post more on Stephanie's blog then you do on your own. What does that say? You wanted the anger…now you got it.
THE OTHER CHRIS M– I agree with you 100%. That was the point of my writing this. You "got" it.
Well, what does that say?
I like reading. What an abberation.
Olivia, you must be a lawyer–and I'll just leave it at that.
Olivia, I wasn't generalizing, I merely trying to show you that there is some merit to the lifestyle, and not all are inferior or cast offs of society as you described them. You have a right not to like their lifestyle, however, you painted a broad picture of them as less than human. Whether some have self esteem issues, are addicts, successful or not, or amount to nothing, you'll find that in every walk of life, not just in the adult entertainment field.
Dudes (Olivia & Robo)& Chicks (Maria),
Robo was right. You guys can argue this forever. You've all made your points loud and clear {applause}. Who's right? Who's wrong? Depends on who you ask, I guess. If we didn't have differing opinions on subjects such as this, the world would be a boring place. So can we move along now?
I don't have a comment about the post. I just wanted to say thanks for being here. For whatever reason, I'm feeling scared right now, uncertain. Your words and your stories comfort me, like an old friend.
Whew. I sure missed a heck of a scuffle here yesterday.
This is a very good post, interesting, obviously thought-provoking.
I'd just like to add my two cents to the debate a bit about strippers & the "most" of them are uneducated bit. I did a panel at an academic scholarly conference a few years ago and one of the women on a panel had been a stripper during college. She made a lot of money, but eventually quit because of shame issues. So here she was, getting a graduate degree (i.e., very educated), very smart, had made a lot of money doing the work, very pretty, and yet, during the entire time, she slumped her shoulders as if to hide the boob job, to hide herself.
She felt ashamed, even as she was revealing very intimate details. And she was empowered, in many other ways. So it's a mixed bag. Even those women who get something good out of it often have issues about it. But at a "nice" strip bar, odds are most of the strippers are not the type Olivia describes. But there are LOTS of not-so-nice places, too.
So the point I think is that while many strippers are NOT the generalization from the background on the Sorpranos, a lot of them do still have issues. That's not so much the women themselves but our whole society. And that would be why young Stephanie would feel degraded by being brought there by a clueless guy–because in our society, strip clubs are not places most people think "nice girls" go very often (which would be why if you were going, you'd have to "pump yourself up"). He knew most women would have issues– clearly he thought so, because when he said Stephanie was being cool, he knew most women WOULDN'T be.
Anyway, the post was about over-reactions, and that part from Stephanie's writing is obvious. And not being able to get back to the "safe" feeling is not as weird as one might think. But the comments also demostrate something about over reactions. It's funny how much heated debate can happen in comments about a blog entry. Feelings get hurt, people get "flame-y". But none of us really know anything about each other from this forum. Who the hell can judge based on the ten or so minutes it takes someone to read and/or post a comment on a blog?
I have actually gone to a clubs with girls… who were friends. Of course no one in their right mind would take a "girlfriend" on a date to a strip club.
All the girls who have gone had looked at it as a curiosity and no one has given negative feedback. In fact some wanted to go back again. It may be part of their curiosity about finding out what men get up to in these so called clubs.
Talking about the girls who work. Because the club was run by a friend, over time I have got to talk to many strippers. You find they have come from many walks of life. There were single mothers, students, those who have taken it up seriously as a job to earn a quick buck. Just like any other job they take it seriously…. from giong to the gym daily and on the finer points of the best way to glide down the poll to what to wear.
Many girls who work in the London strip clubs are educated foreigners, who will always face the prejudices of the local job market as they may not have the right papers or speak with the right accent.
You may also realise that "porn" is moving in to mainstream entertainment.
You also need to differentiate between stipping and prostitution. Those who go in to prostitution do seem to have more psychological problems or attain them with time.
Wow, you're totally Carrie Bradshaw.
Stephanie, did you take off Otranto's other post?
I know this comment comes a little late.. but I discovered greek tragedy :)
anyway… the truth remains on the eye of the beholder. I am a very easy going girl and probably would have just sucked it up and not say anyhting about it.. but you know what? I shouldn't .. and it is a good way to learn that sometimes sucking it up is not worth it. Usually guys just like to test boundries and see how much they can get away w/ .
Ms. Klein,
Let me first begin by admitting that I realize my comment to this blog is grossly out dated as its clearly an old posting of yours. However, having just read your memoirs, I'm new to your site and gobbling up each piece of your writing like the giblets in my grandfather's Thanksgiving gravy. Each word is delicious.
Next, I have to say something relevant here… Which is that I've fallen into the EXACT same trap! I went to Scores with my then boyfriend and several of his friends and was named "the coolest girlfriend ever" as we made our way in a long caravan of cars full of excited boys to what I thought was also a Sports Bar. LOL!
I have a blog on MySpace and would be honored if you read some of them and gave me some feedback. Your book has, in no exaggeration of the phrase, made an impact on my life that is irreplaceable. My only regret is that it didn't take me longer to read it as the pleasure and wisdom I gained from each chapter and experience of yours has enlightened me to no end.
Thank you for sharing. Its uplifting to know that there is another woman out there whose gone through similar woes of life, made it through gracefully and above all, with a sense of humor. Life is about learning as we progress through our own personal journey… Cliché, yes, but oh so true.
AC – Baltimore, MD
You should be ashamed of yourself for manipulating a man you supposedly love to the point that he is feeling horrible and apologising for doing something wrong when he didn’t do anything wrong.
I hope you have learned to be a better person and to realize that you were being a bad person. You should call this person to apologise.