patching things up

ass patch

I want to talk about this “more than 4 million women have used this” birth control patch. First off, in the commercials with the models skimming over the “heart attack stroke warnings” the patch is clean and neat, like a fresh pedicure. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s all bullshine.

Just forget the health risks of it; you spend over $300 on a pair of shoes. You should only spend so much on your pair of ovaries. Let me tell you this warning side effect, beyond shortness of breath and blood clots; no one will want to fcuk you again. We’re talking crust. The patch, in only a day, leaves a ring around your collar… ahem, a crusty ring around your patch.

Picture it: you stick a patch on your ass. Go ahead; let him spank it. Guess what? Just as he’s backstroking and ready to let gravity take over and paddle your ass for the erotic moan, he’ll get a glimpse of your crust. You washed with Dove, perfumed, and lotioned, and now you’re the crusty girl. You can’t wash the patch. You’re stuck with it, and I promise, no amount of care can shift the movement of lint sticking to your sticker.

We thread our brows and mow our lawns; now, girls, it’s no time to patch things up. The patch, my good friends, is for ripped jeans, not your ass, shoulder, abdomen, or ovaries. Lose the patch; embrace the pill. You wear the Ortho-Evra for a week before changing it; what else in your life can you say that about? Exactly. Enjoy the condom, despite the smell. You’ll feel less guilty. It’s bad enough you still don’t know his last name.



  1. And I thought the gunk that collects on the side of a band-aid was nasty! As serious as I know this is, your description of it makes me laugh. Thanks.

  2. Are you speaking from experience? Was this a "sign" that you unintentionally exposed to one of your recent dates? Or, as I suspect, is this post simply a sign that your recent dates haven't progressed in the direction that you desire?

    If the guy is hot for you — as opposed to you being just another conquest — he's not going to care much about about a little crusty patch (unless that 'patch' happens to be your pubic area). Either your imagination is getting the better of you or you're fucking the wrong guys.

  3. I wondered about this too after a brief encounter with one of those "warming patch" thingys that you are supposed to be able to "wear all day" and they "gently warm" an achy spot. I know it's different, cause it has a different adhesive and all, but it was a real real pain in the neck. So I figured any patch you leave on all the time would be icky.

    You know what method of birth control I loved? The sponge. Remember the episode of Seinfeld with the "Sponge worthy" thing and Elaine? I mean, it had it's drawbacks, but they were, for me, minor. I always wondered why they got rid of it. (I'm sure people were using it improperly and getting sick….that ruined it for everyone.)

    But I hate condoms, too! Lucky for me, I rarely have to use them (having gotten married younger than I planned and being on the pill forever…)

  4. Can people stop assuming I'm having sex? Cause I'm afraid to report that I'm not. Last night, I returned home from a few events, quite soused to the gills. As I uploaded photos, I overheard a television news program about a woman who died from using the patch. I used the patch for 2 months… about 2 years ago. SO BACK OFF WITH TELLING ME HOW TO GET LAID. Pahleeze.

  5. 2 things:
    first, i am thankful for frank details like that, thats the truth of the experience that i like to know about and many don't mention.
    second, for one of the commentors, they just reintroduced the today sponge back into the canadian market after it was removed for a number of years. come over the border, we have what you are looking for!

  6. I stopped using the patch a month ago. I had been using it for a year.

    The reason why I stopped?

    I have many [many] square shaped scars on my lower back, and lower front region. I decided to give my skin a break.

    Another benefit.

    I don't have to pay the friggen 35.00 copay every month.

  7. Steph, Love your response. I just think people want the best for you. That includes getting laid. Then again there are some pervs out here too.

  8. Kim, I think one of the reasons why the sponge was taken off the market is because women were getting pregnant! 4 of my friends did! Not from improper usage, but because they weren't as effective. If it's been re-introduced in Canada, then it's possible it's been improved. Perhaps it's less spongy?

  9. My doctor was all about pushing me into it and it was DEE-sgusting. A bandaid looks bad after 24 hours but you're supposed to wear this thing for a week?! Then it leaves an irritated red mark and you have to find a new spot on your body to deface the next week. I can't handle a dust bunny in my apartment but I'm supposed to put up with gunk on my hip? Glad to hear it's not just me.

  10. Yeah, I have 6 lovely scars from the patch. My fat but stretchmark-free body has been marred by the patch and yes, they get gross, to the point I didn't even want to touch it. And I would have been a little freaked out to notice a nasty-ass sticker on a secret part of my lover's body while removing his clothes, so maybe I'm the wrong kind of girl.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.