to carb or not to carb

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Monique and I are in the garden of Paradou. It’s June, time for salmon, asparagus and truffle oil, followed with strawberries and fresh clotted cream. We get half way there with a pressed mushroom, asiago, asparagus sandwich. And sure, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. Here’s what follows:

Metroseexuals can’t kiss worth their weight in Prada. They read articles about kissing and taking control in GQ and call it a day. They practice their I’m in control and going to have my way with you stare in the mirror. Then they spend another twenty minutes seeing how their sunglasses look when pushed onto their head. That about covers it. No, then back to the magazine for low-carb recipes. What in the hell is happening?

If you’re a man watching your weight, counting those carbs, do it Off Peak, please. While dining with a lady, if you happen to eat your burger without the bun, anticipate ‘visions.’ The visions flashing before your date’s eyes are not of muscles braiding around themselves, nope not washboards either. Here’s what she sees: your double knotting, your Brother P-touching the house, your racing to the bathroom after seex to clean, your holding surprise inspections of your children’s sock drawers. All that from a missing bun? Oh yes. See, a man who 666s the carbs, sucks in the bedroom. It’s about passion, depth, and soul, about not caring if your hair is perfect. Its singing with your eyes closed, I’m in the moment and don’t care who’s watching Hot. It’s all about a man taking what he wants, about living life without Men’s Health magazine. And if what you want is not to have carbs, it’s time to leave the city. If you can’t let it go, you’re never making it upstairs to her apartment. You think I’m crazy, well, you’re right. The good ones are always a little crazy. That’s why you like us.

If I wanted a lady, I’d curl up in bed with my remote and The L Word. And if you’re squeamish about that, go home and stop masquerading about town as available. Take a nature hiatus and join us in November. Maybe by then, you’ll be back on the carbs, just in time for stuffing.



  1. Hey, I'm just checking out some new journals and so I thought I'd stop by and say hello.

  2. Steph,

    Found your blog yesterday and I am addicted to your superb writing style. You are amazing (and beautiful as well.)

    Now, I just wanted to say, ok, you said you went to fat camp…I'm surprised, I'd have thought you would abhor carbohydrates.

    Don't you think a guy who has solid understanding of Dr. Atkins' research (which proves beyond doubt that high consumptions of carbohydrates causes the body to store fat rather than burn it off naturally as it should) deserves some sort of merit?

    You said guys who avoid carbs suck in bed. Why do you say that? I am 6 foot 5. I once weighed 210 when I was in a horrible relationship with a very obese and controlling woman. I dumped her and read Dr. Atkins' book, and quit eating carbs (not entirely, but I severely cut down.) I lost 45 pounds in 2 months and it never came back. I have felt great ever since. And (this is not a brag) I more than satisfy my new girlfriend.

    America is addicted to carbohydrates and MSG. We are the most carbohydrate-saturated society in the world. Tourists from other countries usually put on 20 pounds when they visit here. Not to mention we eat so much genetically modified frankenfood without question. You know, 80% of soybeans are genetically modified; also, Aspartame, the main ingredient in "diet" anything, is actually a slow acting poison (read more at which causes multiple sclerosis, brain tumors, and cancer. Did you know that aspartame (phenylalanine) breaks down into methanol and formaldehyde at temperatures above 81 degrees F?

    Well I'll quit ranting and let you read up on Aspartame. I just don't get why you wouldn't be impressed with a guy who does his homework & recognizes these health hazards, and more importantly, recognizes the complicity of our greedy government in allowing these hazards to be so omnipresent in our society.

  3. i find you're racist when you indicated in your post "wax on" that you classify indians according to their "dot" or their feather. you should reconsider your choice of words. better phraseology would help for more enjoyable reading.

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