dating cliches

<span class=”dcap”>M</span>y father’s wife invited a lawyer to their home to negotiate her parents’ wills. On the somber occasion, along with the cookies and coffee, maybe some huggy bear tea, she offered him Debbie. “She’s single, and fabulous, and here’s her most flattering misleading photo. She’s really older and fatter, and that lighting is a god-send.” Okay, that might have been her inner monologue. Debbie and lawyer actually met. (Can you hear it? Match maker match maker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch?) Lawyer is smitten. Lawyer sends flowers… to my father’s house. “Thank you for introducing me to such a fantastic woman.” Now that, dear reader, is Klass.

I’m about to hit a sore note. I’m sure of it. If you’re in a relationship with a woman, you’re probably not doing enough. Let’s face it. You’re too damn complacent and comfortable. You stopped doing the half stand bit when she excused herself from the table after she told you she loved you. You’re a cliché now, pal. You don’t send her flowers anymore. That’s right, worse than a cliché, you’re now a Barbara Streisand song. And believe me, SEND is the key word. Cause bodega markets are all well and good (but only for midnight cravings, not flowers) but taking the forethought to send it to her office, well, that’s a power move, my friend. Indeed. And if you’re courting a woman, lean in close, you should do just that. This whole aloof nonsense is just plain silly. Here’s a tip. If a woman likes you, it doesn’t matter when you call… she’s diggin’ you either way… um, unless you wait too long. Then it’s don’t waste my time you player, and yes, I do hate the player, not the game. Be original, ‘cause we’ve all seen Swingers by now… And two emails and an IM do NOT equal a phone call. Just so ya know. Okay, that’s all the inside info I can give you tonight… or else I’ll have authorities after me. Cause you know we’re a sisterhood, operating behind a big velvet curtain. It’s not OZ; it’s NYC baby. And you’re here… at least for the moment. Oh and ladies, you’re not off the hook either. See as good as seex is, a blowjob is courting. So grab a pillow and get on your knees. Well, only if the flowers are forthcoming…



  1. I didn't go out. I didn't pack. I didn't do anything. I just plain didn't.

    I am sorry.

  2. Since blogger doesn't yet support trackback, I figure I have to do this here… so go read my July 21, 2004 entry on, thanks.

  3. Hi,
    I just came across your website and simply put, it kicks ass. I'm a songwriter/singer/lead guitarist, and my band has performed at the Knitting Factory, Mercury Lounge and Stephen Talkhouse. Lately I've been on quite a creative streak, writing about a song a day for the past couple of months. What I was thinking is turning some of your writing/thoughts into actual songs which could be pretty cool and something that I should be able to do quite easily. If it sounds interesting, please feel free to email me at
    Thank you,

  4. this is something i think guys dont win on. im the more independant type so im not the kind who likes to call but i have seen those who do call end up being labeled needy. its a bit of a catch-22 if you ask me.

    i have realized my ideal girl is out of state, it makes things a lot easier. dont get me wrong i do realize out of state relationships are a lot harder but at least when things go seriously wrong and the relationship breaks there is a lot less awkwardness and a lot more moving on.

    i value face to face time more than calling, sending flowers is always tricky and has to be done with style.

    and yes i know that certain ideals i posted are conflicting but it all works out somehow i promise.

  5. Never generalize about any of that. FLowers and such can fall flat and worse if they're pushing some agenda or if she, well, doesn't really dig you.

    Most of the rules work or don't work based on whether she wants you or you want her.

  6. Flowers=blowjob……..I like your styling.

    Your dozen long stem roses (and pillow) are on the way!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.