August 19, 2004



Above all other occasions, a wedding is an event where people get insulted. How could you sit me with that table, you know that’s not my color…how could you have chosen THAT as your bridesmaid color, could you have put me at a table closer to the kitchen, I can’t believe you didn’t invite me […]

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August 18, 2004




I was carrying diapers when it happened. Luvs, actually. The beauty of having a small dog is his craps are rarely bigger than baby organic carrots. So I can encourage him to crap on the floor of my apartment. “Go on the papers. Go on the papers. That’s my good sweet bean.” Okay, not on […]

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August 17, 2004


an exercise in digression

My father has IBS. It’s not a degree; it’s a disease, which people will Rolodex as a condition. It’s not one of the big ones people whisper; it’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Bowel sounds an awful lot like bowl. What an appropriate condition, as my father and I discuss the shape and condition of his terds […]

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August 16, 2004


it’s about time

It’s inevitable: the date who brings up his ex over dinner. The butterflies arrive with the entrée. I thought I asked for fries, not flies. The waitress got it wrong. But it’s too late; the menu reads NO SUBSTITUTIONS. You look up from your plate and force a smile. He continues to talk as he […]

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August 12, 2004


sample sale

At sample sales, you get your share of elbows and hip-checks. “Oh, I didn’t realize that was yours. You did put it down; I mean how was I to know?” You’re overcome with an intense desire to bitch-slap an older Chanel-clad woman. There’s a bit of freaking out and a smattering of game-time decision muscles […]

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August 10, 2004



My best friend Naomi had pert, rounded breasts, remarkable in size. If there were photos of her on my blog, someone would comment, “Nice yams” and post it anonymously.

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August 6, 2004


like riding a bike


If it were a basketball court, we’d be in the paint. We’re at Stone Rose, in the thick of the action, because Stone Rose is all men, and we’re definitely all women. I’m with my rosy ladies clicking glasses, linking arms, and being cheeky… ‘cause we’re good at cheeky. They’re out of Riesling, and their […]

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August 5, 2004


het nieuwsblad


While I’m tempted to say “Gesundheit”, I will refrain. It seems I’ve made the newspapers once again. This time in Belgium… and China. This is not the same story run in The Independent last week. I went from Euro to Global in a shake. The Belgium paper lifted copy from my site (and photos of […]

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