August 20, 2004

7 Comments

the girl can sing

yasmin_026

View more of the photos >> A straight man resembling Ewan McGregor sings “Patience,” but when he runs over the chorus, he becomes a “tough call.” His friends join in high-pitched vibrato, friends, I am certain appear on CD shelves, wearing ties and muscle shirts, beneath a thin font titled Gay Men’s Chorus. Ewan is […]

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August 19, 2004

21 Comments

italian for beginners

venice

I’m going to Italy for two weeks. I leave this weekend. First stop: Venice. Hitting Cinque Terra, driving through Tuscany (so going the “Under the Tuscan Sun” route by way of Cortona and Arezzo) to Florence, then rounding it off in Rome. Wine, leather, cobblestone, and sunflowers… all that with a gorgeous blond by my […]

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August 19, 2004

7 Comments

insulting

Above all other occasions, a wedding is an event where people get insulted. How could you sit me with that table, you know that’s not my color…how could you have chosen THAT as your bridesmaid color, could you have put me at a table closer to the kitchen, I can’t believe you didn’t invite me […]

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August 18, 2004

13 Comments

make

the-puppy-shop_1801_3613

I was carrying diapers when it happened. Luvs, actually. The beauty of having a small dog is his craps are rarely bigger than baby organic carrots. So I can encourage him to crap on the floor of my apartment. “Go on the papers. Go on the papers. That’s my good sweet bean.” Okay, not on […]

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August 17, 2004

6 Comments

an exercise in digression

My father has IBS. It’s not a degree; it’s a disease, which people will Rolodex as a condition. It’s not one of the big ones people whisper; it’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Bowel sounds an awful lot like bowl. What an appropriate condition, as my father and I discuss the shape and condition of his terds […]

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August 16, 2004

20 Comments

it’s about time

It’s inevitable: the date who brings up his ex over dinner. The butterflies arrive with the entrée. I thought I asked for fries, not flies. The waitress got it wrong. But it’s too late; the menu reads NO SUBSTITUTIONS. You look up from your plate and force a smile. He continues to talk as he […]

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August 12, 2004

12 Comments

sample sale

At sample sales, you get your share of elbows and hip-checks. “Oh, I didn’t realize that was yours. You did put it down; I mean how was I to know?” You’re overcome with an intense desire to bitch-slap an older Chanel-clad woman. There’s a bit of freaking out and a smattering of game-time decision muscles […]

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August 10, 2004

13 Comments

breasts

My best friend Naomi had pert, rounded breasts, remarkable in size. If there were photos of her on my blog, someone would comment, “Nice yams” and post it anonymously.

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