It’s Wednesday and hot out. The air is a sticky gray, and I somehow made it to work. I can’t even remember transferring from the 2/3 to the S. I swore when I left my apartment that I was going to find a cab. With the month’s catalogs piled beneath my winged arm, I waited. It was hopeless, and I was in heels. The subway was too crowded to sit, never mind turn pages; I didn’t even have pole space… I leaned against the door with one hand on the ceiling for balance (secretly a little afraid that the doors would open on me and I’d fall out and be train trampled). So now I’m here at my desk, in a half-sleep, pecking away at a venti-unsweetened-passion fruit-iced-tea, wondering what to do with my day. I didn’t shower today, or change my underwear. My hair is in a bun; my teeth have not been brushed. I’m tired and should still be in bed with Linus. Oh so this is what it’s like when you give up coffee. I am going to try to get to the gym this afternoon, if for no other reason than to get this personal trainer guy to stop calling me. I’m realizing that I’m in a hairdresser situation. You know, you have a good cut, you go to that same person, religiously, until one day, you hear that someone else just cut Jennifer’s hair, yes, that Jennifer, and you’re ready, on the waitlist, and called. You switch, and get calls from the old hairdresser questioning your loyalty. You are a traitor with a great cut. I hate my personal fitness trainer, his seexist meat-head remarks, his waxed chest and wife-beater tee, the way he says, “you gotta work on yaw hawt…cause that’s the most impawtant pawt of you, ya know?” Still, I feel uneasy calling his boss, saying I don’t agree with his philosophy and would like to train with someone else. I know when I return to the gym, he will be there, glancing at me, maybe do head nod, maybe even tell me if I work out with him again, he’ll do things differently. I don’t want him to look at me. Go away. I’ll just say I’d prefer a woman. Be sexist. The lies I tell at the gym, though, are somehow appropriate. I tell lies to myself, too, to endure cardio. Only two more minutes, then I can get off the damn machine. I never get off, not unless some impatient, wicked woman, goes around monitoring the data boards of the machines…making certain no one goes past their allotted 30 minutes, so she can have her turn. Women like that are usually short with piggy noses, wearing a leotard, and dare I say, sweatband. I have no idea who these women think they are showing up in the gym wearing a unitard just to ride a stationary bike. I just don’t get it. I’m sorry but leggings should remain in all of our pasts. Then there is the whole matter of watching these women disrobe. Locker rooms are daunting. Where to put your gaze when these women saunter around, letting their flapjack breasts just hang there white against their wrinkled stomachs. Pubic hair, I have learned is generational. Women in their 40s at the gym have overgrown bushes, letting it all grow into a pile of hair, wild like a jungle woman who picks and grooms her kin. Women in their 30s have well groomed vaginas, a runway strip, a neat pyramid, and it’s a wonder how a woman transitions from her 30s to her 40s. And then there are those women in their 20s sometimes with Brazilian waxes, or jeweled pubic areas. Yes, crystal decals strategically placed to form patterns. This is really a wonder. Still, it reminds me that I need a wax and an eyebrow threading from the Indian place (dot not feather). Prior to arriving at the salon, I shot down 3 Advil to ward off the inevitable swelling. Helga, that’s right, Helga, tells me to undress in room #5. This is not a porno. In the room, there is a cold doctor’s chair, the metal kind with a short pleather back, that’s hardly a back, more like a strolling stool with a tootsie roll for back support. The chair is sandwiched between a massage table and an overflowing trash pail. This is not Frederic Fekkai; still, it’s also not some hole-in-the-wall nail place that also tampers in waxing and tanning. The “massage table” is also the kind you see in doctor’s exam rooms… with the white translucent paper attached to a roll that covers the table for sanitary reasons. Except today, the paper that is there is flecked with baby powder and stained with oil and…
Into the bathroom, with Gabe in the shower, I peed into the cup. Two lines. The first test I ever took, the month before, I was so disappointed by the single pink line.
Today I’m thinking about the move. Mostly about art supplies. Embroidery skiens, knitting needles, balls of yarn, water color trays, paint tubes, water cups, sponges, masking liquid, colored pencils, smudge sticks. I want to use my supplies, and when they are all burried away in wicker baskets, I end up pulling stuff out, sitting indian style beneath the coffee table in the living room. Instead, I want a space to do projects. A place where everything has its spot, where colored pencils can remain out, and metalic paint and charcoal fixative can remain tucked away. A place where a self-healing cutting mat can remain out, propped up on an artist’s table. I think I need to dedicate a wall in the new office to crafts. The elliptical machine might have to be in the living room. Even if a plank of white coated wood rests on two even storage drawers/cabinets… hmmm. I need to organize life with label makers.
Yesterday morning I made the god-awful mistake of being bored miserable. It was a mistake I suppose because I ought to have forced myself out, even if it was whippingly cold out, the kind of cold where it stings to breathe and you’re thankful for the warm snot that is dripping into your mouth. Okay, so you’re not exactly thankful. I made the mistake of thrusting myself out in it, to bury the boredom, took a wog (walk/jog) to Gracious Home. I finally bought a can of chalkboard spray paint. Now, I have a headache. I slept in fumes. The chalkboard was sprayed onto one of my kitchen walls, the one above the flip out table, the one above where the Linus wee-wee-pad-chucks reside. I used a level. I used a wooden school ruler. Straight lines, blue paint tape. The thing is, that tape isn’t all that sticky, so the black paint dripped beneath the areas I was trying to mask. The measuring was for nothing. Uneven mess. Headache bonus. Now I’ll have to dig up some white paint to even it out. Chalk and felt eraser are now on my to-do list. It doesn’t stop there, you see, because I had to go to Duane Reade for a refill on the pill. Who knows why I even bother with it. It’s sad, really, every time I take a pill, I’m reminded that there is no reason to be on it. Sex. None. My skin is fine, so I can’t even say, oh it makes my skin clear, or oh, it keeps my periods light. It’s a sham. So, there I am at the DR, loading up on TP and cotton balls, then, it strikes me that I’m running low on anti- perspirant. Dove. The thing is, they didn’t have my powder scent. FRESH SCENT was all that was left. You can’t just switch to a new brand, or it takes days to kick in, then you walk around sticky moist, flinching from the smell on your hands as you sniff to see if it’s working. Is that me? So, I buy the damn FRESH SCENT, and it doesn’t smell fresh. It smells like artificial beach. Headache. Finally, this weekend, I went perfume shopping. No man, no dating. Newfound Stephanie… who paints with chalkboard spray in the winter, who writes three pages of longhand each morning, who takes herself out on “Artist Dates” once a week, who now makes an effort to take walks just because. The Stephanie who keeps two therapists incase she doesn’t agree with one, she can bring it up with the other. Consensus. And with this newfound self, I figured, what the hell… newfound scent. Bulgarian Roses from Creed. Plus two samples which came wrapped in shiney paper, packaged like a roll of Smarties. Not smart. Too many samples, not enough coffee beans. Headache. Still, the Roses scent is lovely on my skin, my sweaters will be lovely too… folded neatly in my armoire after being worn, then picked up again in a week, smelling of love and sophistication. Of course, not this sweater. This sweater will smell like artificial beach. Ho hum.