Florida, Abigail, life update tomorrow.

It’s in the universe. And it’s on The Bachelorette. Perhaps you couldn’t give two rosy shits about The Bachelorette, or about my unapologetic need to eat any and all dating candy, but on a more universal level what “happened to Ashley” “happens” to all of us. The air-quotes you just saw, that’s me trying to force you to get my point: that we decide what happens when something happens to us.

For those living under a rock (or with noses in something, I dunno, like a newspaper that reports actual news), here’s the quick story: bachelorette Ashley Hebert was warned by a friend before the show began to watch out for a guy named Bentley Williams, who was—wait for it—”on the show for the wrong reasons.” But Ashley decides that the red in that flag really isn’t her color, deciding to “keep an open mind.” Ashley then fell hard for the 28-year-old dad from Utah. He’d tell her how amazing she was, stroke her hair, touch the small of her back, then, privately, he’d mock vomit, wishing Ashley were Emily (a previous contestant from the same season as Ashley). During his private one-on-one interviews with the camera, he’d trash Ashley’s looks and sling as many insults as he could. Why did he want this attention and what did it serve, acting like an empty ball sack, treating a woman this way, as he models behavior for his own young daughter? Wrong question.

Right question: Why did Ashley fall hard for a guy she hardly knew?

A la Straight Up & Dirty… Women declare their love before knowing how he handles anger, stress, or her when she’s gone and chicked out in a fit of insecurity. She’s practicing her would-be new monogram before knowing how he handles alcohol, meddling family, or texts from his ex. It can’t be “OMG, he’s the one!” before she knows if he’s the one who’s up to his manscaping in debt and mommy issues. Quite simply, like so many of us, Ashley fell in love with an idea. A bad idea.

Insecure, I used to believe that the hotter the guy who liked me equated to the hotter I actually was. This hot hot guy wants me?! And that, right there, is why Ashley fell so fast. Because he seemed hard to get, and she got him. We ask for what we get.

As a viewer, it’s easy to know what Ashley doesn’t and to roll our eyes and judge, but in truth, we’ve all been her. Maybe we didn’t whine as much, but we’ve been the gas instead of the brakes. We’ve been the one to push, to allow, to convince ourselves of who he really is, what we really are as an “us” or could be. We haven’t done it on national TV, but we’ve been a broken record in the face of our closet friends. “I’m just so confused.” “Mixed messages.” “Ugh, I can’t take it! I need answers now!”

But we have our answers. And when we don’t, we make our own, even if they’re the wrong ones. When there are empty spaces, we can’t help but want to fill them. I used to live at this address. If he wasn’t exactly where I was at the exact same time, I’d cut him off. If he wasn’t pursuing me hard enough, I’d end hard, easy. Because it was far easier than waiting for him to decide how he felt about me.

The biggest problem, and truth, standing in my way was this: if a guy is into you, he’ll move heaven and earth to be with you. He’d “sleep out in the rain, if she said that’s the way it ought to be.” Anything short of that full court press made us a no-go.

But… if you’ve given the relationship time to develop, and he’s not stepping up his game in a really big way, if he’s not putting his foot on the gas and making YOU set the pace of the relationship by adding just enough brakes, then it’s time to find a new ride. Because you never want to be on the wrong bus when the right one shows up.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I really don’t know why I’m writing, as I somehow feel all the answers I need are in each of the replies you’ve given to your readers already. But, I do need advice, as I am also trying to get over a guy. I really thought he was the one.

He is a bit of a cliche–he went to the East to find himself, to travel the world, etc. etc., (the Eat, Pray, Love – male version) after his divorce, and after he was made redundant in his job. He’s taken on a profession as a yoga teacher. We met while he was traveling, teaching yoga; I was a yoga student.

I guess he was different–he was sort of intelligent but not an intellectual. And since I, too, traveled a lot for my job and he was traveling, we would follow the other to wherever the other was to spend time. We did spend 4 months in one country together. We had our problems, but nothing so big. Suddenly he bails on me after a wonderful time traveling around China. I’m in one country, and he’s in another (he’s in India, of course). He hints at it in an email, but I actually am the one who lays it down and says ” Yes, let’s break up.”

He had been wanting a relationship and then he became non-committal throughout the time we were together, and I was tired of it. And this cowardly hinting was really not my style. It’s been a month and some weeks– but I’m still ruminating over the break up and am very sad about it all. I have bouts of crying still. I did fall in love with the bloke, and now he’s taken up with his best friend of 3 or more years (another yoga teacher); and so quickly, too!

She was the one he called each time we ran into a bump on the road of our relationship. He’s admitted to me that he has had feelings for her in the past, which she brushed away, then. After his divorce she was there to help him out. I suddenly feel like a trick horse–our relationship, a reason for him to call her and ask for advice. But I can’t get over it all still. I really did fall for him hard. I am hurting so much that I want a lobotomy to remove all the memories of us together! I’m wondering how I can get through this. I feel incredibly used and have somehow lost faith in myself ( even if i know I’m successful, attractive and smart despite being on the wrong side of 30). What do I do to get past this?

I want to be over this now and its been very difficult. I’m now in yet another foreign country doing research and I have no close friends here. I feel rather alone and abandoned. My work has taken second place. And I just can’t get over how sad I feel. Anger would have been easier to deal with. I would so appreciate a shake from you and some of your straight up advice.

–Aimless and Confused in Bangkok

You say Bangkok, I say ban-cock. Let’s call the whole thing off.

This is so When Harry Met Sally. In case you haven’t seen the film, the recap goes like this: Harry, a neurotic pessimist, becomes friends with Sally, an optimistic picky eater, when they agree that theirs will be nothing but a platonic friendship. Harry marries a woman who tends to retain water, then divorces her when she cheats on him with a tax attorney named Ira. Meanwhile, Sally falls in love with Joe, then breaks up with him after playing a game of “I Spy” with a little girl who spies “a family.” Sally wants marriage and the carriage. Joe, not so much. Fast forward, and our heroes trail and error their way through relationships, sharing every detail with each other. Until, that is, Sally discovers that Joe is marrying his perky secretary, that he does want a family, just not with Sally! Taking comfort in her friend Harry’s arms, Sally is a mess of tears and leaky mascara, which lead to some sex, which ruins their friendship. They both date others, then Harry pursues the crap out of Sally. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is Sally’s favorite rhyme. He had his chance. We’re done. And they are done, until Harry realizes he wants to spend the rest of his life with Sally and is willing to scream it from the rooftop. Their wedding follows, with a delicious cake, with the sauce on the side. THE END

ASK YOURSELF THIS: WHO ARE YOU IN THIS WHEN HARRY MET SALLY SCENARIO?

Sometimes it helps to look at your own situation from a new perspective, temporarily lifting yourself out of the relationship equation to get a bird’s-eye view of you. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, by the way. Look at families, alliances, friendships and endships.

It’s easy to vilify, to call him a creep for leading you on, but the truth is, he’s as lost as you are. You’re both just feeling your way through this stuff. If your Yogi-boy is Harry, and this other woman has been his Sally the whole time, then it’s clear to see that you simply are not his happy ending. 

Here’s the fantastic news, love. You don’t want to be on the wrong bus when the right one pulls up. By not being in this love triangle tangle, you’re free to create your own happy ending.

“WHAT DO I DO TO GET OVER THIS?” YOU ASK.
I answer: Every time your whiny victim self comes out feeling sad and missing his smell, you give yourself permission to be a tearjerker and play your sadass clit-rock. Love her. Appreciate her for her ability to love openly; comfort her the way you’d console a child. Put a time limit on that shit though. Then take a look at your no-room-for-bullshit self. Imagine her. Seriously, close your eyes and picture her. Is she a big black woman? A Jillian Michaels lookalike? She’s going to kick your ass if you don’t quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get the hell out of the house. Sit in a cafe, realize that life goes on outside of you and your dramas. And love her. Love your inner “We ain’t got time for this shit, now move it or lose it” self. Watch them both duke it out. Get some distance from it. Just watch. And it will suddenly feel less dire.

Keep yourself busy, go outside, cut off all communication with Sir Yogi, and I promise, promise, promise you will be writing in again to tell us how giddy you are about your new life.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: Hi Stephanie, I’ve always felt that you give great advice that cuts through the bullshit even if the incident you’re discussing has never happened to me. Well, here comes the day when I need someone to cut through my bullshit and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was dating this great boy who I was really into but who turned round four months down the line and told me that he wasn’t happy with the way things were going. The truth is that we were better at being friends than a couple, but I always hoped things would improve. And the fact that we didn’t connect very well resulted in us breaking up three times over those four months, and there being a complete absence of any physical relationship, even though I craved it greatly. So, though I’m not completely bummed about the break up, it’s still difficult to see him around considering we have nearly all our friends in common. And the fact that he broke up with me on the phone when I was traveling on work hurts a bit because it didn’t seem like he respected me enough to tell me to my face. It was a bit rough but I’m trying to get over it, even though he’s just below the surface everywhere I go.

One month later, I think I’m making the same mistake again with another boy who is also my very best friend. He knew everything about the old boy, all the problems we had – and was there for me throughout. The other night when we were hanging out, he kissed me, and one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed together. And it’s been four days of being stuck to each other. I’m not sure whether he’s my rebound or if I really like him. All I can say is that we connect really well and he’s everything the other guy wasn’t. At the same time, I just lost one good friend and can’t stand the thought of losing another if things don’t work out. Which is why I want to run like the wind. But he’s into me and he makes me feel really good about myself, which makes the deciding part even harder. I don’t seem to know anything anymore; I can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it. Would be grateful for any advice you can give me. Or even a knocking on the head. Good guy friends are difficult to come by and I don’t want to lose mine.

Thank you so much, and keep up the awesome posts and photographs!

This was the most telling detail of your missive: “But he’s into me and he makes me feel really good about myself, which makes the deciding part even harder.”

Therein lies your problem. You need to figure out how to make you feel really good about yourself. It’s called self-esteem for a reason. Yes, it’s lovely to receive compliments, to hear how funny you are, how ridiculously hot, kind, whip smart, so damn adorable, but—and it’s a but worth sitting down for—what happens when he stops saying these things? What happens when the newness dwindles? When you begin to feel you’re losing your “hold” over him, that he’s just not as enchanted as he once was? You feel rejected and frustrated, and you become a wee bit psycho. Basically, you take it personally, and if you’re anything like I used to be, you then make his life miserable with all your whining for attention. Bottom line: you need to learn to make you feel really good about you, without him.

The fact is that he says you’re “hot, kind, whip smart, so damn adorable” because he sees these things in you, because you ARE all those things, but you shouldn’t need him to know it or believe it. This is why you’re stuck in Chapter 3. Ahem, chapter 3 of Straight Up And Dirty: Cereal Monogamy (The cereal spelling makes sense in context). You hop-scotch your way through relationships because that’s how you’re holding onto any feelings of worth.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter. What you do with regard to this specific friendship, this specific guy, doesn’t matter when you look at the bigger picture. Until you iron out your own kinks, with whom you get kinky is the last of your problems. And this problem will repeat on you for the rest of your life, rebound to rebound, until you learn to feel good about you without a him.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I have lost my heart, best friend, boyfriend, support system and voice of reason. I am 29 years old and I feel like I have lost my everything. I have to wake up one day at a time and start over. And it’s hard. I have survived stage 3 ovarian cancer and that situation takes a definite back seat to the pain I am in right now. Our love story was a classic one.

Tim and I met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since, we didn’t start dating until after college. His family is my family and vice vera. He moved to Boston to be with me. We did everything together cooked, cleaned, took walks, had inside jokes and spent every holiday together making each one more special than the next. I thought with all my heart I would be with him covered in wrinkles at the end. I was wrong.

Background story: It took Tim a year to get a job here in Boston. I was the sole source of income. Yes it was hard, yes I had to make sacrifices. But I thought it was worth it. I spent my mornings before work printing his resume out and prepping him for a job interviews. When he got a job I was over the moon happy and proud. Thinking things will be looking up as long as we had each other….no such luck…this is when things started to changed. He started picking me apart. Everything I said was wrong. I was walking on egg shells every time I stepped in our apartment. Then there was the excessive drinking and not coming home when he said he would. I told myself every relationship has up’s and downs and sometime you are not on the same page as one another. But is this normal – I would ask myself. After 5 years of not being able to talk about marriage and him becoming increasingly uncomfortable about the very thought of a future… took a toll on me. I am 29 years old. Gave 100% of me to this guy. And one night the unavoidable happened. He drunkenly broke up with me at our apartment. The kicker. Confirmed things with me over email the next day.

Now what? Yes, I have my incredible family and the best friends a girl could ask for in Boston. I just feel emotionally drained. How will things get better with my heart missing? I’m scared to actually have to start over again. Any advice you or your readers have for me I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much for your time !

Starting over in Boston

The doctor is: IN
Congratulations, woman! It’s an odd way to begin. Most people start with “sorry.” They tell you that “you’re better off,” whip out the “his loss,” then toss you a, “blessing in disguise.” And you want to yank out their vocal chords and feed them to the sea witch because no amount of “say” will make your pain go away. No matter what I tell you, what anyone tells you, you’re going to feel loss. All I can do is offer you a reminder, “Starting over in Boston.” And here it is: get used to it.

If you’re looking for comfort, if you want to feel better, dip into the Breakups & Breakthroughs section of stephanieklein.com. There’s plenty in there, believe me, that will lift your spirits and remind you that you’re not alone in any of this. But for right now, I’m going to give it to you without the sanding sugar.

The anxiety you’re feeling comes with transience. The sooner you realize that almost everything is temporary, that there are no guarantees in life, that anything can be yanked away from us [our health, our children, our job, our life, limbs, marriage, best friend, home] without a moment’s notice, the better off you’ll be. I’m not asking or even implying that you become a cynic. Or even a realist. I’m just reminding you, in perhaps the harshest way possible, that you will deal with this for the rest of your life. And the sooner you accept this, that changes will be thrust upon you—the bad, the good, some of your choosing—the easier this process will be for you to return to your normal self. The self who’s not reminding herself to breathe and eat.

Here’s what’s hard: you can’t protect yourself from being hurt again. You can’t limit how much you love things, hoping it will hurt less if you love less. The fact is that you need to use this time in your life as a tool, an opportunity to see what you’re made of, a chance to prove to yourself that you can get through this.

Here’s how I handled it: shit shit shit shit nuggets. I hate my life. I hate that I now question every little thing wondering what I did wrong. But then, after my snot was dry, I realized that when we’re in pain we do our most growing. And I would deal with this type of heartache again, so the sooner I learned to just wade through it, not fight it, just live through it, the better off I’d be the next time. The easier it would become to loosen my grip and open my palms and accept what’s in front of me.

Am I making any sense at all? Change can suck. It’s hard. Learning to move through change, embracing it instead of resisting is what makes us successful in life. And the sooner you learn how to do this, the easier, the happier, the healthier you’ll be in this life.  The bullshit line about this being an opportunity isn’t actually bullshit. This is your chance to grow, to make your life easier down the road. This is the moment on which you will look back and say, “Thank God” and “It was then that I first started to learn the most important lesson of my life.”

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I had written to you in May about how I read SU&D in college, and then once again while I was on vacation a few years later (I’m now in my mid twenties) and could appreciate it so much more… Anyway, so when I wrote to you, I was just about to move into an apartment with my boyfriend of a year and a half.

To be honest, things weren’t amazing before we moved in and being selfish, I convinced him to rent a place with me because I thought that it would make things better. He’s not Mr. Romantic, never really was. He doesn’t talk about how he feels. He’s very close with his group of guy friends and I kind of feel that they are a priority over me. He can’t spend a night alone with me, without texting them all night because he’s afraid of missing a funny joke during a game of beer pong or something. Him being almost 30 years old, I’m kind of tired of it. He doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. Just one example: If I get home from work before him, I will ALWAYS have dinner ready for him when he walks in the door and I will wait for him to eat. Just the other night, he was 45 minutes late, no phone call, and couldn’t understand why I was upset with him. I said, “You don’t think I’m hungry? You don’t think I’d like to eat my dinner before 9 pm? If you’re going to be that late, have some respect and give me a call.” His response was, “What the hell are you talking about? Respect?!”

If I ever come home after him, he will already have eaten and I will have to make my own dinner. It’s just little things like that that add up and make me feel completely unappreciated. When he acts like that, it pushes me away. Now it feels like I’m living with a brother. We have sex once a week IF THAT because he’s always ‘too tired’. He’s obsessed with his computer games, cell phone and television. He was once playing a computer game, and I sat down on his lap IN MY UNDERWEAR and he didn’t even look away from the screen. How is that supposed to make me feel? And the worst part is, he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he treats me. He just doesn’t get it. And he’s been in relationships before me! One for 4 years! He talks about wanting to marry me and have kids.. but lately I’ve been thinking, ‘is THIS what I want married life to be like?’

Then, enter Mike. I work in a gym and Mike is a trainer there. He just started about 2 months ago. We’ve been talking for about a month. Basically, this guy is amazing. He’s said things to me that my boyfriend has never said to me in 2 years. He loves talking to me, says we have the best conversations ever.. (which is kinda true). He knows I have a boyfriend and feels bad about how we talk to each other but he said he can’t NOT talk to me. And I agree. I love talking to him too. So my problem now, is I’m totally torn. I love Rick (my boyfriend) but I don’t think he will make me happy in the long run. And I think before Mike came along, I was just kind of like ‘Ok, well I guess this is how it is. This is how it’s gonna be.’ BUT WHY SHOULD I SETTLE? And I don’t know if I’m so attracted to Mike because he’s showing me everything Rick isn’t?? I feel like Mike has almost given me the kick in the ass I need to get out of this situation. My mom said, “If you’re going to break up with Rick, it has to be because you don’t want to be with Rick, not because you want to be with Mike.” Which I understand, and is true. I just don’t even know how to go about the whole situation. We just moved in together 2 months ago!! And we have a year lease!!! I don’t want to be miserable, but one of these guys is going to get hurt. I’m stuck. One day I’m laughing about it, the next day I’m crying. I want to rip my hair out. I want to ignore it all and hope that it somehow resolves on its own. I’m embarrassed and confused and honestly, don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve only talked to my best friend and my mom about this and I’d really like to get an outsider’s opinion.

I’m sorry for unloading it all on you, but I’m curious as to what you’re going to tell me.

Oh, no you’re not. you’re not curious at all.
You know exactly what I’m going to say. I don’t even need to say it. But, of course, I will. Because I’m in love with my own words.

A year lease or your self-esteem—which is it? Go on. Choose. In the end, even in the short-term, which matters more?

You know why you bring up the lease? Because you already went there, to that place of “what if we were really over?” And you know what you thought of? Inconveniences. Get out now.

“I love Rick (my boyfriend) but I don’t think he will make me happy in the long run.”

Don’t think. Pack. Call the movers. Done and done, woman. Enough said. You’ve been eating crazy sandwiches.

People call off weddings, the day of. Not only have invitations been sent, but dresses have been altered, appetizer stations assembled, flowers pin-spotted, bikini’s waxed. M’lady, a lease is nothing. It feels like everything in your stomach, and you don’t want to face it, but you have to.

You’re right. Everyone who’s reading this is right. I don’t know you, or the other players, but I know this:

IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone who hasn’t been the one initiating forward momentum, question things. If he’s the one, who instead, only moves things ahead out of fear of loss, then you have someone who’d rather lean toward the water of your sinking boat than grab a bucket and work to stay afloat. Consider this advice your red and white life-preserver.
                                                                                    —Straight Up And Dirty

You want Rick to grow up. You wish he were 35, not “almost 30.” You believe that if you ride it out, put up with this stage, with this age, with these priorities of his, he’ll outgrow it. Why, you can grow together! Then you won’t have anything to regret if things end and he ends up with someone else. Because that’s how you’re thinking, in fears. In loss. Not in love.

It won’t happen. He won’t grow up with you playing mommy, or even, “See if I care,” girlfriend. You can’t win this one because it’s already lost. If you threaten to leave, or actually leave, and he realizes he can’t live without you, that’s more fear. Fear of loss. That’s not whose lap you should be mounting, lady. You want someone who wants you because you make up part of his joy.

“How is that supposed to make me feel? And the worst part is, he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he treats me. He just doesn’t get it.”

Sex once a week ain’t too shabby. Try getting married and see what suck is. Look, forget Rick and Mike. I’m not telling you this so you apply it to your current situation. I’m sharing what’s next because it’s stuff you should know down the line, when you’re in your next relationshit…

Sometimes you need to have a discussion, in a non-threatening tone, discussing what would turn you on. You need to tell him that you feel amazing when you feel his urgency, when he can’t keep his hands off you, when he lets you know that he can’t stop thinking of you. You need to play hard to get, in a cat-scratch sex kitten way. Men like to chase tail.

We surround ourselves with people who make us feel special
That’s the need you met of his once upon a beginning ago. You didn’t nag or whine about dinner (talking in general, not about Rick). You made him feel needed, useful, adored, special. And he made you feel that way. Here’s the key: YOU need to make YOU feel that. You need to know you’re special, adored, useful, desirable without an external source saying so, proving it. You need to know it without the words, without the actions. Go on, I’m gonna loan you my old self-esteem song. The one I listened to on repeat, loud. You’re welcome.

“Don’t Need You To Tell Me I’m Pretty” by Samantha Mumba

We all express our love differently. You try to show it by being considerate, waiting for him, so you can eat together, cooking for him, having dinner on the table. Has it ever occurred to you that he doesn’t appreciate that (and THAT’S OKAY), that it’s basically wasted effort on your part?

Let me put it in terms of ME (because, hello). I live and die for food. Want to cook it, plate it, plan it, photograph it, pump and hump it. And my man? Couldn’t give a shite. Doesn’t care. Doesn’t want to hear about it. Will say thank you, how nice, but if he were to make a list of things that I could do that would make him happy, nothing revolving food would ever hit the list. And guess what? The man doesn’t even know what would be on his list. Because he honestly doesn’t know what makes him happy… aside from the general, “Be considerate, be responsible, don’t make me shoulder all the burden.” No. He can’t just say, “a back and whack,” that’s what’ll make him happy. He’s gotta be all difficult.

Stop doing things to make him happy, if it means you’ll be resentful if he doesn’t notice, doesn’t care, doesn’t appreciate it. Not to punish him, but to stop punishing yourself.

Phil does it all the time, goes out of his way to do things he THINKS will please me. Like arguing with Health Insurance people. “I make your life easier by dealing with it, so you don’t have to. Can’t you appreciate that?! And look, I went grocery shopping!”

Except I don’t appreciate it. I could’ve talked to health insurance people. The fact is, he damn well enjoys arguing with them and pointing out their misteps. And, hello, since when have I ever NOT wanted to go grocery shopping? Then he gets irritated as fook that I don’t appreciate all he does. THEN DON’T DO IT. Please, for all our sakes.

My longass point? No matter who you’re with, you need to learn to express love, not in the ways YOU want to receive it but in the ways that are most important to the person you’re with.

Every single relationship is co-created
You don’t want to hear—no, you don’t want to live this. You don’t want to walk through hard. I get it. But you have to. Every single relationship is co-created. You helped to create this dynamic you two have, these patterns, the expectations, the disappointments, all of it. You played a part. And until you realize what you even want, really want, you’ll do it again. With Mike, or anyone else.

And the last thing I’ll say. It ain’t about MIKE. Mike is your security blanket right now. He’s your easy out, you’re I won’t have to be alone. If it’s meant to be between you and Mike, he’ll still want you in six months. For now, you need to find a place to move, and move on it. You need to fulfill your own needs, create your own space (even if it’s smaller, even if it means a roommate). You need to let it go, so you can go get everything you want. ‘Cause you don’t want this.

Once upon a time ago someone said that to me, and I wanted to kick her in the China. No way was I going to “not date” and just “be alone.” But if that someone would have said, “If you don’t, if you refuse, you’ll only have a lot more of this pain you keep trying to escape. If you confront it now, do what’s hard NOW, you’ll be where you want to be all the faster. Not facing your fears will make them circle back. And you’ll keep hearing men whip out the ‘we need to talk’ bomb. Suck it up now, woman.” It’s why I’m saying it to you now.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.

QUESTION FROM A GREEK TRAGEDY READER: I can imagine you must get hundreds of emails a week from readers asking for advice, so I don’t expect you to have the time to even respond and I wouldn’t be remotely offended. But I thought I’d at least give it a shot.

First off, my college girlfriends and I take an annual weekend trip each year to hang out, properly catch up with each other and just have some good girl time. Each year we choose a different city, and this year it’s Austin! So being a fellow foodie and very intuned with the social scene there, can you recommend some places to go? We’re all in our mid-thirties, some married, some divorced and some single, so we’re looking for places where we don’t feel like we’re a bunch of cougars out on the prowl. Just places that have great food and fun atmosphere that aren’t too college town young.

Secondly, I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year just 3 weeks ago. I was devastated. I had just met his parents and he was supposed to meet mine soon. But then he decided that he loved me as much as he could and realized that he couldn’t take the next step with me. I was shocked because I thought we were going to keep moving forward. I never pressured him into anything and actually never brought up the ‘where is this going’ conversation. I took the breakup hard and was a mess. But I’m on the road to recovery and have enough perspective to realize that he was never going to be the right life partner for me and that all of the tiny red flags that popped up in our relationship starting from day one added up to some major problems for us long-term.

Anyway, to get through the breakup I read a self-help book, leaned heavily on my family and friends for support and started therapy. I am surviving but what I fear most, and what I imagine everyone fears most when unexpectedly single again, is meeting someone else. I am freaking out. I’m 35, feel like I look older every day and worry that I’ll never meet someone that I could fall in love and get married and start a family with. I live in NYC so you can imagine how hard it is to date since you used to live here. There’s a hot, younger girl on every street corner and I feel like I can’t compete anymore! So I’m feeling very sorry for myself, feeling very unattractive (my ex never told me I was pretty the entire year we were together, major problem and self-esteem downer) and that I will be single for the rest of my life. Sadly I think I would’ve stayed with the ex forever because I was so happy just being in a relationship and having someone just be there. Pathetic I know.

So do you have any words or advice for this down-in-the-dumps, 35 year old Asian girl living in NYC who feels like no one will ever love her?

Part One: Go-to Food Move
La Condessa. I could give you many others, but why bother. This is where you should go (there’s also a bar upstairs). It’s not a discussion really. Another thing you ladies should do? Get thee to either Gold Class Cinemas or Alamo Draft House, to see a late afternoon movie before hitting the town. Order sangria or a bottle or four of wine, then rage against the dying of the light.

PART TWO: GO-TO ATTITUDE
“I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year just 3 weeks ago.” There, my sweet Asian twin, is your problem. Your attitude. This missive of yours ought to begin, “The man I was dating for the past year just did me a rock-hard favor by giving me the information I needed.” Be thankful that things didn’t drag on longer. Be thankful that you got the information you did, now, not a year from now. I’m serious. And be thankful you’re Asian! Hello, know how many men have an all-out, no compromise, Asian fetish?

Okay, I know it’s hard to conjure up gratitude when you’re feeling like a wounded schoolgirl (another fetish!), that you don’t want to look on the bright side. That, quite frankly, you welcome the pity party, and you want to sulk.

So sulk. Play your Air Supply and cry. Out loud. Turn the music up, lady. There’s no cause for liquor, ice cream’s a cliche, and sex with your neighbor–it doesn’t even work out in romantic comedies. Instead, wrap yourself in a blanket and let it go. Limit your mourning. I’m serious; set a timer. Set your mind. “I will feel sorry for myself for the next half hour, but then, that’s it. The second half-hour is reserved for watching The Real Housewives of Wherever…because then I’ll, for sure, feel better about myself.”

Then grab a pen. Or a keyboard. And make your list. That’s right. You mentioned little red flags had popped up in the beginning of your relationship. And they eventually bubbled to the top. You need it in writing. Where is your line in the sand? If you’re not sure, ask yourself this:

Would my younger self, the girl I used to be, would she be proud of where I am now? Where would SHE draw the line? What would SHE tell me to do right now?

You really should be thankful. Thankful that life’s an adventure (it just is, don’t blame or thank me). Realize that you will one day look back at this time of your life, bitch-slap your husband, then yell at him for taking so long to find you, and you’ll actually smile. Because honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve lived it, in a one bedroom apartment, for one. And her dog. And I miss her, miss the life she had spread out before her. And I’ve learned enough to know that one day I’ll even miss the life I have right now. You will, too.

That said, I hope you’ve learned not to brush aside the beginning red flags. Because that’s what dating is all about anyway: the process. It’s all data. You’ll meet people, you’ll freak, you’ll over-analyze emails and texts, and talk it over 5 x twice with anyone who’ll listen. But I’m telling you, watch how people respond to you, to situations, to stress. And take it all in as a scientist would. It’s all data. And it’s your job to collect it, to assess it properly before diving into the next relationship. So if a guy doesn’t call when he said he would, when he acts like an ass and a half over something trivial, take it in as information. Is this something I can live with? And that’s the trick…

People will ask you what you’re looking for in a partner, but they’re asking the wrong question. The right one:

What flaws are you willing to live with?

And, uh, no. An abnormally large monkfish does not a flaw make.

We all have our flaws. You, and every guy you’ll ever meet. So make this easy. Figure out which flaws you’re willing to live with. Then sign yourself up for an online dating service and under “my perfect match” list everything you’re willing to put up with. But don’t include a word you don’t mean.

As for this 35 age issue, of being surrounded by “er,” I suggest you read me, when I was you (or at least in your space and place). This bit, the “what I fear most is meeting someone else,” that I don’t get. Do you mean you’re afraid you won’t meet anyone good-looking, wealthy, smart, funny, kind enough? That you’ll have to settle for some guy you’re not attracted to, or that looks great on paper, but you’re just not feelin’ him? Is that the fear? I’m guessing in the dark, but I’ll guess yes. You worry that someone you’d be into couldn’t possibly really, deeply, want you back when he has so many younger options. Well, here’s what they don’t tell you…

The younger models are usually a wee bit crazy. I’m not being insulting here. Just calling a spade. I was, in my twenties, a wee bit crazy. Because I loved like a romantic comedy and had an emotional RPM that could roar from 0 to 180 as fast as that. Because I wanted what I wanted, so damn badly, that I never saw anything as “data.” I wasn’t an information collector. I didn’t take the time to assess, to stand back and observe a person while taking myself out of the equation. I didn’t ask, “Is he like this with everyone?” And I think that’s what differentiates a woman in her 30s from a woman in her 20s. At 30+, we’re able to take a step back and really look, observe, not take it personally, just see… oh, this is who you are. I get what makes you tick, why you do what you do, independent of ME ME ME. That’s the differentiating factor. Any 20-something’s reading, study up. Grab your highlighter. I’m givin’ you pearls here.

Also, in terms of the existence of hotter and younger, I offer you this: there’s only ONE you. You are special, extraordinary, not because of your achievements, your job, your salary, your bedroom technique, your upbringing, or where you went to school. You’re special because you were born that way, just as you are. And you don’t need to bend over backward to try to prove that worth. And just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you haven’t found the right person yet.

Now, then. What are you waiting for? This is your life. Jump in, both hands, lady.

GOT QUESTIONS? NEED ADVICE?
If you have questions or need advice on anything from where to eat to how to get over the bastard, just email your question to my advice email address. Am I a doctor? I don’t even play one on TV, but people keep asking, so I might as well air it and share it.