Okay, not for making out. But I feel very sexy when I’m able to apply makeup, when my makeup is organized and duplicated between cars, so I’m never all, “Shit, it’s in the other car!” These are my some of my favorites. I filmed myself for close to twenty minutes, mind you. But, no, this video is NOT 20 minutes. Also, Phil gets an extras credit.

Nashville with Brandy and a bottle of  Tresseme Smooth Frizz-Fighting Hair Spray Gel

Know what kills me about living in Boca Raton? No, it’s not the humidity. It’s seeing the same uglyass hair on every other woman. We all know the difference between curly hair that’s been ironed and the thick enviable sheen of an Asian woman’s bouncy locks. Naturally straight hair is glossy in a way your limpy wimpy waves gone straight by route and root of Brazil or Keratin will never be. At this age [insert any age over 24], haven’t you gotten over your wolf dressed up as a sheep routine? Be who you are and own that shit already.

All Ouidad products used above. Notice how the curl starts close to the base of my head? That’s what you want. You don’t want straight that suddenly breaks into curl any more than you want a mullet. Also, my hair in the above front / back photos was unimaginably soft! No hardness or sticky at all.

I’ve been playing hair chef these past few weeks, trying and buying everything. Mouse, gel, spiral curling gel, spray gels, gels that promise less frizz, leave-in’s promising better sex, thick creams insisting there’s nourishment within. Here’s my verdict. Know how you might enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, but you have your go-to dazzle dish when you want to impress? Maybe you’ve mastered the perfect souffle. That’s how I feel about my hair. I have two power moves; here are my cocktails of choice:

.

1. Aveda Prep. I stopped a woman on the street, kind of stalked her, then asked. What, oh what, do you use? And she swore by this product. I am so so thankful. It’s slime glory. It’s wonderful. I don’t know what it does exactly, but it does it well.

2. Bumble & Bumble Curl Conscious Defining Cream for Fine Hair.
Or for coarse hair that needs more weight and tame, use the Bumble & Bumble Curl Conscious Calming Cream for Coarse Curls. I discovered this product when I asked three different friends with long curly ropes of hair what they used. This product somehow makes the curls “group” together, like it has some magnetic effects. I can’t explain it better than that.

3. Later in the day or days to follow, to refresh curls, I’ve tried everything, every brand. I’ve found two products that work without becoming unbearably sticky:

Pantene Pro-V Curl Series Light Conditioning Detangler (for the knots that develop underneath, and to revive tangled ends)

And a must: a real favorite that I use daily when my hair is still wet, just out of the Aquis Towel (and again as a really great reviving spray that doesn’t get sticky or hard) is the Ouidad Botanical Boost. Love this product! I know what you’re thinking. A spray won’t do shit for my hair. But this stuff really does.

One other product that I’ve already FINISHED: Tresseme Smooth Frizz-Fighting Hair Spray Gel. This stuff CURLS your hair (see above). Like, ridiculous. I’ve never found a product that measures its equal. It’s insane. It’s great to spray on the specific parts of your hair where you’ve lost any curl (like random ends). I usually break this out at the end of Day 2, before going out. It really does breathe life back into your hair. But, after sleeping on it for a night, you will absolutely have to shampoo the next morning. Also, I found this stuff in a drug store and ever since I haven’t been able to find it anywhere but online. Do not confuse this product with the similar looking Thermal line. Totally different.

The last thing I’ll say about this cocktail, however, is that I don’t love the way the Bumble & Bumble Curl Conscious Cremes wear the next day. Day 2 is huge for me. I like products that give me a few days worth of hair-wear, and with the B&B product, as much as I like it, I have to wet my hair more often than I do with this next cocktail… it feels great Day 2.

When I feel like perfect curls and I have the time, I’ll go 100% Ouidad (it’s not even close. This stuff isn’t even in the same league as DevaCurl. Ouidad is just a superior product without the sticky hard look or feel. But… the DevaCurl Dryer & DevaFuser duo is totally on my wishlist. I’m now obsessed with ordering one.). When I do this fancier curl, here’s my formula:

1. & 2. Ouidad Clear Shampoo (but personally, I wouldn’t go out and buy any curl-specific shampoo. I just don’t think it does much. But I do love their Climate Control Defrizzing Conditioner.

3. Ouidad Botanical Boost, combed through with a wide-tooth comb. Mine has missing spokes, so I’m now buying the Double Take Comb. That’s not its name, but it should be. The Double Detangler.

4. Tress Effects. I’ve written about this product for years. I like it as much as the Climate Control Gel (which is costlier but kills frizz), and I prefer Tress Effects and Climate Control to Curl Quench, which is for super thirsty kinky curls. Tress Effects and Climate Control have a good thin slime texture, exactly what I look for in a gel. I “rake & shake” very small sections of hair after coating in Tress Effects or Climate control. I pin the tops of curls with duckbill clips, up off my scalp, so my hair doesn’t dry flat on top. Air dry or defuse without touching your hair.

5. Once hair is dry, the curls will feel a little stuck in place. Not crunchy, but stuck. They key is loosening the curls with Shine Glaze serum, used sparingly. I turn over, so the nape of my neck is facing the ceiling, and I take my hands (coated in Shine Glaze) flatten on my scalp with curls between my fingers, and shake gently. I do this everywhere, until my hair looks full and feels luxuriously soft. My curls make me deliciously happy when I do them this way. And if they look a little sad, I Botanical Boost them into shape.

Below, photos of me with the Hair Recipe footnoted.

Primary ingredient used above: Botanical Boost (curls aren’t as curly because my layers were much longer, weighing down the curl)

Pantene Tresseme Hair

Dirty Hair. That’s right. My hair Day 3, with the help of my Kick Ass Curling Iron to frame the face and manage the random stragglers.

I can’t believe I haven’t updated this online journal with all my STUFF. Because as much as I try to shop for others, who can ignore a “FREE Overnight Shipping” promise from MAC Cosmetics? “Not I,” said the fox.

I’ve been playing with new colors, creating my own portable palettes, to slip into a slim makeup envelope, for a clutch, or for a car with a clutch. What can I say? I almost always apply all my makeup in the car, at red lights. Yes, I’m the one in front of you with her visor down, plucking things with tweezers. “Things,” I believe, is as close a word you’d want for a description.

The photos above are a little wonky thanks to my computer’s distorted camera. I lean in to get a close shot of the color, and I look like a fetal alcohol syndrome kid. I have other lid looks I’ll post at a normal hour. Sorry I’ve fallen off the face of this Internet (email, blog, twitter, Instant Messaging, facebook stalking), but I’ve been dealing. Dealing is one of those words like “things,” a wrap-up of… I don’t even know what to call it. There are so many things up in the air right now, things I can’t blog about yet. So when all else fails, there is makeup. And movies of me applying said makeup, then, as I’m talking I begin to cry. Mess, I tell you. But, I do, really do, love the holidays, so I’m not letting anything bring me down. Will post more, promise! I’ve been too busy shopping and wrapping and thinking of thoughtful creative gift ideas. I’ll share some of those, too. Because while I might just be a mess of a mess, I’m at least generous. Believe me, there’s enough to go around for everyone.

And, yes! MAC does offer Free Overnight Shipping today!

There’s a “Season Kick Off” party here at Woodfield this weekend, said to be “A bat-mitzvah on crack.” I’m on the fence about going. First, we’re not big dancers. I wish we were, I do. But, we’re not. Phil’s especially not. And then, there’s the food. Each email is more revealing than the next, with an itemized list of food promise. “Themed action food stations,” an “infamous raw bar,” and a lavish dessert display. Good God, how do I say no? Worse, how do I say, “just a little.” This feels like a date with funnel cake. So bad, so good. I’m going. That’s that. Besides, it’s fun to dress up, to coordinate, to make new memories—food or otherwise. Now, the real question of the day and night: how should I style the shop out of a little black dress with a high slung collar (necklace won’t work unless it’s long)? Hair in a puffy bun with some Mongolian lamb stole? Nude heels, nude nails? Or should I go gray nails and peep booties? Oh, to be a girl in this world.

The “After Party” did not include a Key Party. Or, maybe it did, but I wasn’t invited. The after was the day after, a carnival and family BBQ with a bunch of hungover people in search of grease-fast and sunblock, just not in that order.

Caught double-fisted. Takes after her mama.

Woodfield Sunday Afternoon Family BBQ

I have to write it all down before I get there. Because once I’m in that room, I suddenly forget why I’m there. “Just give me a sec,” I say, trying to click my way to some saved list on my iPhone. “Stupid thing.” So, this time, I’m heading to the dermatologist with a paper list in hand.

Thinning hair. Top of my list. Receding hairline. Tons of hair loss always, since forever. Since long before pregnancy. But I couldn’t ever tell what was normal, considering I have such long hair. Maybe it just looks like a lot, you know, all wound up like a ball of yarn. But when I look in the mirror in a certain light, I swear I can see my scalp in a bald kind of way… like, I don’t have to try all that hard to “imagine” what I might look like bald. I know there are shampoos that help prevent hair from falling out, don’t regrow new hair, but slow the process. I need help, even though, to look at me, you’d think I was a head case. Pun very much intended.

Botox. I’ve never had it, but I think it’s time.

This whole wrinkle situation. I’ve been using Duac Topical Gel and Differin gel 0.1% because I have these tiny bumps on my forehead that you can only see in certain light.

This white dots under my eyes. You know, if you’re looking in a 100x magnified mirror. I look like my grandfather.

The “beauty mark” on my left nipple. TMI, but there it is. It either looks like one beauty mark layered on top of another, or it’s bad news. Doc, you need to check out this nip.

Speaking of beauty marks… I HATE THE ONE ON MY FACE. It’s flat, yes, on the right side of my face. But I now officially HATE it and need a plastic surgeon to remove it. I need recommendations. Work with me. Now my daughter and I can walk around with matching face bandages after our “procedures.”

Stress. You couldn’t happen to prescribe something to help me deal with learning to be an Occupational Therapist could you? But that’s stress I air and share on my facebook page.

Packing is elevated to a whole new level when half your wardrobe is too big, a quarter too small, half outdated, a portion stained or damaged by pits or wine or the moth problem Phil had in Manhattan (so fcuking gross – he had moths living in his vacuum cleaner bag! And my sweaters have been RUINED because you can’t undo a cashmere hole without looking totally shoddy)…

As I was saying, a quarter too nightclub shorty McSlutTown, and then the majority of clothes that do fit and are in fine condition but that you simply, for whatever reason, just don’t wear… Plus the piles you’ve had stacked on the floor full of comfy college clothes, memory clothes, sweatshirts from old beaus, college orientation shirts, plus all the freebie shirts from conferences and concerts where you said, “I’ll wear it around the house or to work out in.”

It is time, fellow American (and Italian, German, Swedish, Malaysian, and Israeli) readers to purge yourselves of these lies. Time to release “I will” and make it “I do.” I do wear those shoes. I refuse to care about who the designer is or dwell on how costly it was. If I haven’t worn it in the past year, it is OUT.

There will be absolutely no period panties, no bras with broken down elasticity, no shirts or shorts or (cringe) boxers for sleep, and no gym socks that aren’t pure white. I will only sleep, forevermore, in clothes sold in the lounge wear and sleep department of stores. As for the workout clothes, if it’s uncomfortable, it’s outta here. Also, as a general rule, if costume designers and stylists wouldn’t dare put that sweater on Diane Keaton or Rene Russo (particularly in The Thomas Crown Affair), then be done with it! Nothing says I don’t give a shit about myself than slightly yellowed whites or even the smallest hole, so get to it!