The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik, sent Chicago girl Elyse Myers packing tonight. It happens. I have (almost) nothing to say about it other than these two things: 1) “What did I do wrong” is “the wrong.” Going there, blaming ourselves for “over,” is our single biggest mistake when we’re rejected; 2) Boca, all of Boca Raton, FL—aside from those with oxygen tanks—looks like this:

Sorry, but it’s true. I’m only 7 months in, and even at this point, I’m also sorry to say, it’s nauseating to look at her, to look at all the “hers”in Boca. Why? Seriously, what is it that’s such a turn off to me? She’s only 24, but she looks like a cougar. I actually feel terrible saying it because I’m sure she’s a lovely person and I don’t mean to take Florida out on the poor girl. But this is mostly what I meet here in Boca. What is it about her that screams Boca, and not, for example, LA? Perhaps it’s not just her photo here, but something else about her on The Bachelor? I doubt it though. When I see the overly tan brunette I think of Boca and half of Turtle Bay apartments in NY (Midtown, East Side – recent grads from Delaware and Syracuse).

At least we have phenomenal  weather. Seriously, to be wearing flip-flops and tanks in January is heavenly. Just dreamy. I don’t like the sun and prefer rainy days, but not having my snot freeze is such a joy. By the way, this is me trying to do positive.

Jim Henson’s Dinosaur Train Movie – One Hour Special
Dinosaur Big City premieres August 22 on PBS KIDS (check local listings)

My sweet Texan Lucas and Abigail are new to the Florida Market of Friendship and haven’t quite bonded with a set of friends, best or otherwise. Though, at this age (4 yrs.), so much of friendship comes down to proximity and… yo’ mama. Because it’s up to Mama to set up the one-on-one after-school alliances, so for now it’s less to do with the kid you actually like and more to do with which mom your mama can tolerate, or in her condemnatory words, “dare to even stomach.”

At this rate, I’m afraid, my sweet children will never have friends… because as far as mom on mom action, I’m experiencing a particularly parched season (you can write the word ‘dry’ on my skin).

But, alas, there’s hope: Dinosaur Train, the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup of children’s programming. Marry an all-time obsession with Dinosaurs—Lucas can’t seem to learn enough about what each one eats, how many feet tall, how they kill their plant or prey—to an all-out train fetish—he can differentiate between a hopper car, boxcar, and Lorry (yes, that’s right fellow braggarts)—and you have the happily-ever-after couple of all couples. Or, as I like to say, “TV Crack without the formication.” Also, Abigail, my ruched tutu of a girl is quite the Dinosaur Train enthusiast. And by enthusiast, I mean fiend.

So, when asked if I’d like an advanced screening copy of the upcoming PBS KIDS Season 2 kickoff premiere of the Dinosaur Train movie, “Dinosaur Big City,” I resisted the urge to respond, “Does a Baryonyx eat sushi?”—because next I’d have to draft my suicide note—and replied simply:

“Oh, hell yes.”

Know why? Because this was their in. Yes, obviously kids make friends just by being themselves, blah blah, blah blah blah. But this was a “Give friend” opportunity! Common ground, something to talk about. Okay, maybe, just maybe, this was my in, an opportunity to invite total strangers into our home and hearts… with a very specific end-time.

Oreo’s and McDangerous tend to bring people together. So, why not offer up a Dinosaur Train screening party to the neighborhood kids, as a “we have this in common” bribe token of friendship? You know I love me a theme party, and any excuse to cut tea sandwiches in the shapes of theropods and locomotives, and this mom-nerd is all in. Now, may I tempt you to a platter of dino claw clippings (break out the Bugles)? As for the cupcakes? Perhaps the marketing go-to of the day will be “Dino Dung” (with marbled frosting, of course).

Also, as a total aside, I love that the series is anchored in actual fact, bringing real history alive. What I want to know is, how is there no modern 90210 version of the Great Depression or WWII for “adults?” Greek Tragedy anyone?

Dinosaur Big City airs this coming Monday, August 22.

My email, sent moments ago, to my mother-in-law: I think she’ll pick JP. Ben, the winemaker, seems super nice, but I think she has always been crazy about JP. Though, in the long run, I think she’d be happier with Ben because he seems less dramatic, which would be a good balance for our nutcase Anxious Ashley. BTW, Bachelor Pad looks just as bad as last season. Which, naturally, means I’ll still watch it.

Ashley Chooses

HOURS LATER: “After the Final Yawn” has wrapped things up. Ash is engaged to JP. I’ll admit it, I was talking to the TV, irritated. Because Ben seemed like the guy who could wade through the Ashley Fits. And JP seemed like a cauldron.

As soon as Ben stepped out of the helicopter, revealing to viewers that he was about to be rejected, I asked this completely irrational question: who would Ashley pine for if she couldn’t end up with either? And every time, it would be JP. If she couldn’t be with either man, I think she’d be “Get me to the White Horse Tavern to drown my sorrow” sad and crazy if she learned that JP had fallen in love with someone else. Ben, she’d shrug.

But.

But is all that heart and passion and gut really the way to go? Let’s forget that Ben is a drip–a very nice drip, actually, I’d say he’s my own personal definition of milquetoast.

As Ben waiting on bended knee in what had to seem like forever, I couldn’t help but think of Sense & Sensibility. In Jane Austen’s novel, “the Ashley” (Marianne) ended up with “the Ben” by default, and we were left to believe that “the JP” suffered and regretted not ending up with her, but that she was ultimately much better off with “the Ben,” the safe, practical, long-lasting bet. The problem is the Ashley’s, Marianne’s, and Stephanie’s of the world would always pine for that passion, no matter how right, how arranged and sensible, their current life was. It’s why Marianne’s blog would be all angst-ridden and full of longing. Because life is short, and messy, and agonizingly delicious if you do it right.

On an unrelated note, I’m pretty sure I know JP. Like, I think we hung out a few times in high school. Not hooking up, hanging out, in a group at Hillary Cohen’s house. I need to consult with the Hills on this one.

Florida, Abigail, life update tomorrow.

It’s in the universe. And it’s on The Bachelorette. Perhaps you couldn’t give two rosy shits about The Bachelorette, or about my unapologetic need to eat any and all dating candy, but on a more universal level what “happened to Ashley” “happens” to all of us. The air-quotes you just saw, that’s me trying to force you to get my point: that we decide what happens when something happens to us.

For those living under a rock (or with noses in something, I dunno, like a newspaper that reports actual news), here’s the quick story: bachelorette Ashley Hebert was warned by a friend before the show began to watch out for a guy named Bentley Williams, who was—wait for it—”on the show for the wrong reasons.” But Ashley decides that the red in that flag really isn’t her color, deciding to “keep an open mind.” Ashley then fell hard for the 28-year-old dad from Utah. He’d tell her how amazing she was, stroke her hair, touch the small of her back, then, privately, he’d mock vomit, wishing Ashley were Emily (a previous contestant from the same season as Ashley). During his private one-on-one interviews with the camera, he’d trash Ashley’s looks and sling as many insults as he could. Why did he want this attention and what did it serve, acting like an empty ball sack, treating a woman this way, as he models behavior for his own young daughter? Wrong question.

Right question: Why did Ashley fall hard for a guy she hardly knew?

A la Straight Up & Dirty… Women declare their love before knowing how he handles anger, stress, or her when she’s gone and chicked out in a fit of insecurity. She’s practicing her would-be new monogram before knowing how he handles alcohol, meddling family, or texts from his ex. It can’t be “OMG, he’s the one!” before she knows if he’s the one who’s up to his manscaping in debt and mommy issues. Quite simply, like so many of us, Ashley fell in love with an idea. A bad idea.

Insecure, I used to believe that the hotter the guy who liked me equated to the hotter I actually was. This hot hot guy wants me?! And that, right there, is why Ashley fell so fast. Because he seemed hard to get, and she got him. We ask for what we get.

As a viewer, it’s easy to know what Ashley doesn’t and to roll our eyes and judge, but in truth, we’ve all been her. Maybe we didn’t whine as much, but we’ve been the gas instead of the brakes. We’ve been the one to push, to allow, to convince ourselves of who he really is, what we really are as an “us” or could be. We haven’t done it on national TV, but we’ve been a broken record in the face of our closet friends. “I’m just so confused.” “Mixed messages.” “Ugh, I can’t take it! I need answers now!”

But we have our answers. And when we don’t, we make our own, even if they’re the wrong ones. When there are empty spaces, we can’t help but want to fill them. I used to live at this address. If he wasn’t exactly where I was at the exact same time, I’d cut him off. If he wasn’t pursuing me hard enough, I’d end hard, easy. Because it was far easier than waiting for him to decide how he felt about me.

The biggest problem, and truth, standing in my way was this: if a guy is into you, he’ll move heaven and earth to be with you. He’d “sleep out in the rain, if she said that’s the way it ought to be.” Anything short of that full court press made us a no-go.

But… if you’ve given the relationship time to develop, and he’s not stepping up his game in a really big way, if he’s not putting his foot on the gas and making YOU set the pace of the relationship by adding just enough brakes, then it’s time to find a new ride. Because you never want to be on the wrong bus when the right one shows up.

HUNGRY GIRL, the actual TV show, not just the spectacular person, debuts this Saturday 4pm EST/1 pm PT on The Cooking Channel. Set your DVRs and enjoy the premiere episode, “You Wanna Pizza Me?”

Oh, wait. You have no idea what number channel that is on your TV? No sweat. Their site has a directory.

I really am so thrilled for Lisa Lillien (aka Hungry Girl). Let’s support good brilliant woman, shall we?

Proof that time travel does exist: our lovable Hurley has given us a gift.  

Mega Millions Lottery Ticket Winner

Now I’m rewatching all the episodes of LOST in hopes of catching something equally as prophetic. Call it research.